Where am I?
So, I realize that many people wonder what the state of my heart is. I wonder the same. I will attempt to take a look, but I can guarantee it won't be pretty.
First off, I have been very discouraged lately. I am seeking my purpose and holding myself to these expectations that I believe the Lord wants. I don't want to shrink back in fear and go about being busy without building for the Lord and taking risks. At the same time, I am so fearful and anxious that I dont do anything. So I find myself getting beat up, beating myself up and overall just getting the crap kicked out of me.
*disclaimer:these are my personal thoughts and judgements*
If you will allow me the grace to speak my mind, I dont introspect as much as many of my other friends. I judge that often there is more introspection going on then true outreach and that it often distracts from the harvest when the focus is on the condition of the harvesters. I understand that many out there will come with great reasons why this is done, but please, save your breath and finger strength from typing. I just don't buy it right now. I do believe that some is good and very fruitful, but I still dont put too much weight on it.
I believe there is a much simpler answer to much of the troubles, though I am not sure and so mostly I keep quiet. I believe that if my focus changes from myself to the Lord and others, then I wont get so caught up in myself and view all my brokeness, but I will see His glory and the goodness He has put into people and all His creation. Of course, this takes discipline and work and dying to self and I am not good at that, either.
So mostly, I am distracted with my own pain, but at the same time I care about so many that I still try to come through for them. I have a desire to be friends with so many, but I am finding myself so very limited and stressed out, b/c that means I have to cut some out. this is very hard for me, b/c I odnt love on levels. I can very easily get along and enjoy many different people-its one of my gifts.
But I am stressing out. Not to mention that I have no idea where my life is going. I see no direction and no purpose, so i get very discouraged. I sink deeper and deeper into depression and call out for God to send me some encouragement or something, anything. But, when any one person tries to encourage me, it is not good enough and I dont believe they are sincere anyways. I mean, where were they when I was drowning. Why is it that a 30 second conversation is all we share if I am loved and appreciated so much? I am so disgusted with insincerity and/or trying to make me feel better. I dont necessarily want to feel better, I want the truth. I dont want to hear "peace, peace" when there is no peace. I want to no the truth. If you cant stand me, i would rather have you tell me, then butter me up with all these fluff words. I respect sincerity. Which brings me to a point-I need to repent for not always being sincere. I am sorry to those I may have said empty words to just to make them feel better. I try not to, but sometimes its easier to say "nice" things without telling the truth.
i am sorry for that.
The truth is hard sometimes and sometimes refreshing. I hope to speak both.
But I am getting off topic. mostly I dont believe that anyone really cares b/c I have so rarely heard from anyone who says these words to me. Now I know that many are busy and there are a thousand and one things to do, but I am hurt by these statements that may have been sincere at the moment, but dont have any meat behind them. They are essentially skeletons of good intentions. And it hurts to believe that there may be someone who truly cares, and then to have that hope dropped to the ground and ground inot dust by an already dirty sneaker. Now multiply times the biggest number you can think of. For me the number is always.
I am exasperated from being let down that hope is a rarety I indulge in. I often times throw this at God and ask Him why, with tears streaming down my face and short, violent gasps with snot running down my face. Why was there never anyone to walk with me? Why has not one person stopped what they are doing, looked my way and said, "i see something of great value in you and I want to help you develop it". Why do I have to ask constantly for help, then when help is agreed upon, it is never followed through. How many times will I be let down in my life by those I look up to? What is wrong with me that no one would want to help me. That no one whould seek to step into my life and pull me up and help me find my way, my talents, my gifts, my strengths and weaknesses and help learn about life? What is wrong with me that people will not dare come too close for fear of being infected by whatever it is in me? Why, God would you not provide someone I can look up to that would help me along? Why do I feel as if I have to take every step alone? Why does it look like there is no family for me to fall into whe I totally screw up like I have so many times before? Don't you see that I am petrified of screwing up again? Don't you see how solid my feet are planted to the floor that i dont walk into a pit again?
Will you, God give me some kind of grace, some kind of wisdom to understand why? Why? To what end is this going to bring me to? How can this possibly bring you glory?
So I am frustrated and discouraged and depressed. I am seemingly hopeless-in my eyes that is. I dont see a light on the horizon, all I see is darkness and storms brewing, I feel the icy winter wind stealing th eheat from my already frigid body and I am gasping for breath trying to climb an ice covered mountain with bowling shoes on.
I have such a burning desire to bring truth to the lost, but I cant seem to find it myself. There is a spark of something that brings me back to Him every time. There is smoke from the smoldering heap of ashes that is my life that seems to give me away every time, and I cry out for more fuel for the fire in fear that it will go out and I will be left without light and heat in a dark and cold world.
I have a strong desire to be a friend to many, yet I find that the concept is getting lost on a man who seemingly has no friends. No deep friendships exist in my life and so I dont know how to function in them. I know how to speak encouragement and life to others, but am not sure how to allow them to return the same. Many times I percieve that they are not willing to hold up their tired and weary brother and so I withdraw the burden of myself and find another place to wander to.
Those that seem to be willing, I do not percieve to be strong enough to understand or to hold me up, though they are full of good intentions and I appreciatte that, I believe that I would crush them with the weight of my soul. And so I percieve myself alone.
I believe that I am alone and worthless, unwanted and unloved. I believe that I am weak and a hypocrite, that no matter how much I say I believe, my actions say otherwise and that in this state I may never reach my destination. I believe myself not cut out for discipleship and that I have very little fear of God and even less love for Him. My life seems to be more of a promise for death and my existance seems to scream out for non-existance. I tragically believe that many would be better off without me.
Just to put every one at ease a little, i am not suicidal, I think I am too much of a coward for that as well. I think I would sooner sleep away my life than take it from myself. I dont seem to see what so many others say they see in me and so either they are liars, full of it or I am blind. But this is what I do see and it scares me.
I dont have any answers and I have no idea where to go from here. I percieve that to share this with those I know would be too much, and for those I dont know, it would be an unwatned burden met with disdain and disgust.
I think i have had enough for now.
First off, I have been very discouraged lately. I am seeking my purpose and holding myself to these expectations that I believe the Lord wants. I don't want to shrink back in fear and go about being busy without building for the Lord and taking risks. At the same time, I am so fearful and anxious that I dont do anything. So I find myself getting beat up, beating myself up and overall just getting the crap kicked out of me.
*disclaimer:these are my personal thoughts and judgements*
If you will allow me the grace to speak my mind, I dont introspect as much as many of my other friends. I judge that often there is more introspection going on then true outreach and that it often distracts from the harvest when the focus is on the condition of the harvesters. I understand that many out there will come with great reasons why this is done, but please, save your breath and finger strength from typing. I just don't buy it right now. I do believe that some is good and very fruitful, but I still dont put too much weight on it.
I believe there is a much simpler answer to much of the troubles, though I am not sure and so mostly I keep quiet. I believe that if my focus changes from myself to the Lord and others, then I wont get so caught up in myself and view all my brokeness, but I will see His glory and the goodness He has put into people and all His creation. Of course, this takes discipline and work and dying to self and I am not good at that, either.
So mostly, I am distracted with my own pain, but at the same time I care about so many that I still try to come through for them. I have a desire to be friends with so many, but I am finding myself so very limited and stressed out, b/c that means I have to cut some out. this is very hard for me, b/c I odnt love on levels. I can very easily get along and enjoy many different people-its one of my gifts.
But I am stressing out. Not to mention that I have no idea where my life is going. I see no direction and no purpose, so i get very discouraged. I sink deeper and deeper into depression and call out for God to send me some encouragement or something, anything. But, when any one person tries to encourage me, it is not good enough and I dont believe they are sincere anyways. I mean, where were they when I was drowning. Why is it that a 30 second conversation is all we share if I am loved and appreciated so much? I am so disgusted with insincerity and/or trying to make me feel better. I dont necessarily want to feel better, I want the truth. I dont want to hear "peace, peace" when there is no peace. I want to no the truth. If you cant stand me, i would rather have you tell me, then butter me up with all these fluff words. I respect sincerity. Which brings me to a point-I need to repent for not always being sincere. I am sorry to those I may have said empty words to just to make them feel better. I try not to, but sometimes its easier to say "nice" things without telling the truth.
i am sorry for that.
The truth is hard sometimes and sometimes refreshing. I hope to speak both.
But I am getting off topic. mostly I dont believe that anyone really cares b/c I have so rarely heard from anyone who says these words to me. Now I know that many are busy and there are a thousand and one things to do, but I am hurt by these statements that may have been sincere at the moment, but dont have any meat behind them. They are essentially skeletons of good intentions. And it hurts to believe that there may be someone who truly cares, and then to have that hope dropped to the ground and ground inot dust by an already dirty sneaker. Now multiply times the biggest number you can think of. For me the number is always.
I am exasperated from being let down that hope is a rarety I indulge in. I often times throw this at God and ask Him why, with tears streaming down my face and short, violent gasps with snot running down my face. Why was there never anyone to walk with me? Why has not one person stopped what they are doing, looked my way and said, "i see something of great value in you and I want to help you develop it". Why do I have to ask constantly for help, then when help is agreed upon, it is never followed through. How many times will I be let down in my life by those I look up to? What is wrong with me that no one would want to help me. That no one whould seek to step into my life and pull me up and help me find my way, my talents, my gifts, my strengths and weaknesses and help learn about life? What is wrong with me that people will not dare come too close for fear of being infected by whatever it is in me? Why, God would you not provide someone I can look up to that would help me along? Why do I feel as if I have to take every step alone? Why does it look like there is no family for me to fall into whe I totally screw up like I have so many times before? Don't you see that I am petrified of screwing up again? Don't you see how solid my feet are planted to the floor that i dont walk into a pit again?
Will you, God give me some kind of grace, some kind of wisdom to understand why? Why? To what end is this going to bring me to? How can this possibly bring you glory?
So I am frustrated and discouraged and depressed. I am seemingly hopeless-in my eyes that is. I dont see a light on the horizon, all I see is darkness and storms brewing, I feel the icy winter wind stealing th eheat from my already frigid body and I am gasping for breath trying to climb an ice covered mountain with bowling shoes on.
I have such a burning desire to bring truth to the lost, but I cant seem to find it myself. There is a spark of something that brings me back to Him every time. There is smoke from the smoldering heap of ashes that is my life that seems to give me away every time, and I cry out for more fuel for the fire in fear that it will go out and I will be left without light and heat in a dark and cold world.
I have a strong desire to be a friend to many, yet I find that the concept is getting lost on a man who seemingly has no friends. No deep friendships exist in my life and so I dont know how to function in them. I know how to speak encouragement and life to others, but am not sure how to allow them to return the same. Many times I percieve that they are not willing to hold up their tired and weary brother and so I withdraw the burden of myself and find another place to wander to.
Those that seem to be willing, I do not percieve to be strong enough to understand or to hold me up, though they are full of good intentions and I appreciatte that, I believe that I would crush them with the weight of my soul. And so I percieve myself alone.
I believe that I am alone and worthless, unwanted and unloved. I believe that I am weak and a hypocrite, that no matter how much I say I believe, my actions say otherwise and that in this state I may never reach my destination. I believe myself not cut out for discipleship and that I have very little fear of God and even less love for Him. My life seems to be more of a promise for death and my existance seems to scream out for non-existance. I tragically believe that many would be better off without me.
Just to put every one at ease a little, i am not suicidal, I think I am too much of a coward for that as well. I think I would sooner sleep away my life than take it from myself. I dont seem to see what so many others say they see in me and so either they are liars, full of it or I am blind. But this is what I do see and it scares me.
I dont have any answers and I have no idea where to go from here. I percieve that to share this with those I know would be too much, and for those I dont know, it would be an unwatned burden met with disdain and disgust.
I think i have had enough for now.