I wish I was...homeward bound...
I am super depressed today. So much so that I don't feel like leaving to go eat, don't want to call David, thought about slitting my wrists. Not that I would actually commit suicide, it just seems like it would be an easier option sometimes. I am tired of being away from my home, family, friends, etc and working for people I despise. I have about a month and a half or so and it can't go by quick enough. I don't even want to type on here. But I figure I need to I have no one to talk to here. My main problem is I am tired of living a lie. I spent so long in the closet, it sucks having to go back in. I sometimes think about telling folks, but it will get me kicked out, and it would take just as much time to get the paperwork filed and all that I would leave around the same time anyway. So I would loose the money that I am going to get for school. So, this is my delemma.
And to think this night started off so well...woke up and went off base with a couple of guys from work. We are having a good time, drinkin beers, throwing darts, having a really good time. Then this female loadmaster comes in that I met last night. She seems kewl and all and I flirt to show the guys the act :) She's cute though, really friendly etc. So its not so hard. Anyway, we're having a good time and all, and then it sounds like she tells her guy friend there that it's ok that I am gay. Which just stops me in my tracks, I don't know if she really said that, but I didn't want to ask, and I don't think that she thought that I heard her. The main thing is am I that obvious that a stranger picks up on me in a couple of hours? That just sucks, so I am kind of just upset there, but I play it off. keep playing darts, etc. Then they leave and we go to another bar. I get another beer and sit down, just take in the scenery, not really saying anything. Then shorty thereafter we go to another bar. I'm not a huge fan of this place as they only play ghetto music, not my thing. So I am just sitting there in the corner watching the str8s oggling over the hoochies. Just sliding deeper and deeper into my depression, thinking about shit. So I finally decide I've had enough. I tell one of the guys that I am going to head back and he tells me to wait, they will go with me when they finish their game. So I hang out while they finish. Then we head back, but they cross the street and go back to the 2nd bar we went to, and I walk back to the base alone. I am not afraid or anything, fairly safe, just pissed off that I waited for them and they go and just let me go back by myself, I could have left on my own a while ago. That was about it, just been chilling in my room since, I wish I had more days to myself, my roomate is off now, so he will be in the room tomm and sun nights. I need more alone time.
So one of the things I was thinking about is what I am going to do when I get back. I think that I have pretty much decided that I am going to move down to Montgomery pretty quickly after getting back. I am going to rent the house out, hopfully for more than the mortgage, one less thing to worry about. It sucks that I am going to have to leave the warehouse job, I really like it. So, I am going to go to Troy State and work part time at the Target store. Hopfully with the rest for the Huntsville houe and what David make, we can make it. SO, I still need to discuss this with him, but I have been on the fence with this situation, but I think I have finally decided this way.
And to think this night started off so well...woke up and went off base with a couple of guys from work. We are having a good time, drinkin beers, throwing darts, having a really good time. Then this female loadmaster comes in that I met last night. She seems kewl and all and I flirt to show the guys the act :) She's cute though, really friendly etc. So its not so hard. Anyway, we're having a good time and all, and then it sounds like she tells her guy friend there that it's ok that I am gay. Which just stops me in my tracks, I don't know if she really said that, but I didn't want to ask, and I don't think that she thought that I heard her. The main thing is am I that obvious that a stranger picks up on me in a couple of hours? That just sucks, so I am kind of just upset there, but I play it off. keep playing darts, etc. Then they leave and we go to another bar. I get another beer and sit down, just take in the scenery, not really saying anything. Then shorty thereafter we go to another bar. I'm not a huge fan of this place as they only play ghetto music, not my thing. So I am just sitting there in the corner watching the str8s oggling over the hoochies. Just sliding deeper and deeper into my depression, thinking about shit. So I finally decide I've had enough. I tell one of the guys that I am going to head back and he tells me to wait, they will go with me when they finish their game. So I hang out while they finish. Then we head back, but they cross the street and go back to the 2nd bar we went to, and I walk back to the base alone. I am not afraid or anything, fairly safe, just pissed off that I waited for them and they go and just let me go back by myself, I could have left on my own a while ago. That was about it, just been chilling in my room since, I wish I had more days to myself, my roomate is off now, so he will be in the room tomm and sun nights. I need more alone time.
So one of the things I was thinking about is what I am going to do when I get back. I think that I have pretty much decided that I am going to move down to Montgomery pretty quickly after getting back. I am going to rent the house out, hopfully for more than the mortgage, one less thing to worry about. It sucks that I am going to have to leave the warehouse job, I really like it. So, I am going to go to Troy State and work part time at the Target store. Hopfully with the rest for the Huntsville houe and what David make, we can make it. SO, I still need to discuss this with him, but I have been on the fence with this situation, but I think I have finally decided this way.