Percy Jackson and A Wall of Text
So, I went to see Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief tonight, without ever reading the book or the reviews or pretty much anything else about it before. I've never done this before. If a movie is adapted from books, I usually try to read the book before seeing the movie. I've heard of these series before, but I haven't actually tried to find out what it's all about. So I sat there in my seat, not knowing a single thing about the story, and tried to enjoy the ride.
LOL @ the jaunty pinky~
I wrote some running comments in my head during the watch that I was going to post on my Plurk. But alas, it's kinda long for Plurk. I'm posting them here, not because I expect people will read them, but because I just have to get them out of my head, LOL.
It's spoilery & incoherent. You're definitely better off reading something else...
The movie begins, YAYAYAY! \0/
Poseidon is epicly huge. Show off.
Oh hay, Boromir! No waaaaai, Boromir is Zeus? Congrats on your promotion, Son of Gondor! Blow your horn.
Oh hay, boy sitting at the bottom of the pool. You remind me of a Nirvana's album cover. Sans the dollar bill.
Ho shit. Boy is dry now. HIS HAIR, THO. IT'S AUDITION!ADAM ALSJFWOEIFJASID. THAT BLUE HOODIE TOO!
OH LOOK, AUDITION!ADAM IS SPEAKING.
Audition!Adam is walking. Audition!Adam is entering apartment. Who are these people? They're irrelevant. ADAAM.
...Dammit. The audition!Adam's hair is an epic distraction throughout the whole movie. Adam, get the eff off my head.
PIERCE BROSNAN IS OLD. He has fugly hair. He seems important.
PERSEUS. PERSEUS, PERCY, OF COURSE. So this series is about Perseus. I APPROVE.
See, this is why I DNW Chris Colombus to direct the film. Mediocre effects. Mediocre cinematography. Bah.
MINOTAURS, THO. IT'S RAINING COWS, LOLOLOL. Flashbacks of Twister.
Goodbye, Mom :'(
Hello, Hogwarts-in-the woods! This brings flashbacks of Xena & Hercules, complete with the whole comic sidekick thing.
And what is a heroic fantasy story without some badass combat chick? UNNNF, COMBAT CHICK! Whoaa, epic eyes. Standard lame flirtation ensues.
OH HAY, LUKE. YOU'RE KINDA HOT. You're also the descendant of Hermes, the guardian god for Geminis. I'm obsessed with your dad, so of course I love you.
COMBAT CHICK IS LOOKING HOT AGAIN.
ADAMADAMADAM. JFC, Percy, do something to your hair. I don't want to get distracted!!
IFRIT IS PARTY-CRASHING! Oh wait, it's not Ifrit. IT'S HADES. HE HAS HORNS. WHY, THO? I WILL CALL YOU IFRIT FROM NOW ON, I DON'T EVEN CARE.
Oh look, Harry, Hermione & Ron are going out for some adventuring! Oh wait...
So, Luke is Q. He's such a gadget slut. Also, winged Converse? DO FUCKING WANT. DO THEY TAKE ONLINE ORDERS? I'D LOVE A PAIR IN MONOCHROME BLACK, PLZ.
This roadtrip is very Supernatural-y.
Auntie Em. Stone statues. HELLO, IT'S MEDUSA'S LAIR. HOLY WHOA, UMA THURMAN, FABULOUS OUTFIT YOU GOT THERE, HONEY.
HEEEERE, SNAKEY, SNAKEY.
People are turned into stone. They fight. Medusa lost a head. Cues in some more comic relieve. All is well and they're off to the second quest.
GSM OF THE GODS. This should be made into a tag somewhere, Y/MFY?
OF COURSE IT'S THE PARTHENON IN NASHVILLE. VERY SUBTLE, THIS STORY.
Why are there so many janitors in the same room?
It's the Hydra, you moron. You donut cut Hydra's heads.
See? What did I say?
And of course, the next morning, people will come into the Parthenon and wonder how stone Athena managed to get a stone multiple-headed pet overnight. Then next thing you know, a cult will be born to worship the phenomenon and they'll be called the Church of the Wondrous Athena and the Ten-Headed Lotus Angels. Mass will be held bi-weekly after visiting hours.
IT'S VEGAS, BABY!
Trippy 'shroom FTW! OH HAY, POKER FACE! OH HAY, TIK TOK! WHY AM I DANCING RIGHT HERE IN MY SEAT?
Typical storyline. Typical plot. BLACK MASERATI, THO! <3
IFRIT/HADES LIVES IN HOLLYWOOD. WE SHOULD'VE SEEN THIS COMING, RIGHT? AFTER ATLANTIC CITY, NASHVILLE AND VEGAS?
IT'S FRICKING CHARON, YOU ASSWIPES. Don't you ever read books? Give him the Drachmas.
OMG SOMEONE CUT CERBERUS IN THREE!! NOW THEY'RE JUST 3 SEPARATE DOGS. RABID DOGS, GRANTED, BUT BASICALLY TINY MONGRELS NOW D:
HELLOOOOO, ROSARIO DAWSON!! It's been awhile since Rent the movie, isn't it? (which is also another Chris Colombus film). I LOVE YOUR GOTHIC COSPLAY! :DDD
IFRIT/HADES IS FRICKING MICK JAGGER!!! EL-OH-FUCKING-EL. THEY'RE THE OZZY & SHARON OF THE UNDERWORLD. LONG LIVE ROCK 'N ROLL, BITCHES!
WHOA. EPIC FIREPLACE IS EPIC.
Persephone kicks Hades' ass like nobody's business!! ILH <3
Yadda, yadda, yadda, typical superhero fighting scene, complete with mediocre Hollywood magic & cinematography. DNW.
FFFUUU, Luke, why must you do that, tho? >:/
I LOVE THE LEVIATHAN THINGY WITH THE WATER, THO. THAT'S PRETTY EPIC, FOR A COLOMBUS.
ACROPOLIS!!!
BLOW YOUR HORN, BOROMIR, SON OF GONDOR.
I NEED TO SEE MORE HERMES, DAMMIT.
Father-son Hallmark moments. Kinda like the Vader-Skywalker variety, but with less screaming and falling off a deep pit.
I FORGOT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT..
Back to Hogwarts-in-the-woods. More lame flirtation with combat chick. ADAM.
THE END.
Conclusion :
Not exactly an original story, but it's interesting enough to make me want to read the series. I AM obsessed with the Greek mythology after all. Mediocre motion picture execution, though, as expected from Chris Colombus. Why do people still let him make movies, I don't even know... I do love his Rent, though. But that's it. Still, if there's a second movie installment for this series, I'll definitely watch it even just so I can make another running comment session :P