It's Not Me (37/?) Scott/Logan

[scottxlogan]

Title: It's Not Me
Fandom: X-Men
Pairing: Scott/Logan
Rating: M

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Chapter 18 | Chapter 19 | Chapter 20 | Chapter 21 | Chapter 22 | Chapter 23 | Chapter 24 | Chapter 25 | Chapter 26 | Chapter 27 | Chapter 28 | Chapter 29 | Chapter 30 | Chapter 31 | Chapter 32 | Chapter 33 (Part 1) | Chapter 33 (Part 2) | Chapter 34 (Part 1) | Chapter 34 (Part 2) | Chapter 35 | Chapter 36

Logan looked around the kitchen knowing that he should be doing something more in the moment. Charles had left to go make arrangements for a meeting with Scott and his son while Scott had exited the house needing a few minutes alone to collect his thoughts out back. Although they were a long way from finding any kind of resolution to what was currently happening with Scott's tormented psyche, Logan couldn't help, but be concerned about Scott. Knowing what kind of weight this would undoubtedly have on Scott's shoulders in learning over a short span of time that not only had Jean known the truth about Scott and Logan's attraction to one another, but that Scott had also fathered a child with his ex after she had been tortured by Stryker's people, it was a lot to take in. Logan was still trying to come to terms with everything, so he couldn't even begin to imagine what Scott must be experiencing in the moment. In hearing of Jean's torment, Logan knew full it would only re-ignite that guilt that Scott carried around with him over hurting Jean. It would break him inside, making him feel as if he'd abandoned her and put her in harm's way. Knowing he should stay inside, Logan found his concern overtaking logic when he walked to the door wall, opening it up and going out onto the back porch to join Scott. Carefully closing the door behind him, Logan moved forward feeling the sun's warm rays beating down upon him. It was a beautiful day even with the chaos, yet as Logan noticed Scott over by the edge of the deck, hands clenched over the railing with head tipped up towards the sun with his eyes closed, Logan knew that there was a lot happening with the man he loved.

"You doing alright?" Logan questioned stepping forward and bringing his arms around Scott's lean waist in an attempt to pull Scott from his silent contemplations.

"I have a son Logan," Scott replied unmoving in the moment. "I'm a father."

"I know," Logan replied quietly, keeping his own conflicting thoughts muted in the moment with Scott standing beside him.

"I treated Jean horribly, yet she and I created a life together," Scott let out a long, uneasy breath. "I hurt her and she brought my child into this world. Against the odds she fought with everything she had against herself and the world around her and because of it I have a son…"

"He's going to need you," Logan offered up feeling Scott's hand squeeze in over his fingers and urging Logan to stay beside him.

"We're going to need you too," Scott kept his eyes closed and sighed, "I'm not going to be able to do this alone."

"Of course you can do this," Logan spoke up encouragingly, "You're Scott Summers, leader of the X-men. Surely meeting your son is hardly an impossible challenge."

"I was thinking about you that night," Scott blurted out shamefully. Lowering his head, he let out a breath he'd been holding back on, "When I was with her I'd been so wrapped up in what was happening with us, that I channeled all my energy into trying to forget that I was attracted to you when…"

"Don't say it Scott," Logan interrupted firmly, refusing to allow Scott to travel back down that road again, "It doesn't matter what was happening at the time. All that's important is making it right for that little boy and…"

"I know you didn't bargain for any of this," Scott whispered quietly, his voice uncertain and full of doubt when he finally opened his eyes to see the world before him, "When I twisted your arm into committing to me, I had no idea that I'd wind up being so out of control or that I has a son out there that…"

"I know you didn't," Logan nodded reaching out to coax Scott to face him fully. Once they were standing chest to chest, Logan reached out to urge Scott's blue eyes to meet his, "I know that there are a lot of questions about things right now, but you don't have to worry about this."

"Don't I?" Scott took in a nervous breath. "Logan, I know that I've been forcing you to make a lot of decisions lately that you wouldn't be even considering if I wasn't so pushy and…"

"To be honest with you I'm actually relieved," Logan confessed after a moment's contemplation. "Earlier when I read the page in Jean's journal about her being pregnant I was so afraid that I caused your son's death-that I took you from the life you'd always been hoping for. More than anything I know how you have this whole fantasy of happily ever after despite the odds that are stacked against us in our world. I know you're a romantic who always wanted a family and…"

"I want you Logan," Scott revealed with a warmth in his voice, "I want a future with you…and my son. I want to do for him what my father was never able to do for me. I don't want him to grow up feeling alone or abandoned-an orphan like I was. I want him to live in a world where he will never know the prejudices that we have had to face. I want him to be free to be himself, to not live with the fears we've been surrounded with. I need to give him the kind of life that I never had-an opportunity to do more with his life."

"If he followed in your footsteps I hardly think that would be a disappointment. You're a great man Scott," Logan continued to encourage him further. "Yes, maybe you've been lost for a while, but when we figure out what's been happening, I know you'll leap right back into leader mode, returning to that same pain in the ass that I want to strangle half the time."

"I'm not going to be the same. Everything's changed. I've changed. I'm a father now," Scott mouthed in response, his blue eyes overtaken in a vast array of contemplations. "That turns everything around now Logan. So much is riding on the future given the kind of life that we lead. Given the things that we do in knowing that the world is trying to lead a battle against our very existence in order to make us disappear…"

"Scott," Logan opened his mouth to say something more on the subject.

"Men like William Stryker have tried to exploit us, to tear us down to pieces and force our hands against one another time and time again," Scott let out a long breath, "We fight to save the world, yet there are forces out there that would just as soon see us disappear altogether. They would work to break us in an attempt to eradicate our race and in knowing those monsters are out there-that they've been trying to program my son like they did with you and I…"

"Don't do this now Scott," Logan couldn't help, but frown sensing Scott's fears for his son's future. "Don't think like that now when we both know you've been given a gift today. Not only do you have a son, but a happy, healthy one at that. Charles said that he was perfect in every way imaginable."

"I know," Scott couldn't help, but be relieved at the thought, "and I owe all of that to Jean. She's the one who brought him into the world even when she was at war with herself."

"She's always been a fighter. I'll give her that," Logan nodded in agreement, "and maybe deep inside of her there was a part of her that knew everything would be alright once you found him. Maybe that's truly why she's been trying to reach out to us."

"Even through the madness I know Jean would want our son to be safe and protected. Knowing that he was out there away from me, it had to make her uneasy," Scott took in a small breath when tension carried over his jaw line, "Even if she's been behind what's happening to me, how can I hold that against her? Given what she's endured, I can't even begin to imagine her being able to have a grasp on her sanity. The things I know that were done to me…Logan, they've been eating away at me, tearing me apart from within…"

"Scott," Logan began with a crease in his brow.

"I've been so full of rage and anger," Scott released Logan and dropped his arms down to his sides. He clenched his fingers into fists at his side and continued to speak up, "All of these thoughts and emotions have been eating away at my subconscious filling me with this vengeance and fury. I have dreams about watching it all erupt around me. I watch as the world explodes around me becoming something out of my control. I try to fight for my sanity within the realm of the dream, but I see things that are sparked by this overwhelming anger and…"

"And what?" Logan frowned.

"I've watched it burn down all around me," Scott explained meeting Logan's eyes with a sudden seriousness, "I've witnessed the world explode all around me, tearing to pieces in my nightmares. It wasn't always that way, but now I feel the fire around me-threatening to consume me completely. It surrounds me constantly even if my dreams didn't start out that way. At first they were about the torture, but now they are darker, further away from reality in the fire that…"

"That what?" Logan questioned when Scott's jaw clenched further.

"I can't explain it Logan," Scott fought for the breath that carried over his lips, "there's something happening inside of me. I've known it for a while, but now…"

"What?" Logan questioned reaching out to touch Scott's arm when Scott revealed a tiny, involuntary shudder.

"I feel her rage. I feel the wrath burning inside of me, eating away at my logic until only a thirst for retribution and destruction consumes me," Scott dug his fingers into his palms deeper, "I've tried to control it, but now…"

"Scott?" Logan asked worriedly.

"There's this dark force inside of me fighting to break free," Scott met his eyes with a sudden seriousness, "and after hearing what I have about what they did to her I can't help, but wonder if it's less of me and more of Jean…of the Phoenix and the madness that surrounds her hunger. It's not just a buried part of Jean's personality. Charles is wrong. There's something behind it-an unyielding thirst-a need for chaos and rebirth that's all consuming and…"

"You think Jean's guiding you towards her again?" Logan replied with a tentative voice, "That she's pulling you in because she's waiting for you to find her?"

"She's still all around me, inside of me, but today," Scott paused thinking about what he'd experienced in the elevators during his confrontation with Jean, "there's so much pain and anguish. It's fueled by contempt and desire, so much so that I wasn't even aware of what Jean was dealing with until that night in the barn. I had the first real taste of it then, but as it evolves I know it's growing inside of me. It's taking shape and preparing for…"

"For what?" Logan watched Scott step inside of himself.

"For revenge," Scott shuddered as the harsh exhale of a breath spilled over his lips, "I can see how this could shake her up even further. If she's been afraid that our son isn't safe…"

"Not knowing what's happened to him would set any mother on edge," Logan agreed with him quietly, "After the hell she's been through, I wouldn't doubt that her not knowing of his fate has only fueled that rage and anger inside of her. If we can show her that he's safe…"

"Is he safe with me Logan?" Scott questioned revealing the worries that were in the front of his mind upon learning his son was alive and out there in the world, "Am I truly stable enough to be what he needs?"

"Scott, how can you even question that?" Logan couldn't help, but frown when Scott's brow creased with worry.

"Because I'm a realist Logan. Plus, I damn near killed a man Logan," Scott reminded him simply, "I almost crossed a line into becoming the thing I fear the most. What if I hadn't been able to maintain any semblance of control? What if you weren't there to stop me? What if I had lost myself to the fury?"

"You didn't," Logan reminded him firmly, "You showed incredible restraint and control…"

"No," Scott clenched his fingers deeper into the palms of his hands, "I didn't Logan and that's what frightens me. If I could allow the pain I've experienced to consume me so much so that I was willing to compromise all that I've believed in, then what would make me believe that I'd be able to stop when I face that kind of adversity again?"

"You're strong Scott," Logan informed him with a newfound determination, "and stubborn. You know what you want in this world and you're not afraid to fight for it. You're not above sacrificing yourself for what's right."

"Yet here I've been hiding away from responsibility living in a world of hedonistic pleasures simply because it feels better than being back at the school doing what's expected of me," Scott offered up with a long sigh, "That wasn't the man I was Logan. Before this happened to me I wasn't about temptation and desire. I was about doing what was needed and…"

"You were selfless and driven by a cause, but just because you've realized you need something more in your life doesn't make you less of a man Scott," Logan added firmly, "Yes, maybe you were a model of control and repression before we found our way to one another, but you weren't happy. You were always living in a place where you were locked away from what you were feeling deep within the walls of the prison you'd put up around you to keep others out."

"There was a reason for that," Scott exhaled sharply. His lower lip quivered when he raised his chin up to look at the sky above them, "There were things inside of me that were meant to be forever locked away."

"Whether they were meant to be locked away or not they are a part of who you are and we're going to face them," Logan placed his oversized hands on Scott's shoulders, "together."

"Together," Scott repeated with a small breath of relief in his voice, "You make it sound so simple."

"That's because you and I together is right," Logan added smoothly, "Even with the complications we've endured along the way you and I have always been the one thing that's felt right. Together we're much stronger than we are in being at odds with one another. We're a team that thrives and endures and with your son, well, we're going to face that challenge as well in giving him everything he should've had from the start."

"He should've been able to be with his mother," Scott replied shamefully, "She should've been given that opportunity."

"Yes, she should have," Logan agreed with him, "and if she's out there calling to you…"

"…then maybe we can save her as well," Scott decided with a firmness in his voice, "Maybe we can pull her back from the darkness and defeat the influence of Phoenix once and for all."

"Perhaps," Logan replied hoping to keep his thoughts on the subject muted, "Maybe Jean has been guiding us towards the truth all along. Whatever part of her still exists…maybe she needs to find a way to move past the anger given that it's clear she just wants you to be a father to your child. Maybe that's why we found the journal in the first place…"

"Because she wanted us to know," Scott mouthed quietly, pondering Logan's words.

Logan nodded, "Stranger things have happened. It's entirely possible that she was leaving us clues, hoping to guide us towards the truth…"

"But we read it all wrong. I thought everything was about us, about how we hurt her, but now everything is different," Scott finished thinking about his last encounter with 'Jean' back at the office. Their dark confrontation left little truth to the past in revealing Scott's son to him. It had been violent, menacing and terrifying in it's own right. Still in knowing the truth, Scott couldn't help, but wonder if perhaps all of his mind's manifestations of Jean were simply guilt over his actions and not truly the woman he'd once loved reaching out to terrorize him.

Perhaps Scott had been wrong to think Jean was solely responsible for all he'd done. Yes, Charles had spoken of Phoenix and her wrath, but maybe everything was pointing to another opportunity for all of them. Maybe in finding their son Scott could save Jean after all. He'd been terrified of her, but perhaps there was still a chance for her. He'd experienced positive visions of her before his changes back when he was in captivity. She'd been asking for his forgiveness, begging him to understand and now with the news of their child fresh on the front burner, he was beginning to see things clearly. His son was out there waiting for him, needing him like Jean had wanted, but now his mind was filled with so many questions.

"You okay?" Logan asked pulling Scott from his thoughts.

"I was just thinking about Jean and all the things that lead up to where we are today," Scott divulged taking in a breath.

"It's a lot to take in," Logan added squeezing his arm around Scott once again, "I know we've been surrounded by questions, but…"

"The answers we have now are a start in the right direction," Scott met Logan's gaze once again, "We can do for him what I wasn't able to do for her."

"Of course we can," Logan nodded in agreement, "If anyone can make this right, I know it's you."

"I've made a fine mess of everything over the last few years, so I'm not so sure of that," Scott admitted quietly, "but maybe it's time for me to get myself together again. It's time to stop fighting in essence who I've always been."

"I think deep down you've known who you were from the start Scott," Logan gave him a long once over, "That's never been the problem."

"Yeah I suppose," Scott nodded in agreement, "I just had trouble facing it, but now, well I was just thinking about parenting-about what's ahead…"

"I know I'm not exactly father material, but truth be told," Logan reached out to touch the side of Scott's face tenderly, "I'd rather take a stab at giving it a go, then walking away from what we have. I know that it's probably not the time to be saying this, but selfishly I meant what I said Scott. Once I had you I never intend on letting you go regardless of the circumstances."

"Logan, you don't have to say that considering that…" Scott opened his mouth to give Logan the opportunity to find another out for them.

"Yes I do," Logan nodded firmly before squeezing his arms around Scott tighter than before, "because there's no way in hell that I'm stepping aside if she's still out there Scott. Sure, maybe it might be the proper thing to do given that everyone's all about you and Jean, but damn it you're mine. She can't have you anymore. Even if her memory still remains, it doesn't change things Scott. You having a son with her doesn't change anything where I'm concerned. Sure, maybe it means we'll have to show a little more discretion about sex, but hey what's the difference between that and the school, right?"

"You can't adhere to limitations at school Logan," Scott couldn't help, but offer up a hint of a relieved smirk, "How am I supposed to expect you to behave now?"

"Because we've got a new life in our hands, one that's going to need us to provide him with everything he could ever want or need," Logan stroked the side of Scott's face with a thoughtful expression building over his features, "The last thing I would want to do is let him or you down Scott."

"You're taking this a whole hell of a lot better than I'd thought you would," Scott eyed Logan suspiciously unable to quell the relieved breath that carried over him in having Logan's support. "I kind of figured after everything that happened inside that this would be one of those deal breakers for you. I know we never talked about a family or children for us in the future, so…"

"Scott, you're willing to take me into your life knowing that a huge chunk of my history is still missing from me. For all we both know I might have a child of my own out there-maybe even grandchildren considering how long I've been around in this world. There's so much that you could and should be afraid of, but you took a chance on me," Logan confessed sliding his fingers into Scott's hair tenderly.

"About that. Logan, there's something that I need to tell you…something that I think you should know about our past that…" Scott cleared his throat nervously, his body tensing up with the truth on the tip of his tongue.

"Scott, you don't have to say it. I know that aren't afraid of what might be in my past, so how in the hell could you expect me to be put off by the thought of you having a son?" Logan raised his brow curiously. "I mean you've taken a leap of faith on me, so why wouldn't I take one with you?"

"Logan, it's just…." Scott hesitated struggling with his conflicting thoughts as Logan held onto him.

"Just what?" Logan questioned searching his eyes, "Scott, what's wrong?"

"It's just…I don't know if I can keep doing this," Scott revealed with a crease in his brow, "There are so many things I know now that I haven't told you-things that I remember that…"

"…you fear might prevent you from being a good father?" Logan asked seemingly sensing Scott's apprehension, "Scott, I know you're afraid of what's been happening to you, but I swear we will find a way to fix this. I don't know how, but we'll be able to get through this together. We'll find a way and while we do, we'll do everything in our power to help your son as well. If that's what has you so concerned, then…"

"No, that's not…I mean…well, honestly I'm still not sure how I'm going to be in the role of someone's father," Scott finally exhaled with worry creasing over his brow in an attempt to ignore his inner turmoil, "I've been making huge mistakes lately. Plus, through the years I haven't exactly lived the kind of life that most children need for a role model…"

"Are you kidding me? You're practically a saint and at the school, the students love you. Even if they pretend not to, they all respect and look up to you Scott. Your son is going to as well," Logan couldn't help, but offer up a small wink. "Besides, if you can win me over, then the rest of the world is nothing."

"So you've kept telling me," Scott couldn't help, but crack a reluctant smile. His features raised with relief for a moment before another thought passed over him, "but what happens when he asks me about Jean one day? If we find out she's really gone, what do I tell him then?"

"That you loved his mother very much," Logan reached out to touch the hollow of Scott's perfectly sculpted cheekbone, "and that he's the result of the very best you and Jean had with one another in your time together."

"I like that," Scott's smile carried with it the first beginnings of relief in imagining his first meeting with his son.

"I kind of thought you might," Logan noted with a small tip of his head and a curl of his upper lip, "You're getting very easy to read Summers."

"You think I'm weak, don't you?" Scott frowned and searched Logan's eyes for a long moment in trying to read his lover.

"Weak? No, but you do have a few moments of predictability every now and then," Logan mouthed sliding his fingers into Scott's hair in an attempt to draw out a more intimate connection between them. "We may have to work on that."

"Hmm, well predictable tends to equate to boring in some circles," Scott curled his lip in a frown despite Logan's best efforts to lighten the situation between them.

"Boring is something you could never be," Logan assured him, dipping down to steal a quick kiss. He felt Scott's arms slide around his shoulders, squeezing at his muscular body in an attempt to keep the connection alive between them.

Wrapping his thick, powerful arms around Scott's slender waist, Logan allowed the moment to linger, to expand and absorb the weight of Scott's emotions when Logan held him. As Scott's lips parted inviting Logan inside, Logan thought of all the misery he'd experienced in his life. While he couldn't remember it all, he knew deep down that losing Scott would be the end of him. Yes, perhaps they'd made mistakes, but with Scott in his arms, nothing felt better then the two of them together working as a team on every level. Kissing Scott and tasting Scott's tongue over his, slow and steady in it's erotic press, Logan knew full well that he was finally in a place where he'd always longed to be. He had everything he wanted.

"With everything to lose," a voice inside of him warned, reminding him that happiness never lasted in his life. Still with the idea of a future and maybe even a family with Scott on the horizon Logan was ready to take things one day at a time. No longer a monster or the animal that Stryker had tried to force him to be. He could be happy, embrace love and maybe even get used to the idea of settling down in one place at long last.

"Logan, we need to talk," Scott finally withdrew from the kiss, his brow creased with worry, "I've been holding back on something for a while, but I can't do it any longer. I've been afraid-behaving like a coward in withholding this from you, but I know now that this can't wait. I know we're about to leave to meet my son, but I think you should know that…"

"What's wrong?" Logan questioned feeling a chill carry over the moment between them when Scott leaned back into the railing on the patio.

"Logan, there's something that I think we should talk about," Scott cleared his throat, an uneasiness carrying over his features, "It's something that I've wanted to discuss with you for a while, but as I've said before I've been too afraid to given that we have been so wrapped up in other things. However, with you mentioning your past before, well, there's something I need to tell you about us…"

"Us?" Logan repeated giving him a curious look, "Scott, look I know we took a long time to get here, but…"

"We had so many opportunities Logan and in being here now," Scott took in a long, slow breath, "in being here with you in this moment, it's more than enough, but there's something that you don't know. There's something that I've selfishly held onto-something that only recently came to me, but given that you and I aren't keeping secrets from one another any longer…"

"Scott, now you're starting to worry me," Logan couldn't help, but frown back at him.

"I'm not trying to. It's nothing to be worried about considering that it's, well, it's a good thing. At least it was for me and even if you can't remember, well, maybe in time you'll see that it's good for us considering that…" Scott bit down on his lower lip nervously.

"What it is?" Logan prompted further, "What's going on Scott?"

"When I was eighteen Charles sent me with a group on a mission. To make a long story short, it didn't go too well. It actually went horrible for me, but then when I was at my lowest point, well…" Scott opened his mouth to explain further.

"Charles mentioned a mission when he arrived," Logan tensed up thinking of his earlier confrontation with Charles. "He'd said that it changed you-that it guided you on a new path…"

"It did," Scott nodded quickly, "only I was confused at the time. I didn't understand everything clearly, but now…"

"What?" Logan asked again, "Scott, why are you stalling?"

"I'll show you," Scott touched Logan's face, skimming his fingertips over the stubble on his cheek. Taking in a breath, Scott met Logan's eyes again, "It's easier that way."

"Scott, what are you…" Logan's eyes widened feeling a warmth accompanying the involuntary press of Scott into his mind.

"I opened a connection between us Logan," Scott explained with a sudden seriousness in his voice, "I know that I should've asked first, but given what's been happening with Jean, I knew that it was time. I need you to see the truth. I need you to understand that as much as I thought I loved her that deep down I was never hers. That I've always been with…"

"Everything is ready," Charles interrupted Logan and Scott, drawing them out of the moment with his arrival. Scott pulled back with a gasp, severing the connection between him and Logan. His breath was uneven, his thoughts ready to be shared with Logan, but when he returned his focus to his son again, he couldn't help, but realize now wasn't the time to venture into the past.

"Logan, I'm…" Scott began to apologize when his face grew hot.

"We can do this later," Logan promised with a whisper when Scott reached down keeping his fingers in Logan's oversized hand when he turned to face Charles fully.

"Are you ready to meet your son?" Charles questioned looking between both men with a new curiosity.

Scott tipped his head up, turning to meet Logan's eyes again before nodding, "Yeah, we're both ready. Let's go."

xxxxx