Ramblings
So im at work hungry yet i cant leave to go get anything to eat because we have a fairly new guy working and i have to be able to be here to man the phones in case he calls for something. Even though today is wicked wicked wicked dead and stupid me didnt think to bring my book or anything to ready while i am sitting here bored listening to the water filter for the turtles.
I went to therapy the other day...new lady and she knows what she is talking about. She has been working with a well known lady name alrene lev or sumthing like that for almost 6 years but i couldnt go to alrene becasue our schedules didnt work out. But this Jennifer seems really nice and seems liek she knows how to help me. She told me she is going to give me a letter to keep in my truck in case i ever need to show reason as to why i dont match what my license at the current moment states. I went to a surgeon after therapy and i got a good feeling about htis lady. I emailed her ahead of time asking if just becasue i am trans will i be denied service if so i didnt want to even bother going in...but she emailed me back saying all was fine. And she is a super nice lady and told me my chest is small like a guy with a condition gynomastia which i already knew from previous surgeons (who truend me away) so lipo (maybe later on if my skin doesnt take shape like it should skin tightnening surgery will be needed) will be the least scarring way to remove my chest...which is sweet because no scars it awesome espically since i am wicked pasty white the scars would be really noticeable. She just weants for me to give her a letter from my therapist stating i know what i am doing and all that jazz before we set a permant date...and she has took pictures gave me a good quote and im stoked about it all.
Im really really really confused....I know i wrote in one of my other posts that the girl i was seeing broke up with me for personal reasons on her part. Yet she still cares about me and wants and hopes to figure things out before its too late to figure us out. Thing is im not going anywhere...i have sumthing huge to prove to her. Her last ex treated her like royal shit and i treat this girl like royalty. i would borrow money from my mom to put gas in my truck to drive the 45 minutes to see her even if it was only for like an hour. With in the first few days of meeting her i had alreayd told her about being trans and she accepted it...she still treated me like it was no biggy. unlike my last girlfreind who told me she was ashamed of me and didnt want to bring me around her friends becuase of it my current girl is just liek umm you do know the speed limit is 55 on this road right. Being trans isnt an issue at all. All the issues we have in our relationship are issues she has with herself.That almost 100% dont involve me at all. What bothers me is i treat her nothing like her old girlfriend did...ive never demanded anything, told her shes worthless, a liar, stupid, never put a hand on her in an abusive way, never yelled at her, i bend over backwards for her and yet she still puts me in the same catergory as her ex. I know she doubts everything i say and do because of how many times people shes cared about in her life have turned their backs on her for one reason or another and most of hte reasons are stupid ones. Heres the thing...we went to my friend carries (but we all call her bernie mac for some odd reason unkown to us now) aunts house to go swimming because she is hous sitting the house is gianormous for only 2 people living in it. So it was me, my girl, my friend boobie and her girl and her girls sister and of course bernie. Well my girl went to go to the bathroom and i look at my freinds sister and i was like dude if i didnt tell you that we arent "dating" right now would you say we look broken up? and she was like fuck no you guys are dating. Like thats waht confuses me hardcore...cause normally when a girl breaks up with me i can be freidns with them acutally im freinds with almost all of the girls i ever dated and close ones at that. So to me it would be no shocker to stay freinds wit hthis one...but its not like that with us....we still have the more than friends feelings for eachother...i dont hold my friends hands when we are in cars i dont kiss my freinds necks. Now see im pushing it with kissing her becuase ive told her im not going to force her to choose me or no me...but at one point i think i am going to ask her to go back out with me...because we act just like we did when we had the title. im just confused on what to do because i dont wahnt to lose her. But when i would kiss her neck while in the backseat of boobies car while the her g/fs sister slept with her head on my shoulder...my girl would lean into the kiss no pull away...not tell me no...not imply that this wasnt waht she wanted or that i was stepping over some line. When i was driving my girl home she would hold my hand while she slept and didnt let go of it until i was parked in front of her house. To prove to her that im not going anywhere and that i do love her and mean what i say im getting a small dove behind my left ear with her initals in them. I know everyone is going to tell me im dumb and im stupid and i shouldnt get peoples initals anywhere on me because they are permant well too late i have 12 of them on my side inside a tree and one is of the ex that told me she was ahamed of me. I did it as a lesson...that these are people who mean the most to me...that i wanst going to do to myself what i ddi with my ex ever again. The dove is of hope and peace...the girl i am seeing is one of hte strongest people i have ever met with all the bullshit she has gone through...and she is always on my mind always. At least with it behind my ear on my left side the side where my heart is because she has that too ill never be ablet to forget what ive gone through with her. Our relationship is intense and still continues to be. We are both battling outselves to overcome things. This girl bringsme hope that i can figure sht out, that i can make things work not only with her but in all other aspects of my life. She brought me peace when i was going through so much trumoil over being alone becuase of trans she stepped up to the plate and downplayed my trans to make me feel normal. She actaully cares about me for me. With the tattoo i am goingto be proving to myslef that i am not goingto be another one of thsoe people hse talks about having people walk away and abondon her...im going to prove to her that i willwait as long as i have to to get her back, that i mean it when i tell her i love her, that im not going anywhere trough no matter what kind of times we are having. Hopefully ill get that done on friday when bernie comes out with me. Im also sure my mom is going to kill me hahaha but maybe ill downplay it by getting H tattooed on the back of my neck and shell notice that one before anything else...H is my family nickname and has been for years....then again my mom thinks i am fucking up my body with doing other stuff so a tattoo shouldnt make much difference.
My family does back the trans issue more than they did before when i first came out. I think my mom understands what i am going through just a tiny bit...she sees me struggle with binders, she sees the marks i have on myself from binding...she has listend to me cry like a bitch when something all of a sudden happens and sends me back to square one. As a mom she wants to protect me because she might have had a daughter and im going to be her son first and formost i am her child. And no matter how much i might say i dont care my moms opionon on me and my life really does matter to me. A mama's boy tattoo will be on my ankle once i save enough money for it. But of course as a parent my parents feel that surgery isnt the way to go in order for me to be happy...that i will jsut end up being more miserable after its all said and done...which i dont think will happen in fact i know it wont happen. I had to ask my dr yesterday if she would be willing to referr me to an endo when the time comes for T and when i told my mom abotu it she was like the dr didnt think you were weird or anything did she iwas like umm if she did she kept it pretty well hidden from me. I told the nurse who ive known for years about it and she was a little shocked and took a parent approachto it and kept asking me if i was sure or how i knew....i told her you know when you wake up every monring regrettiung every being born, that all the pain you are causing your familly was over you unhappyness and their unwillingness to accepct this change...that you conemplate everyday different ways to end the none stop pain but could and would never do it for reasons known to me. I could have killed myself years ago...hell i could do it now...but i cant...i look at my mom and know i would kill her if i did it, i look at my best freind who will kill anyone if they hurt me, i look at my girl who already had that happen once to her when she was younger, I cant leabve the peple who i care about. But i am afraid that at some point im going to get a call from one of my girls freinds telling me she did it. And that scares the shit out of me...hardcore...but do NOT think that that is the only reason i want to stay in a relationship with her. There is a hella alot of things about this girl that i care and love and im fighting to save our relationship. Beucase i know i cant save her. I can barely save msyelf. And ive told her that...that i will be there for her but i cant save her.
wow i made that long enough with a bunch of ramblings about things that no one other than me cares about.
Caiden
I went to therapy the other day...new lady and she knows what she is talking about. She has been working with a well known lady name alrene lev or sumthing like that for almost 6 years but i couldnt go to alrene becasue our schedules didnt work out. But this Jennifer seems really nice and seems liek she knows how to help me. She told me she is going to give me a letter to keep in my truck in case i ever need to show reason as to why i dont match what my license at the current moment states. I went to a surgeon after therapy and i got a good feeling about htis lady. I emailed her ahead of time asking if just becasue i am trans will i be denied service if so i didnt want to even bother going in...but she emailed me back saying all was fine. And she is a super nice lady and told me my chest is small like a guy with a condition gynomastia which i already knew from previous surgeons (who truend me away) so lipo (maybe later on if my skin doesnt take shape like it should skin tightnening surgery will be needed) will be the least scarring way to remove my chest...which is sweet because no scars it awesome espically since i am wicked pasty white the scars would be really noticeable. She just weants for me to give her a letter from my therapist stating i know what i am doing and all that jazz before we set a permant date...and she has took pictures gave me a good quote and im stoked about it all.
Im really really really confused....I know i wrote in one of my other posts that the girl i was seeing broke up with me for personal reasons on her part. Yet she still cares about me and wants and hopes to figure things out before its too late to figure us out. Thing is im not going anywhere...i have sumthing huge to prove to her. Her last ex treated her like royal shit and i treat this girl like royalty. i would borrow money from my mom to put gas in my truck to drive the 45 minutes to see her even if it was only for like an hour. With in the first few days of meeting her i had alreayd told her about being trans and she accepted it...she still treated me like it was no biggy. unlike my last girlfreind who told me she was ashamed of me and didnt want to bring me around her friends becuase of it my current girl is just liek umm you do know the speed limit is 55 on this road right. Being trans isnt an issue at all. All the issues we have in our relationship are issues she has with herself.That almost 100% dont involve me at all. What bothers me is i treat her nothing like her old girlfriend did...ive never demanded anything, told her shes worthless, a liar, stupid, never put a hand on her in an abusive way, never yelled at her, i bend over backwards for her and yet she still puts me in the same catergory as her ex. I know she doubts everything i say and do because of how many times people shes cared about in her life have turned their backs on her for one reason or another and most of hte reasons are stupid ones. Heres the thing...we went to my friend carries (but we all call her bernie mac for some odd reason unkown to us now) aunts house to go swimming because she is hous sitting the house is gianormous for only 2 people living in it. So it was me, my girl, my friend boobie and her girl and her girls sister and of course bernie. Well my girl went to go to the bathroom and i look at my freinds sister and i was like dude if i didnt tell you that we arent "dating" right now would you say we look broken up? and she was like fuck no you guys are dating. Like thats waht confuses me hardcore...cause normally when a girl breaks up with me i can be freidns with them acutally im freinds with almost all of the girls i ever dated and close ones at that. So to me it would be no shocker to stay freinds wit hthis one...but its not like that with us....we still have the more than friends feelings for eachother...i dont hold my friends hands when we are in cars i dont kiss my freinds necks. Now see im pushing it with kissing her becuase ive told her im not going to force her to choose me or no me...but at one point i think i am going to ask her to go back out with me...because we act just like we did when we had the title. im just confused on what to do because i dont wahnt to lose her. But when i would kiss her neck while in the backseat of boobies car while the her g/fs sister slept with her head on my shoulder...my girl would lean into the kiss no pull away...not tell me no...not imply that this wasnt waht she wanted or that i was stepping over some line. When i was driving my girl home she would hold my hand while she slept and didnt let go of it until i was parked in front of her house. To prove to her that im not going anywhere and that i do love her and mean what i say im getting a small dove behind my left ear with her initals in them. I know everyone is going to tell me im dumb and im stupid and i shouldnt get peoples initals anywhere on me because they are permant well too late i have 12 of them on my side inside a tree and one is of the ex that told me she was ahamed of me. I did it as a lesson...that these are people who mean the most to me...that i wanst going to do to myself what i ddi with my ex ever again. The dove is of hope and peace...the girl i am seeing is one of hte strongest people i have ever met with all the bullshit she has gone through...and she is always on my mind always. At least with it behind my ear on my left side the side where my heart is because she has that too ill never be ablet to forget what ive gone through with her. Our relationship is intense and still continues to be. We are both battling outselves to overcome things. This girl bringsme hope that i can figure sht out, that i can make things work not only with her but in all other aspects of my life. She brought me peace when i was going through so much trumoil over being alone becuase of trans she stepped up to the plate and downplayed my trans to make me feel normal. She actaully cares about me for me. With the tattoo i am goingto be proving to myslef that i am not goingto be another one of thsoe people hse talks about having people walk away and abondon her...im going to prove to her that i willwait as long as i have to to get her back, that i mean it when i tell her i love her, that im not going anywhere trough no matter what kind of times we are having. Hopefully ill get that done on friday when bernie comes out with me. Im also sure my mom is going to kill me hahaha but maybe ill downplay it by getting H tattooed on the back of my neck and shell notice that one before anything else...H is my family nickname and has been for years....then again my mom thinks i am fucking up my body with doing other stuff so a tattoo shouldnt make much difference.
My family does back the trans issue more than they did before when i first came out. I think my mom understands what i am going through just a tiny bit...she sees me struggle with binders, she sees the marks i have on myself from binding...she has listend to me cry like a bitch when something all of a sudden happens and sends me back to square one. As a mom she wants to protect me because she might have had a daughter and im going to be her son first and formost i am her child. And no matter how much i might say i dont care my moms opionon on me and my life really does matter to me. A mama's boy tattoo will be on my ankle once i save enough money for it. But of course as a parent my parents feel that surgery isnt the way to go in order for me to be happy...that i will jsut end up being more miserable after its all said and done...which i dont think will happen in fact i know it wont happen. I had to ask my dr yesterday if she would be willing to referr me to an endo when the time comes for T and when i told my mom abotu it she was like the dr didnt think you were weird or anything did she iwas like umm if she did she kept it pretty well hidden from me. I told the nurse who ive known for years about it and she was a little shocked and took a parent approachto it and kept asking me if i was sure or how i knew....i told her you know when you wake up every monring regrettiung every being born, that all the pain you are causing your familly was over you unhappyness and their unwillingness to accepct this change...that you conemplate everyday different ways to end the none stop pain but could and would never do it for reasons known to me. I could have killed myself years ago...hell i could do it now...but i cant...i look at my mom and know i would kill her if i did it, i look at my best freind who will kill anyone if they hurt me, i look at my girl who already had that happen once to her when she was younger, I cant leabve the peple who i care about. But i am afraid that at some point im going to get a call from one of my girls freinds telling me she did it. And that scares the shit out of me...hardcore...but do NOT think that that is the only reason i want to stay in a relationship with her. There is a hella alot of things about this girl that i care and love and im fighting to save our relationship. Beucase i know i cant save her. I can barely save msyelf. And ive told her that...that i will be there for her but i cant save her.
wow i made that long enough with a bunch of ramblings about things that no one other than me cares about.
Caiden