Back from the cruise
So i am back from the cruise and i go back to work tomorrow and i'm not thrilled about going back after being away from it for so long. But alast i again am in need of money to replace and/or fix things that i own. Like i need to replace my shitty digital camera that has sucked ass from day one. And i need to get my truck speakers fixed because they are shitty from me being deaf and playing the music too load. I want to get my final 3 tattoos done so that i can finally say i have them bringing my total up to 6.
The cruise was a good relaxing experience...never been on a cruise before so the rocking of hte boat made me sea sick almost 90% of the time. Thank god they sold stuff on the ship for motion sickness or else i'd have been screwed. I had to share a room with my 2 sisters which was sumthing i think took all of us a few days to get used to. I think this trip was teh most my family have acutally spent together in years. Needless to say we fought often and bickered to the point im sure my parents wanted to punch us all out. But this trip gave my family a small insight into what i have to go through. I wasnt sure how my parents would feel about me using the mens room. In all honesty i didnt know how i would feel about it either...the only times i used it before was at the bakery i used to work at and the people knew me there...the bakery girls used the mens room because the girls room was often broken for one reason or another. So it was no big deal if i used it. But on the ship i used to guys room...and there were acutally guys in there...i was relived to see i could pass and my parents suggested i use it because it was becoming too difficutl for me to hold it for long periods of time until we went back to our room to use it...or id have to leave what we are doing go up to the room on the 12th floor to use it. But in Puerto Rico i used the mens room with my father right behind me and it felt good that my family would be okay with it. I told my friend once i got back from the trip that if i wanst sure i was trans and i wanted to transition than using the mens room with men in there would have been a huge wake up call instead it gave me a huge rush of passing and felt good about it. There is no turning back for me at this point. I either go through with the transition or i be completely miserable the rest of my life. I made my mom cry on the cruise because my sister put a clip in my hair and my mom saw it and flipped out telling me if im going to be her son im not going to be a sissy. She doesnt want for me to draw peoples unwanted attnetion to me so they done probe into my life farther than they need to be...she wants to protect me but knows its going to be hard. I told her this isnt going to get any easier any time soon...that this will get worse for me before it starts to get better. I like to think that this trip has helped my family see me different...plus it opened my eyes to desires i didnt know i had. I hated being seen as a 15 year old because i mihgt look like a 19 year old dyke but i look like a 15 yaer old boy becaue i lack facial hair and deep voice. I want to look and sound my age..i would have loved to go swimming on the beaches at the ports we went too or chill out and tan but nope it was too much work to change into sumthing i could pass in while swimming...i was always aware of my body and what people might be seeing or thinking. It bothered me that i didnt look like the other boys.
So now im home...got to see all my freinds made plans with my best friend to hit the gym early monday morning to kick off my need to buff up plan haha ive always wanted to be toned but things always come up blocking out my time to go to the gym...if she goes with me she wont let me slack off because shes a hard ass like that. So i look forward to that. Got to see my ex girl who broke up with me 3 days before i left for the cruise. I dont know why but we act like we did when we had the title of dating...jsut no making out. I understand her reasons for eevrything she is doing...and to my benfiet she as much as she doesnt want to admit it she trusts me. Shes been fucked over alot in life and im going to prove to her that im not that kind of person. I love the girl i honestly do and im hoping that i can make her see that its okay to admit she loves me too. Shes afraid of acutally caring about sumone cause she feels im going to just walk out after she opens up which i have no intentions of doing. Its like she is pushing me away to see how far she can push without me walking...trsut me itll take alot i took 3 yaers of abuse from my last ex before i finally had the balls to leave her. Its not like taht with this girl...i care alot about her...shes the mom to my baby puppy freckles which i get in 2 weeks (so exctied to be a dad!) Im hoping things will start to look up for me and her soon and we can get back to how we used to be but until then im not going anywhere and i think she knows that. But im not going to do what i did in my last relationship..ill give her time to figure out what she needs to figure out while i wait for her becuae i do want to be with her again...but im not going to get strung along and lead on if she doesnt feel like we will be togetehr again. I have a thaerpy appointment at 8 am tomorrow with a new therapist who speicalizes in the gender field...im nervous because ive had a bad experience with a thearpist once before a month ago when it came to my gender stuff...so im not sure now what i should do. Then friday i have a surgery consultation which my best friend is driving me too where im sure they will tell me no they wont do it then i get to go to my regualr dr and ask if shed be willing to when the time comes to it to monitor hormone replacement...which scares me becauase ive never had to tell her about my body and gender issues so im not sure how she will act. But i need to get some sleep cuase i have an early morning tomorrow
-Caiden
The cruise was a good relaxing experience...never been on a cruise before so the rocking of hte boat made me sea sick almost 90% of the time. Thank god they sold stuff on the ship for motion sickness or else i'd have been screwed. I had to share a room with my 2 sisters which was sumthing i think took all of us a few days to get used to. I think this trip was teh most my family have acutally spent together in years. Needless to say we fought often and bickered to the point im sure my parents wanted to punch us all out. But this trip gave my family a small insight into what i have to go through. I wasnt sure how my parents would feel about me using the mens room. In all honesty i didnt know how i would feel about it either...the only times i used it before was at the bakery i used to work at and the people knew me there...the bakery girls used the mens room because the girls room was often broken for one reason or another. So it was no big deal if i used it. But on the ship i used to guys room...and there were acutally guys in there...i was relived to see i could pass and my parents suggested i use it because it was becoming too difficutl for me to hold it for long periods of time until we went back to our room to use it...or id have to leave what we are doing go up to the room on the 12th floor to use it. But in Puerto Rico i used the mens room with my father right behind me and it felt good that my family would be okay with it. I told my friend once i got back from the trip that if i wanst sure i was trans and i wanted to transition than using the mens room with men in there would have been a huge wake up call instead it gave me a huge rush of passing and felt good about it. There is no turning back for me at this point. I either go through with the transition or i be completely miserable the rest of my life. I made my mom cry on the cruise because my sister put a clip in my hair and my mom saw it and flipped out telling me if im going to be her son im not going to be a sissy. She doesnt want for me to draw peoples unwanted attnetion to me so they done probe into my life farther than they need to be...she wants to protect me but knows its going to be hard. I told her this isnt going to get any easier any time soon...that this will get worse for me before it starts to get better. I like to think that this trip has helped my family see me different...plus it opened my eyes to desires i didnt know i had. I hated being seen as a 15 year old because i mihgt look like a 19 year old dyke but i look like a 15 yaer old boy becaue i lack facial hair and deep voice. I want to look and sound my age..i would have loved to go swimming on the beaches at the ports we went too or chill out and tan but nope it was too much work to change into sumthing i could pass in while swimming...i was always aware of my body and what people might be seeing or thinking. It bothered me that i didnt look like the other boys.
So now im home...got to see all my freinds made plans with my best friend to hit the gym early monday morning to kick off my need to buff up plan haha ive always wanted to be toned but things always come up blocking out my time to go to the gym...if she goes with me she wont let me slack off because shes a hard ass like that. So i look forward to that. Got to see my ex girl who broke up with me 3 days before i left for the cruise. I dont know why but we act like we did when we had the title of dating...jsut no making out. I understand her reasons for eevrything she is doing...and to my benfiet she as much as she doesnt want to admit it she trusts me. Shes been fucked over alot in life and im going to prove to her that im not that kind of person. I love the girl i honestly do and im hoping that i can make her see that its okay to admit she loves me too. Shes afraid of acutally caring about sumone cause she feels im going to just walk out after she opens up which i have no intentions of doing. Its like she is pushing me away to see how far she can push without me walking...trsut me itll take alot i took 3 yaers of abuse from my last ex before i finally had the balls to leave her. Its not like taht with this girl...i care alot about her...shes the mom to my baby puppy freckles which i get in 2 weeks (so exctied to be a dad!) Im hoping things will start to look up for me and her soon and we can get back to how we used to be but until then im not going anywhere and i think she knows that. But im not going to do what i did in my last relationship..ill give her time to figure out what she needs to figure out while i wait for her becuae i do want to be with her again...but im not going to get strung along and lead on if she doesnt feel like we will be togetehr again. I have a thaerpy appointment at 8 am tomorrow with a new therapist who speicalizes in the gender field...im nervous because ive had a bad experience with a thearpist once before a month ago when it came to my gender stuff...so im not sure now what i should do. Then friday i have a surgery consultation which my best friend is driving me too where im sure they will tell me no they wont do it then i get to go to my regualr dr and ask if shed be willing to when the time comes to it to monitor hormone replacement...which scares me becauase ive never had to tell her about my body and gender issues so im not sure how she will act. But i need to get some sleep cuase i have an early morning tomorrow
-Caiden