Sounds of Silence
Most everyone knows that I have a hearing disability. Well "disability" depends on how you look at it. I can't lie that there are certain circumstances where it is an advantage. I think every disability has that even if it is not immediately obvious. But aside from those it's a loss. A loss of experiences that I will probably never have. Experiences that I cannot even completely fathom. Things like whispers and secrets, or something as simple as hearing your name called from across a room. But I can't change it, I live around it. Some things I can almost imagine, or at least I think I can. Just out of reach, the feelings the experiences must generate. In dreams I can sometimes hear. I think it's a subconscious estimation of what it must be like. People have tried to describe it to me, which helps but doesn't satisfy. Just the same that I cannot completely convey what my experience is like. Assumptions are made on both sides that are not completely accurate. Sometimes I wonder if what I hear is anything like what others do. Does someone's voice sound to me the same as it does to everyone else? Do I hear a song the same way? It becomes more unnerving when I perform myself, do I sound like I think I sound? Is it worse, or better? I can only try to reproduce it as I hear it. I think I can be overly critical sometimes because of that paranoia.
There are plenty of funny stories I can relate though. I've learned to use to my advantage at least for humor. I used to know sign language, I've mostly lost the knowledge to disuse. However sometimes I see it and it clicks. I was in a store once and a man was trying to get my attention by wiping his fingers on his chin. I could not for the life of me figure out what he wanted. Then it clicked, he was asking me if I signed. The man was deaf, completely. Without thinking I signed back to him that I did not sign! I felt silly but then explained to him verbally that I could not remember enough to hold a conversation. I knew he would understand because he could read my lips, just as I can read lips. In hindsight it was a funny experience.
Recently, as in today, I was asked to describe an experience to someone else who could not know it. I was immediately struck by how difficult it is. Like describing color to the blind. I tried my best. Fortunately a small amount of skill with words is helpful. I knew immediately that it's better to convey the emotion, the feeling of it, as that is what matters. And so often I find words inadequate. Normally you think that given enough words you can describe anything, but finding the right ones can be a challenge. Harder still is describing something that you don't think much about. An experience that you take for granted. I think that is where the heart of the problem is. Why nobody can completely satisfy my yearning to know what true hearing is like. So I feel that in at least some way I failed to do the same in this case.
I've spent a lot of words on here describing feelings of various sorts. I'm quite proud that I can read my own words and recall those feelings quite clearly. I hope that translates to others at least a little.
Back to the original topic of hearing, and the experience of sound. I enjoy silence more than anything I think. It relaxes me like nothing else. Most of the time, unless I'm alone and then I get restless after a time. I am a firm believer in the fact that feelings can be communicated in silence sometimes more effectively than with words. Simple actions or a touch. It's a true universal language that transcends any deficit in hearing, vision, or body. Silence opens up the floor to such things. There is also a kind of silence in chaos. In a room where everything is just noise. I think it's one of the advantages I have. I can tune out everything because it's usually all just noise unless I am concentrating to make sense of it. It gives me a bubble of silence to myself and a peace. It's a state of zen I usually use when I'm working on something particularly interesting or hard. The only thing I enjoy more is relaxing with someone special like that. Sharing that bubble with someone. It's a romantic notion I guess. But it's something I can offer in that department that most can't. I guess that is bragging a little, but I've got to have some kind of advantage.
There are plenty of funny stories I can relate though. I've learned to use to my advantage at least for humor. I used to know sign language, I've mostly lost the knowledge to disuse. However sometimes I see it and it clicks. I was in a store once and a man was trying to get my attention by wiping his fingers on his chin. I could not for the life of me figure out what he wanted. Then it clicked, he was asking me if I signed. The man was deaf, completely. Without thinking I signed back to him that I did not sign! I felt silly but then explained to him verbally that I could not remember enough to hold a conversation. I knew he would understand because he could read my lips, just as I can read lips. In hindsight it was a funny experience.
Recently, as in today, I was asked to describe an experience to someone else who could not know it. I was immediately struck by how difficult it is. Like describing color to the blind. I tried my best. Fortunately a small amount of skill with words is helpful. I knew immediately that it's better to convey the emotion, the feeling of it, as that is what matters. And so often I find words inadequate. Normally you think that given enough words you can describe anything, but finding the right ones can be a challenge. Harder still is describing something that you don't think much about. An experience that you take for granted. I think that is where the heart of the problem is. Why nobody can completely satisfy my yearning to know what true hearing is like. So I feel that in at least some way I failed to do the same in this case.
I've spent a lot of words on here describing feelings of various sorts. I'm quite proud that I can read my own words and recall those feelings quite clearly. I hope that translates to others at least a little.
Back to the original topic of hearing, and the experience of sound. I enjoy silence more than anything I think. It relaxes me like nothing else. Most of the time, unless I'm alone and then I get restless after a time. I am a firm believer in the fact that feelings can be communicated in silence sometimes more effectively than with words. Simple actions or a touch. It's a true universal language that transcends any deficit in hearing, vision, or body. Silence opens up the floor to such things. There is also a kind of silence in chaos. In a room where everything is just noise. I think it's one of the advantages I have. I can tune out everything because it's usually all just noise unless I am concentrating to make sense of it. It gives me a bubble of silence to myself and a peace. It's a state of zen I usually use when I'm working on something particularly interesting or hard. The only thing I enjoy more is relaxing with someone special like that. Sharing that bubble with someone. It's a romantic notion I guess. But it's something I can offer in that department that most can't. I guess that is bragging a little, but I've got to have some kind of advantage.