Ranges of Changes
Alot has happened since the last time I wrote here. Partially because I lost access to this account, and partially because I haven't really been motivated to express myself in any meaningful way. Of course one could argue how meaningful such personal writing possibly is, but I know for a fact that THIS is being read by someone who matters. Either they matter because regardless of whether or not they or I intend it, this will have some kind of impact on them. Or they matter because I decided that they should. I'm willing to bet the latter is more likely to be true if not both. And now that I've gotten the tricky language out of the way....
I moved. I relocated. Or rather I physically escaped. A situation and a self imposed confinement that I myself did not realize was in place until after the fact. There is no debate that needs to happen about whether or not it was good or bad. There also need not be any discussion about it at all. In hindsight I think I was waiting for something to happen, until I slowly realized that I had to initiate that progression. Fortunately after almost a year, it has.
I've always had the most interesting experiences, or luck if you may. I've mentioned before how every relationship I've ever had has started in some odd circumstance. I've experienced love at first sight even, which apparently is not the same as meeting a soul mate. I've met a soul mate, which apparently is not the same as meeting THE soul mate. I've even met my worst enemy aside from myself, the one who brings out the worst in me. Each of these experiences has taught me many things, about myself and about love in general. At 32 years old I'm inclined to realize that all of it means nothing in fact. I'm reminded of an expression, a joke really, that goes along the lines of "she may not be miss right, but she is definitely miss right now". I might believe at this point that every single encounter I've had has been with "miss right now" and that the trick in all of it is meeting that one who will always be "miss right now", but maybe I already have. The meaning being that everyone evolves as we experience life, and the trick is to find that person who will evolve with you and continue to fit with you. This is very hard obviously, because everyone reacts to things differently. This does not mean you need to find someone who reacts the same way in every situation. That would be boring, and really wouldn't that make them a carbon copy of yourself? I would find that uninteresting and exceptionally boring. But knowing that, you have to realize how much more difficult it makes all of this. How much more improbable it is that with all of the people in the world you will find that person. That last statement implies something I've always believe, that there is at least one match for each person. But this brings me to another point I've visited before. The idea of the perfect moment. The "stars aligning" so to speak. It's amazing how often these moments happened yet at the same time how few and few between they are. It's like lightning strikes, they happen all the time but rarely if ever in the same place twice. That perfect moment when you're both in exactly the right place, at exactly the right time, and exactly the right thing happens. You say the exact right words, and she gives the exact right reply, and you move exactly the right way, and the nothing interferes, and etc, and etc.. And fates collide. A relationship is born. Two personalities are forever and irrevocably altered by each other. And lives are shared, sometimes for a little while, and ever increasingly rare, forever.
Sometimes it is hard to let go. You meet someone who fits you. You fit them. It's incomprehensible, but it doesn't work. Personally I usually just fuck it up somehow. I guess I just need to find someone who doesn't mind that.
But then here comes the next "miss right now". And maybe, just maybe, she will keep continuing to be "miss right now" and things will be better. That is really all anyone can hope for I think. But sometimes you can tell the difference. I've a knack for that I think. I can usually tell when I'm scared of fucking up. If I'm scared, then she's going to be one that is hard to let go. She is going to be one that I wrap my life around to such an extent that if she goes it will be pulling the chair out for underneath. And I'll fall on my ass again. Those are the ones that stir me to write. Those are the ones that keep me up at night smiling like an idiot. Those are the ones that distract me from everything else.
Yes so if you haven't guessed, I met one of those. A long time ago now. And all of the heartache and mistakes lead there. But all of the experiences, good and bad, prepared me for right now. This long wait. This anticipation and readiness. This long night. Will hopefully culminated in another chance at happiness that I am determined not to squander.
I moved. I relocated. Or rather I physically escaped. A situation and a self imposed confinement that I myself did not realize was in place until after the fact. There is no debate that needs to happen about whether or not it was good or bad. There also need not be any discussion about it at all. In hindsight I think I was waiting for something to happen, until I slowly realized that I had to initiate that progression. Fortunately after almost a year, it has.
I've always had the most interesting experiences, or luck if you may. I've mentioned before how every relationship I've ever had has started in some odd circumstance. I've experienced love at first sight even, which apparently is not the same as meeting a soul mate. I've met a soul mate, which apparently is not the same as meeting THE soul mate. I've even met my worst enemy aside from myself, the one who brings out the worst in me. Each of these experiences has taught me many things, about myself and about love in general. At 32 years old I'm inclined to realize that all of it means nothing in fact. I'm reminded of an expression, a joke really, that goes along the lines of "she may not be miss right, but she is definitely miss right now". I might believe at this point that every single encounter I've had has been with "miss right now" and that the trick in all of it is meeting that one who will always be "miss right now", but maybe I already have. The meaning being that everyone evolves as we experience life, and the trick is to find that person who will evolve with you and continue to fit with you. This is very hard obviously, because everyone reacts to things differently. This does not mean you need to find someone who reacts the same way in every situation. That would be boring, and really wouldn't that make them a carbon copy of yourself? I would find that uninteresting and exceptionally boring. But knowing that, you have to realize how much more difficult it makes all of this. How much more improbable it is that with all of the people in the world you will find that person. That last statement implies something I've always believe, that there is at least one match for each person. But this brings me to another point I've visited before. The idea of the perfect moment. The "stars aligning" so to speak. It's amazing how often these moments happened yet at the same time how few and few between they are. It's like lightning strikes, they happen all the time but rarely if ever in the same place twice. That perfect moment when you're both in exactly the right place, at exactly the right time, and exactly the right thing happens. You say the exact right words, and she gives the exact right reply, and you move exactly the right way, and the nothing interferes, and etc, and etc.. And fates collide. A relationship is born. Two personalities are forever and irrevocably altered by each other. And lives are shared, sometimes for a little while, and ever increasingly rare, forever.
Sometimes it is hard to let go. You meet someone who fits you. You fit them. It's incomprehensible, but it doesn't work. Personally I usually just fuck it up somehow. I guess I just need to find someone who doesn't mind that.
But then here comes the next "miss right now". And maybe, just maybe, she will keep continuing to be "miss right now" and things will be better. That is really all anyone can hope for I think. But sometimes you can tell the difference. I've a knack for that I think. I can usually tell when I'm scared of fucking up. If I'm scared, then she's going to be one that is hard to let go. She is going to be one that I wrap my life around to such an extent that if she goes it will be pulling the chair out for underneath. And I'll fall on my ass again. Those are the ones that stir me to write. Those are the ones that keep me up at night smiling like an idiot. Those are the ones that distract me from everything else.
Yes so if you haven't guessed, I met one of those. A long time ago now. And all of the heartache and mistakes lead there. But all of the experiences, good and bad, prepared me for right now. This long wait. This anticipation and readiness. This long night. Will hopefully culminated in another chance at happiness that I am determined not to squander.