I shouldn't even be here
I don't do this often anymore. I haven't for years. This all seems to remain inside my own head anymore. Mostly because I don't feel the need to share anymore. The sharing used to be cathartic, but it hasn't been in a long time. I also fear that I will always end up reiterating the same thoughts over and over, but maybe that is evidence of what is important to me. Maybe I should take the time to examine those thoughts and be honest with myself. But I think I've probably already done that. So now I am stuck here running over the same ground again.
I get up to start a new job in less than an hour. My first in a decade. And what a decade it's been. So much has changed and yet, nothing has. I've spent the time burying myself in work. Working to accomplish great things that served to distract me from what I really want, need even. And as I lay here in the early morning hours, I was awoken by a dream of that need. I lay here reflecting on my regrets and what I might do to address them. As if I would jeopardize the fragile balance I've managed to maintain these many years. I entertain these delusions and try to anticipate the outcomes. But the fact of the matter is...I'm a coward.
And as many of these posts go, my thoughts center around one particular need. It's been 14 years or more since I fell into this emotional cradle that I refuse to abandon. Some may call it obsession or maybe unhealthy in some way. I'm not sure that I can disagree. But the fact remains. The emotions remain.
And in my quiet times those thoughts return. I try to avoid allowing that to happen most of the time, but it is impossible to prevent entirely. My mind, body, and if you believe in such things, even my soul seem to default to it.
And even though we are both different people now, the attachment remains. Though I am glad for it, it is probably unfair to us both. Unfair to me because of the obvious damage it does to my physique, but unfair to her because I'm not being honest. And perhaps I should be. That is exactly the thing I wish to address but cannot at the same time.
I'd be stupid to think it would change in any way favorable to myself. Selfish even. But then again the whole idea of telling her is selfish. Or maybe it isn't? This has been my debate for a long while now. One that I'm sure many people are familiar with. Do you tell the one you're in love with how you feel? Or do you continue the charade and maintain the status quo. Is it worth the risk of changing everything, just for the sake of disrupting the situation in the hopes of something better? Or is it just selfish to put someone you care about though that. And also on the other hand, is it selfish to disrupt their life with something that really isn't their problem to begin with?
BUT....what if they're thinking the same thoughts? What if you're both missing out on something great because you're both afraid of the consequences. I'm under no delusions that this is possible in my case. But maybe one day it will be? I'd be lying if I said I believed that. And yet, I still feel the need to tell her how I feel. Just blow this whole balance away. Make clear what should already be obvious. Perhaps given the option, things might be considered. Doubtful. Invalid.
More likely I'll just be fucking up a good thing like I always do.
I get up to start a new job in less than an hour. My first in a decade. And what a decade it's been. So much has changed and yet, nothing has. I've spent the time burying myself in work. Working to accomplish great things that served to distract me from what I really want, need even. And as I lay here in the early morning hours, I was awoken by a dream of that need. I lay here reflecting on my regrets and what I might do to address them. As if I would jeopardize the fragile balance I've managed to maintain these many years. I entertain these delusions and try to anticipate the outcomes. But the fact of the matter is...I'm a coward.
And as many of these posts go, my thoughts center around one particular need. It's been 14 years or more since I fell into this emotional cradle that I refuse to abandon. Some may call it obsession or maybe unhealthy in some way. I'm not sure that I can disagree. But the fact remains. The emotions remain.
And in my quiet times those thoughts return. I try to avoid allowing that to happen most of the time, but it is impossible to prevent entirely. My mind, body, and if you believe in such things, even my soul seem to default to it.
And even though we are both different people now, the attachment remains. Though I am glad for it, it is probably unfair to us both. Unfair to me because of the obvious damage it does to my physique, but unfair to her because I'm not being honest. And perhaps I should be. That is exactly the thing I wish to address but cannot at the same time.
I'd be stupid to think it would change in any way favorable to myself. Selfish even. But then again the whole idea of telling her is selfish. Or maybe it isn't? This has been my debate for a long while now. One that I'm sure many people are familiar with. Do you tell the one you're in love with how you feel? Or do you continue the charade and maintain the status quo. Is it worth the risk of changing everything, just for the sake of disrupting the situation in the hopes of something better? Or is it just selfish to put someone you care about though that. And also on the other hand, is it selfish to disrupt their life with something that really isn't their problem to begin with?
BUT....what if they're thinking the same thoughts? What if you're both missing out on something great because you're both afraid of the consequences. I'm under no delusions that this is possible in my case. But maybe one day it will be? I'd be lying if I said I believed that. And yet, I still feel the need to tell her how I feel. Just blow this whole balance away. Make clear what should already be obvious. Perhaps given the option, things might be considered. Doubtful. Invalid.
More likely I'll just be fucking up a good thing like I always do.