(no subject)
I'll try my hardest ever in this entire world to stay as long as you let me. I made that mistake once and I learned enough to realize that I should have never left at all.. - Mason
2. Thats the number of times that I really, really fucked up. Once was in August 2003 when I made him doubt my feelings for him and just watched as he walked out of my life. The other was February 19th, 2004 when I said we could only be friends while knowing I was still in love with him.
You see, I once had it. You know, that thing that everyone searches for? Completeness, Happiness, Love, Joy, the whole package. I found it in one person. And I fucked it up both times.
Mason Bradley was the best thing that ever happened to me. In all the confusion that life has put me through, he was the only thing that ever made sense to me. I adored this boy more than anything. Words can not even begin to explain how much I loved him. And he will never know how much he means to me. Losing him hurt like a bitch. I just threw something away that made my life so complete and made me feel so happy. And after I lost him I knew that no one was ever going to come close to what he was.
Nick reminded me of Mason, maybe that's why I let him in my life so long. The truth is, he is nothing that Mason was other than a male. Nick is gone not just because I am pushing him away, but because I do not need someone like him in my life anymore. I do not need someone to use me and lie to me and hide everything about us from everyone, especially his girlfriend. I do not need to love someone who does not give a rats ass if I were to die. So I dont. Perhaps my heart is going numb hence the reason it's easy to let him go, or perhaps there are other reasons.
I realized last night that, through Junior, Cha, Rolando, Matt and even Nick, I still love Mason. We havent spoken in so long, and I may never talk with him again. I thought to myself "Just because you miss him doesnt mean he misses you. Just because you want to speak to him, does not mean he wants to talk with you. Just because you still love him does not mean he still loves you. Chances are he found someone better, someone who wont let him get away. He's probably in love with someone else" . The weird thing - I wouldnt be all that sad if he was happy with someone else, because he would be happy. Seeing him happy was the best thing ever.
If I ever did get him back, I would hold on to him so hard. Despite knowing it would end and knowing how bad it would hurt, I would ignore that now because I dont have that much time and I'd enjoy feeling alive again for awhile. And if I could have anyone to spend it with, it would be Mason. I think I'm really asking for a favor, a miracle, and a second chance. I really dont ask for much, and good things have not been happening to me lately. So, maybe...just maybe this will happen.