(no subject)
I was looking through a photo album of an old journal. and i found this.
it's weird. he's been gone so long, but, i cant forget him. i'm no longer in love with him, but will always love him. and even if I had the choice, i wouldnt erase him for the world. he was the only thing I did right. Even though I fucked it up.
anyway. Matt got jealous today. I didnt answer the door when he came Sunday, and he left me a message saying that I hate him and I'm too busy with my boyfriend Nick. That was funny because my away message was "at dinner with NIK" two different people. he asked me if I was dating Nick, i laughed. Then said no. Then he talked about my birthday. And stuff. I dont know, things with him have already died and can not be reborn. so that's fucked.
i have a doctors appt tomorrow at 3. I wasnt going to go until Nik threatened me at dinner. spending time with him is so amazingly nice. i forgot what having him in my life was like, and i dont want to forget again. but i still wish I could feel something for him, or anyone else for that matter. i'm in love with someone, but i dont know what good that is doing me. then again, it isnt like i can just stop it. you know?