so this was my first few degrees of loosing faith way back when
alright so theres this book i read once... i know i read a book... its called story of b... and in this book a priest is going through loosing his faith or rather finding another way... its not really the point but in the book he said something that always stayed with me... theres one degree of faith and 50 degrees of loosing it... well the person who was my first few degrees of loosing faith came into the bar last night... well frankly alot lately... shes dating someone there... anyways when i see her it makes me sad... infinetly sad... you know how people say they feel God or hear him or whatever... well its been a long time for me... but i remember it... i also remember the exact moment when i stopped hearing... its a source of great shame for me, also pain and regret... when i was in highschool i didn't know anyone and frankly i remember little of the people from then to this day but it was ninth grade and i was in my second semester of highschool and my mom had just started bible study and while i was all about it i have a hard time talking to people.. i mean in years since i have sorta found my voice... anyways there was a moment when i knew with everything in me i should go and ask this person to bible study... i knew it would make an impact... it may not have changed anything but it could have been seeds... seeds of hope or faith or something... she looked sad to me... i was so scared of highschool... i mean i can't express this enough. it wasn't till my senior year when i no longer gave a fuck that it finally stopped bothering me to go to school... only then did i not worry about it every day or feel embarrassed... yes i know this was all in my head... i couldn't help it though it was ingrained in my soul that i am a freak... i used to be ashamed of that and now i carry it as an anthem... anyways i didn't ask her... that was my first degree of loosing faith... the next few where because i stopped feeling God or hearing or whatever... i know it sounds corney but damn everytime i see her i want to confess it and ask forgiveness... i want to cry cause i still see all her pain... i don;t know... it makes me sad... i'll call tonight another degree... cause it just reminded me how fucked up i truly am....