Perfect Black
The little Fuse-In Festival in Detroit fucking rocked. It was quite a bit of fun. It really made coming back to Bay City suck. A lot. We went to City Club both Friday and Saturday night. Kris was scared out of his mind. It was great. Elisa eyes lit up really cool when Switchblade Symphony started playing. I don't know. The Detroit trip was a blast. I did some acid. Played some guitar. Met a few new people. Rocked out. At the festival, Saturday night, I had the best roll of my life. It made me never want to do ecstacy again though. Because I know nothing is ever going to be that good. So, that's one more to knock of the list.
Speaking of that... For some reason, it is really hard right now to not do drugs. Last night, I was fiending for heroin. So, I scraped up a fiend fix and cooked it up. I looked at it in the needle and thought, "Wow! That's not a bad fix at all!" Then, I tied off my arm and put the nail over my vein. Right before I started to push it through, Lana popped into my head, and then for a split second I saw all the good things that could be at once. Right then, I dropped the needle and started crying. After I could push back the tears I woke up J² from Bryan's bed and said, "Hey, do you want some heroin?" He said, "Hell yeah I do!" but then he laid back down and passed out. So, I have a needle sitting in my kit filled with heroin. Ugh... I'm just making this all harder on myself.
I miss Lana. Hmmm.... You all knew that already? Of course. What I meant this time is I have lots of different feeling about her being in Europe. The first, of course is jealousy: "Hey! I want to be in Europe!" Then, satisfaction: "I'm glad she's getting a nice vacation for a while." Yearning: "I wish I could call her and see how she is." You know. Blah blah blah. If anyone can do a good impression of Lana's voice, call me and say "hi". I kinda knew it would be harder to stay sober when Lana went on vacation. Some people say she's the best person to ask for help, because she's the only person who has a chance of me listening to what they say. I don't know. It's hard. I can't just call her up anymore like, "Hi. I want to shoot up really bad right now. Talk me out of it." Or the infamous, "Someone just came over with a lot of cocaine. Keep talking to me so I don't go anywhere." I don't know. I don't even know what to say anymore. So, whatever, I'll just end it.
Oh, something reminded me. Today, I'm trying to start working on my self-esteem. For a start. I don't know if that's going to go over well.
Speaking of that... For some reason, it is really hard right now to not do drugs. Last night, I was fiending for heroin. So, I scraped up a fiend fix and cooked it up. I looked at it in the needle and thought, "Wow! That's not a bad fix at all!" Then, I tied off my arm and put the nail over my vein. Right before I started to push it through, Lana popped into my head, and then for a split second I saw all the good things that could be at once. Right then, I dropped the needle and started crying. After I could push back the tears I woke up J² from Bryan's bed and said, "Hey, do you want some heroin?" He said, "Hell yeah I do!" but then he laid back down and passed out. So, I have a needle sitting in my kit filled with heroin. Ugh... I'm just making this all harder on myself.
I miss Lana. Hmmm.... You all knew that already? Of course. What I meant this time is I have lots of different feeling about her being in Europe. The first, of course is jealousy: "Hey! I want to be in Europe!" Then, satisfaction: "I'm glad she's getting a nice vacation for a while." Yearning: "I wish I could call her and see how she is." You know. Blah blah blah. If anyone can do a good impression of Lana's voice, call me and say "hi". I kinda knew it would be harder to stay sober when Lana went on vacation. Some people say she's the best person to ask for help, because she's the only person who has a chance of me listening to what they say. I don't know. It's hard. I can't just call her up anymore like, "Hi. I want to shoot up really bad right now. Talk me out of it." Or the infamous, "Someone just came over with a lot of cocaine. Keep talking to me so I don't go anywhere." I don't know. I don't even know what to say anymore. So, whatever, I'll just end it.
Oh, something reminded me. Today, I'm trying to start working on my self-esteem. For a start. I don't know if that's going to go over well.