EbayCon
“I’m sure if I tried really hard I could say it in Swahili.” -Laurie
“Have you ever seen the size of my purse? Jimmy Hoffa’s in there.” -Laurie
“It’s in Jimmy Hoffa’s pants.” -Nick
“We’ve decided that since your car didn’t have any problems before your dad started saying it’s a piece of shit, it’s developed a self-esteem problem.” -Sarah
“Ebay. Human hair.” -Sarah
Laurie: “You take turns. You switch. Like a Mazda commercial.”
Sarah: “Right. Zoom zoom.”
“I think I would rather, like, eat my own sick or something.” -Laurie
(re: Natalie’s car drawing)
Laurie: “Did you say ambidextrous?”
Sarah: “Maybe it’s just bi.”
Laurie: “Well she did say it goes both ways.”
“Your garments will be singed and you will be naked, but there will be no terrorists.” -Laurie
“We need like cross-gender Barbie.” -Sarah
“And Mike looks awfully masculine for a girl named Joe.” -Sarah
“Well, Mike’s not a girl, he’s a guy. And he’s named Joe.” -Natalie
“Puppy puppy puppy puppy dead.” -Sarah
“Don’t we all want to pee on Sarah?” -Heather
“He just loves to be ridden.” -Heather
“Ride me.” -Heather
“Egg plus sperm equals chicken rabbit giraffe.” -Heather
“Would you like paper or plastic with your testicles?” -Heather
“It’s called wild puppy sex!” -Theresa
“I’m a whore, I’ll give it up for anybody.” -Heather
“You’re a good fish.” -Heather
“I’ll need a lot more alcohol.” -Theresa
“< licks keyboard >” -Heather
“It’s not that you’re making typos, it’s that your keyboard is drunk.” -Laurie
“#farscape 6 Eel is the bacon of the sea” -the drunk computer
“You did say the dog was the trash compactor.” -Natalie
“Joe Mike the he/she.” -Laurie
Mary: “This is just going down the tubes.”
Laurie: “We started out in the tube.”
Heather: “The fallopian tube!”
“I said dimples!” -Theresa
“The day I can clench my nipples is the day I’m on Letterman making money.” -Laurie
“See what foulness I have to live with? If it weren’t for the cleavage...” -Theresa
“Do you have nipples on tape?” -Heather to Natalie
“And you thought you were done writing.” -Laurie
“I licked it clean.” -Heather
“Get loaded, grab your cookie sheet and go outside.” -Laurie, re: sledding in college
“If you were a chicken with a penis...” -Heather
“It should be if you were the chicken with the strap-on.” -Laurie
”You know that line you’re not supposed to cross?” -Laurie
Rona: “There’s no problem chocolate can’t fix.”
Natalie: “Except for obesity.”
Heather: “Or incontinence.”
“My bare ass hanging out.” -Sarah
“I think I just had chicken sex with your drink!” -Heather
“Why are the pages all wet?” -Rona
“If this was how we did it, I’d be all about the oral because I’m not doing that.” -Rona
“Ew!” -Rona, reading the book
“This explains so much about you to me.” -Rona
“Wait till you get to the puppies and the people. Not together.” -Heather
“That’s a pap smear that’s not going to come out right.” -Heather
“Look, Corde’s in this book!” -Rona, pointing to the umbilical cord drawing
Laurie: “My uncle told his seven-year-old boys to just pull on it till it threw up and then it would go away.”
Gary: “It comes back.”
“Boobs and Snickers, that’s all I need.” -Gary
“Scud muscles.” -Natalie
“Hunter actually wakes up and puts makeup on.” -Heather
“I’ve already had like three drinks! And the keyboard.” -Heather
(re: braless Sunday)
Theresa: “It’s time to let them be free. Let them fly.”
Natalie: “Yours fly?”
“What kind of crappy restaurant is this? I got bread and water!” -Heather
“Forget the plastic shit, I get real food!” -Sarah
“Are you teaching my kids that pizza and turkey are appropriate for breakfast?” -Rona
Kayleigh: “Mommy?”
Rona: “Your sister is nuts.”
“Maybe we don’t want to live in Laurie’s world. There’s a lot of cash but everything else there sucks.” -Rona
“Your syrup bottle is defective. It doesn’t talk.” -Laurie
“I can’t come in today. The plane just won’t leave the Bahamas.” -Cristin
(negotiating dinner)
Bethie: “Deal?”
Rona: “Deal.”
Bethie: “Well, that worked out well!”
Rona: “Sweetie? Heard that.”
(re: the arranged marriage between Hunter and the girls)
Rona: “This is such an open-minded group, I think he can have both of them.”
Bethie: “Yay!”
“I just groped you in public, didn’t I?” -Heather
“I think my tongue’s going to fall out of my mouth.” -Laurie
Sarah: “I’m surprised you didn’t steal anything.”
Laurie: “Pen!”
“I went from teacher voice to enabling thievery.” -Sarah
(re: Legolas)
Cristin: “Look what he can do with elephants.”
Laurie: “I just did really bad things with trunks.”
< playing with Kayleigh and Bethie’s dolls >
“Do the boys’ feet come off, too? Oh, give them high heels!” -Cristin
“That is not right, people!” -Kayleigh, giving the boys their real shoes back
“Crap, I’m a zombie and I didn’t even know it.” -Laurie
“Do you think he’ll fit in a dress?” -Cristin
“I have almost the same shirt. I have to throw it away now.” -Laurie
Heather: “He’s comfortable in his own femininity, what’s wrong with that?”
Laurie: “He’d have to be, with that haircut.”
“Dr. FrankenLaurie.” -Natalie
“I’ll put him in a dress right now.” -Kayleigh
“You’re going to have mutilated Barbie parts all over your house now.” -Laurie
“What is he, a eunuch?” -Heather
“They don’t fit over his big birthin’ hips.” -Laurie
“She’s got an armpit rash, don’t cover for her.” -Laurie
“Now he’s naked and he has no feet.” -Laurie
“I don’t think it would look right on a boy. Though it’d be damn funny.” -Laurie
“I’m demented and you look cool.” -Laurie, comparing hers and Natalie’s dolls
“She’s got the flush for fashion.” -Gary, re: Natalie
Laurie: “I was letting out his inner...”
Sarah: “Drag queen?”
< /playing with Kayleigh and Bethie’s dolls >
“You learn all about these people through geek osmosis.” -Cristin
“It doesn’t work! I have lesbian Christmas lights!” -Laurie
“I’d make a lot of money till the suing began.” -Laurie
< Return of the King >
“And Orlando. He’s just cute. I want to play with him. Teach him things he never knew before.” -Theresa
“I know I’m a little overweight, but this is ridiculous!” -Laurie, re: Sam
“It’ll do wonders for your figure, and benefit the planet!” -Laurie
Laurie: “For some reason he looks better on a horse.”
Rona: “You like your men mounted?”
“Let me handle your blunt blade.” -Rona
“They’d rather be burning that guy, dead or not, than be outside fighting. Cuz I’d be the first to light a match.” -Laurie
Rona: “I thought he wasn’t dead.”
Everyone: “He’s not.”
Rona: “Man, Daddy is bent!”
“I have cramps, I can’t fight today.” -Laurie
“Hobbit Power!” -Sarah
“That’s it, I’m getting a job at Ringling Brothers.” -Laurie, re: the oliphants
Rona: “Why do the bad guys always get the big animals?”
Laurie: “Because they’re the ones with genetic mutations!”
“Girls kick *ass*!” -Theresa, during the Eowyn scene
“Every self-respecting villain should have shrubs.” -Rona
(re: Frodo)
Laurie: “You’ve been eating the fireplace again, haven’t you?”
Sarah: “Stop looking for Santa.”
Sarah: “Where do the eagles come from?”
Natalie: “Eagle mommies and daddies.”
Sarah: “Is it like the chickens or the puppies? I’m thinking chickens because of the wing thing.”
“Hobbits are obviously inflammable.” -Laurie
“They’re like the two Ivans.” -Rona
“Eowyn says ‘damn, you can have him, I’ve got *this* king!” -Sarah, re: Arwen and Aragorn
“We’re taller than everyone.” -Natalie, re: the hobbits
“Whose idea was it to watch this damn movie?” -Theresa
Sarah: “The easier question is, raise your hand if you’re *not* crying.”
Natalie: “Who in this room is soulless?”
< /Return of the King >
Laurie: “I want an Irony Barbie. Where she’s flat-chested and flat-footed...”
Corde: “With an ass the size of Wisconsin.”
Laurie: “No interest in Ken.”
Laurie: “No interest in Barbie at all.”
Rona: “But he finds GI Joe strangely attractive.”
“Ken and the angry inch.” -Corde
“You look at Peter Jackson and you think, there’s a guy who talks to himself.” -Corde
“It’s cold there. They cry ice cubes, for Chrissakes.” -Laurie
(re: Kayleigh’s pajamas)
Corde: “Oh, when the monkeys go marching in...”
Natalie: “Does that mean the monkeys are dead?”
Corde: “I was in Canadia this morning!”
Sarah: “They don’t have snark there?”
Corde: “Yes they do!”
Laurie: “But it’s not worth as much with the exchange rate.”
“Mooses don’t moo.” -Natalie
(re: Corde’s hand gestures)
Corde: “This is when you have hijinks in the car?”
Sarah: “Then you only use one hand.”
Natalie: “What happens if you have hijinks with no hands?”
Sarah: “You start using other body parts.”
“It was a hodgepodge of culture and I’m surprised I survived.” -Corde
Corde: “I’m only funny with you guys around.”
Rona: “And you do it so well.”
Corde: “< airquote > Thanks. < /airquote >”
Corde: “It’s Canadian. It’s Inuit, actually.”
Laurie: “It’s drunkenness.”
“Oh, and I totally forgot to tell you how I fell down!” -Corde at the end of her story about how she fell down
“I tried to make her do the Macarena and her arm fell off.” -Natalie
Corde: “I thought it was two different animals and they...”
???: “Where’s the book?!”
“Give birth through Heimlich.” -Corde
Corde: “Somebody tell me what to do.”
Rona: “I have a list!”
“Pin a big note to your shirt saying if lost, please return to...” -Sarah
Laurie: “Pretend you’re a teenage boy. 87” of underwear.”
Rona: “I’m not wearing any underwear.”
“I pledge allegiance to the floor...” -?
“I want to eat the Flash.” -Cristin
“When the doctor said why don’t you cut down on carbs and I said why don’t you bite me.” -Corde
“I have four arms but two of them are really short.” -Laurie
“I have to get my shoe so I can empty out my pockets.” -Corde
Laurie: “Wow, you’re going to get carpal tunnel from Scapers.”
Corde: “My mind went to a totally wrong place with that.”
“I don’t have anything that matches. My eyes are the same color.” -Corde
(going through Laurie’s jeans)
Natalie: “The back pocket?”
Laurie: “Yeah the... Not the passenger side.”
“Detangle? What? No, detach!” -Laurie, re: her hair
Laurie: “My pants are coming off. You need to leave.”
Corde: “I’ve heard that about you.”
“I would be a half-Laurie, half-pillow.” -Laurie
Cristin: “I want twins. At the same time.”
Sarah: “They generally come that way.”
“Do they want my eardrums to bleed? Is that their goal?” -Laurie
“Why are you looking at me like you’re sad I’m this way?” -Laurie
“We’re getting married, we’re getting married...” -Hunter and Bethie
“I like gathering with Scapers.” -Kayleigh
Laurie: “It’s time to sleep. ”
Bethie: “Hey, I’m married to him!”
“Concept, yes. Lyrics, no.” -Laurie, re: Bethie’s song
“Hey, your husband’s stuck in the bathroom.” -Laurie to Bethie
“It’s hideor. Hideor? Hideouser.” -Gary
“You too can make children laugh on command.” -Cristin
“Be nice, kids.” -Hunter
“Crash, boom, 87 dead.” -Laurie
“She’s got a gigantic head but at least she’s wearing underwear.” -Corde
Corde: “She’s got very pretty makeup.”
Laurie: “I’m sure people say the same thing about hookers.”
“She does look like a college student. She needs to be shot.” -Corde
(from across the house)
Rona: “Kids, no more hitting!”
Kayleigh: “Okay!”
Heather: “Actually, that was me.”
“You know what that needs to be funny? Crack.” -Corde
“I even backed up my porn.” -Cristin
“He’s a good girl.” -Sarah
“We have an accomplished cross-dresser.” -Corde