ok i am going to post
Its strange. Im actually a little at peace at the moment. I'll update a little on background.
The car Lonny had bought me as most of you know finally breathed its last breath a year ago in march which caused me to have to quit my job.
Lonny and his mother offered me to come live with them in Springville a year ago in April. The year together has the vast majority of the time been amazing. I know it had been getting harder and harder for us to say goodbye to each other when we lived so far apart and so being able to wake up next to him everyday was such a blessing. I had never lived with a boyfriend before so i was really paniced on what it potentially could do to our relationship but i needed to move in so i could get a job (working with him at Nestle) and get out of debt. The goods definatly outweighed the bads, but it did force us to see and try and deal with each others flaws as well, which only seeing each other once a week didnt really come up.
Lonny and i are deciding whether or not to seperate (not break up) or remain together at the moment. i do not nessicarily view it as a bad thing (although i would like to be able to work out our differences) I think though that we will be ok eventually.
Our biggest problems is my anxiety,which i got a big wakeup call by reading ALL of my old lj posts . I saw that i do tend to be happiest with people around me, and things to do, but my god my old posts i would have countless things to do all the time places to go people to see etc but the one day i was alone i would doubt my self worth or demand to know who my friends were and why no one liked me. I was blind to all of the things people did for and with me. i see it now that it was not just a pattern but a LIFESTYLE. It was self damaging and hurting every relationship be it friends lovers coworkers or family. wow. i was finally able to view myself from a 3rd person perspective, and seeing that was a huge wakeup call. How can a relationship remain healthy and happy when one party is never satisfied with what the other gives? when all your efforts that were made were always met with "what are we going to do now?" hmmm. it was very educational. He is not a social creature so his biggest needs are not to be constantly doing something. The thing that i think also did alot of damage was my total dependance on him. I had no car so i was reliant on him to take me to work, take me to run errands and keep me happy because i couldnt just go do my own thing. i dont really have friends in utah county. Lonny and i dont do anything more socially stimulating than going to coffee most of the time so i had a hard time making friends and not too many of my friends in slc could afford to drive all the way up to come see me.
so lonny was IT. That was a huge pressure to put on him, and not fair of me to do so. I have achieved more goals this year though than i ever have. i am pretty much completely out of debt and Lonny and i were planning on renting a house together next month ( i think that scared him too)i was almost to the point of being able to buy a car and be able to give us both the gift of my independance. Which i think would make us both alot happier.
anyways i could probably write for hours on what is going on (we dont know yet) but i really want the main focus of this post to be that im ok. really am. If it was a breakup i would probably be more morose than i am. dont get me wrong i am worried and a tad paniced but i think we are going to realize what we have is not unworkable. i have complaints about him too so he knows im not taking ALL the responsibility but here is what i have decided to do reguardless if there is a separation or not.
1. im going on anti anxiety pills (not forever though)
2. within the next month im going to start seeing a councelor to get over my rejection issues and past hurts
3. i want a car!!!!! thank you Lonny brian and amanda for car shopping with me!! i almost walked off the lot with a car yesterday but amanda suggested to take it to a mechanic first. a great idea i had been mulling over too
4. i need to be able to give lonny his space as long as we do make plans to spend SOME time together (i find this going to be easier with me having a car so i can have other places to go)
These things i feel with help me with my own personal demons. reguardless of what happens i still am at a better place in my life emotionally and financially than i would have been without this experiance. if we do separate yes i will hurt, but i still think i am able to move in the positive forward direction.
Right now i am at a friends house. Lonny does not know where i am. nor should he. I decided we are never going to rationally come to a decision with us living together and me following him around like a hurt puppy dog. i will be here till sunday. both of us need time to think alone. Before i left we had still been able to laugh together cuddle and hug each other while trying to cope, that is a positive sign. i really do believe that everything is going to be ok between us in the end. sometimes you just have to slow down and breathe as a wise amanda told me the other night.
I am at peace because i can be. I choose to be, to focus on the positives in my life, of which i have too many to count. sometimes i just need someone to help me when i start to tend to talk about only the negatives.
I love you all, hopefully i will buy a car monday so i can start to be around for you all more often. Goodnight
The car Lonny had bought me as most of you know finally breathed its last breath a year ago in march which caused me to have to quit my job.
Lonny and his mother offered me to come live with them in Springville a year ago in April. The year together has the vast majority of the time been amazing. I know it had been getting harder and harder for us to say goodbye to each other when we lived so far apart and so being able to wake up next to him everyday was such a blessing. I had never lived with a boyfriend before so i was really paniced on what it potentially could do to our relationship but i needed to move in so i could get a job (working with him at Nestle) and get out of debt. The goods definatly outweighed the bads, but it did force us to see and try and deal with each others flaws as well, which only seeing each other once a week didnt really come up.
Lonny and i are deciding whether or not to seperate (not break up) or remain together at the moment. i do not nessicarily view it as a bad thing (although i would like to be able to work out our differences) I think though that we will be ok eventually.
Our biggest problems is my anxiety,which i got a big wakeup call by reading ALL of my old lj posts . I saw that i do tend to be happiest with people around me, and things to do, but my god my old posts i would have countless things to do all the time places to go people to see etc but the one day i was alone i would doubt my self worth or demand to know who my friends were and why no one liked me. I was blind to all of the things people did for and with me. i see it now that it was not just a pattern but a LIFESTYLE. It was self damaging and hurting every relationship be it friends lovers coworkers or family. wow. i was finally able to view myself from a 3rd person perspective, and seeing that was a huge wakeup call. How can a relationship remain healthy and happy when one party is never satisfied with what the other gives? when all your efforts that were made were always met with "what are we going to do now?" hmmm. it was very educational. He is not a social creature so his biggest needs are not to be constantly doing something. The thing that i think also did alot of damage was my total dependance on him. I had no car so i was reliant on him to take me to work, take me to run errands and keep me happy because i couldnt just go do my own thing. i dont really have friends in utah county. Lonny and i dont do anything more socially stimulating than going to coffee most of the time so i had a hard time making friends and not too many of my friends in slc could afford to drive all the way up to come see me.
so lonny was IT. That was a huge pressure to put on him, and not fair of me to do so. I have achieved more goals this year though than i ever have. i am pretty much completely out of debt and Lonny and i were planning on renting a house together next month ( i think that scared him too)i was almost to the point of being able to buy a car and be able to give us both the gift of my independance. Which i think would make us both alot happier.
anyways i could probably write for hours on what is going on (we dont know yet) but i really want the main focus of this post to be that im ok. really am. If it was a breakup i would probably be more morose than i am. dont get me wrong i am worried and a tad paniced but i think we are going to realize what we have is not unworkable. i have complaints about him too so he knows im not taking ALL the responsibility but here is what i have decided to do reguardless if there is a separation or not.
1. im going on anti anxiety pills (not forever though)
2. within the next month im going to start seeing a councelor to get over my rejection issues and past hurts
3. i want a car!!!!! thank you Lonny brian and amanda for car shopping with me!! i almost walked off the lot with a car yesterday but amanda suggested to take it to a mechanic first. a great idea i had been mulling over too
4. i need to be able to give lonny his space as long as we do make plans to spend SOME time together (i find this going to be easier with me having a car so i can have other places to go)
These things i feel with help me with my own personal demons. reguardless of what happens i still am at a better place in my life emotionally and financially than i would have been without this experiance. if we do separate yes i will hurt, but i still think i am able to move in the positive forward direction.
Right now i am at a friends house. Lonny does not know where i am. nor should he. I decided we are never going to rationally come to a decision with us living together and me following him around like a hurt puppy dog. i will be here till sunday. both of us need time to think alone. Before i left we had still been able to laugh together cuddle and hug each other while trying to cope, that is a positive sign. i really do believe that everything is going to be ok between us in the end. sometimes you just have to slow down and breathe as a wise amanda told me the other night.
I am at peace because i can be. I choose to be, to focus on the positives in my life, of which i have too many to count. sometimes i just need someone to help me when i start to tend to talk about only the negatives.
I love you all, hopefully i will buy a car monday so i can start to be around for you all more often. Goodnight