but you're an animal, baby, it's in your nature
Actual text messages I have sent recently. They have been deliberately mixed up in time frame, and certain lines have been deleted to protect the guilty.
Me: geeeeet online i'm sobored i'm almost sober 1:05 AM
Me: so it is on like donkey kong 9:04 AM
Me: fanfic quote begins now: "Harry accidentally rapes Draco and Draco gets pregnant thanks to his centaur ancestry. Harry feels bad and wants to help Draco. Draco is thinking about the baby and likes Harry's attention. Will love grow and blossom?" 8:51 PM
Me: this is like the author put words into a blender, forgot to put the lid on, got words all over the ceiling, scraped them off and called it fanfic WHY DID THEY DO THIS TO ME WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY 8:51 PM
Me: oh SHUT IT like you know how to clean nail polish remover off pants or whether to be worried depending on the chemical composition of the remover PLUS fiber of the pants! 8:32 AM
Me: SUPERHOUSEWIFE TO THE RESCUE 8:32 AM
Me: OKAY BUT IS IT TOTALLY WHITE TRASH OF ME 5:40 PM
leigh: I WILL BE AWAKE 2:17 AM
leigh: Just need to eat something 2:18 AM
Me: i hear "i'm going to eat something and crash like a bitch" 2:18 AM
leigh: NO BITCH CRASHING 2:19 AM
Me: <3<3<3 8:40 PM
Me: <3 8:49 PM
leigh: That extra heart was really important, huh? 8:50 PM
Me: VERY EXTREMELY IMPORTANT 8:50 PM
Me: it's like0 ... pretend you're throwing a stereotypical temper tantrum or whatevs, you suck it in and then just don't let your breath out for as long as possible 7:58 AM
Me: i lived in northern california for a year it's not my fault; when you get off the greyhound you start breathing like that naturally, it's like a virus 7:59 AM
Me: lkajsdflkajdflkjaldkfj did you text me from the subway again I HATE THAT you're the only friend i have that makes me feel slightly less insane than ir eally am 5:50 AM
Me: whatever i'm a savings of 450 dollars that's like a new car payment 8:24 PM
leigh: If only I needed a car! ;) 8:25 PM
Josh: In unrelated news, fence goes up tomorrow. 12:29 PM
Me: awesome! aidyn is convinced he is going on an epic trek... for some really unknown reason 12:35 PM
Josh: He's Aidyn! Epic treks are what he does. 12:39 PM
Me: true 12:40 PM
Me: but he's trying to convince ME of it and ... i am just saying no. and now he's whining at me. like he has to go pee 2 hrs after i let him out the last time 12:40 PM
Josh: Are you sure it's not, "Let's go find daddy!"? 12:42 PM
Me: I mean, it's pretty hard to say. I don't _actually_ speak Squeaky. 12:47 PM
Me: you should text her. my phone sends text messages to landlines as computer generated voice messages and i wonder if yours does too because that would be awesome 8:26 PM
leigh: Hahaha, thaaaat is awesome. 8:27 PM
Me: and it comes thru in like, a robo voice. i found this out when i texted a friend in alabama who doesn't have a cell and they got a computer generated dude going "Sometimes I just want to kill everyone. MESSAGE FROM [Erika's phone number]' 8:28 PM
Me: they were pretty confused until i was like WHY DIDN'T YOU TEXT ME BACK 8:30 PM
Me: well if you're about to go into the grocery store CALL ME WHEN YOU'RE DONE BUYING YOUR BOOZE OK?! 8:33 PM
Me: you probably need to do a deep cleaning, try either using rubbing alcohol to clean off the track pad (or vodka would work) or get a techie friend to do it 10:35 PM
leigh: That is almost word for word what my sister's tech-sector boyfriend recommended. :) Just have to get around to getting rubbing alcohol. 10:39 PM
Me: that's because i'm a complete freaking geek :P 10:42 PM
leigh: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THIS EARLIER IN OUR RELATIONSHIP, I CANNOT BE FRIENDS WITH *GEEKS* 10:45 PM
Me: EXCUSE ME YOU WHORE YOU'RE A LITERATURE GEEK JUST AS MUCH AS I'M A COMPUTER GEEK 10:45 PM
leigh: SOOOOMEHOW YOURS SOUNDS GEEKIER THAN MINE :P 10:46 PM
Me: EXCEPT MINE HAS FUNCTIONALITY IN THE REAL FUCKING WORLD AND YOURS JUST MAKES YOU SOUND PRETENTIOUS AS SHIT YOU SEXY CUNT <3 <3 <3 10:47 PM
Me: OF COURSE I'm never going to get laid again because everything about me is hatred 11:00 PM
leigh: Sure you are. I will send you good rimming karma right now. I CAN DO SHIT LIKE THAT. 11:02 PM
Me: I left you a voice mail and it has ALMOST ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU IN THERE 12:55 AM
Me: But not all of it because THIS IS SPINAL TAP AND MY LOVE FOR YOU GOES TO ELEVEN 12:56 AM
Me: AND I WOULD'VE MESSAGED YOU BACK, TOO, IF IT WEREN'T FOR THOSE MEDDLING KIDS 4:43 AM
Me: I'm pretending we are playing laser tag! 12:32 AM
Me: also i was thinking of something i wanted to tell you earlier and now i can't remember what it is at all 9:43 AM
Josh: :( 9:44 AM
Me: OHHHHH RIGHT-- okay so i have worked out the normal morning stiffness and baby, the _outsides_ of my thighs are killing me because you WORKED ME OVER LAST NIGHT 9:45 AM
Josh: Poor baby! 9:50 AM
Me: as a decorating choice: using the tinfoil garland from my xmas tree which has gold stars hanging from it to wrap around my replica of the starship enterprise: awesome or SO awesome? 9:25AM
Me: really i'm looking at it now and it's surprisingly subtle 9:28AM
Me: Okay but you're canceling rhapsody! - - you know what, I'm just going to leave that autocorrect for 'entirely' alone. 12:02 PM
Me: you never came back you're a drunk tease LEIGH YOU'RE A PUSSY TEASE. BUT I <3 YOU-- PLZ PLZ PLZ MARRY ME--o wait! wld u move 2 iowa if u married me plz rsvp 4:07 PM
Josh: Aliiiiiive? 12:25 PM
Me: No :( 12:34 PM
Josh: :( 12:35 PM
Me: I know this really fucks up your plans to get laid :( 12:37 PM
Josh: Eh, just keep the body warm 12:37 PM
Me: Eh, I admire your ability to find the perfect way out of many situations. 12:40 PM
Josh: What?! 12:41 PM
Me: Actually I really think Teyla and Ronon will have eaten me first 12:43 PM
Me: I mean, they will be sad for like five minutes, then... Hey, isn't mom made out of meat? 12:43 PM
Josh: ...no 12:44 PM
Me: badnews/goodnews: bad news: knocked over your sqr lcd monitor borrowing yr laptop (IT WAS BALANCED ON CABLES) -- good news: IT'S FINE i think pretty sure 1:42 PM
Josh: Y u hate 2:18 PM
Me: I am right SO VERY RIGHT and you know it, you're just a non confrontational pussy 11:18 AM
Me: GOD YOU FUCKING SLUT oh wait ... okay question is 'gash' worse than 'cunt' because i feel like it is and idk why 8:46 AM
leigh: Is it really? I mean I can see why it would be worse as specifically applied to the female genitalia because it's kind of pathologizing but OH MY GOD WHY AM I EVEN SPEAKING 8:51 AM
Me: okay but like, if i just out of nowhere called you gash, wouldn't you be upset!? 8:52 AM
Me: idk somehow cunt is just friendlier, probably because it doesn't sound like you've been attacked with a knife 8:52 AM
leigh: ...no? 8:53 AM
leigh: But I'm not sure I would AUTOMATICALLY be upset by any word 8:53 AM
Me: okay BUT... random gay guy on the street calls out "hey [expletive], your outfit is SHIT!"... this is what i imagine cat-calling in the castro to be like 8:54 AM
Me: insert 'cunt' or 'gash' in the sentence and tell me which is more offensive because I REALLY THINK GASH IS 8:54 AM
leigh: DON'T OVERTHINK SHIT, ERIKAA 8:55 AM
Me: whatever cat-calling in the castro is totally like that 8:56 AM
leigh: no it is but still 8:57 AM
Me: rofl i love you <3 <3 <3 8:57 AM
leigh: Most of the gay dudes in the Castro at this point are 40+, I love them all. 8:58 AM
Me: LOOK I MAINTAIN WHEN SHE SENDS YOU THAT CHECK? YOU WILL LOVE ME EVEN MORE 11:15 AM
leigh: I am totally drunk at the same place where several weeks ago I lost all my shit. GOOD ASS DECISIONS. 1:29 AM
Me: i am wearing cats' eye eyeliner brushed on using waterproof mascara on the bottom lid to my therapy appt. I'LL LET YOU KNOW HOW IT TURNS OUT: GOOD ASS DECISIONS PART DEUX 2:14 PM
leigh: ROCK ON 2:47 PM
leigh: I had an interview thing today for a sort-of-promotion at work, at 11 a.m. Drank the majority of a bottle of gin last night + a whole bottle of wine + a beer. Woke up at 10:30 this morning still drunk. Called cab, did interview, was fucking CHARMING. I win at life. Now can go home and sleep all day. 2:51 PM
leigh: I should just do all interviews mildly drunk, it works so well. 2:53 PM
Me: That is amazeballs. 3:55 PM
leigh: How'd it go? 3:55 PM
Me: um... can i still come to sf? 7:32 PM
Me: btw, waterproof mascara as eyeliner works perfectly. 7:34 PM
Me: do you want a pseudonym or do you not gaf? 9:01 AM
leigh: I do not in fact gaf. 9:02 AM
Originally posted at Dreamwidth. Comment there (
), or feel free to comment here.
Me: geeeeet online i'm sobored i'm almost sober 1:05 AM
Me: so it is on like donkey kong 9:04 AM
Me: fanfic quote begins now: "Harry accidentally rapes Draco and Draco gets pregnant thanks to his centaur ancestry. Harry feels bad and wants to help Draco. Draco is thinking about the baby and likes Harry's attention. Will love grow and blossom?" 8:51 PM
Me: this is like the author put words into a blender, forgot to put the lid on, got words all over the ceiling, scraped them off and called it fanfic WHY DID THEY DO THIS TO ME WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY 8:51 PM
Me: oh SHUT IT like you know how to clean nail polish remover off pants or whether to be worried depending on the chemical composition of the remover PLUS fiber of the pants! 8:32 AM
Me: SUPERHOUSEWIFE TO THE RESCUE 8:32 AM
Me: OKAY BUT IS IT TOTALLY WHITE TRASH OF ME 5:40 PM
leigh: I WILL BE AWAKE 2:17 AM
leigh: Just need to eat something 2:18 AM
Me: i hear "i'm going to eat something and crash like a bitch" 2:18 AM
leigh: NO BITCH CRASHING 2:19 AM
Me: <3<3<3 8:40 PM
Me: <3 8:49 PM
leigh: That extra heart was really important, huh? 8:50 PM
Me: VERY EXTREMELY IMPORTANT 8:50 PM
Me: it's like0 ... pretend you're throwing a stereotypical temper tantrum or whatevs, you suck it in and then just don't let your breath out for as long as possible 7:58 AM
Me: i lived in northern california for a year it's not my fault; when you get off the greyhound you start breathing like that naturally, it's like a virus 7:59 AM
Me: lkajsdflkajdflkjaldkfj did you text me from the subway again I HATE THAT you're the only friend i have that makes me feel slightly less insane than ir eally am 5:50 AM
Me: whatever i'm a savings of 450 dollars that's like a new car payment 8:24 PM
leigh: If only I needed a car! ;) 8:25 PM
Josh: In unrelated news, fence goes up tomorrow. 12:29 PM
Me: awesome! aidyn is convinced he is going on an epic trek... for some really unknown reason 12:35 PM
Josh: He's Aidyn! Epic treks are what he does. 12:39 PM
Me: true 12:40 PM
Me: but he's trying to convince ME of it and ... i am just saying no. and now he's whining at me. like he has to go pee 2 hrs after i let him out the last time 12:40 PM
Josh: Are you sure it's not, "Let's go find daddy!"? 12:42 PM
Me: I mean, it's pretty hard to say. I don't _actually_ speak Squeaky. 12:47 PM
Me: you should text her. my phone sends text messages to landlines as computer generated voice messages and i wonder if yours does too because that would be awesome 8:26 PM
leigh: Hahaha, thaaaat is awesome. 8:27 PM
Me: and it comes thru in like, a robo voice. i found this out when i texted a friend in alabama who doesn't have a cell and they got a computer generated dude going "Sometimes I just want to kill everyone. MESSAGE FROM [Erika's phone number]' 8:28 PM
Me: they were pretty confused until i was like WHY DIDN'T YOU TEXT ME BACK 8:30 PM
Me: well if you're about to go into the grocery store CALL ME WHEN YOU'RE DONE BUYING YOUR BOOZE OK?! 8:33 PM
Me: you probably need to do a deep cleaning, try either using rubbing alcohol to clean off the track pad (or vodka would work) or get a techie friend to do it 10:35 PM
leigh: That is almost word for word what my sister's tech-sector boyfriend recommended. :) Just have to get around to getting rubbing alcohol. 10:39 PM
Me: that's because i'm a complete freaking geek :P 10:42 PM
leigh: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THIS EARLIER IN OUR RELATIONSHIP, I CANNOT BE FRIENDS WITH *GEEKS* 10:45 PM
Me: EXCUSE ME YOU WHORE YOU'RE A LITERATURE GEEK JUST AS MUCH AS I'M A COMPUTER GEEK 10:45 PM
leigh: SOOOOMEHOW YOURS SOUNDS GEEKIER THAN MINE :P 10:46 PM
Me: EXCEPT MINE HAS FUNCTIONALITY IN THE REAL FUCKING WORLD AND YOURS JUST MAKES YOU SOUND PRETENTIOUS AS SHIT YOU SEXY CUNT <3 <3 <3 10:47 PM
Me: OF COURSE I'm never going to get laid again because everything about me is hatred 11:00 PM
leigh: Sure you are. I will send you good rimming karma right now. I CAN DO SHIT LIKE THAT. 11:02 PM
Me: I left you a voice mail and it has ALMOST ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU IN THERE 12:55 AM
Me: But not all of it because THIS IS SPINAL TAP AND MY LOVE FOR YOU GOES TO ELEVEN 12:56 AM
Me: AND I WOULD'VE MESSAGED YOU BACK, TOO, IF IT WEREN'T FOR THOSE MEDDLING KIDS 4:43 AM
Me: I'm pretending we are playing laser tag! 12:32 AM
Me: also i was thinking of something i wanted to tell you earlier and now i can't remember what it is at all 9:43 AM
Josh: :( 9:44 AM
Me: OHHHHH RIGHT-- okay so i have worked out the normal morning stiffness and baby, the _outsides_ of my thighs are killing me because you WORKED ME OVER LAST NIGHT 9:45 AM
Josh: Poor baby! 9:50 AM
Me: as a decorating choice: using the tinfoil garland from my xmas tree which has gold stars hanging from it to wrap around my replica of the starship enterprise: awesome or SO awesome? 9:25AM
Me: really i'm looking at it now and it's surprisingly subtle 9:28AM
Me: Okay but you're canceling rhapsody! - - you know what, I'm just going to leave that autocorrect for 'entirely' alone. 12:02 PM
Me: you never came back you're a drunk tease LEIGH YOU'RE A PUSSY TEASE. BUT I <3 YOU-- PLZ PLZ PLZ MARRY ME--o wait! wld u move 2 iowa if u married me plz rsvp 4:07 PM
Josh: Aliiiiiive? 12:25 PM
Me: No :( 12:34 PM
Josh: :( 12:35 PM
Me: I know this really fucks up your plans to get laid :( 12:37 PM
Josh: Eh, just keep the body warm 12:37 PM
Me: Eh, I admire your ability to find the perfect way out of many situations. 12:40 PM
Josh: What?! 12:41 PM
Me: Actually I really think Teyla and Ronon will have eaten me first 12:43 PM
Me: I mean, they will be sad for like five minutes, then... Hey, isn't mom made out of meat? 12:43 PM
Josh: ...no 12:44 PM
Me: badnews/goodnews: bad news: knocked over your sqr lcd monitor borrowing yr laptop (IT WAS BALANCED ON CABLES) -- good news: IT'S FINE i think pretty sure 1:42 PM
Josh: Y u hate 2:18 PM
Me: I am right SO VERY RIGHT and you know it, you're just a non confrontational pussy 11:18 AM
Me: GOD YOU FUCKING SLUT oh wait ... okay question is 'gash' worse than 'cunt' because i feel like it is and idk why 8:46 AM
leigh: Is it really? I mean I can see why it would be worse as specifically applied to the female genitalia because it's kind of pathologizing but OH MY GOD WHY AM I EVEN SPEAKING 8:51 AM
Me: okay but like, if i just out of nowhere called you gash, wouldn't you be upset!? 8:52 AM
Me: idk somehow cunt is just friendlier, probably because it doesn't sound like you've been attacked with a knife 8:52 AM
leigh: ...no? 8:53 AM
leigh: But I'm not sure I would AUTOMATICALLY be upset by any word 8:53 AM
Me: okay BUT... random gay guy on the street calls out "hey [expletive], your outfit is SHIT!"... this is what i imagine cat-calling in the castro to be like 8:54 AM
Me: insert 'cunt' or 'gash' in the sentence and tell me which is more offensive because I REALLY THINK GASH IS 8:54 AM
leigh: DON'T OVERTHINK SHIT, ERIKAA 8:55 AM
Me: whatever cat-calling in the castro is totally like that 8:56 AM
leigh: no it is but still 8:57 AM
Me: rofl i love you <3 <3 <3 8:57 AM
leigh: Most of the gay dudes in the Castro at this point are 40+, I love them all. 8:58 AM
Me: LOOK I MAINTAIN WHEN SHE SENDS YOU THAT CHECK? YOU WILL LOVE ME EVEN MORE 11:15 AM
leigh: I am totally drunk at the same place where several weeks ago I lost all my shit. GOOD ASS DECISIONS. 1:29 AM
Me: i am wearing cats' eye eyeliner brushed on using waterproof mascara on the bottom lid to my therapy appt. I'LL LET YOU KNOW HOW IT TURNS OUT: GOOD ASS DECISIONS PART DEUX 2:14 PM
leigh: ROCK ON 2:47 PM
leigh: I had an interview thing today for a sort-of-promotion at work, at 11 a.m. Drank the majority of a bottle of gin last night + a whole bottle of wine + a beer. Woke up at 10:30 this morning still drunk. Called cab, did interview, was fucking CHARMING. I win at life. Now can go home and sleep all day. 2:51 PM
leigh: I should just do all interviews mildly drunk, it works so well. 2:53 PM
Me: That is amazeballs. 3:55 PM
leigh: How'd it go? 3:55 PM
Me: um... can i still come to sf? 7:32 PM
Me: btw, waterproof mascara as eyeliner works perfectly. 7:34 PM
Me: do you want a pseudonym or do you not gaf? 9:01 AM
leigh: I do not in fact gaf. 9:02 AM
Originally posted at Dreamwidth. Comment there (
), or feel free to comment here.