my heart knows me better than i know myself
So fucking tired of emotional growth. Can we get some emotional stagnation up in this bitch? Seriously, I think I could handle stagnating here for a bit.
On the plus side, I have reliable home internet again. On the negative side, roughly everything else! Except my friends. My friends continue to be awesome, and never ask questions like "why are you texting me at 3 in the morning you fucking bitch I hate you"--although technically that's more of a run-on sentence than a question.
Today I went and stared at the sunset through the trees behind my house. It was very beautiful, as sunsets tend to be, but I don't think I even noticed. I kept thinking about cutting my hair, actually, because that's what I do in times of emotional trauma.
You see, my brain was obsessed with everything that was going wrong: my neighbor who I really like is moving and she's kinda blaming it on me and the dogs, I had just told Josh I felt like he was better off without me because he'd said that I made him feel like a bad person. Also:
i've moved out of my parents' house for the first time in over 5 years, my therapist is quitting as of mid oct and going into private practice and can't take medicare until he gets his provider number which usually takes 6+ months and he doesn't plan to start until 2014, WE MOVED, we haven't even had any of our regular bills yet and we're 150 dollars in the red so we might have to both donate plasma,
josh drove the SPORTS car that my dad basically GAVE him for 200 dollars without an oil change for over a year and it SURPRISINGLY stopped working, i still don't have all my clothes from my parents' house HERE let alone unpacked, i quit smoking but i have slipped twice while i was drinking because of the stress,
panda has been in a huge episode for the last ... year and it's just gotten worse this summer so she's like--less than helpful--and then i feel bad because i'm probably not helping her EITHER oh wait no I know I'm not because i'm a horrible friend
i'm doing ALL the cleaning and cooking everything from scratch because we're broke, and cleaning up after someone with severe ADHD who doesn't know how to clean is death by slow cuts or like taking care of a fucking toddler.
i'm also taking care of three dogs, despite the fact that our yard isn't fenced so i have to slowly and creakily hook them up to chains. the chains don't creak. i fucking do, because i have fibromyalgia, and i was supposed to get a goddamn CPAP machine fitted but i can't do it because i'm starting to get super upset at the thought of being trapped again
in the last two weeks i have had three full scale flashbacks about my childhood abuse, i've realized my parents are actually nearly as emotionally abusive as the fuckhead who beat the shit out of me when he was bored, MY PARENTS, so the first one was a flashback/panic attack cycle which lasted over 2 hrs
josh and i have fought almost every single night because we're so stressed out
i'm supposed to be doing physical therapy, i'm supposed to have a surgeon's appt for my deviated septum, neither of those are scheduled because no one will call me back and I hated the original physical therapist I saw.
i haven't gotten a letter from my psychiatrist explaining why i missed the class i missed back JUST AFTER I'D HAD GALLBLADDER SURGERY AND THEN GOT DX'D WITH FIBRO AND THEN MOVED, LIKE AN IDIOT, and i just had an appt with someone from the agency who paid for that class who's not best pleased with me and her agency may never pay for anything i do ever again AGKLJ:LSKJFL
AND I'M SURE I'M FORGETTING THINGS
But you know, things could be worse.
I feel like I've been in a box for most of my life (Josh pissed me off by comparing this to what teenagers go through, so I recommend not doing this), where other people were pushing on the sides to keep me in there, because that's where they could just keep me and store me in their brains, they didn't have to respect me or treat me like a real person, because I was in that handy-dandy box, right?
But now I've escaped and ... what do I do outside the box? Who am I outside the fucking box? The immediate temptation is to be the exact opposite of everything I was inside the box, but that's kind of a lot of energy-being completely unmessy, uncrazy, untired, unbroken, unworthless...? And besides, isn't a little bit of mess a good thing?
In the immortal words of O'Neill in the Groundhog Day-esque episode of SG-1 (Window of Opportunity oh yeah I'm so hot right now you want me don't you)-I'm taking the next couple of loops off.
Again, things could be worse. Josh and I could actually break up. Instead, mostly I wake him up in the middle of the night and make him kiss me.
Which is what I'm going to do now. And then I'm going to take a fucking nap, even if it's 3am and I should be sleeping for good, and then I'm going to get up, make sure the dogs are good, and take another nap.
You see, I've been pushing myself way too hard and I'm tired of the boom and bust, tired of the rise and fall, tired of the epiphany and the let-down-let's just have some gentle rocking for a bit. I can maybe handle that.
Originally posted at Dreamwidth. Comment there (
), or feel free to comment here.
On the plus side, I have reliable home internet again. On the negative side, roughly everything else! Except my friends. My friends continue to be awesome, and never ask questions like "why are you texting me at 3 in the morning you fucking bitch I hate you"--although technically that's more of a run-on sentence than a question.
Today I went and stared at the sunset through the trees behind my house. It was very beautiful, as sunsets tend to be, but I don't think I even noticed. I kept thinking about cutting my hair, actually, because that's what I do in times of emotional trauma.
You see, my brain was obsessed with everything that was going wrong: my neighbor who I really like is moving and she's kinda blaming it on me and the dogs, I had just told Josh I felt like he was better off without me because he'd said that I made him feel like a bad person. Also:
i've moved out of my parents' house for the first time in over 5 years, my therapist is quitting as of mid oct and going into private practice and can't take medicare until he gets his provider number which usually takes 6+ months and he doesn't plan to start until 2014, WE MOVED, we haven't even had any of our regular bills yet and we're 150 dollars in the red so we might have to both donate plasma,
josh drove the SPORTS car that my dad basically GAVE him for 200 dollars without an oil change for over a year and it SURPRISINGLY stopped working, i still don't have all my clothes from my parents' house HERE let alone unpacked, i quit smoking but i have slipped twice while i was drinking because of the stress,
panda has been in a huge episode for the last ... year and it's just gotten worse this summer so she's like--less than helpful--and then i feel bad because i'm probably not helping her EITHER oh wait no I know I'm not because i'm a horrible friend
i'm doing ALL the cleaning and cooking everything from scratch because we're broke, and cleaning up after someone with severe ADHD who doesn't know how to clean is death by slow cuts or like taking care of a fucking toddler.
i'm also taking care of three dogs, despite the fact that our yard isn't fenced so i have to slowly and creakily hook them up to chains. the chains don't creak. i fucking do, because i have fibromyalgia, and i was supposed to get a goddamn CPAP machine fitted but i can't do it because i'm starting to get super upset at the thought of being trapped again
in the last two weeks i have had three full scale flashbacks about my childhood abuse, i've realized my parents are actually nearly as emotionally abusive as the fuckhead who beat the shit out of me when he was bored, MY PARENTS, so the first one was a flashback/panic attack cycle which lasted over 2 hrs
josh and i have fought almost every single night because we're so stressed out
i'm supposed to be doing physical therapy, i'm supposed to have a surgeon's appt for my deviated septum, neither of those are scheduled because no one will call me back and I hated the original physical therapist I saw.
i haven't gotten a letter from my psychiatrist explaining why i missed the class i missed back JUST AFTER I'D HAD GALLBLADDER SURGERY AND THEN GOT DX'D WITH FIBRO AND THEN MOVED, LIKE AN IDIOT, and i just had an appt with someone from the agency who paid for that class who's not best pleased with me and her agency may never pay for anything i do ever again AGKLJ:LSKJFL
AND I'M SURE I'M FORGETTING THINGS
But you know, things could be worse.
I feel like I've been in a box for most of my life (Josh pissed me off by comparing this to what teenagers go through, so I recommend not doing this), where other people were pushing on the sides to keep me in there, because that's where they could just keep me and store me in their brains, they didn't have to respect me or treat me like a real person, because I was in that handy-dandy box, right?
But now I've escaped and ... what do I do outside the box? Who am I outside the fucking box? The immediate temptation is to be the exact opposite of everything I was inside the box, but that's kind of a lot of energy-being completely unmessy, uncrazy, untired, unbroken, unworthless...? And besides, isn't a little bit of mess a good thing?
In the immortal words of O'Neill in the Groundhog Day-esque episode of SG-1 (Window of Opportunity oh yeah I'm so hot right now you want me don't you)-I'm taking the next couple of loops off.
Again, things could be worse. Josh and I could actually break up. Instead, mostly I wake him up in the middle of the night and make him kiss me.
Which is what I'm going to do now. And then I'm going to take a fucking nap, even if it's 3am and I should be sleeping for good, and then I'm going to get up, make sure the dogs are good, and take another nap.
You see, I've been pushing myself way too hard and I'm tired of the boom and bust, tired of the rise and fall, tired of the epiphany and the let-down-let's just have some gentle rocking for a bit. I can maybe handle that.
Originally posted at Dreamwidth. Comment there (
), or feel free to comment here.