off the rails
I'm spending the week with my boyfriend and I should be happy but instead all I keep wanting to do is break up with him so I can kill myself. Or because he doesn't "deserve" to be with someone who would put him through the pain of having to have someone that you love be depressed.
I know this shit is temporary* and i know it's not ... I'm not actually going to DO IT, I just want to fucking ... I just want to go back to my stupid little routine, my room in my house where no one bothers me and not think about anyone else, because I'm safe there.
And he could hurt me, he can make me feel like this because I care about him. Granted, I feel like this sometimes anyway, but being hurt by him makes it worse, and it's all in my head and I misinterpret the actions that are going on but it still HURTS, you know. It hurts so bad. He hasn't done anything wrong, I just can't fucking stand the vulnerability.
To the point where I ... can't believe I'm actually considering this, but I want to break up with him if only so I never have to feel this vulnerable again. So my heart doesn't break every time I think he might not want to touch me or when I worry he's upset with me or when he teases me and I can't take a fucking joke because I have fucking third degree burns on my self-esteem.
Went to the psychiatrist on Friday. He recommended that I do ECT.
My other options are amphetamines or antipsychotics.
Welcome to Crazytown: population--me.
[* Note:
Life is fucking temporary too.]
I know this shit is temporary* and i know it's not ... I'm not actually going to DO IT, I just want to fucking ... I just want to go back to my stupid little routine, my room in my house where no one bothers me and not think about anyone else, because I'm safe there.
And he could hurt me, he can make me feel like this because I care about him. Granted, I feel like this sometimes anyway, but being hurt by him makes it worse, and it's all in my head and I misinterpret the actions that are going on but it still HURTS, you know. It hurts so bad. He hasn't done anything wrong, I just can't fucking stand the vulnerability.
To the point where I ... can't believe I'm actually considering this, but I want to break up with him if only so I never have to feel this vulnerable again. So my heart doesn't break every time I think he might not want to touch me or when I worry he's upset with me or when he teases me and I can't take a fucking joke because I have fucking third degree burns on my self-esteem.
Went to the psychiatrist on Friday. He recommended that I do ECT.
My other options are amphetamines or antipsychotics.
Welcome to Crazytown: population--me.
[* Note:
Life is fucking temporary too.]