(no subject)
I guess everythings changed again.
All I can sense is this feeling of regret with everything I do. All I can think about is how many things I've lost, how many things I've gained too.
But mostly the 'glass is half emprty' sort of deal.
I guess I was just meant to be this way. It was all meant to be this way.
It doesn't matter what I do, someone always has to be pissed off, or bitter towards me..or lying, vengeful, two-faced little bitches (regardless of gender or age, I may add).
I don't see how it's okay for everyone else to clearly display thier faults and disgustingly retarded behaviour on a day to day basis but If I seem to step out of some line that some random person in my life decides to unthinkably draw I get shit on to the utmost degree.
It feels like the world doesn't want me to ever have any fun. That's what it feels like. It's silly to say, and really quite fucking 'woe is me goth whore'.
But It's been far too long since I've felt up to par with everyone else's expectations of me.
And the worst part is I care about what they all think. I actually give a shit what the scum think about me.
Because I want to be cared about. In any way shape or form, I guess. It's hard to admitt, but I guess what she said is right. I'd rather have a roomfull of people yelling at me than being completely ignored. Not necessarily that I seek attention from all those with half a functioning brain, but that I grew up with so much yelling right from day 1 to now that I truely have associated arguing with a loving and caring emotion.
bahh councellors words stick in me even after all this time.
It's all I can think about at a time like this, though.
Life is fickle. Sex is becoming more and more meaningless, men keep telling me they don't care but then go ahead and start having all these emotions and get mad at me for making some choice that shouldn't even matter in comparison in the first place.
It blows my mind that people would actually be jelous of someone like me, and the situations I put myself in.
And I'm ignoring people I shouldn't be. Where before it was usually justified, now I'm giving people the boot because it seems almost like common sense. And because I can.
Which, always in the long run makes you second guess your actions, if you're at all a caring individual. Which, as previously stated, I seem to be. Even though lately everyones been calling me the ice queen.
And it alll ttiiiieeesss in togetherrrrrrr.
I can't say what I mean, and I don't mean what I say..but It's only because I'm just as confused as you.
I'm fairly sure that I burnt some very substantial bridges last night. Wouldn't be the first time I've hurt someone I cared about, and in turn ended up hurting myself.
They all tell me it was a good thing to do (they always do).
And I'm just being torn apart, over and over and over again. Making decisions that I don't want to be making, hurting people, making people pleased, saying goodbye...
I can't see this all as progress
How did we come this far?
When we see ourselves as deities
Claiming Nature for ourselves
By our actions we betray
strive to achieve, don't sit in bitter regret.
All I can sense is this feeling of regret with everything I do. All I can think about is how many things I've lost, how many things I've gained too.
But mostly the 'glass is half emprty' sort of deal.
I guess I was just meant to be this way. It was all meant to be this way.
It doesn't matter what I do, someone always has to be pissed off, or bitter towards me..or lying, vengeful, two-faced little bitches (regardless of gender or age, I may add).
I don't see how it's okay for everyone else to clearly display thier faults and disgustingly retarded behaviour on a day to day basis but If I seem to step out of some line that some random person in my life decides to unthinkably draw I get shit on to the utmost degree.
It feels like the world doesn't want me to ever have any fun. That's what it feels like. It's silly to say, and really quite fucking 'woe is me goth whore'.
But It's been far too long since I've felt up to par with everyone else's expectations of me.
And the worst part is I care about what they all think. I actually give a shit what the scum think about me.
Because I want to be cared about. In any way shape or form, I guess. It's hard to admitt, but I guess what she said is right. I'd rather have a roomfull of people yelling at me than being completely ignored. Not necessarily that I seek attention from all those with half a functioning brain, but that I grew up with so much yelling right from day 1 to now that I truely have associated arguing with a loving and caring emotion.
bahh councellors words stick in me even after all this time.
It's all I can think about at a time like this, though.
Life is fickle. Sex is becoming more and more meaningless, men keep telling me they don't care but then go ahead and start having all these emotions and get mad at me for making some choice that shouldn't even matter in comparison in the first place.
It blows my mind that people would actually be jelous of someone like me, and the situations I put myself in.
And I'm ignoring people I shouldn't be. Where before it was usually justified, now I'm giving people the boot because it seems almost like common sense. And because I can.
Which, always in the long run makes you second guess your actions, if you're at all a caring individual. Which, as previously stated, I seem to be. Even though lately everyones been calling me the ice queen.
And it alll ttiiiieeesss in togetherrrrrrr.
I can't say what I mean, and I don't mean what I say..but It's only because I'm just as confused as you.
I'm fairly sure that I burnt some very substantial bridges last night. Wouldn't be the first time I've hurt someone I cared about, and in turn ended up hurting myself.
They all tell me it was a good thing to do (they always do).
And I'm just being torn apart, over and over and over again. Making decisions that I don't want to be making, hurting people, making people pleased, saying goodbye...
I can't see this all as progress
How did we come this far?
When we see ourselves as deities
Claiming Nature for ourselves
By our actions we betray
strive to achieve, don't sit in bitter regret.