The End...
I said it long ago it feels like the beginning of the end... a brief synopsis of yesterday before I get down to it...
At lunch yesterday I went home and drank a quarter of a bottle of vodka I had. Not a lot by my recent standards I guess. I was just uncontrollably sad and I needed to dull the pain. After I drank that I decided I would go for a drive and I drove down Cypress to see how fast I could make it. Sliding around those corners, nearly going over embankments, that kind of shit...I finally went back to work about a half hour late. I talked to Mom for a while and I managed to finish out the day...I went lifting with Siders for the first time in a long time at the High School about 5:30. He didn't have much time; just a little over an hour. I tried deadlifting. It didn't go well, like everything else. I worked up and pulled three hard singles with 500 lbs. That's right, 500 lbs... A month ago I pulled 600 lbs easier than I was pulling those 500. I expected it going in, but I hoped...I guess I hope for a lot anymore...
After dinner I went to Marc's house and hung for the night. Larry had his 37" flat panel monitor/tv there. That thing is just excess as a computer monitor...I ended up watching part of Spiderman 3 on it. I finished the movie, I just really don't remember the ending. Anyway, Em came over after class around 9 pm. She had some homework to do and I looked at her new phone for a minute. She and Kim went out for a little while and got some food and did other things and I finished the movie. When they got back, they really wanted to watch Rent on the big tv, so I didn't mind and Carey didn't so we hooked up the XBOX and watched it. It looked like Em had something on her mind, but I didn't know what and I didn't know if I could ask. By the time the movie was done and everyone was done talking it was 1:30 am so I needed to go home. Emily decided she needed to go too and pretty much followed me out. We looked up at the stars and it almost seemed like she was waiting for me to ask something. I started talking to her, just little things, see how she was doing and the like. I don't really know if she was going to tell me if I didn't start the conversation or not. I told her that I still loved her and that I hope she still loved me. She said she did, but it was different. It was a long, drawn out painful conversation, but she has decided that she didn't want to be with me and that she was going to be on her own. She said that about a week or two ago is when she decided that she didn't love me anymore, that she didn't have to love me anymore. She is so proud of herself standing on her own. I feel that this is a big mistake, and part of her does too, but she is so set on standing strong on her own. I'm just sorry she doesn't realize that she can be with me and stand strong. During most of the conversation, she would look at me. I finally asked her to look at me at the end and the confusing part is that I could still see love in her eyes. No matter what she said to me, it was there. I hope that she just wasn't trying to convince herself that she didn't love me so that she could feel good about leaving me like this. It hurts so bad and I imagine its going to hurt. I just was hoping to die so bad. I still am. I know saying that upset her, but it can't all be about what she wants. I feel like I died on the inside last night. It was another one of those times that I wish I could cry, but it just wouldn't come out. That light that fades from someone's eyes that you can see the moment they die, it felt like that on my insides. That the life inside of me just faded out. I talked to Mom about it when I got home, but it just upset her a lot. She got pissed when I said it didn't seem like she even cared that she was hurting me. She said that's why it took her so long to tell me. Even when she did, I had to clarify with her that she meant she wasn't getting back with me ever. I'm going to assume that she was probably just hoping that the problem would go away on its own. There is no way that she could tell me that and not hurt me and dragging it out was killing me. I'm not sure if I will survive this. I don't know anything anymore. One thing I was sure of was that she loved me like I loved her. She said love dies all the time, but not this. Mine isn't. At least not true love like mine. I can't stand the pain, and no one seems to care. The one person I hoped would care, apparently would rather see me destroyed than spend anymore time with me.
At lunch yesterday I went home and drank a quarter of a bottle of vodka I had. Not a lot by my recent standards I guess. I was just uncontrollably sad and I needed to dull the pain. After I drank that I decided I would go for a drive and I drove down Cypress to see how fast I could make it. Sliding around those corners, nearly going over embankments, that kind of shit...I finally went back to work about a half hour late. I talked to Mom for a while and I managed to finish out the day...I went lifting with Siders for the first time in a long time at the High School about 5:30. He didn't have much time; just a little over an hour. I tried deadlifting. It didn't go well, like everything else. I worked up and pulled three hard singles with 500 lbs. That's right, 500 lbs... A month ago I pulled 600 lbs easier than I was pulling those 500. I expected it going in, but I hoped...I guess I hope for a lot anymore...
After dinner I went to Marc's house and hung for the night. Larry had his 37" flat panel monitor/tv there. That thing is just excess as a computer monitor...I ended up watching part of Spiderman 3 on it. I finished the movie, I just really don't remember the ending. Anyway, Em came over after class around 9 pm. She had some homework to do and I looked at her new phone for a minute. She and Kim went out for a little while and got some food and did other things and I finished the movie. When they got back, they really wanted to watch Rent on the big tv, so I didn't mind and Carey didn't so we hooked up the XBOX and watched it. It looked like Em had something on her mind, but I didn't know what and I didn't know if I could ask. By the time the movie was done and everyone was done talking it was 1:30 am so I needed to go home. Emily decided she needed to go too and pretty much followed me out. We looked up at the stars and it almost seemed like she was waiting for me to ask something. I started talking to her, just little things, see how she was doing and the like. I don't really know if she was going to tell me if I didn't start the conversation or not. I told her that I still loved her and that I hope she still loved me. She said she did, but it was different. It was a long, drawn out painful conversation, but she has decided that she didn't want to be with me and that she was going to be on her own. She said that about a week or two ago is when she decided that she didn't love me anymore, that she didn't have to love me anymore. She is so proud of herself standing on her own. I feel that this is a big mistake, and part of her does too, but she is so set on standing strong on her own. I'm just sorry she doesn't realize that she can be with me and stand strong. During most of the conversation, she would look at me. I finally asked her to look at me at the end and the confusing part is that I could still see love in her eyes. No matter what she said to me, it was there. I hope that she just wasn't trying to convince herself that she didn't love me so that she could feel good about leaving me like this. It hurts so bad and I imagine its going to hurt. I just was hoping to die so bad. I still am. I know saying that upset her, but it can't all be about what she wants. I feel like I died on the inside last night. It was another one of those times that I wish I could cry, but it just wouldn't come out. That light that fades from someone's eyes that you can see the moment they die, it felt like that on my insides. That the life inside of me just faded out. I talked to Mom about it when I got home, but it just upset her a lot. She got pissed when I said it didn't seem like she even cared that she was hurting me. She said that's why it took her so long to tell me. Even when she did, I had to clarify with her that she meant she wasn't getting back with me ever. I'm going to assume that she was probably just hoping that the problem would go away on its own. There is no way that she could tell me that and not hurt me and dragging it out was killing me. I'm not sure if I will survive this. I don't know anything anymore. One thing I was sure of was that she loved me like I loved her. She said love dies all the time, but not this. Mine isn't. At least not true love like mine. I can't stand the pain, and no one seems to care. The one person I hoped would care, apparently would rather see me destroyed than spend anymore time with me.