I don't know...
I don't know what I am going to do. I'm pretty well back on track with my near-suicidal downward spiral, and I don't really want to get off the tracks...I've been looking at jobs on the internet and I'm going to put my name in the hat to replace geologists in the oil fields in the Niger Delta. It pays a lot for beginning because of the hazard. I don't care anymore. Em was the reason I pulled out of this life of destruction, so it's only fitting that she be the reason I go back. I really don't care about the danger at this point. It may be an overused statement by this point, but I can get rich or die trying. Honestly either way works for me right now. I'm lost in a sea of darkness and my light has left me. Some people say they understand how I feel, some have said that I'm taking this too hard. I don't think they seem to understand how much love I had for this girl. I had such a connection that I could practically read her mind.
I've tried distracting myself so I don't think about it. Think about her smile, how beautiful she looks, even when she thinks she is at her ugliest without make-up in the morning. How I love to look so deep into her eyes. The touch, the feel of her soft skin. Her smell. The smell of her hair...Everything about her...I watch movies, I try to sleep (not even close) and I try riding or driving around. It all gives fleeting moments of distraction, of not thinking, but it goes away as quickly as it comes. I've been saying the last couple days it feels like something is dying, and the way I feel now, I think part of me has died. Not a good part either, cause the situation with Emily still hurts. Maybe I could get away if my feelings for her would die, but they just wont. If she decides that she doesn't want to be with me, or that I'm not good enough or whatever happens I don't know what I'm going to do. The feelings won't seem to leave. She said that the pain will dull, but that doesn't seem to be the case. It's been a month and it still hurts. Not as bad as first, but then there are days when it all seems to surge back and it feels like it just happened.
Not many people read this journal before, and I think that livejournal has become more defunct and Myspace is now the trend, I really don't think anyone reads this. That's ok, because I really keep writing here for myself anyway...
I've tried distracting myself so I don't think about it. Think about her smile, how beautiful she looks, even when she thinks she is at her ugliest without make-up in the morning. How I love to look so deep into her eyes. The touch, the feel of her soft skin. Her smell. The smell of her hair...Everything about her...I watch movies, I try to sleep (not even close) and I try riding or driving around. It all gives fleeting moments of distraction, of not thinking, but it goes away as quickly as it comes. I've been saying the last couple days it feels like something is dying, and the way I feel now, I think part of me has died. Not a good part either, cause the situation with Emily still hurts. Maybe I could get away if my feelings for her would die, but they just wont. If she decides that she doesn't want to be with me, or that I'm not good enough or whatever happens I don't know what I'm going to do. The feelings won't seem to leave. She said that the pain will dull, but that doesn't seem to be the case. It's been a month and it still hurts. Not as bad as first, but then there are days when it all seems to surge back and it feels like it just happened.
Not many people read this journal before, and I think that livejournal has become more defunct and Myspace is now the trend, I really don't think anyone reads this. That's ok, because I really keep writing here for myself anyway...