(no subject)
Well, today was just LOVELY. Oh gawd I LOVED TODAY!!! Sarcasm finished for now. I've pretty much been thrown around an emotional roller coaster, without sitting in the seats of it, but still flying along at that speed. Let's see, to start out, the day wasn't bad. I got to school, and everything was fine, I enjoyed Networking... Then the crap started. Chantal and I were sitting around, and she didn't say a lot, and seemed distant. We talked a little, then got kicked out of the Library. Things got worse here. We were talking, and I made a joke about Chantal and Anorexia, and I said it in a joking tone too. No seriousness. I even SAID it was a joke. She was silent, and ignored me until pretty much the ten minute break. Loved that. She then clinged to me like nothing had happened. Until I talked about it. The way things are going, she's trying to bury all our problems, and I'm trying to deal with them. Everything'll come back up and fuck our relationship even worse if things don't get cleared up. After that, I went to CE. Then to lunch. Once I got back from lunch, well, it was another interesting scene. It wasn't bad, but it seemed odd. I'd try and talk to her, and she wouldn't hear me until I talked a few times, and I was interrupted by some guy who sat beside her, and she then ignored me for him. Loved that too. *sighs* Then, after school, I came to her and she said we'd do something tonight, I said cool. I asked if she wanted me to stay for her rehersal, she said I didn't have to and should go. I asked if she WANTED me to stay. But if I press that fact she just gets all annoyed and/or ignores me and stuff. Ugh, it's a yes or no question >.< So I left, talked to other people, and ran into Anthony, and went over to his house and stayed over for supper. It was lots of fun, Anthony's a great friend, and his mother's 'friend with privlidges' was cool too. His mom's cool as well. Anyways, while I was there, I discovered a few secrets. One of which caused a LOT of problems. Chantal had a crush on some people, she didn't tell me, like she had the Rachel thing, and she had tried to hide it FAR TOO HARD. Which really makes me wonder, y'know? When someone can tell you that they like someone extremely easily, where there's not a lot of threat, and then tell you when there is threat, yet can't tell you of other people she gets crushes on, and lets other people know about, and then hides from you. Doesn't it say something? Yea, thought so. Next thing's next, I talked to Kayla, who had revealed that Chantal had been saying things about me to her behind my back. And who she had also told me that Chantal had told her that I've apparently forced, or talked her into things that she doesn't want to do sexually. Well Chantal, if you think that way about those things, maybe telling me would help? Keeping things a secret REALLY doesn't help... As you've seen here. We need to talk to each other about things that bug us. We can't hide from them, otherwise we're just avoiding everything and making our relationship worse. It's hurtful the way things have been going. We need to WORK TOGETHER to make this relationship work. Chantal, I love you, but things can't keep going on like this. We don't SEE each other outside of school anymore... All we do is see each other at school anymore, it feels like we aren't even dating anymore... It feels like... Our relationship is a lost cause. It does feel like that Chantal. And it hurts me badly... It makes me feel awful how every chance we get to do something, it's killed... And every weekend, like this one, you throw something in that makes it so that your days are all taken up by something... I mean... A few weeks is coincidence... Four, five weeks isn't... It's hurting me. We've BARELY seen each other lately... And it hurts... And when you say I never wait for you for your rehersals, well, I offer. It's hurtful how it's seemed that you never have time for me anymore... And when I ask about it, you say "I have a social life other than you, babysitting, and homework. No time for anything else." which hurts... It hurts that you feel like I can be tossed aside because you have no time for me... I've even asked you to leave spaces open for me, but that didn't even work... Chantal, it hurts to go on like this. Our relationship is falling apart. We need to work at it, both of us. You think that I tried to give it all to you? I understand that it probably feels that way... But it's not, I was trying to help you understand that we have to work together... I can't do all the work, you can't do all the work... I've been waiting for you to take the initiative so I can show you that I want to work together... But you haven't taken it yet love... You've just been mad at me because of that. I'm trying to work at our relationship. I love you, if you can't work at it, what's the point in me working at it? I tried for so long, and it seemed that you shot down my attempts... It's hard trying to get you to help me fix our relationship... And it's harder still because so far, you've refused to see that it's broken. If you can't notice that our relationship is becoming completely destroyed. Then what are we to do? If you can't trust me to hear that you have a crush on someone, then what's our relationship worth? You've hidden so much from me, what have I hidden from you? I've tried to work at our relationship by myself, it's just not working, it's not possible for one person to maintain it. With what has happened, I can see that our relationship has been dying for a while now. I don't know what started it. But most of our fighting lately has stemmed since the incident near the dance, where I noticed how our relationship was going... And since then things have gone perpetually downhill. One reason after another for staying away from me over the weekends... It's painful love. Very painful... It feels that you're just.... Not trying anymore... Like you really don't care. And you say that statement killed you? If I feel like that, then what must it make me? The undead maybe, or as dead as you? And I've felt like this for a while... So why do you think I've been trying to work at it? If we can't even talk about it, like it has been (I've tried to talk... It always turns into a fight so I gave up), then things are pathetic between us. Things being this pathetic between us aren't good... Even if I say "We need to talk". It seems like you just ignore it and don't care because you're too busy for me... You're playing a game... And I tell you that we need to talk... And you ignore it... You act like you don't care... That hurt Chantal, a lot. When I say that... I mean that I need to talk to you... What if something really bad's happening and I need to give you a message or something? I mean... When I say that, and you just... Don't do anything to try and contact me... It hurts... Because that makes it feel like you don't care, if I say something like that, usually someone who cares will come and contact me to find out what it is... It seems like you're not trying for us... I... I can't stand it anymore Chantal. I need to know that you care, your words I don't know if I can trust anymore... Not after recent events... I need you to realise that I am here... And not something you can leave alone until you have time for it... You promised you'd try your hardest... And I know how hard you can work at something when you try your hardest... You haven't tried your hardest, that's the truth. And this is the end of my rant.