(no subject)
Well, once again, I've blown everything to all hell. I just fuck everything up. I make everything worse lately... I'm fucking everything up. Why do I have friends? Lately all I do is cause them pain... Why do they still hang around me? I mean... If all I do is cause pain and make things worse. Why would they want to? I keep fucking things up... I dunno if I can take this..
This is something I said in a conversation with someone. It explains a bit of what I'm feeling. "Right now, I'm in a strange depressive state that I don't fully understand, I'm full of sadness, and self anger, all I do lately is hurt others, and it's causing me a lot more pain than it's probably causing others. Even if I tend to show it less. I've begun to insult myself a lot in this self anger and hatred. I locked all of my emotions up for too long, and I'm losing control of myself lately. Probably explaining some of my problems. Yet, there's also the fact that I'm still able to defend myself, but that's going away. I'm basically turning into someone who just says "Yes sir/ma'am". The bitching and 'ganging up' is just starting to drive me away. I'm starting to wonder why you guys are still my friends with all this pain I'm causing. I'm wondering whether I should continue to be your guys' friend, and wondering whether I should stop to save you guys the pain."
And there's more to my feelings, but it's as much as I can think of and can word properly at the moment... So yea, I'm pretty fucked up right now. Every piece of pain I give to someone else, hurts me so badly... And I've been dealing out so much of it lately, that I'm becoming a wreck. I don't deserve friends... I honestly don't... I can't help anyone anymore... My skill at it is dead, just like my spirit and soul seem to be... I can't help myself at all lately. I can't do anything right... I can't... I'm always thought of as angry... People always think of me as angry... Again... The closest people to me... I'll be completely calm... Or very sad... And I'll be taken as angry... It's hurting... Why am I like this? I'm an asshole... Am I really worthy of being friends with anyone? If I'm taken this way by my closest friends... How can everyone else take me... How am I ever supposed to be a 'good' person if I'm so 'angry'?
Maybe I was meant to be a psychotic asshole... Rather than someone full of anger and everything... But striving to help others... To not be so angry... To attempt to help people... I once attained a sense of being able to do that... But that was with my own emotions suppressed to the point where I only called upon them to do my own bidding, to help them let me understand what others felt to an extent to give them good advice... Then I had complete control, I never lost my calm. I was complete ice... Now my emotions come out in a torrent of destruction, destroying all of my ideals, killing my ability to give rational good advice...
Why am I like this? Why do I strive to be good, yet hold all capacaties for complete evil and psychotic destruction... I could make or break this world apparently... I feel the power within my hands... I know what I'm doing, I learn from everything. I know how to avoid detection in all ways for many things. Yet, I strive to be good. I have friends that know what they're doing... I know people all over the world... Something tells me I could take the world if I put my mind, heart, and soul into it. Yet to what point? I wouldn't be a good ruler. Well, that would be decided by how I would be... I could destroy everything... To what goal would I do that either... I've once stated that I am perfect neutrality. Yet, it seems more and more true each day. I strive to be good, and I hold the ability to do the greatest of good, and the worst of evil. Yet, I do the evil without wanting, or knowing I'm doing it.
People fall in love with me without my knowledge, people like me without my knowledge, and I hurt them until they finally tell me. Or I find out. It happens a lot... I know so many people who are like that, that it's kind of diturbing really... I once hurt one of my greatest friends and made her block and attempt to stay away from me for a few months... I came in contact with her a short while ago again, and it was only because she wanted news of a friend, but she still talks to me now. Apparently she still fears talking to me too much, and she still has feelings for me. She's attempting to break off from me still. I caused her so much pain without knowing it... She wouldn't tell me how much she liked me until I basically forced it out of her... There are so many other friends that I've hurt like this... I have another good friend that fell for me, her best friend likes me too. Yet I'm with someone else, but still, they fought over me until they found out I was with someone. It hurt both of them, yet I thought I had told them I was with someone. Guess I hadn't, another way I fucked things over... I screw so much up...
My friend's trying to cheer me up right now. But I'm fucking that over... I'm taking it too seriously, and I'm stating all the flaws in what she's saying... She's talking about an insider joke and attempting to explain it to me. Whoa, I made a joke about what she said. That's a bit of improvement... But it's sick humour, apparently I'm too sexual and sick minded too. Another one of my many flaws... I have so many... What am I worth? Honestly... I'm so confused right now... I'm listening to Iced Earth... The songs are so depressing... I'm gonna listen to Blind Guardian now... After this song... "Stand Alone" It's like what I feel right now... Alone... Ganged up on... Even though right now, I know I'm not. But it's how I've felt lately...
Whee, I was sent an insanely sexual picture by my friend... <.< It was made for her by another friend... Interesting. Two naked people! Go naked people... <.< And I'm too sick minded and sexual?!... I don't even look at porn -_-' *sigh*
I went to get a drink upstairs just now. And it took all of my effort not to grab one of my parents beer. I know they either wouldn't notice or just wouldn't care if I drank one. They don't mind me occasionally drinking. But I know if I had taken one, it would have turned into a few. Instead, I settled for what was left of the coke. I wish they wouldn't hide the fucking coke. I barely ever drink it, yet I wanted a good big glass so badly. It's better than beer is it not to you people... *sighs* I'm so fucked up right now... If you read what I write, I sound so goddamn insane. I should be locked up... I woudln't hurt anyone then...
Blind Guardian - Blood on my Hands... I wonder why they're lost in time... I wonder why my strength is lost to time... I'm so screwed up lately... I know so many people who get like this... And then cut themselves. Why? I went through a phase where I wanted to die. Yet why hurt yourself? If you're gonna do that... Why not go all the way, are you stupid? Just make it so that your body's scarred or if you're smart enough go just deep enough so that it doesn't scar, yet you're still hurting yourself. WHY!? I don't get it! You cause yourself pain to get rid of your emotional stress. But your emotional stress is STILL THERE once the pain's gone! So you're left with a bunch of lost blood, and a weakened feeling, and you're back where you were to begin with, but only worse off. You've hurt yourself and anyone who cares about you that finds out. Yet they can't stop you, because you become addicted! Once you're addicted, you're FUCKED unless you seek professional help. I'm no professional, I can help to a point, but I sure as hell can't help you with that. And I don't get it. Doesn't the feeling of weakness after losing all that goddamn blood just make everything worse in the end?! Come ON! THINK ABOUT IT! Half your stress after you've begun cutting yourself probably COMES from the weakness that COMES from cutting. "Oh, I won't get addicted!" BULLSHIT I find it SO stupid when people say that. It's like Marijuana, or tobacco, or alcohol. Or any OTHER drug for that matter. You ALWAYS get addicted if you do it enough.
Last time a friend came to me, I was ready to pass out from tiredness, so I basically shoved them off for a short while... The next day, I found out they had hurt themselves... I felt like shit. She showed me what she did to herself, and just seeing it hurt me. I know so many people who hurt themselves... And every time I hear or see it... It just rips through me, because I can't stop it. There's nothing I can do... I hear about all sorts of things. But what can I really do? I can talk, but that's it... And even that's becoming worse. I'm never online anymore. People who came to rely on me don't see me much anymore... Maybe that's a good thing, because lately I probably couldn't even help them with talking...
I am such an asshole, I don't even pay my online friends much attention anymore... I just hurt, hurt, and hurt...
My friend went to bed now, and I'm looking at everyone who's online. I don't talk to any of them much. Everyone I know on this list I used to talk to a lot more. Except for maybe one or two. So I wonder. How many of them care about me, or even really know me? Then, I realise, I don't know myself well enough to say anything. Lately, I don't know myself at all. I'm just some guy that stands around and watches what he does through eyes distant and clouded.
I'm now working on a strange way to keep control of my temper... It's difficult to do. And it involves a strange form of a meditation, or mind clearing technique. It's different for each who must learn it though. Each must find their own path to walk it... And I won't teach or explain something I haven't mastered or don't know a lot about... Let alone something I barely know... So it's staying secret... For now...
The fate of us all... Lies deep in the dark... When time stands still(etc.). Blind Guardian still covers most of my music... Gasp, I changed it now... Ewww, Perfect Dark remixes... I hate the soundtracks for shooting games. They only work well in the games. But while playing the games they're great. Too bad I don't play the game anymore. *deletes* Evil thing. Whee, now listening to DDR - Super Girl by Smile.dk. Interesting song, very hyper. But very repedative. Annoyingly so when you're in my mood... Gah this rant is getting stupid...
I'm still wondering about everything. And I'm afraid that I'm an 'emotionally abusive' boyfriend... If I am, I really don't want to continue the relationship like that... Because I don't want to be the cause of that much pain, or some kind of controlling asshole or something... Does worrying about it make it so that it isn't so? Someone once said that to me... But I don't think it's true. It just makes it so that you're afraid of what you're doing, if you're doing it... Or something... It also gives you the chance to be better though, right? I don't know at all... It's a strange thing. What if I'm just fooling myself into thinking I can be helped? Oh well... If things continue, I'll protect her by leaving her. Because I care for her, more than anything, yet I hate hurting her, and I want to stop. But stopping is harder than it seems... Because I don't even know how I'm hurting her until later, and stopping what's hurting her is difficult. I don't know... How and why do I do this? What can I do to stop? So complicated.
Oh, this is just FUCKING GREAT. My father took away the internet, YET AGAIN. And joyfully, this is in the MIDDLE of my post. My friend wanted to read this when he got up, but thanks to that fucking moron, it's not gonna happen. And he doesn't even talk to me or explain it, he just growls and does it, then walks upstairs, such a great man he is. He wants work out of us, yet he'll take away all sorts of crap just because he wants to. Granted, it's 3:30am. But he's NOT going to get his work if he keeps this bullshit up. I'm tired of being in the middle of something when suddenly, just because my dad feels like it, my internet's gone. He works us an hour a day. Vey fair, if you ask me. Yet one day, just because he wanted me to work more than my hour, and he expected me to, without even consulting me beforehand, he presumed I would. I REALLY didn't want to. I said so, and what did he do? TAKE AWAY THE INTERNET. Because I didn't want to work more than my hour that day. Real smooth father, real smooth. You don't get your way so you act like a child. Very mature of you. Then he FINALLY gives it back at 7:00pm. Four hours later, it's gone. I was in the MIDDLE of PLANNING something. You asshole, and you take it away?! Real nice dickhead, real nice. It's only 11:00, and you want us to go to bed so we'll work the next day, so you take it away. I don't think any good commanders or anything would do something like that. "Hmmm, I want you to go fight for me, get some rest, oh, and by the way, I'm taking away your nightly entertainment, because it may keep you up." The logic of it is. If you keep your people happy, they'll work harder for you. If you piss them off, they won't work shit all for you, and they'll probably walk out on you when you need it most. This crap, is just lowering the 'workcrew moral', which will make us work a LOT less for our time. And he'll bitch about that, but y'know what? He's acting like an asshole, so why work hard for him? I've attempted to explain it to him. But he doesn't understand, because he's an idiot. He's no leader. He's a tyrant. He thinks that he has to exert force and power over us to make us do anything. Idiot, if we try to talk to him and he doesn't like what we say, or if it hits a little too close to home, and it hits a nerve that he doesn't like talked about. He'll attack physically. He's not too bright. He attacked my brother because he wanted to WET his HAIR a little before he left, they spent MORE TIME fighting about it, than it would have just to let him do it. And since he did it when my father said not to, my father had to attack him to show who was 'boss' and who's 'dominant'. Woo, real macho need there. Maybe that's where I get it from. My dad's need to be 'better' and 'dominant'. Fucking asshole, I hate it about him, yet apparently I have it to an extent. Hope I don't give it to my children if I'm stuck with it. Maybe it'd be better if I didn't have children? Dunno... Honestly, I dunno. Fucking testosterone.
Holy hell that was a LONG paragraph. Damn this is a long rant... Very long. I don't know whether I've written one longer. Maybe I have, I'll have to check sometime? The only one that could compare is that one about my problems with my girlfriend a long while back. When I ranted in there for a LONG time. And got into a fight with her over that rant. It seems my girlfriend and I fight over everything lately... I'm causing problems among my group of friends. And problems between my girlfriend and I. It's so painful to cause all of these problems, as I've said previously, I'm probably repeating myself right now... But it's the truth. I've cried over it lately. I've cried so often lately. Before I started crying within the last few months. I hadn't cried since August of last year. Heh, around my birthday. Actually, a lot of my fights and stuff, and all the crap, happen around my birthday. My birthday presents a lot of the time, are pain and annoyance. Last year, I got dumped for some other guy just a week after my birthday, I also was completely ignored on my birthday except for two friends, both online. I also had to pay for my 'birthday call' from my online girlfriend at the time. How joyful was that? I remember weird things at weird times. And I topic jump a lot... I love my birthday, it's always such a painful time of year. The year before last year, I was dragged camping right after I had found out that a girl actually had liked me IRL. Damn that isn't something that happens often. When I got back, it was a week to my birthday. She hated and insulted me now, t'was quite wonderful. And she hated me because of a certain 'ex best friend'. Fucking RJ.
Oh, SPEAKING of RJ. Him and his best friend are saying I was seen kissing some guy. I have a fucking GIRLFRIEND people! I'm not going to ruin that by cheating on her with some guy. Yes, I _AM_ bisexual. That doesn't mean I'm going to cheat! Morons. Oh how I love that. And apparently all of RJ's friends are leaving him because of me. Riiiiiiiight. I don't hang out with him, associate with him, or even TALK to him anymore. I hate him. End of story. And that just pisses me off. Wonder how many people in town know I'm bisexual by now. Probably all the stoners he's ever hung out with. Fucking idiot RJ is. And his friends, if you're gonna spread tales of me. How about making them more believable. RJ KNOWS my views on cheating. So does anyone who REALLY knows me. I HATE it. I'd die before doing it. I fucked up once under stress, and was seduced. But I'm not stupid enough to fuck up again. So, die and burn in hell Ron, or RJ as you like to be called. I'm tired of your bullshit. You piss me off more than anyone can.
Speaking of those who piss me off. I'm going to have to make a small rant on my girlfriend's mother. If you're reading this Chan, you might wanna skip this paragraph. Anyways, onwards. Chan's mother PISSES ME OFF! Oh hell does she ever. First she won't let Chan go to Saskatoon, then she won't let her out, then she attempts to ground her the next day from going out. All because she went out when she got back. Hello bitch, you got your time with her, you wanted more obviously, but you expect what you want to be more important to her than what she feels. I know you've got her best at heart, but understand, FRIENDS KEEP KIDS STABLE WHEN THEY FEAR THEIR PARENTS AND CANNOT TALK TO THEM. YOUR DAUGHTER CAN NOT TALK TO YOU. YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND HER! YOU FREAK OUT AT ANYTHING! I was told a tale of your exploits on religion. Yes, I know those of you who read this and know her will say "Yea, we've all heard about it". Oh, but this is something that boggles even my mind. Her mother states that she'll accept whatever religion her daughter decides to be. Yet, when she wanted to be a Roman Catholic, instead of whatever her mother wanted, her mother freaked out on her! Oh, VERY NICE. You're SO 'accepting'. Bullshit. I hate people like that "Oh, I'm accepting, I'll accept whatever you want to be." says a parent, until their child decides they don't want to be the religion that they're raised in. Her mother attempts to control her life, and it sickens me sometimes. I don't know, I can't stand some of the things she does. It annoys the hell out of me...
Mainly because I'm a man who loves freedom, and needs it. I can't be kept in any sort of cage or I'll rip through it or break out in one way or another. In a relationship, I'm caged, yet I find my freedom in caring for and helping any who I can who I'm close to even if the person I'm with doesn't like what I'm doing at times. This won't be anything sexual, but it could be a massage or something like that. Just something that shows that yes I care, and I will do things like this. Even if she doesn't like it, because it's just how I am. That's not to say I'll do it JUST because I want my freedom. It just means I CAN even if who I'm with doesn't like it at all, and I won't feel bad about it. It's my need for some sort of freedom that allows me to do it against the other's will. I need freedoms. I hate rules that are stupid, I hate rules that are enforced by the letter rather than the spirit or what it's made for. I _WILL_ fight for what I find right. I'm strongly opinionated... And sometimes... I feel really bad because of it. It's how I am, it's part of me. Yet apparently it's bad, and my friends don't like it... It makes me feel quite shitty that they can't accept my opinionated nature. They try to change it, but I won't let that be changed... It's too close to something I hold dear. You hear that! I will NOT change my opinionated nature. If you can't accept it, then I don't really see how you can really think you're much of a friend. It's myself, you don't like it, fine, live with it and accept it as part of me. If you can't... Then I'll leave you be. There are certain things that I will admit I should change about myself. But there's no way I will change something I believe in so strongly. I will try to control my emotions, yes, but overall, I won't change the man beneath the emotions. That's me, not something that I should change just because you don't like it. And I'm tired of you people telling me to change it. I won't, fuck off, it's me, I'm not here to be molded in the way you want me to be molded, I'm here to live my life as who I am. And be my own self, live my own life, not be turned into a fucking puppet.
Geez, I didn't even notice how much people trying to change who I am had actually annoyed me until now. I've been getting told to 'change my opinionated self' for a long time, and I just really haven't said or thought much about it until now, while writing this. I've heard it quite a few times. Yes, it may get me into some trouble. And it may accidentally cause some problems for others too. But I apologise for that, and move on. It's myself, accept it people. Or tell me you don't want to be my friend. Those are your two choices. Because if you can't accept who I am, then why are you my friend? You aren't, if you can't accept me, flaws, and all. I will try to work on my emotional control and shortcomings there. But other than that. I'm sticking as myself. Alright? Alright. Good.
You guys almost had me ready to change just about everything about myself. I can't believe you guys actually tried this. Come on people. You've been weakening me slowly, emotionally and mentally. Now that I've actually found what's going on, I can defend myself a bit better. And my strength is coming back just a bit. Maybe this'll help me control my emotions too. But jebus, you guys and your bitching at me about the fact that I'm opinionated, and saying it's such a bad thing and all that shit. Making it out like it's really something bad. Well, I don't think it is. I like that part of me. I know you may not, but to hell with it, it's PART of me. And you guys tried MOLDING me. That is not something I'm happy about, but oh well. Everyone tries to do something like that. I probably have done it too, so there shall be no fight or war about this, just stop please? It's STAYING. Tell me if I try to do it too, and I'll stop, I know it's not something that's fun to have done to you. Someone trying to mold your personal self isn't good.
Oh, this is interesting, I'm adding something new to this. This is at 12:30pm the day after this rant was originally written, or the same day, depending upon how you put things. I just talked to my dad, and we got into an argument. Oh how I love how my father avoids the true subject and throws it into other things. I started bitching at him about how he's just pissing us off and making us want to work less for him, and he turned it to respect. Fucking idiot. I have no respect for that bastard. He wants to know what I've done to earn his respect? Well, let's see, anything I attempt to do he shoots down, gotta love that. I can't do anything right for him, so I don't even care, we will stay on terms of which we have no respect for each other. Ever since I've been little, if I ever get proud of doing anything, he's shot it down. So much fun, fucking loser. Now, why don't I respect him you ask? Well, first of all, there's the fact that I don't freely give respect until it's earnt, except for the little that I'll give someone I don't know until they show who they are. Then there's the fact that he breaks almost every promise he makes. He lies all the time, and will attempt to cover it up. If he's EVER losing an argument with one of his children, he'll turn it physical. He's cheated on my mother with some online bitch from Ultima Online. No, it wasn't just an 'in game' relationship, it was a full out online relationship, complete with picture sending, and cybersex. How do I know this? Listening to the fights for hours and hours on end between them. I don't trust him, at all. I hate his guts, he's an asshole. And I'm TIRED of him, and his idiocy. You can't talk to him, yet he'll try to MAKE you talk to him. Oh, and did I mention how he thinks he understands and knows you when he's never even talked to you much? He'll do it, and he'll make assumptions about how you feel and what you'll say and do. Yet they'll all be wrong.
Now for my mother, she's not bad, but she doesn't stand up for herself or anything. She's weak and tired, tired of everything she goes through. We fight often enough, my mother and I. It's mainly over religious beliefs, or other random things. She's never made a true attempt at bonding with me or finding out anything about me. And she's kinda like my dad here, she'll make assumptions of how I'm feeling, and what I'm going to say/think/do, without really knowing me. Though hers is a bit more annoying. Her first attempt at actually getting to know me, was trying to get to know Chantal and I as a couple. Interesting, and they wonder why I tend to keep things from them and keep them out of my life. With all of this bullshit, it's kind of hard to even talk to them. Mother doesn't know me, and she doesn't try to know me. And ALL she DOES is sit around, read, do some occasional house cleaning. Occasionally she helps with work outside, she's helped me a lot lately, and for that I'm thankful. But other than that, nothing. And she'll whine and bitch if you ask her for anything as simple as a ride.
I had something I wanted to add to one of those two paragraphs, but I forget what it was now. I forgot it while typing. It's kind of annoying really. But oh well, I can deal, I've gotten most everything out. Now I'm going to have to deal with my father. Joyful occasion, I get to deal with an asshole. Oh how much fun this will be. And just think, I wouldn't have gotten this out if it hadn't been for my father keeping the internet away yet again. Oh, wait, I forgot, this wouldn't have been brought up if not for his idiocy. And this ends my three added paragraphs. Damn I've typed a lot.
I think I'll pull this to a close. This has been another one of Chris' get EVERYTHING out LONG ASS rants. Thanks for reading this far if you have. Damn, can't I ever write anything happy? XD Oh well. I needed to get this out :) And it's out. I'm gonna have to save this until I can post it tomorrow whenever. Fucking father. Oh well, g'night all. I'm going to bed at 5:00am. Muwahahaha, and I have to work tomorrow. Holy hell I ranted for about three and a half, maybe for or four and a half hours. Damn it takes a lot to get these out. I really needed this though, I think.
- Christophski the 83rd. A very depressed, sad, tired, and apparently angry man. Yet regaining his strength, and may be coming back to his normal self soon. Hopefully.
This is something I said in a conversation with someone. It explains a bit of what I'm feeling. "Right now, I'm in a strange depressive state that I don't fully understand, I'm full of sadness, and self anger, all I do lately is hurt others, and it's causing me a lot more pain than it's probably causing others. Even if I tend to show it less. I've begun to insult myself a lot in this self anger and hatred. I locked all of my emotions up for too long, and I'm losing control of myself lately. Probably explaining some of my problems. Yet, there's also the fact that I'm still able to defend myself, but that's going away. I'm basically turning into someone who just says "Yes sir/ma'am". The bitching and 'ganging up' is just starting to drive me away. I'm starting to wonder why you guys are still my friends with all this pain I'm causing. I'm wondering whether I should continue to be your guys' friend, and wondering whether I should stop to save you guys the pain."
And there's more to my feelings, but it's as much as I can think of and can word properly at the moment... So yea, I'm pretty fucked up right now. Every piece of pain I give to someone else, hurts me so badly... And I've been dealing out so much of it lately, that I'm becoming a wreck. I don't deserve friends... I honestly don't... I can't help anyone anymore... My skill at it is dead, just like my spirit and soul seem to be... I can't help myself at all lately. I can't do anything right... I can't... I'm always thought of as angry... People always think of me as angry... Again... The closest people to me... I'll be completely calm... Or very sad... And I'll be taken as angry... It's hurting... Why am I like this? I'm an asshole... Am I really worthy of being friends with anyone? If I'm taken this way by my closest friends... How can everyone else take me... How am I ever supposed to be a 'good' person if I'm so 'angry'?
Maybe I was meant to be a psychotic asshole... Rather than someone full of anger and everything... But striving to help others... To not be so angry... To attempt to help people... I once attained a sense of being able to do that... But that was with my own emotions suppressed to the point where I only called upon them to do my own bidding, to help them let me understand what others felt to an extent to give them good advice... Then I had complete control, I never lost my calm. I was complete ice... Now my emotions come out in a torrent of destruction, destroying all of my ideals, killing my ability to give rational good advice...
Why am I like this? Why do I strive to be good, yet hold all capacaties for complete evil and psychotic destruction... I could make or break this world apparently... I feel the power within my hands... I know what I'm doing, I learn from everything. I know how to avoid detection in all ways for many things. Yet, I strive to be good. I have friends that know what they're doing... I know people all over the world... Something tells me I could take the world if I put my mind, heart, and soul into it. Yet to what point? I wouldn't be a good ruler. Well, that would be decided by how I would be... I could destroy everything... To what goal would I do that either... I've once stated that I am perfect neutrality. Yet, it seems more and more true each day. I strive to be good, and I hold the ability to do the greatest of good, and the worst of evil. Yet, I do the evil without wanting, or knowing I'm doing it.
People fall in love with me without my knowledge, people like me without my knowledge, and I hurt them until they finally tell me. Or I find out. It happens a lot... I know so many people who are like that, that it's kind of diturbing really... I once hurt one of my greatest friends and made her block and attempt to stay away from me for a few months... I came in contact with her a short while ago again, and it was only because she wanted news of a friend, but she still talks to me now. Apparently she still fears talking to me too much, and she still has feelings for me. She's attempting to break off from me still. I caused her so much pain without knowing it... She wouldn't tell me how much she liked me until I basically forced it out of her... There are so many other friends that I've hurt like this... I have another good friend that fell for me, her best friend likes me too. Yet I'm with someone else, but still, they fought over me until they found out I was with someone. It hurt both of them, yet I thought I had told them I was with someone. Guess I hadn't, another way I fucked things over... I screw so much up...
My friend's trying to cheer me up right now. But I'm fucking that over... I'm taking it too seriously, and I'm stating all the flaws in what she's saying... She's talking about an insider joke and attempting to explain it to me. Whoa, I made a joke about what she said. That's a bit of improvement... But it's sick humour, apparently I'm too sexual and sick minded too. Another one of my many flaws... I have so many... What am I worth? Honestly... I'm so confused right now... I'm listening to Iced Earth... The songs are so depressing... I'm gonna listen to Blind Guardian now... After this song... "Stand Alone" It's like what I feel right now... Alone... Ganged up on... Even though right now, I know I'm not. But it's how I've felt lately...
Whee, I was sent an insanely sexual picture by my friend... <.< It was made for her by another friend... Interesting. Two naked people! Go naked people... <.< And I'm too sick minded and sexual?!... I don't even look at porn -_-' *sigh*
I went to get a drink upstairs just now. And it took all of my effort not to grab one of my parents beer. I know they either wouldn't notice or just wouldn't care if I drank one. They don't mind me occasionally drinking. But I know if I had taken one, it would have turned into a few. Instead, I settled for what was left of the coke. I wish they wouldn't hide the fucking coke. I barely ever drink it, yet I wanted a good big glass so badly. It's better than beer is it not to you people... *sighs* I'm so fucked up right now... If you read what I write, I sound so goddamn insane. I should be locked up... I woudln't hurt anyone then...
Blind Guardian - Blood on my Hands... I wonder why they're lost in time... I wonder why my strength is lost to time... I'm so screwed up lately... I know so many people who get like this... And then cut themselves. Why? I went through a phase where I wanted to die. Yet why hurt yourself? If you're gonna do that... Why not go all the way, are you stupid? Just make it so that your body's scarred or if you're smart enough go just deep enough so that it doesn't scar, yet you're still hurting yourself. WHY!? I don't get it! You cause yourself pain to get rid of your emotional stress. But your emotional stress is STILL THERE once the pain's gone! So you're left with a bunch of lost blood, and a weakened feeling, and you're back where you were to begin with, but only worse off. You've hurt yourself and anyone who cares about you that finds out. Yet they can't stop you, because you become addicted! Once you're addicted, you're FUCKED unless you seek professional help. I'm no professional, I can help to a point, but I sure as hell can't help you with that. And I don't get it. Doesn't the feeling of weakness after losing all that goddamn blood just make everything worse in the end?! Come ON! THINK ABOUT IT! Half your stress after you've begun cutting yourself probably COMES from the weakness that COMES from cutting. "Oh, I won't get addicted!" BULLSHIT I find it SO stupid when people say that. It's like Marijuana, or tobacco, or alcohol. Or any OTHER drug for that matter. You ALWAYS get addicted if you do it enough.
Last time a friend came to me, I was ready to pass out from tiredness, so I basically shoved them off for a short while... The next day, I found out they had hurt themselves... I felt like shit. She showed me what she did to herself, and just seeing it hurt me. I know so many people who hurt themselves... And every time I hear or see it... It just rips through me, because I can't stop it. There's nothing I can do... I hear about all sorts of things. But what can I really do? I can talk, but that's it... And even that's becoming worse. I'm never online anymore. People who came to rely on me don't see me much anymore... Maybe that's a good thing, because lately I probably couldn't even help them with talking...
I am such an asshole, I don't even pay my online friends much attention anymore... I just hurt, hurt, and hurt...
My friend went to bed now, and I'm looking at everyone who's online. I don't talk to any of them much. Everyone I know on this list I used to talk to a lot more. Except for maybe one or two. So I wonder. How many of them care about me, or even really know me? Then, I realise, I don't know myself well enough to say anything. Lately, I don't know myself at all. I'm just some guy that stands around and watches what he does through eyes distant and clouded.
I'm now working on a strange way to keep control of my temper... It's difficult to do. And it involves a strange form of a meditation, or mind clearing technique. It's different for each who must learn it though. Each must find their own path to walk it... And I won't teach or explain something I haven't mastered or don't know a lot about... Let alone something I barely know... So it's staying secret... For now...
The fate of us all... Lies deep in the dark... When time stands still(etc.). Blind Guardian still covers most of my music... Gasp, I changed it now... Ewww, Perfect Dark remixes... I hate the soundtracks for shooting games. They only work well in the games. But while playing the games they're great. Too bad I don't play the game anymore. *deletes* Evil thing. Whee, now listening to DDR - Super Girl by Smile.dk. Interesting song, very hyper. But very repedative. Annoyingly so when you're in my mood... Gah this rant is getting stupid...
I'm still wondering about everything. And I'm afraid that I'm an 'emotionally abusive' boyfriend... If I am, I really don't want to continue the relationship like that... Because I don't want to be the cause of that much pain, or some kind of controlling asshole or something... Does worrying about it make it so that it isn't so? Someone once said that to me... But I don't think it's true. It just makes it so that you're afraid of what you're doing, if you're doing it... Or something... It also gives you the chance to be better though, right? I don't know at all... It's a strange thing. What if I'm just fooling myself into thinking I can be helped? Oh well... If things continue, I'll protect her by leaving her. Because I care for her, more than anything, yet I hate hurting her, and I want to stop. But stopping is harder than it seems... Because I don't even know how I'm hurting her until later, and stopping what's hurting her is difficult. I don't know... How and why do I do this? What can I do to stop? So complicated.
Oh, this is just FUCKING GREAT. My father took away the internet, YET AGAIN. And joyfully, this is in the MIDDLE of my post. My friend wanted to read this when he got up, but thanks to that fucking moron, it's not gonna happen. And he doesn't even talk to me or explain it, he just growls and does it, then walks upstairs, such a great man he is. He wants work out of us, yet he'll take away all sorts of crap just because he wants to. Granted, it's 3:30am. But he's NOT going to get his work if he keeps this bullshit up. I'm tired of being in the middle of something when suddenly, just because my dad feels like it, my internet's gone. He works us an hour a day. Vey fair, if you ask me. Yet one day, just because he wanted me to work more than my hour, and he expected me to, without even consulting me beforehand, he presumed I would. I REALLY didn't want to. I said so, and what did he do? TAKE AWAY THE INTERNET. Because I didn't want to work more than my hour that day. Real smooth father, real smooth. You don't get your way so you act like a child. Very mature of you. Then he FINALLY gives it back at 7:00pm. Four hours later, it's gone. I was in the MIDDLE of PLANNING something. You asshole, and you take it away?! Real nice dickhead, real nice. It's only 11:00, and you want us to go to bed so we'll work the next day, so you take it away. I don't think any good commanders or anything would do something like that. "Hmmm, I want you to go fight for me, get some rest, oh, and by the way, I'm taking away your nightly entertainment, because it may keep you up." The logic of it is. If you keep your people happy, they'll work harder for you. If you piss them off, they won't work shit all for you, and they'll probably walk out on you when you need it most. This crap, is just lowering the 'workcrew moral', which will make us work a LOT less for our time. And he'll bitch about that, but y'know what? He's acting like an asshole, so why work hard for him? I've attempted to explain it to him. But he doesn't understand, because he's an idiot. He's no leader. He's a tyrant. He thinks that he has to exert force and power over us to make us do anything. Idiot, if we try to talk to him and he doesn't like what we say, or if it hits a little too close to home, and it hits a nerve that he doesn't like talked about. He'll attack physically. He's not too bright. He attacked my brother because he wanted to WET his HAIR a little before he left, they spent MORE TIME fighting about it, than it would have just to let him do it. And since he did it when my father said not to, my father had to attack him to show who was 'boss' and who's 'dominant'. Woo, real macho need there. Maybe that's where I get it from. My dad's need to be 'better' and 'dominant'. Fucking asshole, I hate it about him, yet apparently I have it to an extent. Hope I don't give it to my children if I'm stuck with it. Maybe it'd be better if I didn't have children? Dunno... Honestly, I dunno. Fucking testosterone.
Holy hell that was a LONG paragraph. Damn this is a long rant... Very long. I don't know whether I've written one longer. Maybe I have, I'll have to check sometime? The only one that could compare is that one about my problems with my girlfriend a long while back. When I ranted in there for a LONG time. And got into a fight with her over that rant. It seems my girlfriend and I fight over everything lately... I'm causing problems among my group of friends. And problems between my girlfriend and I. It's so painful to cause all of these problems, as I've said previously, I'm probably repeating myself right now... But it's the truth. I've cried over it lately. I've cried so often lately. Before I started crying within the last few months. I hadn't cried since August of last year. Heh, around my birthday. Actually, a lot of my fights and stuff, and all the crap, happen around my birthday. My birthday presents a lot of the time, are pain and annoyance. Last year, I got dumped for some other guy just a week after my birthday, I also was completely ignored on my birthday except for two friends, both online. I also had to pay for my 'birthday call' from my online girlfriend at the time. How joyful was that? I remember weird things at weird times. And I topic jump a lot... I love my birthday, it's always such a painful time of year. The year before last year, I was dragged camping right after I had found out that a girl actually had liked me IRL. Damn that isn't something that happens often. When I got back, it was a week to my birthday. She hated and insulted me now, t'was quite wonderful. And she hated me because of a certain 'ex best friend'. Fucking RJ.
Oh, SPEAKING of RJ. Him and his best friend are saying I was seen kissing some guy. I have a fucking GIRLFRIEND people! I'm not going to ruin that by cheating on her with some guy. Yes, I _AM_ bisexual. That doesn't mean I'm going to cheat! Morons. Oh how I love that. And apparently all of RJ's friends are leaving him because of me. Riiiiiiiight. I don't hang out with him, associate with him, or even TALK to him anymore. I hate him. End of story. And that just pisses me off. Wonder how many people in town know I'm bisexual by now. Probably all the stoners he's ever hung out with. Fucking idiot RJ is. And his friends, if you're gonna spread tales of me. How about making them more believable. RJ KNOWS my views on cheating. So does anyone who REALLY knows me. I HATE it. I'd die before doing it. I fucked up once under stress, and was seduced. But I'm not stupid enough to fuck up again. So, die and burn in hell Ron, or RJ as you like to be called. I'm tired of your bullshit. You piss me off more than anyone can.
Speaking of those who piss me off. I'm going to have to make a small rant on my girlfriend's mother. If you're reading this Chan, you might wanna skip this paragraph. Anyways, onwards. Chan's mother PISSES ME OFF! Oh hell does she ever. First she won't let Chan go to Saskatoon, then she won't let her out, then she attempts to ground her the next day from going out. All because she went out when she got back. Hello bitch, you got your time with her, you wanted more obviously, but you expect what you want to be more important to her than what she feels. I know you've got her best at heart, but understand, FRIENDS KEEP KIDS STABLE WHEN THEY FEAR THEIR PARENTS AND CANNOT TALK TO THEM. YOUR DAUGHTER CAN NOT TALK TO YOU. YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND HER! YOU FREAK OUT AT ANYTHING! I was told a tale of your exploits on religion. Yes, I know those of you who read this and know her will say "Yea, we've all heard about it". Oh, but this is something that boggles even my mind. Her mother states that she'll accept whatever religion her daughter decides to be. Yet, when she wanted to be a Roman Catholic, instead of whatever her mother wanted, her mother freaked out on her! Oh, VERY NICE. You're SO 'accepting'. Bullshit. I hate people like that "Oh, I'm accepting, I'll accept whatever you want to be." says a parent, until their child decides they don't want to be the religion that they're raised in. Her mother attempts to control her life, and it sickens me sometimes. I don't know, I can't stand some of the things she does. It annoys the hell out of me...
Mainly because I'm a man who loves freedom, and needs it. I can't be kept in any sort of cage or I'll rip through it or break out in one way or another. In a relationship, I'm caged, yet I find my freedom in caring for and helping any who I can who I'm close to even if the person I'm with doesn't like what I'm doing at times. This won't be anything sexual, but it could be a massage or something like that. Just something that shows that yes I care, and I will do things like this. Even if she doesn't like it, because it's just how I am. That's not to say I'll do it JUST because I want my freedom. It just means I CAN even if who I'm with doesn't like it at all, and I won't feel bad about it. It's my need for some sort of freedom that allows me to do it against the other's will. I need freedoms. I hate rules that are stupid, I hate rules that are enforced by the letter rather than the spirit or what it's made for. I _WILL_ fight for what I find right. I'm strongly opinionated... And sometimes... I feel really bad because of it. It's how I am, it's part of me. Yet apparently it's bad, and my friends don't like it... It makes me feel quite shitty that they can't accept my opinionated nature. They try to change it, but I won't let that be changed... It's too close to something I hold dear. You hear that! I will NOT change my opinionated nature. If you can't accept it, then I don't really see how you can really think you're much of a friend. It's myself, you don't like it, fine, live with it and accept it as part of me. If you can't... Then I'll leave you be. There are certain things that I will admit I should change about myself. But there's no way I will change something I believe in so strongly. I will try to control my emotions, yes, but overall, I won't change the man beneath the emotions. That's me, not something that I should change just because you don't like it. And I'm tired of you people telling me to change it. I won't, fuck off, it's me, I'm not here to be molded in the way you want me to be molded, I'm here to live my life as who I am. And be my own self, live my own life, not be turned into a fucking puppet.
Geez, I didn't even notice how much people trying to change who I am had actually annoyed me until now. I've been getting told to 'change my opinionated self' for a long time, and I just really haven't said or thought much about it until now, while writing this. I've heard it quite a few times. Yes, it may get me into some trouble. And it may accidentally cause some problems for others too. But I apologise for that, and move on. It's myself, accept it people. Or tell me you don't want to be my friend. Those are your two choices. Because if you can't accept who I am, then why are you my friend? You aren't, if you can't accept me, flaws, and all. I will try to work on my emotional control and shortcomings there. But other than that. I'm sticking as myself. Alright? Alright. Good.
You guys almost had me ready to change just about everything about myself. I can't believe you guys actually tried this. Come on people. You've been weakening me slowly, emotionally and mentally. Now that I've actually found what's going on, I can defend myself a bit better. And my strength is coming back just a bit. Maybe this'll help me control my emotions too. But jebus, you guys and your bitching at me about the fact that I'm opinionated, and saying it's such a bad thing and all that shit. Making it out like it's really something bad. Well, I don't think it is. I like that part of me. I know you may not, but to hell with it, it's PART of me. And you guys tried MOLDING me. That is not something I'm happy about, but oh well. Everyone tries to do something like that. I probably have done it too, so there shall be no fight or war about this, just stop please? It's STAYING. Tell me if I try to do it too, and I'll stop, I know it's not something that's fun to have done to you. Someone trying to mold your personal self isn't good.
Oh, this is interesting, I'm adding something new to this. This is at 12:30pm the day after this rant was originally written, or the same day, depending upon how you put things. I just talked to my dad, and we got into an argument. Oh how I love how my father avoids the true subject and throws it into other things. I started bitching at him about how he's just pissing us off and making us want to work less for him, and he turned it to respect. Fucking idiot. I have no respect for that bastard. He wants to know what I've done to earn his respect? Well, let's see, anything I attempt to do he shoots down, gotta love that. I can't do anything right for him, so I don't even care, we will stay on terms of which we have no respect for each other. Ever since I've been little, if I ever get proud of doing anything, he's shot it down. So much fun, fucking loser. Now, why don't I respect him you ask? Well, first of all, there's the fact that I don't freely give respect until it's earnt, except for the little that I'll give someone I don't know until they show who they are. Then there's the fact that he breaks almost every promise he makes. He lies all the time, and will attempt to cover it up. If he's EVER losing an argument with one of his children, he'll turn it physical. He's cheated on my mother with some online bitch from Ultima Online. No, it wasn't just an 'in game' relationship, it was a full out online relationship, complete with picture sending, and cybersex. How do I know this? Listening to the fights for hours and hours on end between them. I don't trust him, at all. I hate his guts, he's an asshole. And I'm TIRED of him, and his idiocy. You can't talk to him, yet he'll try to MAKE you talk to him. Oh, and did I mention how he thinks he understands and knows you when he's never even talked to you much? He'll do it, and he'll make assumptions about how you feel and what you'll say and do. Yet they'll all be wrong.
Now for my mother, she's not bad, but she doesn't stand up for herself or anything. She's weak and tired, tired of everything she goes through. We fight often enough, my mother and I. It's mainly over religious beliefs, or other random things. She's never made a true attempt at bonding with me or finding out anything about me. And she's kinda like my dad here, she'll make assumptions of how I'm feeling, and what I'm going to say/think/do, without really knowing me. Though hers is a bit more annoying. Her first attempt at actually getting to know me, was trying to get to know Chantal and I as a couple. Interesting, and they wonder why I tend to keep things from them and keep them out of my life. With all of this bullshit, it's kind of hard to even talk to them. Mother doesn't know me, and she doesn't try to know me. And ALL she DOES is sit around, read, do some occasional house cleaning. Occasionally she helps with work outside, she's helped me a lot lately, and for that I'm thankful. But other than that, nothing. And she'll whine and bitch if you ask her for anything as simple as a ride.
I had something I wanted to add to one of those two paragraphs, but I forget what it was now. I forgot it while typing. It's kind of annoying really. But oh well, I can deal, I've gotten most everything out. Now I'm going to have to deal with my father. Joyful occasion, I get to deal with an asshole. Oh how much fun this will be. And just think, I wouldn't have gotten this out if it hadn't been for my father keeping the internet away yet again. Oh, wait, I forgot, this wouldn't have been brought up if not for his idiocy. And this ends my three added paragraphs. Damn I've typed a lot.
I think I'll pull this to a close. This has been another one of Chris' get EVERYTHING out LONG ASS rants. Thanks for reading this far if you have. Damn, can't I ever write anything happy? XD Oh well. I needed to get this out :) And it's out. I'm gonna have to save this until I can post it tomorrow whenever. Fucking father. Oh well, g'night all. I'm going to bed at 5:00am. Muwahahaha, and I have to work tomorrow. Holy hell I ranted for about three and a half, maybe for or four and a half hours. Damn it takes a lot to get these out. I really needed this though, I think.
- Christophski the 83rd. A very depressed, sad, tired, and apparently angry man. Yet regaining his strength, and may be coming back to his normal self soon. Hopefully.