Sensual Red Lights- fan fiction- gazette/ alice nine/ d'espairsray-7/?
Title: Sensual Red Lights
author: Me..? Sarcasm_chan
warning: well, ...yaoi and vulgar language sometimes... english is not my mother-tongue..not beta-read
pairings: ShouxHiroto( One-sided) , SagaxShou, ToraxHiroto , UruhaxReita, Reitax?, RukixUruha (one-sided), Aoix?
disclaimers: unfortunately, their manager didn't want to sell them to me ;_; the meanie wants them for his own use -_-; so, i don't own them....
rating: - dunno NC17 is a bit overdone I think???
genre: manxman (a lot), drama
Summary:
Uruha is a porn-star in the yaoi scene, his biggest rival is Ruki.
previous: ( 01 )( 02 )( 03 )( 04 )( 05 )( 06 )
7
I came home, and all her stuff was already packed. I saw her sitting on the couch, she looked up as I entered, a watery smile on her face.
Then she sighed.
I knew she was going to leave…
”You still don’t have the money eh?” She asked softly.
I silently shook my head.
”…Are you…Leaving?” I asked.
She slowly nodded. “I…I am truly sorry. Really! But…it just can’t continue like this…I never know where you are, I hardly ever see you, and…I know you are working yourself into trouble. With the money I mean.
I know money isn’t everything…And it also isn’t only because of that! I just can’t continue like this.”
”…So where are you going to then?” I asked, it seemed so unreal, though I saw it coming.
”Back to my friend’s place, my room is still empty so I can come back…”
She sighed. “I’ve decided…You don’t have to pay me back.”
”…Why not? I can pay you back! I will pay you back!”
”No, no I don’t want you to. You need the money harder than I do. Use it. I’ll be alright, I still have some money, and I can always ask my parents…”
”Are you sure?”
”More than sure.” Then she stood up, walked over to me, and kissed my cheek. “Thank you for one of the best times of my life…But it’s just not meant this way.”
I nod. I know she is right.
”Bye.” She softly said, and I heard how the door closed behind her.
Like I said, I expected it…But still.
It hurts; I’ll be alone in this again. I won’t have her support anymore. I’ll miss her, I know I will…
But it’s better this way, I know she is right.
And my love for her was fading away anyway, and so was her love for me. We became more like…brother and sister than lovers. It’s ok this way.
I guess I’ll be alright very soon. I have bigger sorrows on my mind…
I drop myself on the couch and turn on my TV, it’s late at night. I zap through the channels, and then I see it.
I saw myself.
My own back. My own body.
Fucking another guy.
I turn the TV off as fast as I can, my eyes are wide open.
I feel sick.
Very, very sick.
And the view doesn’t leave my retina. Before I can even think about walking to the bathroom, I feel how the vomit came up.
The prove of my disgust. Of myself.
”So, you came home, and everything seemed normal?” The officer asks.
”Yes.”
”And you’ve been at his” the officer looks at Shou. “place to have dinner, like you do quite often?”
”Yes.” Uruha answers.
”Do you do that frequently? Is there a certain pattern in your visits to Shou?”
”Eh, not that I am aware of?” Uruha says insecure, and he looks at Shou.
He shakes his head. “No, not really. Just every now and then.”
”Hmm…” The officer says. “And this wasn’t the first time that something like this happened?”
”No. It happened once before.” Shou answers.
”I think Uruha is capable of answering himself, Shou, thank you.” The officer, a friend of Shou, grins.
It was only because Shou knew him Uruha agreed with calling the police. The officer is from Karyu’s age, his name is Tsukasa, and he promised to help Uruha, but not to make such a big deal out of it, that’s why he came alone.
”And you are sure that it was the same person?”
Uruha nods. “Very sure. It was the same wine and the note was very alike.”
”Can you show me both? The note and the wine, from the last time?” Tsukasa asks.
”Eh…The note I burnt.” Uruha mumbles.
”Ah…Well next time, don’t burn it ok? It’s evidence. But the wine you still have?”
”Yes, somewhere…” Uruha stands up and walks to his kitchen, seeking through some stuff, then comes back with the bottle.
Tsukasa put on some gloves and takes it over. “And nobody apart from you touched this?”
”Well and the person who gave it to me…Or maybe my house-keeper. She used to sometimes secretly drink from my alcohol.”
Tsukasa grins. “I see. Well…have you ever been stalked before?”
”Apart from Shou?” Uruha grins.
”Apart from Shou.” Tsukasa agrees.
”OI!” Shou shouts indignant.
”Well not really,” Uruha shrugs. “Not that I was aware of.”
”Is there a reason you can think of for being stalked? I mean, do you have a job that makes contact with a lot of people?”
Uruha looks uncomfortable. “Eh…well no contact, but…”
”What is your job then?”
”Eh…” Uruha mumbles.
”He’s an actor.” Shou says fast.
”An actor?” Tsukasa pulls up his eyebrows. “That explains a lot. Do those notes have anything to do with parts you’ve ever played?”
”No not really.” Uruha mumbles.
”Hm. And there’s nothing at those notes that could be a clue to who wrote them?”
”No, well…Yes. One thing.”
”Tell me.”
”The writer calls me Thunderthigh. The only ones, who do that, are the ones who work in the scene and have worked with me. First only my manager did so, but it seems the nickname leaked, but I don’t think that watchers of my movies know the name or can know it.” Uruha says slowly.
”Hm…And is there any of those people you would suspect?”
If Tsukasa found the pseudonym Thunderthigh weird, he does not make it seem like he does.
Uruha seems to hesitate, Shou stays silent.
“…No. No not really.”
”Okay! Well that was everything, make sure you’ll get a new lock on your door, further, and just call when something happens. If you think you need protection, please call too.” Tsukasa shakes hands with Uruha, and leaves.
Saga came back from his walk, he took longer then he intended to. While walking home, he passes the building Uruha lives again. This was the place where he bumped into Aoi. What was he doing here?
’Well, it’s none of my business…Maybe his girlfriend lives here, or his mother. Don’t be so paranoid Saga!’ Saga thinks.
But then he notices the police-car parked in front of the door, and he sees how an officer gets out of the building and gets into the car.
Saga looks up to the building, behind a window at the third floor; he sees how Shou and Uruha watch the officer leave.
’This,’ Saga thinks. ‘Is all very coincidental…’
Shou stares after the car, and sighs. “Everything ok?” he asks to Uruha.
Uruha silently nods. “Yeah, I am fine…Thanks for your help Shou.”
”No problem, Tsukasa is a nice guy that does not ask too much questions, he’ll handle the case. He’ll find the one who’s behind it.” Shou smiles.
Uruha nods again. “Well…I’ll go inside again. You’re coming?”
But Shou suddenly noticed the blonde man standing on the pavement. He looks up at the building, it even seems like he’s staring at the window Shou’s standing behind.
That man seems familiar. Very, familiar.
’Saga!’ Shou thinks shocked. ‘But…That is very coincidental…’
“Ah! FINALLY!” Nao says relieved as Saga opens the door of their apartment. “I was worried! You said you wouldn’t take that long, but you’ve been gone for more than two hours!”
”Nao, you’re not my mother.” Saga says annoyed.
”Eh no, but to talk about her, she called.”
”Great.” Saga groans and he lets himself drop on the couch.
”…You’re sitting in my pizza leftovers from yesterday.”
”AH FUCK!” Saga shouts, he jumps up, and he punches into a pillow.
Nao looks scared at him. “Calm down! The stings will go out with just a bit of soap…”
”That’s not it Nao!” Saga shouts.
”Then what is it?” Nao asks worried.
”NOTHING! Just- Just-” Saga sighs, and puts his hands in front of his face; he rubs his eyes and his cheekbones. “I am just tired Nao…”
”Tired?”
”Yes!”
”You? Tired? Saga, you’re a night-animal. You’re like…an owl! But then one that can even handle it during the day! You only sleep 2 hours a night and that’s more than enough for you!”
”WELL, TODAY IT’S NOT, OK?!” Saga shouts. “I am off to bed!”
”Saga, if there’s a problem you can also just tal-“
”I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT! THERE’S NOTHING! HE MEANS NOTHING TO ME!”
And Saga storms away and shuts the door of his bedroom; Nao hears how he turns his key around.
’Who means nothing to you?’ Nao thinks.
“I have some shootings today Uru.”
”Oh okay, me too. Shall we go together then?” Uruha grins.
Shou stayed at his place this night, on the couch. To make sure Uruha would be alright.
Shou smiles. “People are really starting to think we’re a serious couple.”
”Let them think so.” Uruha laughs. “We both know it is not true. I have my own crush, and you have several even!”
”Several?” Shou pulls up his eyebrows.
”Yeah! Squirrel,-“
”But that doesn’t count! We’re just friends now, he has a boyfriend!”
”Saga-“
”Same for Saga! Ok, he doesn’t have a boyfriend but-“
”Tsukasa.”
”WHAT?! Oh please! Tsukasa is like, not my type at all!” Shou shouts indignant.
Uruha laughs again. “I know, I know. I was just kidding. But the first two are true Shou. Admit it.”
”I admitted it already! Though both aren’t what you can call potential boyfriends.”
”Hm, I don’t know. Maybe Saga is.”
”No.” Shou says decisive.
”Why not?” Uruha asks surprised. “That he really wanted to have contact with you again is actually very typical.”
”He’s not interested. Not in me.” Shou answers.
Uruha seems perplexed. What does Shou mean? In whom should Saga be interested?
It is clear that guy doesn’t really know what he wants from Shou, and maybe Uruha is wrong and he does only want to be friends. But still…Interested he is. They only don’t know in what way.
“So,” Aoi grins as Uruha enters the studio. “Ready for the results?”
”The way you say it make it sounds as if this is my final exam from high school.” Uruha grins.
”Well, you can call it just as important.” Aoi blinks. “So where’s our little Gnome? He may not miss this.”
”Probably looking for his own reflection in his mirror.” Uruha grins. “The mirror is quite big, so he often loses himself in it.”
”Well, ha, ha, ha.” A voice says from behind Uruha. “Really Uruha. Hilarious.”
Ruki just walked in and now faces the two taller rivals.
”Hm, well his joke is better than yours. Or are you being serious with that outfit?” Aoi grins.
Uruha laughs.
Ruki seems furious. “I believe your hairspray damaged your brains, Aoi. Not that there was much to damage.”
”Yeah, inside my head, an artic breeze blows, but that makes me at least cooler than you, Ruki.” Aoi responds, he doesn’t grin anymore.
Uruha looks from one actor till the other. They really seem like…Hating each other. Ruki is almost as mean to Aoi as he is to Uruha. Maybe even meaner.
”And did blondy have a nice night?” Ruki asks then, with a grin on his face.
Uruha looks perplexed. “Why do you ask?” he asks suspicious. What is that remark suppose to mean? What does Ruki know?
”Just to make sure there weren’t any sorrows bothering you.”
”What sorrows should bother him? He isn’t the one that needs a staircase to climb into his bed.” Aoi defends Uruha.
Ruki grumbles something, and then walks away to his manager.
”Thank you.” Uruha says to Aoi, though he sounds a bit cool. “But I can deal that dwarf on my own. You shouldn’t-“
”Ah, he just annoys the shit out of me.” Aoi shrugs. “And besides, he isn’t good enough to be your opponent. Not to be mine either. We’re just…more skilled than he is.” He adds a small smile; “Though he thinks he is better than we are.”
”Yes, his ego blows out of his head, but to say that he is a bad actor, no.” Uruha shrugs.
”Well,” Aoi smiles. “That I would not have expected. You actually fell for his tricks.”
”What do you mean?!” Uruha asks surprised.
”I mean, with his talking about how great he is, people start believing it. But if you look behind the talking and his cute face, you’ll notice that he’s not really that good. He is not bad, but not good enough to beat us. You’ll see.”
”Why are you,” Uruha asks slowly. “That evil to him and quite…kind to me? We’re rivals too.”
”Yes,” Aoi nods. “We are. But the difference is: We are on the same level. You and I. I respect you, and to be honest: I find you quite a cool person. I like you. I think we can have a nice time working together.” Aoi blinks again and smirks. “You have this…Air, that I like.”
Uruha blinks with his eyes a few times; not really knowing what to say. And he might be very wrong, or is Aoi now actually… flirting with him?
”Anyway, let’s hope for the right parts. I am sure Kai thought of something. And now, I need an espresso.” Aoi grins; he blinks one last time at Uruha, and walks away.
Shou said goodbye to Uruha when he went to his studio to hear what part he’ll play in the movie, Karyu already knew but he didn’t want to tell it. It was a surprise, he said.
That practically means Uruha has the head-part. Otherwise Karyu would never act like that.
Shou sighs; he has to do some photo-shootings today.
Recently, he was getting tired of this work. His model-career ended up in a way he did not really intend, he never intended to become a model anyway, but some impresario offered him the chance, and at that time Shou dreamt of a glamorous life.
Well, now he still is a model, but a different kind. It just went bad with business, Shou started to lose money, he quit school too early and his parents were too angry at him.
Then some photographer offered him a huge number of money for posing naked, and one thing lead to the other…
Though, if it wouldn’t have happened, Shou would have ended up broke and homeless, without friends.
Now he has money and a nice apartment. And Uruha is actually the best friend he ever had. And of course, he wouldn’t have met Saga or Hiroto if he wouldn’t have done it.
Though…not knowing Hiroto doesn’t seem that bad. And Saga…
Shou sighs. He keeps on popping up in his minds again.
’I guess…I still am in love with him. Or maybe again…’ Shou thinks. But what he saw yesterday evening across Uruha’s apartment…He can’t forget it.
It’s too coincidental! First the wine and the notes to Uruha, then Saga comes back into Shou’s life, then another note…
’Could Saga be…?
NO! No he would never… He came back for me, not for Uruha.’ Shou thinks. But though…If he really is Uruha’s stalker, he would never come to Uruha that directly. Actually, contacting Shou again would be the smartest idea…
’I would do so too if I were him.’ Shou thinks. ‘he also looked really shocked when Uruha entered my apartment, not really happy he saw him there…He was too scared Uruha would suspect something of course, you get really paranoid from doing such things as stalking someone…But would Saga really stalk Uruha?’
It hurts to imagine he would, Shou feels it inside. But it really is too coincidental.
’I will talk to Saga,’ Shou promises himself. ‘Maybe he can show me everything is okay, maybe I am seeing ghosts…’
”I want to speak you all one on one. Face to face.” Kai smiles. “I’ll motivate my decisions, I’ll tell why, and I’ll give pointers, advices! It can take a while. I want you to use the back-entrance while leaving ok? Good! Aoi, you first! Uruha, Ruki, wait outside with your crew if you brought them.”
Uruha sits down in the corridor, he looks at Ruki from the corners of his eyes.
Ruki is looking at him, with a look in his eyes Uruha can’t explain.
His behaviour is so weird, he acts so…suspicious. Like he has something in his mind Uruha may not find out.
’Could it be him? I thought it before. Just to scare me, so I’ll be out of my part? So I’ll achieve under my maximum? So he can beat me? The writer said “You still didn’t beat me” does that mean Ruki has the head-part and that’s what this all was about? Or…Does he have other motives?’
Uruha is confused, but Ruki’s behaviour, his remarks, they fit.
’my first intention was Ruki,’ Uruha thinks. ‘But is that a trustable intention? What if I am completely wrong? In fact Ruki isn’t behaving that different than usual, and he never did something like writing notes to me before…but we never had such a huge movie, and we never had to play with each other…’
Then Uruha notices Zero staring from Ruki till Uruha. There’s this…worried look in Zero’s eyes.
’Zero knows something…’ Uruha thinks as he sees that.
Then Uruha suddenly sees Him.
He sits at the end of the corridor, meters away from Ruki and Zero.
His arms crossed, his face looks grumpy, and he doesn’t look at any of the three other persons in the corridor.
Uruha wonders…Should he go to Him?
Why not? He never acted shy, and he is tired of Zero and Ruki staring at him.
Some distraction would be nice, and since there’s nobody else to talk to…It would be weirder if Uruha would start talking to Ruki than to his stand-in.
So Uruha stands up and sits down in front of Him.
I feel Ruki’s eyes burning as I see Uruha walking over to me, though…I am not scared, and a part of me wants him to come closer.
Fuck Ruki. I did not ask him to come to me, he decided himself.
It is time for Ruki to accept that you can’t force someone to love you.
And what is with this guy that’s so special and different?
What’s it…that makes him attractive? It is weird. Cause I am disgusted by his kind. All those men are the same; All of them.
He sits down in front of me, he grins, but doesn’t speak.
Weird, I did expect him to…
He looks at me through his hair that falls in his face, his eyes look teasing. As if he wants to say: “I am sitting in front of you, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”
”What do you want?” He asks softly to Uruha. “I am not going to turn around for you again!”
Uruha smiles. “No, no you don’t have to. I was just escaping those two.” Uruha nods with his head into the direction of Ruki and Zero, and He seems to grin, though he tries to hide it.
”Then you could also sit down somewhere else.” He says.
”Yes, I could. But that I avoid those two doesn’t mean I avoid all human-beings.” Uruha grins.
”I also never thought you avoid human-beings,” He says, his voice sounds bitter. “Otherwise you would have chosen for another job, don’t you think so?” It wasn’t a question.
Uruha pulls up his eyebrows. “I didn’t choose this.”
I don’t answer. Of course he chose it; otherwise he wouldn’t have come that far.
The door at the other side opens, Kai calls for Ruki. He and Zero leave. Now I am left alone with him, because I am not coming with Zero and Ruki. I could have, it wouldn’t have been weird, but…
A part of me wanted to stay with Uruha.
”So,” Uruha talks on a normal volume now. “You really seem to be disgusted by us eh?”
”Yes.” He answers.
”Why?”
”I think you don’t have self-respect for doing this. For being proud of this.”
”You think so? But isn’t it better to be proud of what you’re doing than being ashamed of it? I find that more self-respectful than running away from what you are.”
”But in fact, you are all whores. With the difference that Whores don’t chose for their jobs most of the time, with whores, I have compassion. But you guys choose for being paid to get laid every day again and again, and that even makes it sound more beautiful than it is!” He says decisive.
”Hm, well I can’t say you’re wrong for saying we don’t differ much from whores. But I disagree with you when you say we all chose for this.” Uruha says.
”Of course you chose for it! Otherwise you wouldn’t come this far in this scene!”
Uruha just shakes his head. “Then how did you get in? In fact, you made the choice too. You agreed with it. I know your face and name won’t be showed, but you are fucking people for money too. But you are ashamed of it.”
I am perplexed, I open and shut my mouth, but I can’t think of the right words.
He smiles. “See? You know I have a point.”
”NO!” I shout. “That was different! I had no choice! I needed it, otherwise I would have died!” the words were out before I noticed. “I need the money!”
He looks at me, a bit compassionate, probably cause of that “otherwise I would have died” but about that he doesn’t ask.
”You needed the money. There you’ve said the crucial sentence.” He sighs.
”What do you mean?” I ask.
Uruha smiles sadly. “Well, of course you are right, there are those who volunteered to become like this. To sell their body for amusement for others.”
”The way you say it makes it sound acceptable.” He grumbles.
”But,” Uruha continues. “There are those like you. Who just needed the money, who couldn’t say no. There are more of those, believe me.”
”…And,” He slowly asks. “To what group do you belong?”
Again Uruha sighs. “I belong to the second group. When I finished my school I got addicted to gambling, and made a huge death to my old friends. I was desperate to find money; I would do anything to find money. I was losing everything I had, my family, my friends, and my home.
Then, when I was near a breakdown in a café, a man came to me. Since I was really drunk, the things he said seemed okay.
He said he never saw a man as beautiful as I was, he said he would make me famous.
I have dreamt of being an actor since I was very little, and I thought this guy would help me.
In some way, he did. But not the kind of movies I intended.
That man wanted money so he could promote me and pay for that, I needed to give him a lot of money.
He lied. He put half of the money in his own pocket, but he did bring me into the lowest classes of the movie-world.
That’s how I ended up here, cause the man left with my last bit of money, while I only played one part, which did bring up some money but he got 80% of it, with that he left, the other 20% was just enough to pay my death, but now I didn’t have a manager anymore and nobody offered me parts, apart from some posing, naked. I saw what it would bring up, and…I did it in my despair. With those shootings, Karyu found me.
He listened to my story, and offered me a contract, I didn’t really want to, but Karyu is trustable, and he said that it was too late for me to head back.
And he was right.”
I listened to his story, and my mouth almost fell open. That I did not expect…It was comparable with mine…
”B-But…How come you couldn’t go back?” I ask.
He shakes his head. “Because I did several shootings, my name was known already, since I seemed to be good. I got into the next “level” without noticing. As soon as that happens, the door outside falls close. Plus; I didn’t have any buffers left. My family didn’t want to talk to me, my friends also didn’t. I was alone and broke. The door just closed.”
”…But I heard rumours you’ll get out of this soon?” I softly ask.
He smiles.
”Yes. Maybe I will. You see, there are two options for escaping this. Only two.
One: you get out before it’s too late. And it is too late very fast.
Two: You get that important or famous, that you build up possibilities outside this scene. That’s why most try to climb up.
Though, those who become successful, most of the time drown in their success, and think “well, it’s okay this way, I’ve done this for such a long time now, and I can live with it.” Those stay in the scene. Also cause that second option is very difficult to reach.”
I swallow. He told me stuff…that gives another view to this world. I am still disgusted from it…But not all of these men are as horrible as I thought.
”…So…There’s no other option for getting out?”
Uruha slowly shakes his head. “Though…Well, maybe but that’s most of the time what goes wrong in the beginning.
If you keep contact with your old life, you know, your old friends, your family…Then maybe you can get out. Though you’re most of the time contracted too, so you can’t just quite eh?”
I swallow. What I was afraid for, he just confirmed: It is also too late for me. Because my old friends hate me now, I only owe them money and they’re all angry at me.
My family, well I owe them money too, my sister already broke with me, my parents are never happy to see me…I also hardly ever do.
My girlfriend just left…
There’s nobody out there that could help me.
Uruha seems to guess my thoughts, or at least, he notices I am worried.
”…I wish I could help you.” He says friendly to me.
”Well, there’s nothing you can do.”
”I know. But I wish I could…What did you actually do to end up here?”
I shake my head.
”You don’t want to tell me?”
”Sorry, no…” I try to smile.
”Doesn’t matter.” He answers, he still sounds so friendly. “I can imagine. I don’t get why I told you my story either, but I am happy I did.”
I look up. “Why?”
”Because it seems it changed your view on me.” He smiles.
He is right. He is so right.
I already knew he was special, but now I know he just is different from all those others. I know now what makes him different. At least, partial.
Because he still has that something…That makes me want to know him better. To…Be with him.
I trust this guy for some reason.
I like him.
And I don’t know why. Because liking him, is a very dangerous thing for me to do. Because even being closer to him than 5 meters, makes Ruki furious.
But I do understand what makes Ruki feel attracted to this man.
He has something.
Not that I’ll ever fall in love with him. No Way.
Then the door opens again, and Kai’s head sneaks through the opening, he looks around, searching Uruha.
”Ah! Uru-kun, you’re coming?”
He stands up and smiles at me for the last time today. “It was a nice talk though.”
I nod slowly.
”But I wonder…What is your name?”
And before I know what I am doing…The word left my lips:
”Reita.”
author: Me..? Sarcasm_chan
warning: well, ...yaoi and vulgar language sometimes... english is not my mother-tongue..not beta-read
pairings: ShouxHiroto( One-sided) , SagaxShou, ToraxHiroto , UruhaxReita, Reitax?, RukixUruha (one-sided), Aoix?
disclaimers: unfortunately, their manager didn't want to sell them to me ;_; the meanie wants them for his own use -_-; so, i don't own them....
rating: - dunno NC17 is a bit overdone I think???
genre: manxman (a lot), drama
Summary:
Uruha is a porn-star in the yaoi scene, his biggest rival is Ruki.
previous: ( 01 )( 02 )( 03 )( 04 )( 05 )( 06 )
7
I came home, and all her stuff was already packed. I saw her sitting on the couch, she looked up as I entered, a watery smile on her face.
Then she sighed.
I knew she was going to leave…
”You still don’t have the money eh?” She asked softly.
I silently shook my head.
”…Are you…Leaving?” I asked.
She slowly nodded. “I…I am truly sorry. Really! But…it just can’t continue like this…I never know where you are, I hardly ever see you, and…I know you are working yourself into trouble. With the money I mean.
I know money isn’t everything…And it also isn’t only because of that! I just can’t continue like this.”
”…So where are you going to then?” I asked, it seemed so unreal, though I saw it coming.
”Back to my friend’s place, my room is still empty so I can come back…”
She sighed. “I’ve decided…You don’t have to pay me back.”
”…Why not? I can pay you back! I will pay you back!”
”No, no I don’t want you to. You need the money harder than I do. Use it. I’ll be alright, I still have some money, and I can always ask my parents…”
”Are you sure?”
”More than sure.” Then she stood up, walked over to me, and kissed my cheek. “Thank you for one of the best times of my life…But it’s just not meant this way.”
I nod. I know she is right.
”Bye.” She softly said, and I heard how the door closed behind her.
Like I said, I expected it…But still.
It hurts; I’ll be alone in this again. I won’t have her support anymore. I’ll miss her, I know I will…
But it’s better this way, I know she is right.
And my love for her was fading away anyway, and so was her love for me. We became more like…brother and sister than lovers. It’s ok this way.
I guess I’ll be alright very soon. I have bigger sorrows on my mind…
I drop myself on the couch and turn on my TV, it’s late at night. I zap through the channels, and then I see it.
I saw myself.
My own back. My own body.
Fucking another guy.
I turn the TV off as fast as I can, my eyes are wide open.
I feel sick.
Very, very sick.
And the view doesn’t leave my retina. Before I can even think about walking to the bathroom, I feel how the vomit came up.
The prove of my disgust. Of myself.
”So, you came home, and everything seemed normal?” The officer asks.
”Yes.”
”And you’ve been at his” the officer looks at Shou. “place to have dinner, like you do quite often?”
”Yes.” Uruha answers.
”Do you do that frequently? Is there a certain pattern in your visits to Shou?”
”Eh, not that I am aware of?” Uruha says insecure, and he looks at Shou.
He shakes his head. “No, not really. Just every now and then.”
”Hmm…” The officer says. “And this wasn’t the first time that something like this happened?”
”No. It happened once before.” Shou answers.
”I think Uruha is capable of answering himself, Shou, thank you.” The officer, a friend of Shou, grins.
It was only because Shou knew him Uruha agreed with calling the police. The officer is from Karyu’s age, his name is Tsukasa, and he promised to help Uruha, but not to make such a big deal out of it, that’s why he came alone.
”And you are sure that it was the same person?”
Uruha nods. “Very sure. It was the same wine and the note was very alike.”
”Can you show me both? The note and the wine, from the last time?” Tsukasa asks.
”Eh…The note I burnt.” Uruha mumbles.
”Ah…Well next time, don’t burn it ok? It’s evidence. But the wine you still have?”
”Yes, somewhere…” Uruha stands up and walks to his kitchen, seeking through some stuff, then comes back with the bottle.
Tsukasa put on some gloves and takes it over. “And nobody apart from you touched this?”
”Well and the person who gave it to me…Or maybe my house-keeper. She used to sometimes secretly drink from my alcohol.”
Tsukasa grins. “I see. Well…have you ever been stalked before?”
”Apart from Shou?” Uruha grins.
”Apart from Shou.” Tsukasa agrees.
”OI!” Shou shouts indignant.
”Well not really,” Uruha shrugs. “Not that I was aware of.”
”Is there a reason you can think of for being stalked? I mean, do you have a job that makes contact with a lot of people?”
Uruha looks uncomfortable. “Eh…well no contact, but…”
”What is your job then?”
”Eh…” Uruha mumbles.
”He’s an actor.” Shou says fast.
”An actor?” Tsukasa pulls up his eyebrows. “That explains a lot. Do those notes have anything to do with parts you’ve ever played?”
”No not really.” Uruha mumbles.
”Hm. And there’s nothing at those notes that could be a clue to who wrote them?”
”No, well…Yes. One thing.”
”Tell me.”
”The writer calls me Thunderthigh. The only ones, who do that, are the ones who work in the scene and have worked with me. First only my manager did so, but it seems the nickname leaked, but I don’t think that watchers of my movies know the name or can know it.” Uruha says slowly.
”Hm…And is there any of those people you would suspect?”
If Tsukasa found the pseudonym Thunderthigh weird, he does not make it seem like he does.
Uruha seems to hesitate, Shou stays silent.
“…No. No not really.”
”Okay! Well that was everything, make sure you’ll get a new lock on your door, further, and just call when something happens. If you think you need protection, please call too.” Tsukasa shakes hands with Uruha, and leaves.
Saga came back from his walk, he took longer then he intended to. While walking home, he passes the building Uruha lives again. This was the place where he bumped into Aoi. What was he doing here?
’Well, it’s none of my business…Maybe his girlfriend lives here, or his mother. Don’t be so paranoid Saga!’ Saga thinks.
But then he notices the police-car parked in front of the door, and he sees how an officer gets out of the building and gets into the car.
Saga looks up to the building, behind a window at the third floor; he sees how Shou and Uruha watch the officer leave.
’This,’ Saga thinks. ‘Is all very coincidental…’
Shou stares after the car, and sighs. “Everything ok?” he asks to Uruha.
Uruha silently nods. “Yeah, I am fine…Thanks for your help Shou.”
”No problem, Tsukasa is a nice guy that does not ask too much questions, he’ll handle the case. He’ll find the one who’s behind it.” Shou smiles.
Uruha nods again. “Well…I’ll go inside again. You’re coming?”
But Shou suddenly noticed the blonde man standing on the pavement. He looks up at the building, it even seems like he’s staring at the window Shou’s standing behind.
That man seems familiar. Very, familiar.
’Saga!’ Shou thinks shocked. ‘But…That is very coincidental…’
“Ah! FINALLY!” Nao says relieved as Saga opens the door of their apartment. “I was worried! You said you wouldn’t take that long, but you’ve been gone for more than two hours!”
”Nao, you’re not my mother.” Saga says annoyed.
”Eh no, but to talk about her, she called.”
”Great.” Saga groans and he lets himself drop on the couch.
”…You’re sitting in my pizza leftovers from yesterday.”
”AH FUCK!” Saga shouts, he jumps up, and he punches into a pillow.
Nao looks scared at him. “Calm down! The stings will go out with just a bit of soap…”
”That’s not it Nao!” Saga shouts.
”Then what is it?” Nao asks worried.
”NOTHING! Just- Just-” Saga sighs, and puts his hands in front of his face; he rubs his eyes and his cheekbones. “I am just tired Nao…”
”Tired?”
”Yes!”
”You? Tired? Saga, you’re a night-animal. You’re like…an owl! But then one that can even handle it during the day! You only sleep 2 hours a night and that’s more than enough for you!”
”WELL, TODAY IT’S NOT, OK?!” Saga shouts. “I am off to bed!”
”Saga, if there’s a problem you can also just tal-“
”I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT! THERE’S NOTHING! HE MEANS NOTHING TO ME!”
And Saga storms away and shuts the door of his bedroom; Nao hears how he turns his key around.
’Who means nothing to you?’ Nao thinks.
“I have some shootings today Uru.”
”Oh okay, me too. Shall we go together then?” Uruha grins.
Shou stayed at his place this night, on the couch. To make sure Uruha would be alright.
Shou smiles. “People are really starting to think we’re a serious couple.”
”Let them think so.” Uruha laughs. “We both know it is not true. I have my own crush, and you have several even!”
”Several?” Shou pulls up his eyebrows.
”Yeah! Squirrel,-“
”But that doesn’t count! We’re just friends now, he has a boyfriend!”
”Saga-“
”Same for Saga! Ok, he doesn’t have a boyfriend but-“
”Tsukasa.”
”WHAT?! Oh please! Tsukasa is like, not my type at all!” Shou shouts indignant.
Uruha laughs again. “I know, I know. I was just kidding. But the first two are true Shou. Admit it.”
”I admitted it already! Though both aren’t what you can call potential boyfriends.”
”Hm, I don’t know. Maybe Saga is.”
”No.” Shou says decisive.
”Why not?” Uruha asks surprised. “That he really wanted to have contact with you again is actually very typical.”
”He’s not interested. Not in me.” Shou answers.
Uruha seems perplexed. What does Shou mean? In whom should Saga be interested?
It is clear that guy doesn’t really know what he wants from Shou, and maybe Uruha is wrong and he does only want to be friends. But still…Interested he is. They only don’t know in what way.
“So,” Aoi grins as Uruha enters the studio. “Ready for the results?”
”The way you say it make it sounds as if this is my final exam from high school.” Uruha grins.
”Well, you can call it just as important.” Aoi blinks. “So where’s our little Gnome? He may not miss this.”
”Probably looking for his own reflection in his mirror.” Uruha grins. “The mirror is quite big, so he often loses himself in it.”
”Well, ha, ha, ha.” A voice says from behind Uruha. “Really Uruha. Hilarious.”
Ruki just walked in and now faces the two taller rivals.
”Hm, well his joke is better than yours. Or are you being serious with that outfit?” Aoi grins.
Uruha laughs.
Ruki seems furious. “I believe your hairspray damaged your brains, Aoi. Not that there was much to damage.”
”Yeah, inside my head, an artic breeze blows, but that makes me at least cooler than you, Ruki.” Aoi responds, he doesn’t grin anymore.
Uruha looks from one actor till the other. They really seem like…Hating each other. Ruki is almost as mean to Aoi as he is to Uruha. Maybe even meaner.
”And did blondy have a nice night?” Ruki asks then, with a grin on his face.
Uruha looks perplexed. “Why do you ask?” he asks suspicious. What is that remark suppose to mean? What does Ruki know?
”Just to make sure there weren’t any sorrows bothering you.”
”What sorrows should bother him? He isn’t the one that needs a staircase to climb into his bed.” Aoi defends Uruha.
Ruki grumbles something, and then walks away to his manager.
”Thank you.” Uruha says to Aoi, though he sounds a bit cool. “But I can deal that dwarf on my own. You shouldn’t-“
”Ah, he just annoys the shit out of me.” Aoi shrugs. “And besides, he isn’t good enough to be your opponent. Not to be mine either. We’re just…more skilled than he is.” He adds a small smile; “Though he thinks he is better than we are.”
”Yes, his ego blows out of his head, but to say that he is a bad actor, no.” Uruha shrugs.
”Well,” Aoi smiles. “That I would not have expected. You actually fell for his tricks.”
”What do you mean?!” Uruha asks surprised.
”I mean, with his talking about how great he is, people start believing it. But if you look behind the talking and his cute face, you’ll notice that he’s not really that good. He is not bad, but not good enough to beat us. You’ll see.”
”Why are you,” Uruha asks slowly. “That evil to him and quite…kind to me? We’re rivals too.”
”Yes,” Aoi nods. “We are. But the difference is: We are on the same level. You and I. I respect you, and to be honest: I find you quite a cool person. I like you. I think we can have a nice time working together.” Aoi blinks again and smirks. “You have this…Air, that I like.”
Uruha blinks with his eyes a few times; not really knowing what to say. And he might be very wrong, or is Aoi now actually… flirting with him?
”Anyway, let’s hope for the right parts. I am sure Kai thought of something. And now, I need an espresso.” Aoi grins; he blinks one last time at Uruha, and walks away.
Shou said goodbye to Uruha when he went to his studio to hear what part he’ll play in the movie, Karyu already knew but he didn’t want to tell it. It was a surprise, he said.
That practically means Uruha has the head-part. Otherwise Karyu would never act like that.
Shou sighs; he has to do some photo-shootings today.
Recently, he was getting tired of this work. His model-career ended up in a way he did not really intend, he never intended to become a model anyway, but some impresario offered him the chance, and at that time Shou dreamt of a glamorous life.
Well, now he still is a model, but a different kind. It just went bad with business, Shou started to lose money, he quit school too early and his parents were too angry at him.
Then some photographer offered him a huge number of money for posing naked, and one thing lead to the other…
Though, if it wouldn’t have happened, Shou would have ended up broke and homeless, without friends.
Now he has money and a nice apartment. And Uruha is actually the best friend he ever had. And of course, he wouldn’t have met Saga or Hiroto if he wouldn’t have done it.
Though…not knowing Hiroto doesn’t seem that bad. And Saga…
Shou sighs. He keeps on popping up in his minds again.
’I guess…I still am in love with him. Or maybe again…’ Shou thinks. But what he saw yesterday evening across Uruha’s apartment…He can’t forget it.
It’s too coincidental! First the wine and the notes to Uruha, then Saga comes back into Shou’s life, then another note…
’Could Saga be…?
NO! No he would never… He came back for me, not for Uruha.’ Shou thinks. But though…If he really is Uruha’s stalker, he would never come to Uruha that directly. Actually, contacting Shou again would be the smartest idea…
’I would do so too if I were him.’ Shou thinks. ‘he also looked really shocked when Uruha entered my apartment, not really happy he saw him there…He was too scared Uruha would suspect something of course, you get really paranoid from doing such things as stalking someone…But would Saga really stalk Uruha?’
It hurts to imagine he would, Shou feels it inside. But it really is too coincidental.
’I will talk to Saga,’ Shou promises himself. ‘Maybe he can show me everything is okay, maybe I am seeing ghosts…’
”I want to speak you all one on one. Face to face.” Kai smiles. “I’ll motivate my decisions, I’ll tell why, and I’ll give pointers, advices! It can take a while. I want you to use the back-entrance while leaving ok? Good! Aoi, you first! Uruha, Ruki, wait outside with your crew if you brought them.”
Uruha sits down in the corridor, he looks at Ruki from the corners of his eyes.
Ruki is looking at him, with a look in his eyes Uruha can’t explain.
His behaviour is so weird, he acts so…suspicious. Like he has something in his mind Uruha may not find out.
’Could it be him? I thought it before. Just to scare me, so I’ll be out of my part? So I’ll achieve under my maximum? So he can beat me? The writer said “You still didn’t beat me” does that mean Ruki has the head-part and that’s what this all was about? Or…Does he have other motives?’
Uruha is confused, but Ruki’s behaviour, his remarks, they fit.
’my first intention was Ruki,’ Uruha thinks. ‘But is that a trustable intention? What if I am completely wrong? In fact Ruki isn’t behaving that different than usual, and he never did something like writing notes to me before…but we never had such a huge movie, and we never had to play with each other…’
Then Uruha notices Zero staring from Ruki till Uruha. There’s this…worried look in Zero’s eyes.
’Zero knows something…’ Uruha thinks as he sees that.
Then Uruha suddenly sees Him.
He sits at the end of the corridor, meters away from Ruki and Zero.
His arms crossed, his face looks grumpy, and he doesn’t look at any of the three other persons in the corridor.
Uruha wonders…Should he go to Him?
Why not? He never acted shy, and he is tired of Zero and Ruki staring at him.
Some distraction would be nice, and since there’s nobody else to talk to…It would be weirder if Uruha would start talking to Ruki than to his stand-in.
So Uruha stands up and sits down in front of Him.
I feel Ruki’s eyes burning as I see Uruha walking over to me, though…I am not scared, and a part of me wants him to come closer.
Fuck Ruki. I did not ask him to come to me, he decided himself.
It is time for Ruki to accept that you can’t force someone to love you.
And what is with this guy that’s so special and different?
What’s it…that makes him attractive? It is weird. Cause I am disgusted by his kind. All those men are the same; All of them.
He sits down in front of me, he grins, but doesn’t speak.
Weird, I did expect him to…
He looks at me through his hair that falls in his face, his eyes look teasing. As if he wants to say: “I am sitting in front of you, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”
”What do you want?” He asks softly to Uruha. “I am not going to turn around for you again!”
Uruha smiles. “No, no you don’t have to. I was just escaping those two.” Uruha nods with his head into the direction of Ruki and Zero, and He seems to grin, though he tries to hide it.
”Then you could also sit down somewhere else.” He says.
”Yes, I could. But that I avoid those two doesn’t mean I avoid all human-beings.” Uruha grins.
”I also never thought you avoid human-beings,” He says, his voice sounds bitter. “Otherwise you would have chosen for another job, don’t you think so?” It wasn’t a question.
Uruha pulls up his eyebrows. “I didn’t choose this.”
I don’t answer. Of course he chose it; otherwise he wouldn’t have come that far.
The door at the other side opens, Kai calls for Ruki. He and Zero leave. Now I am left alone with him, because I am not coming with Zero and Ruki. I could have, it wouldn’t have been weird, but…
A part of me wanted to stay with Uruha.
”So,” Uruha talks on a normal volume now. “You really seem to be disgusted by us eh?”
”Yes.” He answers.
”Why?”
”I think you don’t have self-respect for doing this. For being proud of this.”
”You think so? But isn’t it better to be proud of what you’re doing than being ashamed of it? I find that more self-respectful than running away from what you are.”
”But in fact, you are all whores. With the difference that Whores don’t chose for their jobs most of the time, with whores, I have compassion. But you guys choose for being paid to get laid every day again and again, and that even makes it sound more beautiful than it is!” He says decisive.
”Hm, well I can’t say you’re wrong for saying we don’t differ much from whores. But I disagree with you when you say we all chose for this.” Uruha says.
”Of course you chose for it! Otherwise you wouldn’t come this far in this scene!”
Uruha just shakes his head. “Then how did you get in? In fact, you made the choice too. You agreed with it. I know your face and name won’t be showed, but you are fucking people for money too. But you are ashamed of it.”
I am perplexed, I open and shut my mouth, but I can’t think of the right words.
He smiles. “See? You know I have a point.”
”NO!” I shout. “That was different! I had no choice! I needed it, otherwise I would have died!” the words were out before I noticed. “I need the money!”
He looks at me, a bit compassionate, probably cause of that “otherwise I would have died” but about that he doesn’t ask.
”You needed the money. There you’ve said the crucial sentence.” He sighs.
”What do you mean?” I ask.
Uruha smiles sadly. “Well, of course you are right, there are those who volunteered to become like this. To sell their body for amusement for others.”
”The way you say it makes it sound acceptable.” He grumbles.
”But,” Uruha continues. “There are those like you. Who just needed the money, who couldn’t say no. There are more of those, believe me.”
”…And,” He slowly asks. “To what group do you belong?”
Again Uruha sighs. “I belong to the second group. When I finished my school I got addicted to gambling, and made a huge death to my old friends. I was desperate to find money; I would do anything to find money. I was losing everything I had, my family, my friends, and my home.
Then, when I was near a breakdown in a café, a man came to me. Since I was really drunk, the things he said seemed okay.
He said he never saw a man as beautiful as I was, he said he would make me famous.
I have dreamt of being an actor since I was very little, and I thought this guy would help me.
In some way, he did. But not the kind of movies I intended.
That man wanted money so he could promote me and pay for that, I needed to give him a lot of money.
He lied. He put half of the money in his own pocket, but he did bring me into the lowest classes of the movie-world.
That’s how I ended up here, cause the man left with my last bit of money, while I only played one part, which did bring up some money but he got 80% of it, with that he left, the other 20% was just enough to pay my death, but now I didn’t have a manager anymore and nobody offered me parts, apart from some posing, naked. I saw what it would bring up, and…I did it in my despair. With those shootings, Karyu found me.
He listened to my story, and offered me a contract, I didn’t really want to, but Karyu is trustable, and he said that it was too late for me to head back.
And he was right.”
I listened to his story, and my mouth almost fell open. That I did not expect…It was comparable with mine…
”B-But…How come you couldn’t go back?” I ask.
He shakes his head. “Because I did several shootings, my name was known already, since I seemed to be good. I got into the next “level” without noticing. As soon as that happens, the door outside falls close. Plus; I didn’t have any buffers left. My family didn’t want to talk to me, my friends also didn’t. I was alone and broke. The door just closed.”
”…But I heard rumours you’ll get out of this soon?” I softly ask.
He smiles.
”Yes. Maybe I will. You see, there are two options for escaping this. Only two.
One: you get out before it’s too late. And it is too late very fast.
Two: You get that important or famous, that you build up possibilities outside this scene. That’s why most try to climb up.
Though, those who become successful, most of the time drown in their success, and think “well, it’s okay this way, I’ve done this for such a long time now, and I can live with it.” Those stay in the scene. Also cause that second option is very difficult to reach.”
I swallow. He told me stuff…that gives another view to this world. I am still disgusted from it…But not all of these men are as horrible as I thought.
”…So…There’s no other option for getting out?”
Uruha slowly shakes his head. “Though…Well, maybe but that’s most of the time what goes wrong in the beginning.
If you keep contact with your old life, you know, your old friends, your family…Then maybe you can get out. Though you’re most of the time contracted too, so you can’t just quite eh?”
I swallow. What I was afraid for, he just confirmed: It is also too late for me. Because my old friends hate me now, I only owe them money and they’re all angry at me.
My family, well I owe them money too, my sister already broke with me, my parents are never happy to see me…I also hardly ever do.
My girlfriend just left…
There’s nobody out there that could help me.
Uruha seems to guess my thoughts, or at least, he notices I am worried.
”…I wish I could help you.” He says friendly to me.
”Well, there’s nothing you can do.”
”I know. But I wish I could…What did you actually do to end up here?”
I shake my head.
”You don’t want to tell me?”
”Sorry, no…” I try to smile.
”Doesn’t matter.” He answers, he still sounds so friendly. “I can imagine. I don’t get why I told you my story either, but I am happy I did.”
I look up. “Why?”
”Because it seems it changed your view on me.” He smiles.
He is right. He is so right.
I already knew he was special, but now I know he just is different from all those others. I know now what makes him different. At least, partial.
Because he still has that something…That makes me want to know him better. To…Be with him.
I trust this guy for some reason.
I like him.
And I don’t know why. Because liking him, is a very dangerous thing for me to do. Because even being closer to him than 5 meters, makes Ruki furious.
But I do understand what makes Ruki feel attracted to this man.
He has something.
Not that I’ll ever fall in love with him. No Way.
Then the door opens again, and Kai’s head sneaks through the opening, he looks around, searching Uruha.
”Ah! Uru-kun, you’re coming?”
He stands up and smiles at me for the last time today. “It was a nice talk though.”
I nod slowly.
”But I wonder…What is your name?”
And before I know what I am doing…The word left my lips:
”Reita.”