Sigh like you mean it
Crap. So I was watching Grey's the other day and the contents of that particular episode really has had an effect on me. Meredith was walking by a room and the old lady in the room was like, you know, dieing, I mean right then, she was dieing. So Meredith did what any doctor would do, and saved her. The old lady's friends were peeved though. She was a DNR patient - Do Not Resesitate. But now that Meredith saved her life, the old ladys daughter had to come in and sign forms that said they could take out her new breathing tube that Meredith gave her. So... that all happened, and the lady was dieing adn she had her daughter, adn her daughters girlfriend and her 3 old lady friends around her. Mereith lost it, though and went into a closet and cried and cried and cried. She was crying because she was thinking of her own mother. Her mother who was in a nursing home with alzheimers. Meredith was terrified that her mother was going to die alone. Fuck. I lost it. I wont even know when my mother dies. Nobody will tell me, nobody will think to call her 4 children to inform them of their mothers death. No one would even know how to reach any of us in case that happened. As much anger I hold twords my mother and as much as i do NOT want her in my life, I would be absolutly DEVESTATED if she died. Especially if I found out like years after the fact. I just wont know. And she'll never know about us. What if I would have died in that accedent? Or even, what if I really would have gotten hurt? She wouldnt have known. She wont know when I get married or when my brothers get married. She wont know when we all start having kids. She doesnt even know my sister is a lesbian (even though Rebecca prefers it that way). She knows nothing about us. She doesnt know David almost got engaged a few months ago. She doesnt know Rebecca has been living with someone that she loves deeply for the past few years. She'll never know. And we'll never know about her. I hate that. That makes me want to call her, it makes me want to build it again. It hurts me when I think that not only are we not close, but I havent spoken a word to her since I was 18. And before that, it was a few years b4 we talk as well. I miss my mother. I loved my mother so much. More than Brandon, more than Rob, more than Melissa, more than - OK, so thoes are the only ppl I've ever loved... But more than all of them combined times 73. I loved her. I was sucha a mamas girl. I begged her to snuggle with me until the day I left when I was 13, I just always wanted to be around her. Always. And I was always terrified that she was going to leave. Crap. And I mean not to toot my own horn, but I think I was her favorite. I mean I know parents are supposed to say they dont have favorites, but they do. David is my dads favorite, and I'm cool with that. I'm second favorite and then theres Rebecca. He loves us all, but there IS an order. I was her favorite. We had a bond I cant explain. I dont know if it was normal mom/daughter bond or if it was more. I wouldnt know, I dont have it anymore and I dont remember too well. But I miss it and I miss her. I think of calling her, of getting it all back, but I cant and I wont. She lied. LIED. Absolutly LIED. "I'm sick" she would say. "Agorophbia, Anxiety, Depression...." I heard it all. "Thats why I couldnt call.... thats why I couldnt see you... thats why I couldnt answer the phone" But when I was 18, she answered the phone. When I was 18 she told me stories of the last few years... "Oh me, Frank and his sons did this and that and over here..." What? "Oh, me and Frank went jet-skiing - I love jet skiing - and theres this cute little diner..." What?! "On the corner, theres this little porn shop and its so funny. The guy in there is always joking with me" WHAT?! Where the FUCK is your agoraphobia? Where the FUCK is your anxiety? You bitch. You could call me for 4 and a half YEARS because of your "mental state" but you could go walk down to the corner porn shop adn joke with the creepy townie who works there?! And to top it all off, she would make the most INNAPPROPRIATE comments about my father and Frank and sex. That man is still my father, and even though he and I don't get along either and sometimes I can't stand the thought of him, and even though he's done his fair share to fuck me up and I have so much resentment twords him, at least he didn't abandon me. At least he didnt lead me on for 13 years, making me think I had some loving father, and then make up lies to get out of parenthood. Yes, there have been times where hes acted like he didnt care, but at least he was there. At least he didnt give up on me... on all of us. I want my mother back. I want it back. I dont want her to die and have me not know. I dont want to get married and have her not know. I dont want her to become and grandmother and be oblivious to it. Nobody understands. All the people Ive ever loved in my life are now gone. I feel alone. I miss him. I miss my mother. I wish my father were different. I wish my friends didnt live in the U.P. I wish I wasnt so alone. Fuck. And this, i did NOT do to myself. This is relevant. This counts.