Ass wipe
Why can;t I have at least one good one? You are given two parents so that if one fucks up, you have the other to lean on. Mone both fucked me royaly and equally. And even though my dad is still around and I love him for that, hes continuing to hurt me, well aware of the fact that he is doing so. I told him about moving her freaks out, I go on defensive, tell him I'll call him wehn I'm calm adn I have yet to call him, cuz I am yet to not be upset at him. So today he writes me an e-mail.
"Sarah: Well, you said you would call me on Tuesday but you didn't. Do
you know where Hamtramck is? or what it is? It is home to a very
large group of Polish people. Remember those are the people who, with
few exceptions, hate Jews and helped in the extermination of Jews in
Poland including my grandparents [your great grandparents]. If and
when Zadie finds out you are living in Hamtramck, he will shit a
brick and I'm pretty he will cut you off from everything [car,
insurance you name it]. What an insult that would be. As far as your
phone, if you remember the deal, you were not to go over your minutes
once when I got you the phone. Instead, you have gone over your
minutes every single month even when I paid $800. How dare you say
that I hate you!! Who brought you out to California twice this year?
Who basically leaves you alone? You asked me not to bug you about
moving to California so I didn't? Who continued calling you when you
were awol? Moving to Hamtramck is a huge mistake. You are being
totally immature. As for Hamtramck, on what street is the place you
are moving into? Take a picture of with your digital camera and send
it to me. How big is the building? Is there security? Where would you
park? Who are the people you want to live with. What do their parents
say about this? Love, Dad"
Attached to this letter is a picture of him and I. I couldnt havebeen older than 4, if that, and my arms are wraped tight around his neck adn we're both smiling. He was probablly high and I was probablly oblivious. I wrote him back.
"Dad,
What I said was that I would call you when I wasn't angry anymore. I thought I wouldn't be angry on Monday, which is what day I said I'd call, but it turns out, I am still really upset. Yes, I know where Hamtramck is. I have been there - several times. And yes, I know that there is a large population sof Polish people. And please don't patronize me about the Holocaust like I don't know anything about it. I know. But I highly doubt there are going to be any "Get out of here, Jew" protests outside of my home. The neighborhood I am moving into is quiet, peaceful and is mostly families with young children. And in all honesty, I wasn't planning on telling Zaydie I was moving because I know he would shit a brick. And I know it's not the best thing to keep things from him, but I would think you of all people would understand the trapped feeling I get sometimes - most of the time, in fact - in result from being a part of this family. And as for my phone, if you would recall, from the very beginning, I told you that if you would just have the bill sent to me, I would pay it. And every time you tell me that I am over, I offer to pay that too, and you tell me, "No, Sarah. Don't worry about it." Which I appreciate emensly, even though my brat side can come out and I don't act as if I do. I do, I really, really do. And I appreciate all that Zaydie does for me too. But sometimes - again, most times - I feel like he does things to have something over my head so that he can control certain situations. I am the failure who didn't go to college (even though I could have, but I didn't get into a Jewish enough university) so he can hold tuiton over my head like he does with David. Rebecca gets nothing, so she can live wherever, and date whomever she wishes. I envy that. I wish I could be as independnt as her so that I could just let go of all the pressure I feel when I even think about him or Barbara. I feel like the car is the thing he can take away if I start dating a non-Jewish boy, or get a tattoo or a peircing (which are all things you don't have a probelm with me keeping from him) or if I do something that he doesn't aproove of. If you ever thought that you felt like the black sheep of the family, Dad, I understand. Because I feel like I'm the black sheep from the black sheep part of the family. Not only are we not Jewish enough, I feel like my life and who I am adds to that 10 million times more. And I am so sorry for saying that you hate me. That is the one thing I will apologize for right now. I know that you don't and I was just very upset and I felt totally attacked and I didn't know what I was saying. I am very sorry. I know that you love me, and I love you too. It's just hard to talk to you, Dad. You get so stuck in your ways and your own trail of thought that it is literally IMPOSSIBLE to talk to you sometimes. I feel like when it comes to the important stuff, you won't listen to a word I say and it's so frusterating and I am a bad arguer. I get flustered and I don't know what to say. I am not the lawyer in the family, you are. You can argue like none other and because of that skill you have aquired throughout your career, it really does make it impossible to talk to you, whcih is another reason why I haven't called yet. I still don't know how to get my point across to you without you interupting or just not listening or not careing about how I feel in this situation. I can even picture you right now, reading this, rolling your eyes, laughing at me and how "rediculous" you think I am still being and what bad desicions I am making with my life. And I won't lie Dad, I have made MANY bad desicions and I pay for it every day. But I do not believe that living in Hamtramck is one of them. I will agree that it's not the most ideal place to live, but I don't think it is as bad as you're making it to be or that the rest of the family would make it to be. I am trying my hardest to figure out who I want to be for my life. Where I want to go. And right now, my living situation is hell. I dread coming home every day. I barely leave my room, and when I do I see a girl who used to be my best friend looking at me as if I have recently contracted the plauge or something. I get nervous to come out of my room to go to the bathroom or to take a shower or even to leave if I know she's out there. I get mini anxiety attacks and I feel myself slipping back into depression and I worked way too hard to get as high up as I am now, I don't want to slip back again. I have spent the last 5 months almost, maybe 4, living like this. I have also spent that time looking for alternative living arangements. There are none. And go ahead and roll thoes eyes in disbelief thinking that I didn't try hard enough or that I couldn't have possibly looked at ALL of my options, but I have. And I am excited to move in with people who I know like me, who are so open-minded and kind that I don't have to tip-toe around things the way I have with most of the people in my life. The people I am moving in with are Lynn Upson and Lark and Matt Craven. They are all some of the most amazing people I've met in my life. We're moving into a house and it has a security system installed if that counts. And Lark and Matt are 2 young, white 20-somethings from suburbia who have lived in Hamtramck for quite some time now, and not only have they not had a single problem, but they like it. They are happy. And right now, I want to be happy. I want to find my happiness. And I'm sorry if you think my priorities are mixed up, but right now, me finding happiness is my #1 goal because I can't remember ever being happy. I've had happy times, but I have never BEEN happy. And living here is not doing that for me. And also, you haven't left me alone about the California thing. You haven't been pestering me as much, but you still say stuff, and if it were up to you, I would have lived in 3 different states in the last 3 years. And like I said Dad, its just so hard to talk to you about things of relivance for me. For example, the last time I came to visit you and I kinda-sorta just barely skimmed the surface of something that upsets me about the past and you totally went on the defensive and I couldn't talk to you anymore. I didn't want to talk to you about it anymore and in a way it just made me all the more upset about what had happened in the past, which I don't want to get into right now. I am a lot like you. I am pig-headed and stubborn. I'm also a lot like her, and I think thats why we clash so much. I don't know what else to say, Dad. I love you so much and I apreciate all that you have done for me. I'm in a shitty place right now, but without you, I'd be even worse off. And I am so thankful that I have at least one parent who cares about me, adn I know thats why you're acting this way. Because you care and you want whats best for me. But I'm not the Jewish little princess that I feel like you ALL want me to be. Not even close. I even look at David and see a "nice, Jewish boy". I'll never be that. I have too much of her in me. I was with her too long to just grow out of who I am. And in so many ways, I hate that she's had so much influence on me. But at the same time, I'm glad that I'm not Michelle Kappy. She's a gorgeous, smart, happy girl, but she lives in this bubble that she will most likely live in her intire life. I'm so grateful to be outside of that bubble. I know, thus far, I have been the failure Fischel. The one who went astray. But I will find my happiness and I will get on track. But at my own pace, which is much slower than anyone would like, myself included. I love you, Daddy, with all of my heart and that will never change."
I dont think Ill ever be able to get over all the crap he's done to me or put me through either because he wont admit to it. He'll say hes sorry but then make 42 bogus excuses as to why he did thoes things or he'll say I just am unaware of all that he did for me because he kept it all behind closed doors. But I was so proud of myself for saying what I wanted - or at least most of what I wanted. And even when I was typing I just kept going on and on and on and I finally had to like make myself stop. I could have writen forever. And then I get his responce to me.
"Sarah: You're a great writer but a lousy speller. Love, Dad"
I cant beleive it. I really cant. And this is why I am the way that I am. This is why when I get heartbroken, I feel like its the end of the world, becaus eI have nothing and no one to fall back on. I wont say that I hate him, because he is my father and I dont. But if he wasnt my father, I would want nothing to do with him. I mena he didnt have anything to sya back. Nothing. Not a thing. I really must be that insignificant. No wonder Brandon doesnt want anything to do with me anymore. No wonder ROb dumped me. No wonder none of my friendships last very long. I must REALLY not matter. Fuck him for making me doubt myself. I dont even know what else to say. Im in shock.
"Sarah: Well, you said you would call me on Tuesday but you didn't. Do
you know where Hamtramck is? or what it is? It is home to a very
large group of Polish people. Remember those are the people who, with
few exceptions, hate Jews and helped in the extermination of Jews in
Poland including my grandparents [your great grandparents]. If and
when Zadie finds out you are living in Hamtramck, he will shit a
brick and I'm pretty he will cut you off from everything [car,
insurance you name it]. What an insult that would be. As far as your
phone, if you remember the deal, you were not to go over your minutes
once when I got you the phone. Instead, you have gone over your
minutes every single month even when I paid $800. How dare you say
that I hate you!! Who brought you out to California twice this year?
Who basically leaves you alone? You asked me not to bug you about
moving to California so I didn't? Who continued calling you when you
were awol? Moving to Hamtramck is a huge mistake. You are being
totally immature. As for Hamtramck, on what street is the place you
are moving into? Take a picture of with your digital camera and send
it to me. How big is the building? Is there security? Where would you
park? Who are the people you want to live with. What do their parents
say about this? Love, Dad"
Attached to this letter is a picture of him and I. I couldnt havebeen older than 4, if that, and my arms are wraped tight around his neck adn we're both smiling. He was probablly high and I was probablly oblivious. I wrote him back.
"Dad,
What I said was that I would call you when I wasn't angry anymore. I thought I wouldn't be angry on Monday, which is what day I said I'd call, but it turns out, I am still really upset. Yes, I know where Hamtramck is. I have been there - several times. And yes, I know that there is a large population sof Polish people. And please don't patronize me about the Holocaust like I don't know anything about it. I know. But I highly doubt there are going to be any "Get out of here, Jew" protests outside of my home. The neighborhood I am moving into is quiet, peaceful and is mostly families with young children. And in all honesty, I wasn't planning on telling Zaydie I was moving because I know he would shit a brick. And I know it's not the best thing to keep things from him, but I would think you of all people would understand the trapped feeling I get sometimes - most of the time, in fact - in result from being a part of this family. And as for my phone, if you would recall, from the very beginning, I told you that if you would just have the bill sent to me, I would pay it. And every time you tell me that I am over, I offer to pay that too, and you tell me, "No, Sarah. Don't worry about it." Which I appreciate emensly, even though my brat side can come out and I don't act as if I do. I do, I really, really do. And I appreciate all that Zaydie does for me too. But sometimes - again, most times - I feel like he does things to have something over my head so that he can control certain situations. I am the failure who didn't go to college (even though I could have, but I didn't get into a Jewish enough university) so he can hold tuiton over my head like he does with David. Rebecca gets nothing, so she can live wherever, and date whomever she wishes. I envy that. I wish I could be as independnt as her so that I could just let go of all the pressure I feel when I even think about him or Barbara. I feel like the car is the thing he can take away if I start dating a non-Jewish boy, or get a tattoo or a peircing (which are all things you don't have a probelm with me keeping from him) or if I do something that he doesn't aproove of. If you ever thought that you felt like the black sheep of the family, Dad, I understand. Because I feel like I'm the black sheep from the black sheep part of the family. Not only are we not Jewish enough, I feel like my life and who I am adds to that 10 million times more. And I am so sorry for saying that you hate me. That is the one thing I will apologize for right now. I know that you don't and I was just very upset and I felt totally attacked and I didn't know what I was saying. I am very sorry. I know that you love me, and I love you too. It's just hard to talk to you, Dad. You get so stuck in your ways and your own trail of thought that it is literally IMPOSSIBLE to talk to you sometimes. I feel like when it comes to the important stuff, you won't listen to a word I say and it's so frusterating and I am a bad arguer. I get flustered and I don't know what to say. I am not the lawyer in the family, you are. You can argue like none other and because of that skill you have aquired throughout your career, it really does make it impossible to talk to you, whcih is another reason why I haven't called yet. I still don't know how to get my point across to you without you interupting or just not listening or not careing about how I feel in this situation. I can even picture you right now, reading this, rolling your eyes, laughing at me and how "rediculous" you think I am still being and what bad desicions I am making with my life. And I won't lie Dad, I have made MANY bad desicions and I pay for it every day. But I do not believe that living in Hamtramck is one of them. I will agree that it's not the most ideal place to live, but I don't think it is as bad as you're making it to be or that the rest of the family would make it to be. I am trying my hardest to figure out who I want to be for my life. Where I want to go. And right now, my living situation is hell. I dread coming home every day. I barely leave my room, and when I do I see a girl who used to be my best friend looking at me as if I have recently contracted the plauge or something. I get nervous to come out of my room to go to the bathroom or to take a shower or even to leave if I know she's out there. I get mini anxiety attacks and I feel myself slipping back into depression and I worked way too hard to get as high up as I am now, I don't want to slip back again. I have spent the last 5 months almost, maybe 4, living like this. I have also spent that time looking for alternative living arangements. There are none. And go ahead and roll thoes eyes in disbelief thinking that I didn't try hard enough or that I couldn't have possibly looked at ALL of my options, but I have. And I am excited to move in with people who I know like me, who are so open-minded and kind that I don't have to tip-toe around things the way I have with most of the people in my life. The people I am moving in with are Lynn Upson and Lark and Matt Craven. They are all some of the most amazing people I've met in my life. We're moving into a house and it has a security system installed if that counts. And Lark and Matt are 2 young, white 20-somethings from suburbia who have lived in Hamtramck for quite some time now, and not only have they not had a single problem, but they like it. They are happy. And right now, I want to be happy. I want to find my happiness. And I'm sorry if you think my priorities are mixed up, but right now, me finding happiness is my #1 goal because I can't remember ever being happy. I've had happy times, but I have never BEEN happy. And living here is not doing that for me. And also, you haven't left me alone about the California thing. You haven't been pestering me as much, but you still say stuff, and if it were up to you, I would have lived in 3 different states in the last 3 years. And like I said Dad, its just so hard to talk to you about things of relivance for me. For example, the last time I came to visit you and I kinda-sorta just barely skimmed the surface of something that upsets me about the past and you totally went on the defensive and I couldn't talk to you anymore. I didn't want to talk to you about it anymore and in a way it just made me all the more upset about what had happened in the past, which I don't want to get into right now. I am a lot like you. I am pig-headed and stubborn. I'm also a lot like her, and I think thats why we clash so much. I don't know what else to say, Dad. I love you so much and I apreciate all that you have done for me. I'm in a shitty place right now, but without you, I'd be even worse off. And I am so thankful that I have at least one parent who cares about me, adn I know thats why you're acting this way. Because you care and you want whats best for me. But I'm not the Jewish little princess that I feel like you ALL want me to be. Not even close. I even look at David and see a "nice, Jewish boy". I'll never be that. I have too much of her in me. I was with her too long to just grow out of who I am. And in so many ways, I hate that she's had so much influence on me. But at the same time, I'm glad that I'm not Michelle Kappy. She's a gorgeous, smart, happy girl, but she lives in this bubble that she will most likely live in her intire life. I'm so grateful to be outside of that bubble. I know, thus far, I have been the failure Fischel. The one who went astray. But I will find my happiness and I will get on track. But at my own pace, which is much slower than anyone would like, myself included. I love you, Daddy, with all of my heart and that will never change."
I dont think Ill ever be able to get over all the crap he's done to me or put me through either because he wont admit to it. He'll say hes sorry but then make 42 bogus excuses as to why he did thoes things or he'll say I just am unaware of all that he did for me because he kept it all behind closed doors. But I was so proud of myself for saying what I wanted - or at least most of what I wanted. And even when I was typing I just kept going on and on and on and I finally had to like make myself stop. I could have writen forever. And then I get his responce to me.
"Sarah: You're a great writer but a lousy speller. Love, Dad"
I cant beleive it. I really cant. And this is why I am the way that I am. This is why when I get heartbroken, I feel like its the end of the world, becaus eI have nothing and no one to fall back on. I wont say that I hate him, because he is my father and I dont. But if he wasnt my father, I would want nothing to do with him. I mena he didnt have anything to sya back. Nothing. Not a thing. I really must be that insignificant. No wonder Brandon doesnt want anything to do with me anymore. No wonder ROb dumped me. No wonder none of my friendships last very long. I must REALLY not matter. Fuck him for making me doubt myself. I dont even know what else to say. Im in shock.