This one goes out to you Anonymous!

Jul 31, 2006 14:44

I fucking still love him. The dreams stopped, though. It was so weird. For almost a month I was having dreams literally every other night that he came to me and wanted us to be together and I would ask him "What about Andrea?" and he'd blow it off and we'd be together. And then I had a dream about her. We were friends, I was happy for her, I'd see them kiss and I would get incredibly uncomfortable, but I wouldn't want to rip any heads off and I was happy for them. And I haven't had a dream with him in it since. It's weird. And I would say it was my subconscious letting go.... but if I was letting go, then why am I still thinking about him?

And I think its so unfair. While I had boyfriends, we were still friends, and it was OK for him to say stuff like "I still love you" and "I miss you" and "I could never imagine my life without you." But now, I can't say any of that. I can't tell him that I love him and that, even though I'm not going to wait for him, I will NEVER be closed to the idea of us getting back together. And in fact, sometimes I hope for it down the road. The letter he sent me last October was amazing. He sent it to me, and that was OK. It was OK. I wrote him a letter recently. Its here next to me. It will never be sent. I know I can't. I know I won't. I wish I could. I mean I would be a liar if I said I wouldn't want him to be with me now, I would love it. But at the same time, Andrea doesn't deserve that. Even if he WOULD take me back (which he wouldn't - I mean I tried, and he said no, multiple times) I wouldn't want to cause her any unnecessary pain. She has done nothing to me and I wouldn't wish heartache or heartbreak on anyone. It sucks.

I just went back and read some of his old live journals from like 04 and God, I fucking hurt him. I mean yea, he would push me, and he ignored me for the last like 4 or 5 months of our ACTUAL relationship, but I mean, I dated someone RIGHT AFTER we broke up and would lie about it for a while. I don't know, I feel like at the time, I thought it was OK because he hurt me first. But it wasn't ok. He didn't deserve that. And then I would drag him along, acting like I wanted him (which i DID) but I had a boyfriend. And then I got all sorts of pissed when he didn't wanna get back together right away. So I went off and got ANOTHER boyfriend, when in fact, all I wanted was Brandon. I guess I understand more now. And in all honestly I probably wouldn't have grown and matured as much as I have in the past year if I was still with him. But Jesus. I fucking love him. I mean it. 100% true, pure love. And I think - I'm pretty sure - I'm IN love with him. And they say you never get over your first love, that it's always there. Well, I'm pretty sure he's over me. And I'm the pathetic one looking back at what we were wishing we still had that. I mean we had our bad times, and we fought - a lot - over stupid shit too no less... but there was so much love. I have never felt so much love and I don't know if I ever will find love like that again.

I'm even kinda-sorta dating someone. I guess... I don't know what it is. But I'm so resistant, I don't really want it, because it's unfair to him because I still think about Brandon - a lot. I don't want to hurt anyone again. He knows I'm not into the seriousness. I don't want to get to deep into something right now. He knows. And I mean I like this guy, he's cool, he's super nice to me, he treats me great, but Brandon's in the back of my head. Constantly. I can't start something if I don't end something else in my heart. And that's why I get pissed off when I think of the whole "you'll never forget your first love" thing. Because if I am never able to leave him and what we had behind, I'll never be able to be open to someone else. I'll never be able to be that in love again because my heart will still be taken by Brandon. Fuck.

I WANT to be over him. Trust me. I don't like feeling like this. I WANT to be able to let him go and let my feelings go. But I can't control how I feel. All I can do is control my actions, which is why I don't talk to him anymore. Which is why I don't pursue a friendship. Part of me wishes I could Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind his ass and just forget. I mean on one hand, I love the memories and I love what we had, but the memories are bitter sweet because it just makes me miss him and makes me want it again. I wish I didn't want him. I wish I could forget him. He is my dirty little see-cret. My long-lost longing. The thing that I will be be secretly waiting for for the rest of my life. Because no matter where I'm at in life, he will always be my number 1. I will always be willing to drop my life for him. I will always be waiting. And I hate it. I want to be able to move on and have a life. But he is my life. HE always will be my life. And Anonymous, I'm sorry if that upsets you, whoever you are. I don't know why it would, but I'm sorry that it does. And trust me, it upsets me too, and I wish I didn't feel it, but I do. I can't help it, but I'm sorry just the same.
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