The Vanquish of Nervousness and Low Self-Esteem
I always like to learn about people’s particularities and oddities. No one is really “normal”. There’s always something odd about them. Sometimes, my characters inherit these oddities. Today, I found out an oddity about myself. I love fruit, I really do. However, I can not stand apples when they are whole. Something is off about them. Yet, when they are cut into little pieces and the core is disposed of, they are really good. I have no explanation for that. Speaking of writing, that is going very well. I am enjoying writing in scenes and the freedom to move about with my mood. I believe that my writing is benefiting from the method or perhaps my inner editor has taken her Christmas vacation early. Or perhaps she is distracted by *that* other *thing* in my life. *cough*.
So the large date is tomorrow. Surprisingly enough, I’m not really nervous. Most likely, it may have to do with confidence. It wasn’t really developed when I went on my first-ever date and I had Brittany whispering in one ear and mom and Jenn whispering in the other ear. Do I kiss him? Do I hold his hand? Yes, I was self-conscious. Now, I’m not feeling any nervousness. Chris will probably not get any physical contact whatsoever on the first date, but I appreciate that the setting will be where I will be most comfortable! That and the fact that I will be at the Starbucks an hour before we were actually due to meet. I see no sense in coming home between Open Door and the date, so I will be working on writing until he shows up at Starbucks.
Yet, really, going back to why I’m not nervous. I really think it’s the confidence thing. In March, I had a karate tournament and I was very nervous. I got third place in sparring, but didn’t place in forms, which was a downer. Now, I’ve been practicing both forms and sparring combinations. I had to get up in front of class tonight and do my forms. I was only expecting to do my kata form, but Sensei Frankie said that I should really do my sword kata. So I did both. I was a little nervous when he started bringing out the sword and bow staff from the private lesson room, but I calmed down. I almost reverted back into the state of nervousness I was in last March. I remember sitting on the bleachers, watching the rings below, going through Kata One in my mind and looking in the book. I had practiced the form before, but the lack of confidence caused me to doubt myself. Tonight, I almost did the exact same thing with my sword kata. I hadn't practiced it in over a week. I prevented myself and concentrated on the performer. It worked, so perhaps, I will bring my writing notebook whenever my family is busy to keep my mind from thinking on it too much. Mama and Dad are both coming. And I should say this. I’m not really interested in winning. The first two times were wonderful, because I *had* *never* placed in anything before in my *whole* life. In debate, I had to watch Cassandra go up to the stage almost every time as a finalist. I was jealous, but I was proud of her at the same time. Now, the tournament is as the Senseis say: it’s about learning. My first tournament was mind boggling and lonely. My second tournament was much better, but I had lacked confidence. My third tournament will be better, because I’ve been there, done that. Now I can relax.
It is Day Two of swearing off chocolate and desserts. There has been no noticeable decrease in my thigh size, though. I’m still size 11. We’ll see how long I can swear off chocolate. Desserts will be hard, because it *is* Halloween season and I really am craving some candy corn.
So the large date is tomorrow. Surprisingly enough, I’m not really nervous. Most likely, it may have to do with confidence. It wasn’t really developed when I went on my first-ever date and I had Brittany whispering in one ear and mom and Jenn whispering in the other ear. Do I kiss him? Do I hold his hand? Yes, I was self-conscious. Now, I’m not feeling any nervousness. Chris will probably not get any physical contact whatsoever on the first date, but I appreciate that the setting will be where I will be most comfortable! That and the fact that I will be at the Starbucks an hour before we were actually due to meet. I see no sense in coming home between Open Door and the date, so I will be working on writing until he shows up at Starbucks.
Yet, really, going back to why I’m not nervous. I really think it’s the confidence thing. In March, I had a karate tournament and I was very nervous. I got third place in sparring, but didn’t place in forms, which was a downer. Now, I’ve been practicing both forms and sparring combinations. I had to get up in front of class tonight and do my forms. I was only expecting to do my kata form, but Sensei Frankie said that I should really do my sword kata. So I did both. I was a little nervous when he started bringing out the sword and bow staff from the private lesson room, but I calmed down. I almost reverted back into the state of nervousness I was in last March. I remember sitting on the bleachers, watching the rings below, going through Kata One in my mind and looking in the book. I had practiced the form before, but the lack of confidence caused me to doubt myself. Tonight, I almost did the exact same thing with my sword kata. I hadn't practiced it in over a week. I prevented myself and concentrated on the performer. It worked, so perhaps, I will bring my writing notebook whenever my family is busy to keep my mind from thinking on it too much. Mama and Dad are both coming. And I should say this. I’m not really interested in winning. The first two times were wonderful, because I *had* *never* placed in anything before in my *whole* life. In debate, I had to watch Cassandra go up to the stage almost every time as a finalist. I was jealous, but I was proud of her at the same time. Now, the tournament is as the Senseis say: it’s about learning. My first tournament was mind boggling and lonely. My second tournament was much better, but I had lacked confidence. My third tournament will be better, because I’ve been there, done that. Now I can relax.
It is Day Two of swearing off chocolate and desserts. There has been no noticeable decrease in my thigh size, though. I’m still size 11. We’ll see how long I can swear off chocolate. Desserts will be hard, because it *is* Halloween season and I really am craving some candy corn.