(no subject)
I needed to think today about what it is I want to do with my life. I love my business, but I don't love all the internal dilemma it's been causing me. Doing this business requires so much self development. You have to be willing to change in order to really see results. I haven't wanted to change because I think I don't truly know who I am. You can't change what you don't know, right? I could be wrong, but I've been trying so hard to avoid getting into it and it's been piecing together as to why.
It started with Robin Williams. I liked him a lot at one point, but I'm not gonna pretend I paid much attention to him recently. But he was always good. I read an article about why funny people tend to become depressed. They're funny because that's their mask. They play the funny guy to be accepted and to be true to themselves is terrifying. They can just put on the mask and be funny without being the person they think won't be accepted. If people don't accept the mask, it's fine because it's just a mask. But when people end up loving the mask, it becomes harder and harder to take the mask off. If you took the mask off and the person behind that mask is less than expected, it's hard to come to terms with that disappointment. So the mask stays on while the person keeps struggling to keep up the act.
The scariest thing about learning all that was that it spoke to me. Not that I want to go and kill myself or anything. But I get it. I get why getting close is so hard. I've been wearing a mask of this fun person that I don't think I really am. Everyone always tells me that I'm great and all that, and I jokingly reply "I know!" But I don't think I've ever truly believed it. There was a time in my life where I was really quiet and afraid of everyone. I thought they would make fun of me or hurt me. One day I decided not be that way and became this fun outgoing other person. And it was great!!! I was always able to be ridiculous and have fun and make people laugh and come out of their shells and enjoy life! I was able to stand in front of people and speak about important things but in silly ways. I got the courage to do Karaoke even though I can't really sing. Life was good as this person. Life was fun and I had friends who were fun.
However, the friends I made along the way only see me this way. They don't know how scared and quiet I can really be. Doing this business makes you vulnerable. I built this great big wall around myself to avoid anyone from hating me or hurting me. And I don't want to make myself vulnerable and tear it down. I don't think anyone will like me when they know who I really am. I can't be honest with anyone about how I truly feel about most things. It's easy to fall in love with movies and TV shows and books that tell stories. I think I've sunken into that world more and more to avoid facing myself. I can talk about those things for ages and ages and no one would think anything of it because that's what I do now. I don't talk about anything of real substance. I don't talk about my fears and my struggles and dreams. Those are kept secret so no one is the wiser.
Meeting new people has gotten harder because I can't break down that wall. I don't want to take off my mask. My mask is what covers up my scars. I don't think anyone can accept them and in turn accept me. I know my friends weren't the truest of friends because we never got close. I don't know how to be close to anyone. I've tried and always failed by telling the same lies I always tell. Everything is great, everything is going well, I know what I need to do. Change the subject. Quickly. Before they find out anything. But in truth nothing is great, nothing is going well. I haven't a clue what to do. This is what's keeping me from doing what I need to do. This is my block.
It started with Robin Williams. I liked him a lot at one point, but I'm not gonna pretend I paid much attention to him recently. But he was always good. I read an article about why funny people tend to become depressed. They're funny because that's their mask. They play the funny guy to be accepted and to be true to themselves is terrifying. They can just put on the mask and be funny without being the person they think won't be accepted. If people don't accept the mask, it's fine because it's just a mask. But when people end up loving the mask, it becomes harder and harder to take the mask off. If you took the mask off and the person behind that mask is less than expected, it's hard to come to terms with that disappointment. So the mask stays on while the person keeps struggling to keep up the act.
The scariest thing about learning all that was that it spoke to me. Not that I want to go and kill myself or anything. But I get it. I get why getting close is so hard. I've been wearing a mask of this fun person that I don't think I really am. Everyone always tells me that I'm great and all that, and I jokingly reply "I know!" But I don't think I've ever truly believed it. There was a time in my life where I was really quiet and afraid of everyone. I thought they would make fun of me or hurt me. One day I decided not be that way and became this fun outgoing other person. And it was great!!! I was always able to be ridiculous and have fun and make people laugh and come out of their shells and enjoy life! I was able to stand in front of people and speak about important things but in silly ways. I got the courage to do Karaoke even though I can't really sing. Life was good as this person. Life was fun and I had friends who were fun.
However, the friends I made along the way only see me this way. They don't know how scared and quiet I can really be. Doing this business makes you vulnerable. I built this great big wall around myself to avoid anyone from hating me or hurting me. And I don't want to make myself vulnerable and tear it down. I don't think anyone will like me when they know who I really am. I can't be honest with anyone about how I truly feel about most things. It's easy to fall in love with movies and TV shows and books that tell stories. I think I've sunken into that world more and more to avoid facing myself. I can talk about those things for ages and ages and no one would think anything of it because that's what I do now. I don't talk about anything of real substance. I don't talk about my fears and my struggles and dreams. Those are kept secret so no one is the wiser.
Meeting new people has gotten harder because I can't break down that wall. I don't want to take off my mask. My mask is what covers up my scars. I don't think anyone can accept them and in turn accept me. I know my friends weren't the truest of friends because we never got close. I don't know how to be close to anyone. I've tried and always failed by telling the same lies I always tell. Everything is great, everything is going well, I know what I need to do. Change the subject. Quickly. Before they find out anything. But in truth nothing is great, nothing is going well. I haven't a clue what to do. This is what's keeping me from doing what I need to do. This is my block.