Relationship status is for someone in a relationship
Last night I was in a weird mood. It's a mood I've had many times before and can linger for ages.
I deleted my relationship status on Facebook. Jonathan found out today when he added a coworker as a friend. We went back and forth via text about it. He's hurt. I told him that Facebook isn't real life. I'm a liar. I haven't felt like I've been in a relationship in a long time. I didn't feel the need to have it posted on Facebook so I took it out. He knows more or less how I've been feeling, but we never ever find a solution to the problem. Discussing a problem doesn't solve it. It takes some of the burden off, but not entirely. It's still there, just a little more tolerable. This is not how someone should view their relationship. I think I'm coming to a breaking point. I looked up wedding ideas last night and found a dress I've envisioned, but believed didn't exist. I'm not big on weddings. I've never before had admitted to even envisioning one. It's so hard to pretend not to care. But I do. I care a lot. I want a wedding with my family and friends there. I want to be with someone who's fun and spontaneous that is up for adventures. I don't want to be burdened with so much uncertainty in my future. I can't keep living day to day with no plan. I want to be free. I want to be able to run away at a moment's notice to anywhere in the world. I want to work because I like to, not because I need to pay bills. I want to be able to get what I want when I want it and not worry about the means.
I can't have this with him. I know it. I just haven't faced it yet.
I deleted my relationship status on Facebook. Jonathan found out today when he added a coworker as a friend. We went back and forth via text about it. He's hurt. I told him that Facebook isn't real life. I'm a liar. I haven't felt like I've been in a relationship in a long time. I didn't feel the need to have it posted on Facebook so I took it out. He knows more or less how I've been feeling, but we never ever find a solution to the problem. Discussing a problem doesn't solve it. It takes some of the burden off, but not entirely. It's still there, just a little more tolerable. This is not how someone should view their relationship. I think I'm coming to a breaking point. I looked up wedding ideas last night and found a dress I've envisioned, but believed didn't exist. I'm not big on weddings. I've never before had admitted to even envisioning one. It's so hard to pretend not to care. But I do. I care a lot. I want a wedding with my family and friends there. I want to be with someone who's fun and spontaneous that is up for adventures. I don't want to be burdened with so much uncertainty in my future. I can't keep living day to day with no plan. I want to be free. I want to be able to run away at a moment's notice to anywhere in the world. I want to work because I like to, not because I need to pay bills. I want to be able to get what I want when I want it and not worry about the means.
I can't have this with him. I know it. I just haven't faced it yet.