if i could melt your heart...
a short inventory of my relationship past (since becoming a real person in '04):
* in a series of aim conversations and one evening fall madly in love with a boy who wasn't working or going to school who lived in the town i hated with doomy passion. but quite literally now... head over heels, this is the one, sparkly magickal movie moments in love. this lasts 6 months. longest relationship of my life. i break it apart because he lacks passion and...
* ...because i met boy, friend of friends who really liked me. freshman forgiveness will partially release me from dating a republican, business major from montana. lose virginity i was never attached to to begin with. this lasts 4 months. i break it apart because i wake up one morning, and in a great stark moment, i realize that i never loved him. he is upset. months later, he has a neurotic breakdown and drops out of college.
* date a transient string of guys... among the more memorable ones, an indian grad student from singapore who told me i was perfect for him, and a cute shy norcal boy who was studying to be a film major. i lose interest in each one in time.
* start dating a canadian boy who dropped out of school in tennessee and lives in the desert, drinks and smokes too much, but plays the guitar. intelligent, but with too many holes in his brain. the sex is mind-blowingly excellent. there's the addiction. i see him three more times over one year. next to first boy, he is the one i most enjoy spending time with.
* hook up with friend i met at a summer program i always liked on a trip to nyc who goes to cornell. he is cute. he is very sweet to me. he lives on the other side of the country. hook up with a boy i've had a couple philosophy classes with. i like him. he doesn't seem to like me. i am sad, but don't find situation worth pursuing.
and that takes us to now. me sitting here typing this stupid history for my own egoistic self-indulging analysis because really i refuse to put anyone through my hang-ups. especially interpersonal ones.
3 years, two real relationships, all ultimately disappointing encounters... and i wonder what's wrong with me. then i wonder what's wrong with my taste in men. then i wonder what's wrong with the boys my age.
i drew a picture of what my relationships looked like. it involved me driving a rickity wooden cart pulled by a fat, stubby, dishelveled pony; and in the back dragging in the dirt, a stuffed doll of a boy. what i want is a black laquer carriage pulled by a sparkly pink unicorn driven by me and a partner who wants to sit beside me and take the reins sometimes. i just want someone to enjoy the ride with. no permanence, no obligation, no effort. and i have a shrinking inkling of faith that such partnerships are possible. just like marina and ulay.
* in a series of aim conversations and one evening fall madly in love with a boy who wasn't working or going to school who lived in the town i hated with doomy passion. but quite literally now... head over heels, this is the one, sparkly magickal movie moments in love. this lasts 6 months. longest relationship of my life. i break it apart because he lacks passion and...
* ...because i met boy, friend of friends who really liked me. freshman forgiveness will partially release me from dating a republican, business major from montana. lose virginity i was never attached to to begin with. this lasts 4 months. i break it apart because i wake up one morning, and in a great stark moment, i realize that i never loved him. he is upset. months later, he has a neurotic breakdown and drops out of college.
* date a transient string of guys... among the more memorable ones, an indian grad student from singapore who told me i was perfect for him, and a cute shy norcal boy who was studying to be a film major. i lose interest in each one in time.
* start dating a canadian boy who dropped out of school in tennessee and lives in the desert, drinks and smokes too much, but plays the guitar. intelligent, but with too many holes in his brain. the sex is mind-blowingly excellent. there's the addiction. i see him three more times over one year. next to first boy, he is the one i most enjoy spending time with.
* hook up with friend i met at a summer program i always liked on a trip to nyc who goes to cornell. he is cute. he is very sweet to me. he lives on the other side of the country. hook up with a boy i've had a couple philosophy classes with. i like him. he doesn't seem to like me. i am sad, but don't find situation worth pursuing.
and that takes us to now. me sitting here typing this stupid history for my own egoistic self-indulging analysis because really i refuse to put anyone through my hang-ups. especially interpersonal ones.
3 years, two real relationships, all ultimately disappointing encounters... and i wonder what's wrong with me. then i wonder what's wrong with my taste in men. then i wonder what's wrong with the boys my age.
i drew a picture of what my relationships looked like. it involved me driving a rickity wooden cart pulled by a fat, stubby, dishelveled pony; and in the back dragging in the dirt, a stuffed doll of a boy. what i want is a black laquer carriage pulled by a sparkly pink unicorn driven by me and a partner who wants to sit beside me and take the reins sometimes. i just want someone to enjoy the ride with. no permanence, no obligation, no effort. and i have a shrinking inkling of faith that such partnerships are possible. just like marina and ulay.