nothing out of something, J2 AU, 1/1, [PG-13]
Title: nothing out of something
Author: sandymg
Beta: borgmama1of5
Summary: Jensen decides to break up with Jared. (Part of the beach!verse)
Wordcount: 2,900 - one-shot
Genre: RPS, J2 AU, H/C, Angst
Characters/Pairings: Jared/Jensen
Rating/Warnings: PG-13 (past emotional child abuse)
Disclaimer: This is fiction. No harm intended. No profit made.
A/N: Story title from the poem I am Too Stupid by Suchoon Mo. Story follows the thunderstorm came chronologically.
AO3
nothing out of something
“We should break up.”
Danni’s eyes open wide before a small frown creeps in. “Nonsense.”
Jensen is sure, though. He and Jared cannot work. It’s ridiculous. The notion of an anniversary date - to mark their third week. It’s ludicrous. And for that matter why is Jensen still fucking the same guy for three weeks? He doesn’t do that. Nope. That’s not who he is. Can’t be that guy. It’s … impossible.
“Jensen.” Danni’s using her patient tone with him. He sees her eyes fall to his open bedroom door. The bed is disheveled and still holds the imprint of where Jared was laying until a couple of hours ago. He blinks. The admittedly mind-blowing sex is confusing him. But it doesn’t change the facts. He strengthens his resolve.
“I’m going to tell him later, at the beach.”
A smile ghosts Danni’s lips. “Oh. You’re meeting at the beach again? That’s sweet.”
“Quit that. Get those hearts out of your eyes. Danni, it’s me. You know I don’t do this.”
“Then why are you?”
“Why am I what?”
“Doing it? You kept his number. You called him. He’s been here almost every night since you met. He stays over. Jensen, you do do this.”
She looks at him, raising a perfectly shaped eyebrow and they both burst out laughing. “Shut up, you dork.”
“Make me.” He sticks his tongue out and when Danni raises her fist for a mock punch he darts past her.
They chase each other around their living room shrieking like they did when they were eight. Before Jensen’s mother stopped them.
Give that back!!!
That shout could probably be heard by the cruise lines in the ocean. Danneel had a strong pair of lungs.
Not that Jensen couldn’t give as good as he got.
Make me!
He dodged to the right and threw the ottoman up as a barrier before barreling onto the sofa, scrambling quickly over the back and diving into the space behind it while gleefully clutching Danni’s diary in his hand.
I shared an apple with Timothy Brimsdale.
Sing-songing as he read was mandatory and Jensen’s eight-year-old voice was piercingly high. Danni had traversed the upturned ottoman and was balanced atop the sofa back while Jensen flattened himself to the carpet. Her small hands groped ineffectively.
Timothy smiled and said he loves apples. Oh god … this is gross.
Shut up. You don’t know anything. I don’t even like him anymore. That was a long time ago.
Jensen checked the date. It was last week.
He eats his buggers, you know.
He does not.
Chris saw him. Dug it out and munched down.
Shut up. He does not. That’s you and Chris that do that.
She made a mad swipe again, bending further than before, skirt flying forward and legs kicking absurdly up behind her. A giggly scream rose like an escaped helium balloon before she was yanked off the sofa back by a furious grip on her legs.
What do you think you’re doing?
M-mom.
I … I’m sorry Mrs. A. We were just …
Exposing yourself like that. And … Jensen … what is the meaning of this? Trashing my house?
He rose silently, white face erased of his recent fit of hilarity. This was bad. He didn’t think she’d hear them over the bath water running. Her lips were a thin slash in her pinched face, her lavender robe wrapped tightly around herself. They’d interrupted her bath time. Oh crap. He caught Danni’s eye and quickly handed her the diary but his mother intercepted it.
Her eyes attacked the block writing derisively.
That’s mine. Don’t …
Danni’s voice was defiant and unafraid. Jensen feared he’d pee himself.
Boys. Always boys with you.
Hard, blue eyes looked from Danni to Jensen.
You want to know what boys will get you? They’ll get you an ungrateful brat who trashes everything you have.
His mother stared at Jensen coldly.
Clean this up. Now!
She walked to the phone as Danni silently put all the cushions back where they belonged. Jensen placed the ottoman back precisely, then followed Danni and refluffed each pillow, denting the center as his mother liked.
Mom was on the phone.
Dana, it’s Donna. … Oh no, not at all. I love having Danni here. She’s her usual rambunctious self ... Only a little mischief, nothing to talk about. Yes … Are you sure, because you know she can stay for dinner if you … Alright. I’ll have her gather her things.
Mom placed the receiver down, still holding the rainbow-striped diary against her robe and faced Danni smugly.
Your mother’s coming to pick you up.
She deliberately flipped through the pages, making wordless murmurs and shaking her head. Jensen held his breath as Danni seethed.
With a condescending smirk she finally held it out for Danni to snatch back.
Here, dear. If your poor mother knew …
Callous eyes pinned him like an insect under a display glass.
You know, Jensen, you don’t really want to read what your friends think about you.
Jensen squirms out of Danni’s grip. He resumes the earlier argument as if they never stopped. “Even if he doesn’t say it, Jared’ll be happier if I do this.”
Danni’s eyes are huge again. “That’s nuts. And it’s not true. He’d be very far from happy. Don’t you see how he … “ She stops herself. It takes her a few minutes and she seems to be thinking carefully of what to say next. “You know that old saying about how if it’s not broken, why try to fix it?”
Sure he does, but he doesn’t see what that has to do with …
“You and Jared are fine. Just … don’t do anything. I’m not saying to run out and buy a commitment ring for fuck’s sake. Just … be.”
There is a part of Jensen that wants to take Danneel’s advice. Except. “C’mon Danni, you know Jared … what he must. He’s not looking for someone like me.”
He wonders what Jared would write about Jensen in a diary. Met a weird, fucked up guy who is scared of storms and hugging and aside from being an okay lay is too weird to deal with.
“Jense, if he didn’t want to be with you, he wouldn’t be, right? It’s not like you’re forcing him. Stop overanalyzing. Just let it be.”
She looks at her watch. “I have to go. Got clients meeting me.” She eyes him carefully. “You gonna be okay? Promise me you won’t do anything stupid.”
“I am stupid.”
“Stop that.”
He sighs. “It’s for the best. He’s too clingy. I can’t stand that. You know that. He’s not for me.”
Frustration is coloring her tanned face a darker shade. “Dammit. I don’t have time now. Don’t say anything today. Just. Don’t. Okay?”
He’d do anything for Danneel. She’s his best friend. But he doesn’t like lying to her. “I can’t promise.”
She looks sad but then her face brightens slightly. “Then I’ll have to count on him.”
“What? Who?”
“Jared won’t let you do anything stupid.”
~~
Jared’s standing on the boardwalk in the same spot Jensen first noticed him, hair flying in the breeze. Same purple-flowered board shorts he had on the day they met. Shirtless and golden and so hot Jensen thinks maybe he’s a moron to give this up.
His mind returns to the strange sexless night a week ago, the night of the thunderstorm. Cuddling. There is no other word for it. Only he can’t quite wrap his mind around it. Doesn’t get why he let it happen. And he hates the constant confusion. It’s disconcerting. He didn’t explain this to Danni. She knows he’s an idiot. Maybe he didn’t need to?
“Hey.”
Lips meet his swift and warm. Berry sno-cones melting in the hot sun.
“Hey.”
His hand is squeezed tight as Jared flashes his white teeth in a brilliant smile. “Three weeks … and they said it wouldn’t last.”
Jensen knows Jared is kidding. But it’s a perfect segue. “About that … “
Jared cuts him short with a different question. “Didja finish that painting?”
Jensen’s art studio and shop is a couple of blocks inland. He’s still amazed that he’s been able to support himself with his paintings. But the summertime crowds seem to find him even off the beaten path. And in the off-seasons he’s been running art circuits, getting some small gallery showings and exhibits. Not to mention internet sales. The college kid Jensen hired to work for the summer is there now, holding the fort. Jensen’s been allowing himself some time off during weekends. Not all day. He still pops in regularly because folks like meeting the artist.
That’s how he’d ended up at the beach on a Saturday afternoon with Danni a few weeks ago - the day he met Jared.
The following Saturday, Jared insisted they meet on the beach again at lunchtime, announcing in his booming way that it was their one-week anniversary. Jensen had merely laughed.
And here they are again. Week three.
He forces himself to think about what Jared just asked him. “Yeah. Well, almost. Jared, I want to talk-“
“Let me see it again. Please?”
“The painting?”
Jared gives him an indulgent smile.
“My paintings aren’t so-“
“They’re beautiful.” Jared’s head ducks in this shy move that Jensen shouldn’t find adorable but always does. He takes Jensen’s hand in his and squeezes slightly. “They’re you.”
It’s shit like this that convinces Jensen he needs to stick with his plan. He looks around. Too many people. He’ll take Jared to the studio and explain it there. Jared will get it. Probably be relieved or something. Jared’s too nice, is what he is. So nice he’s talked himself into believing there’s more to Jensen than there is.
Making something out of nothing.
When will you get a real job?
The paintings are selling, Mom.
Hmmmph.
They are. Just sold another one last-
The Miller’s just renovated their kitchen.
Yeah.
He cheats on her.
Mom! You don’t know that.
Jesus, Jensen, can you really be that naïve?
His mother paused at the mirror and fussed with her hair. Put a blond lock that was hairsprayed in place more securely in place.
Tried with me once. Bet you never knew that.
It seemed impossible. Old man Miller? Paunchy, balding, sweet-eyed, best Halloween candy, old man Miller?
No, I didn’t …
She released a bitter laugh.
Mighta gone along, if it would have gotten me a new kitchen.
“They’re … nothing special, just landscapes.“ Jared shakes his head dismissive of Jensen’s remark. They walk in peaceful silence.
At the door of the shop Jensen realizes that Jared never let go of his hand. He immediately wriggles his fingers loose and ignores both Jared’s little frown and his own palm’s sudden coolness.
It’s his little haven inside. He painted the walls. Huge murals bringing the ocean inside. He tried to make it look like they were under the sea, looking up at where the water broke and the sun filtered in like golden rain.
“God, I love it in here,” Jared bubbles. “It’s like being in a secret grotto. Or wrapped up in a huge blue fluffy towel.”
Jensen knows that Jared could continue in this vein for some time so he interrupts gently by telling his assistant, Penny, she can take lunch.
“Thanks Jensen. See ya,” she chirps as she runs out the door.
Taking a deep breath Jensen returns his attention to Jared. Who isn’t there anymore. Stunned, he looks around. “Jay?”
Jensen steps into his back studio and finds Jared gazing at his almost-finished painting. He worked on it persistently this week, adding detail here and there. Jared stands tall and straight in front of it, eyes sweeping the landscape slowly as if he were outside, taking it in for real. It’s a beach scene. No surprise there. Crowded with umbrellas and children and blankets, like scoops of multi-flavored sherbets on the egg-shell sand.
“He’s new,” Jared says softly.
Jensen doesn’t pay attention. His mind on the speech he’s been rehearsing. “Um … I wanted to talk to you … “
“Why is he alone?”
Eyes flying to the painting, Jensen tries to figure out what the hell Jared is going on about. He follows Jared’s gaze to the far right hand corner of the massive canvas where Jensen had roughly sketched in a figure. The man’s sitting atop a tall drift of sand, tawny beachgrass shimmering behind him so the air in the painting is alive, moving, caressing. He’s felt it many times, soft, ticklish. A contrast to the sand’s grainy grit.
Jensen’s about to offer the truth. Because he wants to be.
Jared answers his own question first. “I think he’s biding his time.”
“What?”
“Clearly. See, this is the before. Like a snapshot. The guy is staring out at the ocean … lost in his head, in his thoughts. And they are fine thoughts. So good they are shouting, screaming to be heard. Not horded. So he stands up and waves his arms … “ Jared lifts his arms now, waving them madly.
“’I’m here!’” the guy yells, “’I’m standing right here.’”
Jensen stares and thinks Jared’s gone insane.
Jared smiles then, bright, exultant, dimples shadowing his cheeks. He puts one hand on each side of Jensen’s face. “Fuck, you’re gorgeous.”
Jensen’s swallowed in a kiss. And his head is spinning because Jared has sucked the air out of his lungs too quickly and he needs to grab it back, to pant and suck it back in. Except it’s not his air anymore.
It’s their air. And it tastes so good.
Oddly it’s Jared that separates them. Jensen is rubbing against him like they are alone. Like this isn’t his place of business. Like his assistant isn’t about to pop back in. It’s like the man makes Jensen lose his mind.
“S-sorry,” Jensen murmurs when his mouth is his again, even though he’s not.
Jared’s resumed staring at the painting, mouth slightly open. His lips are spit-slick and slightly swollen and it’s taking all of Jensen’s willpower to not devour them again. “Huh.”
Jensen follows Jared’s gaze slightly downward from the solitary man. He frowns. He doesn’t remember consciously drawing it, but there is the very start of a second person. Looking up at the first, like he’s … waiting.
Jared grabs Jensen’s hand before another word is said and takes him back out front. “I got a client coming soon at the gym. Hafta go. So later, I’ll bring pizza from the place you like that doesn’t deliver. Extra cheese and mushrooms.”
“Yeah?” But then Jensen stops himself. No. That wasn’t … he’s supposed to … “Um … Danni will be home tonight. I don’t think she has any plans.”
“So? That’s cool. We’ll all hang.”
“You wanna hang with Danni?”
Jared gives him that look that Jensen always thinks fits somewhere between bemused and confused. “You’ll be there, right?”
“I live there.”
He’s met with a smile. “You do.” Jared gives a quick look back at the painting through the doorway. “Can’t wait until it’s finished.” He leans in for another quick kiss. “Three weeks,” he whispers into Jensen’s mouth.
Jensen steels himself. “About that … “
“Yeah?”
“I didn’t think. I mean, I never lasted ... You … I think we should break up.”
He expects anger. Perhaps disappointment. Most likely a dull acceptance. Not like there’s any other way this could go.
Jared smiles at him.
Okay, Jensen didn’t expect that.
“Nah.”
“Nah?”
“Mmm-hmm. Any other bad ideas? Might as well get them all out now.”
“Uh … no, that was it.” Jensen thinks this might be the oddest conversation of his life. But then again lots of conversations with Jared leave him feeling this way.
“I’ll be by at seven.” Jared takes a step toward the door just as Penny breezes in. She looks at the two of them curiously before dropping back on the stool behind the counter and digging into her burrito.
“Jensen?” Jared pauses at the door and he’s staring intently and there’s something shadowing his blue-green eyes that Jensen suddenly doesn’t like. It doesn’t belong and it has to go away.
“Yes. Seven. Bring the pizza.”
The light returns as if a magical sunbeam had infused itself into Jared’s body. “Later, gorgeous.”
Penny smirks around a too-big bite.
A short time later Jensen’s cell phone rings. “Didja tell him extra cheese?”
“Danni? How’d you know--?”
“Jensen, we’ve had pizza together for two Saturdays in a row now. It’s tradition.”
Tradition? Jensen didn’t do tradition. Well, not with lovers at least. Jensen didn’t do three weeks in a row. But all he can see is Jared’s starburst smile.
“And mushrooms,” he says into his phone. He’s about to hang up when he adds, “We’ll all hang together, yeah?”
She mumbles a soft, “Yeah,” back and damn, if he can’t hear her smile as well.
fin
Continues chronologically in ten thousand pigs keep singing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am Too Stupid
by Suchoon Mo
Please hear me
I am too stupid to make
sense out of nonsense
something out of nothing
meaning out of meaninglessness
Therefore I am making
nonsense out of sense
nothing out of something
meaninglessness out of meaning
I am a good man
who does not know
what a good man is.