Holding On - part 1/5
The first thing that comes to Jared’s mind when he wakes up and takes in his surroundings is oh crap. His memories from the night before suddenly make themselves known to him and Jared’s feeling of oh crap builds.
He is lying in Jensen’s bed and the dull ache in his ass confirms what his somewhat hazy mind is telling him. He slept with Jensen last night. Jensen; his best friend since pretty much the first day at Stanford and the guy he’s been pathetically in love with for almost as long.
Jared and Jensen work for the same law firm, Morgan & Beaver, and last night there was an office party; something about the anniversary of the firm. The party was really rather dull and Jared and Jensen ended up drinking far too much and apparently thought it would be a good idea to have sex.
Jared kind of wants to smother himself with a pillow. How could he be so stupid? It’s bad enough that he’s in love with his best friend but then he goes and sleeps with him? That’s not going to make things any better. At least before he could reconcile himself with the hope that Jensen was awful in bed, but now that’s out the window.
Maybe it would be best if Jared just made a break for it. Jensen hasn’t woken up yet, so Jared could just sneak out and maybe Jensen won’t remember and Jared can pretend that this never happened.
Just as Jared has made the decision to sneak out, he feels Jensen stir next to him and tenses. Jensen groans and Jared can feel the exact moment when Jensen remembers the events of the night before.
“Oh crap,” Jensen says out loud.
“My thoughts exactly,” Jared replies.
“My memories are a little hazy but, er, we did, didn’t we. We had sex?”
There’s no point in denying it. Jensen knows the truth as well as Jared does. “Yeah,” says Jared in answer.
“Crap. Um, so, what are we gonna do?”
“Well,” says Jared, “I was thinking that I’d just leave. We avoid each other for a week or so and then pretend this never happened.”
Jensen is silent for a minute, seemingly thinking it over. “Good plan.”
“Alright, then. I’m just gonna go.”
Jared sits up in the bed, avoiding looking at Jensen and tries to collect his clothes scattered around the room.
“I’ll, er, see you in a week or so then,” Jared says, still not looking at Jensen, and bolting out the room.
Jared pauses briefly in the living room to put his clothes on before he lets himself out of Jensen’s apartment and makes his way home.
Jared spends the next week avoiding Jensen which isn’t all that easy considering that they work in the same place.
He doesn’t want things to get awkward between him and Jensen. Jensen’s been his best friend for years; ever since a computer error put a freshman in a student housing apartment with a bunch of seniors. He and Jensen had gotten along straight away; both of them majoring in pre-law, although with Jensen a few years ahead, and them both being from Texas.
And then, after Jared graduated from law school last summer, Jensen got him a job in the same law firm.
Jared can’t say for definite when exactly he fell for his friend but one day he was looking at Jensen and he just knew that he was in love with him. Of course everyone knows but Jensen. Jared hates it. He always gets these pitying looks from their friends every time Jensen picks up another one night stand.
That’s another problem. Jensen doesn’t do relationships. And Jared is a serial monogamist. He’s either in a relationship or he’s single. And of course none of his relationships work out because he’s in love with his best friend. They either dump him because they know he’s in love with Jensen or Jared finds a reason to break up with them because they just aren’t Jensen. Mark, Jared’s last boyfriend, moved to London for work a few months back, at the beginning of the year, but if he hadn’t gone Jared would have just found some excuse to break up with him.
He really needs to get over this thing for Jensen. And sleeping with him really didn’t help anything. Now he closes his eyes and he can feel Jensen pressed up behind him, Jensen’s lips against his. And that just really isn’t helping any.
It’s been just over a week since Jared and Jensen had sex and Jared is really supposed to be working on this report for his meeting on Friday but he just can’t concentrate on anything. So he pulls up Solitaire on his computer.
Jared has a serious Solitaire problem. The thing is: whenever he finishes a game a little window pops up and asks him if he wants to play again. And, well, Jared does want to play again. And he can’t just lie to his computer. And before he knows it, an hour has passed and he’s still playing Solitaire.
There’s a knock at his office door and Jensen sticks his head in.
“Hey, you busy?” Jensen asks, already making his way into the room.
Jared thinks for a moment, he really should be working on that report and if he was working on the report, then he would be busy. But he’s not; he’s playing Solitaire.
“Mmm… No. Not busy,” Jared eventually replies.
“Playing Solitaire?” Jensen asks with a smirk, sitting in the chair opposite Jared’s desk.
“Yeah,” Jared whines. “I can’t help it. It’s an addiction!”
“Then why don’t you just not start playing in the first place then you won’t keep playing.”
Jensen clearly does not understand the call of Solitaire so Jared decides to ignore his comment. “What can I do for you, Jensen?”
“Well, we’ve been avoiding each other for a week now and I was wondering if we were done with that yet? I don’t want things
to be weird between us.”
“I don’t want that either,” says Jared.
“So are we done avoiding each other? Chris and Steve have a gig tonight.”
“Yeah, we’re done. I’ll be there tonight. Chris would have my ass if I missed it.”
“Damn straight. I’ll see you later.” With that Jensen gets up and walks out of Jared’s office.
Things pretty much go back to normal after that; Jared pining away after Jensen; Jensen being oblivious.
Jared emerges from the bathroom about ten minutes after he’d run in there. At first he thought his food just hadn’t agreed with him, after all it was right after lunch, but this has been going on all week so now Jared thinks he must have a stomach bug or something.
He goes back to his office and collapses into his chair. He’s been a lot more tired than usual lately and the near constant nausea he’s been feeling is really starting to annoy him.
“Hey, you still not feeling well?” Jensen asks as he walks into Jared’s office and takes his usual seat on the other side of Jared’s desk.
“No,” Jared answers in a miserable voice. “I can barely keep anything down.”
“Maybe you should go to your doctor? Maybe he can at least give you something.”
“Yeah, maybe. I’ll make on appointment on Monday if I’m still not feeling well.”
Jared spends his Tuesday lunch break in the doctor’s office. He didn’t feel better at all over the weekend so after a bit of badgering from Jensen, he made an appointment with his doctor.
“Mr Pa-da-lacki?” the nurse fumbles out Jared’s name and he stands to follow her back to the doctor’s office, not bothering to correct her pronunciation.
“Jared. How are you?” Dr Taylor asks when Jared steps into the office. Jared has been going to Dr Taylor ever since he first moved to San Francisco nearly 8 years ago for college.
“Um, not too bad,” answers Jared, sitting in the chair that Dr Taylor indicates.
“So what can I do for you?”
“Well, um, I’ve been feeling really nauseous for about a week now and I can’t really keep anything down,” Jared replies.
Dr Taylor makes a humming noise and makes a note on his computer. “Any other symptoms?” the doctor asks.
“Er, yeah, I guess. I’ve been more tired than usual and I guess I’ve had some stomach pains.”
“And what about your bathroom habits?”
“Excuse me?” Jared splutters.
“Your bathroom habits. Have you been urinating more frequently recently? Constipated?” Dr Taylor asks, looking up from his computer screen.
Jared blushes a little and says, “Yeah, I guess I have been using the bathroom a little more frequently recently.”
Dr Taylor makes another humming noise and makes another note on his computer. He then takes something out of his desk draw and hands it to Jared.
“I’d like you to give a urine sample. You can use the restroom in the waiting room and then hand it to the nurse when you’re done.”
Jared takes the little cup from Dr Taylor and walks out of the room into the waiting room.
Twenty minutes later Jared is yet again sitting in front of Dr Taylor in his office.
“Well Jared, I had an idea about the cause of your symptoms and your urine sample has confirmed it.”
Jared looks at the doctor expectantly and nods at him when he doesn’t continue straight away.
“Jared, you’re pregnant.”
Jared thinks that that was probably the last thing that he had been expecting Dr Taylor to say. “No. No, that can’t be right. You have to have sex to get… Oh. Oh crap.” Jared buries his head in his hands. He can’t believe this.
“I’m going to give you the number of a friend of mine, Dr Hayward, who is an obstetrician that specializes in male pregnancies. I suggest that you contact him as soon as possible to schedule an appointment and then he can give you a prescription for pre-natal vitamins. I’m sure he’ll also be able to give you some pointers on how to deal with the morning sickness.”
Jared just nods, feeling a little shell-shocked. He accepts the business card that the doctor hands him, not really listening to what Dr Taylor is saying, and makes his way out of the doctor’s office and back to his own office building.
When Jared gets to his own office he puts the card in the top drawer of his desk and gets on with the work that he’s supposed to do that afternoon.
“Jared, you’re back,” Jensen says, making his way into Jared’s office. “How did everything go at the doctor’s?”
“Yeah, fine. Just a stomach bug. It’ll go away in a few days,” Jared replies, resolutely looking at his computer screen and avoiding Jensen’s gaze. He needs to get his head around the fact that he’s pregnant before he can even think of telling Jensen.
“Are you sure? You don’t look so good,” asks Jensen, leaning forward in his chair.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Just got a lot of work to do.”
“Alright. I’ll see you later, okay?” Jensen says standing up.
“Yeah, later.” Jared says without looking up from his computer screen.
It isn’t until about a week later that Jared looks at the card that Dr Taylor gave him. He is still freaking out about being pregnant, especially about being pregnant with Jensen’s child, but he has finally gotten his head around it. Kind of. He’s gone through a lot of emotions since he found out: denial, confusion, fear. He’s finally settled on acceptance so it’s probably about time that he make an appointment with this Dr Hayward and actually tell Jensen.
Jared picks up his office phone, presses 9 for an outside line then dials the number for Dr Hayward.
He makes an appointment with Dr Hayward’s secretary for that Friday, and then decides that he should really tell Jensen before the appointment. After all, Jensen might want to come with him.
Friday is still a few days away so Jared decides he’ll wait another day before telling Jensen so that he can psych himself up and plan what to say.
It’s Wednesday before Jared has gotten up the courage to talk to Jensen. He’s kind of been avoiding him since his visit to Dr Taylor and he does feel kind of bad about that.
Jared knocks on the door to Jensen’s office, which is bigger than his own, which isn’t surprising seeing as Jared’s office is tiny, then makes his way over to Jensen’s desk and sits down in the chair opposite him.
“Hey Jared. It’s been awhile.”
Jared winces slightly at the dig. “Yeah. I know. I’m sorry.”
“Is there any particular reason why you’ve been avoiding me? And you have been avoiding me,” Jensen adds when Jared opens his mouth to argue.
Jared sighs. Jensen knows him too well. “Okay, fine. I may have been avoiding you. A little.”
“Okay,” Jensen says, dragging the word out. “Any particular reason?”
“So I might not have been completely truthful about that doctor’s appointment…”
“What? Are you okay?” Jensen asks, leaning forward, his voice full of concern.
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. I just- I don’t have a stomach bug.”
“Okay. Then what is it?” Jensen asks, the worry not leaving his voice.
“I, er.” Jared clears his throat before trying again. “Well, I, umm. I’m pregnant,” Jared says in a breathy voice.
“Oh. Umm. Wow. I didn’t even know you were seeing anybody,” Jensen says, sounding just as shocked as he looks.
“Um, I’m not. Seeing anybody, that is.”
“Oh. Then, um, who’s the father?”
Jared takes a deep breath and just as he’s about to answer he sees comprehension dawning on Jensen’s face.
“Oh. Is- Am I-?” Jensen asks unable to finish a sentence.
“Yeah. It’s yours,” replies Jared somewhat breathlessly.
“Wow. Oh, um… Are you sure?” Jared must look slightly offended by that because Jensen rushes on to say, “Of course you’re sure. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything by that.”
“It’s okay,” Jared placates. “It took me a while to get my head around all of this… Look, I understand if you need some time to process all of this; I did. I’ll just, umm, I’ll let you get your head around all of this.”
With that, Jared gets up from his seat and leaves the office before Jensen can even get a word in edge-ways.
Jared’s hiding out in his office the next day when Jensen comes in and takes up his usual place.
“Hey.”
“Um, hi.”
“So, I’ve been thinking a lot since you left my office yesterday,” Jensen starts.
“Yeah?”
Jensen takes a deep breath to prepare himself for what he’s about to say. “You know I’m here for you right? I’m- I’m in this with you. Anything you need. I’ll be there.”
Jared feels his eyes filling with tears that he tries to keep at bay. “Thank you. That really means a lot to me,” says Jared, the tears starting to overflow.
Jensen stands up and moves around the desk to Jared’s side, cupping Jared’s face and wiping away the tears with his thumb, smiling fondly at him.
“Of course. You didn’t think I’d just leave you to deal with this on your own?”
“No. ‘Course not,” Jared sniffles. “I’m just really freaked out about this whole thing.”
“Yeah, I can relate,” Jensen chuckles. “But seriously. I’m here for you. I’ll be there every step of the way.”
“I, um. I made an appointment with an obstetrician for tomorrow.”
“You want me to go with you?” Jensen asks, still running his thumb over Jared’s cheek bone.
“If you want to?” says Jared, uncertainly.
“Yeah, I want to,” Jensen replies smiling up at Jared.
Jared smiles back at Jensen, feeling somewhat relieved that he doesn’t have to go to the doctor’s alone tomorrow.
“I just-” Jensen starts suddenly, “I don’t get how this happened. I mean, I thought we used a condom. We did use a condom, right?”
“I thought so. I dunno. I mean, condoms aren’t a hundred per cent effective, right? So I guess there is a chance that I got pregnant even with using a condom. Or maybe it broke or something. I don’t know. We were both really drunk.”
Jensen chuckles at that. “Yeah, we were. I guess it doesn’t really matter now. We just have to deal with this. Y’know. Together.”
That makes Jared smile. “Yeah.”
They lapse into a comfortable silence which is broken when Jensen stands up and makes to leave. “I, uh, I have work I gotta
get done, so…”
“Yeah, yeah. I’ll, uh, I’ll see you later.”
Jensen smiles and walks to the door. “Later.”
Jared sits in the waiting room of Dr Hayward’s office nervously jiggling his leg.
When he and Jensen arrived the nurse at the reception desk had handed him a little cup and had asked him to give a urine sample. Jared hates giving urine samples. He’d handed in his sample and the nurse told him and Jensen to take a seat.
That was about ten minutes ago and Jared’s nerves build with every minute he’s sat there.
“It’s gonna be okay,” Jensen says, resting his hand on Jared’s knee to stop the movement.
Jared opens his mouth to reply but right then a petite blonde nurse walks in and calls out, “Jared Padalecki?”
Jared and Jensen stand up and follow the nurse out of the waiting area and into an examination room.
“Alright. How are you today?” the nurse, whose nametag reads ‘Cindy’, asks.
“Um, fine. I guess,” Jared answers awkwardly.
“Okay. So I just need you to step on this scale?” Cindy asks indicating the scale next to the wall.
After Jared had been weighed, Cindy takes his blood pressure and a sample of his blood.
“If I could get you to change into this while you wait for Dr Hayward to come in?” says Cindy handing Jared a medical gown.
Jared nods taking the gown from Cindy’s hands.
“So, the doctor will be in in just a minute, you can sit yourself on the examination table when you’ve changed.” After that Cindy smiles and leaves Jared and Jensen alone in the room.
“Turn around,” Jared says to Jensen when the door closes behind Cindy.
“What?” Jensen laughs. “You know I’ve seen you naked before. We have had sex.”
“I remember,” Jared scowls at Jensen. “Why d’you think we’re here? Just turn around.”
Jensen laughs but turns around none the less to give Jared some privacy to change.
A few minutes later, Jared is sitting on the examination table in the gown, with Jensen sitting in the chair next to him, when
there’s a knock on the door.
“Hi, I’m Dr Hayward,” says the man that walks into the room, extending his hand towards Jared.
The man is tall, although not quite as tall as Jared, and has light brown hair that has been grown out a little. He has piercing blue eyes that crinkle slightly in the corner when he smiles his beautiful smile.
Dr Hayward is not what Jared was expecting at all. When Dr Taylor had told Jared that Dr Hayward was a friend of his he had assumed that Dr Hayward would be like him; greying hair and in his mid-fifties. However, Dr Hayward can’t be much older than early-thirties and Jared kind of wishes that they were meeting under different circumstances.
“Jared Padalecki,” says Jared, smiling and taking the doctor’s hand.
“And am I right in assuming that you’re the father?” asks Dr Hayward offering his hand to Jensen.
Jensen nods his head before introducing himself. “Jensen Ackles.”
“The first thing I need to do is ask a whole bunch of questions; stuff about medical history and what-not. After all the paper-work is done I’ll do a physical exam and then we’ll get to have a look at your baby,” Dr Hayward finishes with a smile. “So is this your first pregnancy?”
The questions continue for about ten minutes, asking about not only Jared’s health but Jensen’s too and that of their families; compiling a rather thorough family medical history. Jared is also asked questions about his lifestyle, dietary habits and if he’s currently on any medication.
“Okay so that’s the last of the questions,” says Dr Hayward moving to put his clipboard on the side table and grabbing some disposable gloves. “So, Jared if you could just lie back and put your feet in the stirrups?”
Jared does as he’s told, Dr Hayward covering his legs with a blanket.
“I’m just going to do a quick pelvic exam, if you could just scoot forward a bit?” says Dr Hayward, slicking up two of his fingers. Dr Hayward places his other hand on Jared’s abdomen while inserting his fingers and then presses down on Jared’s abdomen.
It’s not Jared’s first pelvic exam; he’s been having them about once a year since he found out he was a carrier at 18. They never get less awkward though and Jared always feels really uncomfortable having them done. Jensen being here really doesn’t help.
When the pelvic exam is finished, Dr Hayward pulls over the ultrasound machine and gets it ready.
“So are you ready to see your baby?” Dr Hayward asks, looking up at Jared and Jensen who both nod.
“Early in the pregnancy we tend to use the internal sonogram because it provides a clearer picture,” Dr Hayward explains as he slicks up the ultrasound probe and inserts it. Less than a minute later an image is shown on the ultrasound screen.
“So you see this bean shape here?” Dr Hayward asks, pointing it out. “That is your baby. About 8 weeks, I’d say. And this flicker here? That’s the heartbeat.”
Jensen stands up from where he was sitting beside the table to get a better look and takes Jared’s hand in his.
“Wow, Jay. That’s our baby. Jay?” Jensen asks when he doesn’t get a response.
“Yeah.” Jared says in a watery voice, tears spilling from his eyes. “Our baby.”
Jared turns to Jensen and gives him one of his mega-watt grins, dimples and all.
“Well, everything looks good,” says Dr Hayward putting the ultrasound equipment away and disposes of his latex gloves. “You can get changed now Jared, and then the two of you can meet me in my office which is right through that door on the left,” he says before disappearing through the door he indicated.
“I guess I gotta call my Mama now, huh?” Jared says, turning to Jensen with a sheepish look on his face.
“Oh, crap. I completely forgot about my Mama,” says Jensen. “Guess I’m gonna hafta call home too.”
Ten minutes later, Jared and Jensen are sitting in Dr Hayward’s office, Jared having changed back into the clothes he had arrived in.
“So judging by what you have told me and from the size of the fetus I’m putting your due date around the beginning of January, and I’ll be able to give you a more exact date as you progress in the pregnancy and I get more accurate measurements. I printed some pictures for you to take, as well,” the doctor says, picking something up from his desk and handing it to Jared.
Jared takes what Dr Hayward hands him and looks at the picture of his baby. He smiles before showing it to Jensen.
“I’d like to start you on a course of pre-natal vitamins, just to make sure that the baby has all the nutrition it needs and I’m going to give you some leaflets about what you should and shouldn’t be eating while pregnant. Obviously you know to avoid caffeine and alcohol, but you should also avoid certain fish and cheeses. It’s all in the leaflet. Dr Taylor mentioned that you’ve been experiencing quite bad morning sickness?”
“Um, yeah, it’s been pretty bad,” Jared replies.
“Okay. Would you say that you’ve been throwing up more than you’ve been keeping down?” Dr Hayward questions.
“Um, it’s been a bit better this last week and I think I’m keeping down more than is coming back up.”
“Good. But I’d like you to keep an eye on your weight and if you lose any I’d like you to come back in and see me as soon as possible. In the meantime, I have some leaflets about ways to help with morning sickness,” Dr Hayward finishes handing Jared some leaflets and a prescription. “A lot of my patients find that if they have some crackers by their bed at night, and eat them when they wake up, it helps with their nausea. Also, eat small meals throughout the day and drink plenty of fluids. Do you have any questions for me?”
“Yeah. I, um. Well, I didn’t know I was pregnant for the first couple of weeks, and I, um, had a few beers and I was just wondering, um, if that would have an effect on the baby?” Jared asks worriedly. That question has been weighing on his mind ever since his visit to Dr Taylor. He’s really worried that he’s harmed the baby.
“Excessive alcohol consumption early on in the pregnancy can sometimes cause miscarriage, but I’ve had patients who went out drinking every weekend for weeks before they found out they were pregnant and delivered perfectly healthy children. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome mainly presents itself in patients who have consumed alcohol regularly throughout their entire pregnancy, so as long as you don’t drink anything now that you know, you should be fine,” Dr Hayward smiles reassuringly at Jared.
Jared lets out a relieved sigh. “Okay. And I stopped drinking when I found out so…”
“I get quite a few patients with similar concerns. I also get a lot of questions about sex during pregnancy,” Dr Hayward says.
Jared blushes when he says, “That won’t really be a problem for me. I doubt I’ll be able to find anyone willing while I’m pregnant.”
Dr Hayward gets a confused look on his face. “You two aren’t together?” he asks.
“No. We’re just friends.” Jared replies. He has to remind himself that there’s nothing going on between him and Jensen because sitting in an OB’s office and talking about their baby it’s so easy to pretend. Too easy. And Jared can’t go down that road. It’ll only lead to more heartbreak.
“Oh, okay. Well, do you have any more questions?”
Jared looks to Jensen to see if he has anything to say. When Jensen remains silent, Jared turns back to the doctor and says, “I think that’s everything.”
“Alright, well I’ll want to see you again in about 4 weeks so you can book your next appointment with my receptionist on the way out.”
Part 2