What does random mean to you?
I’m going to do something that doesn’t make any sense here for a change. I’m going to write a blog entry with bunches of words to describe how I feel about one little word. This word has been used a lot in my life to describe some very important relationships. This word has bothered me for a long time, because of this fact. That little word is “random.” When searching for a definition from my good buddy, google, I came up with: “Made, done, happening, or chosen without method or conscious decision.” I’m going to give some examples of this use, and why this bothers me in more ways than one.
When James and I first met, I added him to LJ via another friend of mine. I was a bit apprehensive to add him at first, because he sort of struck me as a bit of a perfectionist when it came to who he associated with. I looked at his profile twice before I actually added him, because after reading his bio, I just didn’t think I was good enough. It wasn’t until this friend in question made a post that I had to look at the comments for, because the post and the comments were absolutely hilarious, that I found his comment, liked what he said, and took the chance. Obviously, he did add me back a couple days later, once he discovered that I wasn’t the type to get offended at everything, and the rest is history. His account, however, he will say that I just “randomly” added him to LJ. To me, I see it in that context as just picking someone from someone’s friends page and just adding them without knowing anything about them, looking at their profile, or reading their public entries. It totally wasn’t like that at all. In fact, I don’t normally just add someone without reading, or finding out at least a little bit about them first. It just wouldn’t make sense to just add someone just because their blog is there and I can.
Another example, didn’t involve James. It was a few years ago, and I had added this girl to LJ, because I’d read her blog and profile and would have really liked to have gotten to know her. She had a radio show at the time, so I added her to messenger, and checked out the radio show. this was back when the whole broadcasting craze had gotten so big, so I was totally fascinated by the idea. I was listening to the show, and I messaged her just telling her I was listening and how cool this whole streaming thing was. She said publicly to someone she was talking to, “Samari76 just randomly added me. I don’t know who she is.” I guess it seemed to me like she was belittling this connection as just a passing “random” thing, just because I could. So I never contacted this woman again, because I felt that she’d belittled my attempt to befriend her.
This last example was what prompted me to write this entry. Last night, when asked why when he got back on line yesterday, he didn’t message me to just say hello. I don’t know about you, but I guess I always thought boyfriends/girlfriends, or fiance’s do that with each other. His answer to me was something along the lines of: “I’m not good at just sending random messages.” Again, I see “random” in that context as just picking someone from one’s contact list and just sending them a message because they’re there, and you can. When I asked him if I was just a “random” person, he insisted that I took it the wrong way. I took his comment to mean that I was just a random person, and he doesn’t send random messages without method or conscious decision; not that being one’s fiancé and caring about or being concerned about them is a conscious decision. So naturally, I was hurt, because I felt that I was just a random person in his life, so he didn’t’ feel he needed to message or email me just to say hello.
So I’d like some feedback from you all. Am I off my rocker here, or am I making sense. I guess I have always done everything, or made connections for a reason; either I liked who they were and wanted to get to know them, or we had things in common and wanted to befriend them. Those who are my friends, I’ve always either called or messaged because they are my friends, and either I want to talk to them, because they are my friends, or because I may be concerned about them. Maybe they’re going through a lot, and I just want to fofer them an ear, or let them know I’m thinking about them, because I care. In short, I always have a reason for what I do. I am not a “random” person when it comes to the people in my life, or want to be in my life. There’s always a method to my madness, so to speak; if you want to call this thing called life madness.
Originally published at Life in the Nuthouse. Please leave any comments there.