No, I'm not ok.
What happens when the answer is "No, I'm not ok."? I mean really, if I can answer the question, I obviously have to be ok...right? I just don't feel right. I don't know what this hole is that I feel. I feel like there is a hole where my heart is supposed to be. I'm not sure if this is a physiological problem, or if this is just my heart wanting for something. I have had a faint feeling hold ever since my parents told me their feelings about the whole transgender thing.
Which is another thing. They kept asking me why I wanted to be a boy, no one said I wanted to be a boy. I just told them that I wasn't a girl. I guess that automatically means that I want to be a boy. They obviously still believe that gender is binary. But ever since they confronted me about the whole situation, I have been very unsure of myself and I have just had this feeling of uselessness and helplessness. I mean because I was so sure of who I was and what I was doing, and now I am so confused and hurt. But I guess maybe it was good that they kind of knocked me off my path for a minute. I guess it is just making me take a second look and make sure that this is really what I want to do.
But over the last week that feeling has grown even bigger. I just feel like crying all the time, but I can't. Not because it's a "girl" thing. I just can't do it. I try to let myself pull down that wall and cry when I am by myself, but I can't do it. I'm not sure why.
I wish I could put a name on what this feeling is. I wish I could make it go away. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry until I'm to exhausted to cry anymore, and then cry some more.
I get asked sometimes, "Are you ok?". But what happens when I say "No."? And what if I don't know what is wrong? And what happens if I don't know what to talk about? What then?