and even more so
I just want to fuck it all away. My father doesn't even talk to me anymore, he just nods. I am not quite sure what I did to him. I just want to become dead to everyone. I want to just look out for myself and do everything secretly. I want to be a mystery again; the kid who never talks and prefers to sit alone in the shadows. This is what I am going to do.
I woke up today and had my therapist appointment at 10 and afterwards, I played guitar for about 6 hours. 4 of those hours were straight. I learned a whole slayer song and came up with some many new songs of my own. From now on my new motto is “Whatever it takes”
Money: I am 98.543% sure hat I can pick up more hours at The Globe, possibly every day. Now, if I were to work every day, that is about 250$ extra a week. Now I need this money to put my car on the road and vacation/move to FL. Of course, working at the globe involves working 2:30am until about 8 and sometimes 9 am. So this will involve being away from home for a long while and walking ALLOT. But whatever it takes.
Band: My biggest goal in life since 6th grade was to just have band. An actual band that played out, made some cash, and played good music. So that is going to happen. If it means moving, if it means covering the cape with ads, or if it means practicing in the crappiest places we can find. Whatever it takes.
This sounds selfish, but I have goals in life that I have been ignoring for certain reasons. I am not saying they are really bad reasons, but I am just not going to let things stop me anymore. I am not going to let anyone get in my way. If you want to come for the ride, that is fine. However, it is a ride, not a moment.
So I am going to start my death/black metal/thrash/grind/scr/EMO/grunge/punk/rock band. I don’t know if it will be in FL or in Money’s basement. But I am going to have one whatever it takes. Now, I am going to pee.
I like what I like, Things are cool to me, things are pathetic to me, etc. I don’t care. Just because a majority of my likings are classified or categorized under a certain label or trend, doesn’t mean I am that stupid label or trend. I am tired of people, most in whom I have never met, messaging me with false and faulty accusations of me. I am tired of receiving “YOU FAGGOT GOTH BLAH BLAH BLAH”. It is a waste of their time and a waste of my time. If you hangout with me or at least met me and you think these things, then that is fine. But if you are judging me from what people have told you, pictures of me, or just from seeing me somewhere… then that is foolish. Really fucking foolish. I really hate saying this only because allot of people say this that I don’t care for, but no one can ever really know me unless they walk in my shoes. I do things for reasons, not just because it is cool or anything. I have reasons and just because you can’t see those fucking reasons, doesn’t mean that I am fucked up or wrong. I don’t bring a jacket to shows because I hate carrying them around when I am inside. Granted I will be cold while waiting. But can you at least see my reasoning for it? I don’t do it just so I can complain about it. I try not to complain about it because I know that it was my choice. But, in my opinion, it is better to be cold while waiting for the show than to be wicked hot or carry it around while inside watching the show for hours at end. Do you understand what I mean? There are two sides to every story people. Why be so shallow and one sided? And yes, I am a hypocrite and I contradict myself allot. I apologize for being human. I am just sick of everyone’s shit. I mean, I love listening and helping people, but about their problems, not problems with me.
I am not a perfect friend, I know this. I try though. But I am not going to change just to cater to you. Accept me for what I am, a “scene, faggot goth who sucks at life”. And why? Because I dress in black 5 or 6 days out of the week, I have my hair short and parted on the side, I wear comfortable fitting clothing, because I am not afraid to point out an attractive looking male, because I wear eyeliner and paint my nails. Can you see? Is this making sense? Now does it make sense to take time from your life to message me and say all these dumb things about me without even getting to know me? Yeah, I am so scene that I cannot stand most scene music. Wow. Now look. I am stooping to their level. Whatever. I am ignoring you all now or I am going to make an attempt at least. I am going to do what I want to do and I am not going to continue to question whether or not I should do it just because of what others will think. Maybe you guys should worry about your own lives as well. Anyway, I know I will probably get comments up the ying-yang about this, but if you can please try to control yourselves and refrain from doing so, that would be wonderful. I will most likely not respond because I can care less.
One with the ground,
billy
(ps) Accidental Suicide is soo scene. ;)
I woke up today and had my therapist appointment at 10 and afterwards, I played guitar for about 6 hours. 4 of those hours were straight. I learned a whole slayer song and came up with some many new songs of my own. From now on my new motto is “Whatever it takes”
Money: I am 98.543% sure hat I can pick up more hours at The Globe, possibly every day. Now, if I were to work every day, that is about 250$ extra a week. Now I need this money to put my car on the road and vacation/move to FL. Of course, working at the globe involves working 2:30am until about 8 and sometimes 9 am. So this will involve being away from home for a long while and walking ALLOT. But whatever it takes.
Band: My biggest goal in life since 6th grade was to just have band. An actual band that played out, made some cash, and played good music. So that is going to happen. If it means moving, if it means covering the cape with ads, or if it means practicing in the crappiest places we can find. Whatever it takes.
This sounds selfish, but I have goals in life that I have been ignoring for certain reasons. I am not saying they are really bad reasons, but I am just not going to let things stop me anymore. I am not going to let anyone get in my way. If you want to come for the ride, that is fine. However, it is a ride, not a moment.
So I am going to start my death/black metal/thrash/grind/scr/EMO/grunge/punk/rock band. I don’t know if it will be in FL or in Money’s basement. But I am going to have one whatever it takes. Now, I am going to pee.
I like what I like, Things are cool to me, things are pathetic to me, etc. I don’t care. Just because a majority of my likings are classified or categorized under a certain label or trend, doesn’t mean I am that stupid label or trend. I am tired of people, most in whom I have never met, messaging me with false and faulty accusations of me. I am tired of receiving “YOU FAGGOT GOTH BLAH BLAH BLAH”. It is a waste of their time and a waste of my time. If you hangout with me or at least met me and you think these things, then that is fine. But if you are judging me from what people have told you, pictures of me, or just from seeing me somewhere… then that is foolish. Really fucking foolish. I really hate saying this only because allot of people say this that I don’t care for, but no one can ever really know me unless they walk in my shoes. I do things for reasons, not just because it is cool or anything. I have reasons and just because you can’t see those fucking reasons, doesn’t mean that I am fucked up or wrong. I don’t bring a jacket to shows because I hate carrying them around when I am inside. Granted I will be cold while waiting. But can you at least see my reasoning for it? I don’t do it just so I can complain about it. I try not to complain about it because I know that it was my choice. But, in my opinion, it is better to be cold while waiting for the show than to be wicked hot or carry it around while inside watching the show for hours at end. Do you understand what I mean? There are two sides to every story people. Why be so shallow and one sided? And yes, I am a hypocrite and I contradict myself allot. I apologize for being human. I am just sick of everyone’s shit. I mean, I love listening and helping people, but about their problems, not problems with me.
I am not a perfect friend, I know this. I try though. But I am not going to change just to cater to you. Accept me for what I am, a “scene, faggot goth who sucks at life”. And why? Because I dress in black 5 or 6 days out of the week, I have my hair short and parted on the side, I wear comfortable fitting clothing, because I am not afraid to point out an attractive looking male, because I wear eyeliner and paint my nails. Can you see? Is this making sense? Now does it make sense to take time from your life to message me and say all these dumb things about me without even getting to know me? Yeah, I am so scene that I cannot stand most scene music. Wow. Now look. I am stooping to their level. Whatever. I am ignoring you all now or I am going to make an attempt at least. I am going to do what I want to do and I am not going to continue to question whether or not I should do it just because of what others will think. Maybe you guys should worry about your own lives as well. Anyway, I know I will probably get comments up the ying-yang about this, but if you can please try to control yourselves and refrain from doing so, that would be wonderful. I will most likely not respond because I can care less.
One with the ground,
billy
(ps) Accidental Suicide is soo scene. ;)