...charge!
In my life I have come across people I am glad to have met and people, though very few, that I wish I had not met. I am having trouble finding a category for Rosy. I'm glad I met her in that she turned out to be a great person to hang out with during a time I needed someone and I wasn't seeing Corri much and Anji lives out of my reach. But I feel like if I never had met her then I would not have as much of a problem with staying with Corri in both citrus heights and Oakland. that's not to say there aren't other factors that make me hesitant to do these things but Rosy is a big one. normally I wouldn't give a shit. normally, right after finding out the person is an addict or a fuck up, I would walk away and just not have anything to do with the person. but this has not been the case. I am having trouble walking away. there are two things to look at:
one being how she makes me feel. I love spending time with her even if she isn't sober. I love the affection and the company. I care about her to, obviously, a fault. to separate is an awful thought to me. and I may even be able to break from that but there is number two: when we first started hanging out and I expressed my concern and feelings on what she was doing to herself and to her life, she would explain she didn't care and that she kind of wants to fuck up her life and eventually kill herself. but lately she has been talking about her future positively. she visited a college in citrus heights and wants to continue her education (she already has a degree from ucdavis). she talks about getting a car and trying to progress even though it seems impossible. I can't help but feel I have had something to do with this. she has not many friends. her alcoholism has driven others away and I am the only one she hangs out with. I'm all she has right now. she supposedly stopped fucking strangers on craigslist every other night because of me. I feel like I have been a positive thing in her life and I would hate to take that away by moving. I care too much.
so I'm torn. there are other things, of course, that makes moving to Oakland a very very sour prospect to me but I think this Rosy thing may be the biggest. but is she just holding me back now? is she really that worth it? will she ever stop being an addict though? I think the answer to that last question might be no. but if it came down to me leaving or staying, would she make an attempt to clean up? for me? I should probably write her a letter if Oakland becomes a real possibility and if I can narrow my hesitancy down to just her. and then there is this little tidbit: we hung out after she had, of course, been drinking. we were watching a movie and she turned over towards me some more and said "i love you". I said "what?" and she insisted it was nothing and to forget it while I asked a few more times what she said. I knew what she said but I guess I just wanted her to say it more to my face and we could possibly talk about it.
one half of me is all like "forget that ho. just another bitch" and the other part just wants to be able to hold her for as long as it is before I've had enough. I feel like this is just another "fuck you" from life. like "hey, I just took all this shit away from you. kicked you really hard a few times, a lot of times while you were down, but here is a kick in the balls too. here is one other life dilemma to munch on".
her mom actually lectured me a bit about my current living situation. her advise is to fuck paying off my debt. to stop paying them every month. I remember I accidentally paid under the minimum amount one time and as a penalty 500 dollars was added to the balance. so I hate to think of the consequence of not paying any of my debt. it won't just ruin my good credit score, it will cause me to owe far more money. a very lot more. and I can say good bye to getting an apartment, a job that checks credit scores, or anything else that is dependent on your credit.
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