...maybe my soul mate is homeless too and we'll meet at a shelter but I'd rather her be rich
Blah! Big fat blah! This will be the second night squatting at what was once my place. I'm hoping I can get away with this until I get a job and car privileges back but I have to say I am very very close to giving up on life.
Corri and Rosy age hanging out. They tried to get me to join them but it gave me an overwhelmingly bad feeling. I feel anxious thinking about it. I might just be sick of Rosy risking everything by drinking. Her mom is going to kick her out and then her life will be fucked like mine except I'm not a drug addict, alcoholic, and perfectly fine with having sex with strangers in exchange for drugs and a place to stay. This all kind of brings me to my next topic.
Rosy expressed to Corri that I was hard to read. I forgot what else but i think it was related to Rosy not knowing how I feel about her. I don't know what to say really. The fucked up thing is I care about her and have grown to maybe even love her, as a friend. I worry she wants more but I don't understand, at all, how she can ever think we would be more. I have given her so many reasons why just in different context. Off the top of my head, here are some reasons, not only why it would it never work, but why she is poison.
-she is a drug addict. She even steals her mom's pills and snorts them.
-she is an alcoholic and isn't supposed to be drinking while living under her mom's roof. More on this later
-she hooks up with random strangers on craigslist. Even if she just is looking for someone to pick her up to get out of the house, she will fuck them. She says she isn't anymore for the sake of her and I but...
-i don't trust her.
-I hate that she is continuing to risk being kicked out. She has a good thing going and she is about to wind up with a fucked up life like mine except she is an addict and will no doubt fuck for drugs and a place to stay
-she knows it bugs me but she continues to drink in excess while hanging out with me
To sum it up she is an untrustworthy slutty addict and I have told her all this and how much it hurts me but she won't change, isn't willing to change, and, in a way, wants to destroy her life. Now how on earth could I ever possibly be with someone like that. It is hard enough just being her friend. And that is if I look past the shallow physical reasons that put me off.
So I guess I need to tell her this stuff again but in the context of her and I. A big part of me wants to just walk away before I get hurt. Which IS going to happen. I just care a lot about her and in some weird way I'm hoping she will change, if not for her, then for me. I sound like a girl who only dates broken guys that they want to fix. Anyway, this is probably a big reason why I just wanted to be by myself tonight.
Moving on. There is still hope of getting hired at Tuesday Morning. Rosy talked to her friend who is assistant manager too and she is supposedly going to push for me. I also have another lead at some place that takes apart electronics to collect valuable materials like gold and copper. I also need to go to the social security office and tell them I am officially homeless and hope I get more money as a result.
I don't have anything else to write except for the obvious. My life completely sucks. I'm frustrated. I'm tired. I'm scared. I'm very very angry. But most of all, I am very fucking lonely.
Corri and Rosy age hanging out. They tried to get me to join them but it gave me an overwhelmingly bad feeling. I feel anxious thinking about it. I might just be sick of Rosy risking everything by drinking. Her mom is going to kick her out and then her life will be fucked like mine except I'm not a drug addict, alcoholic, and perfectly fine with having sex with strangers in exchange for drugs and a place to stay. This all kind of brings me to my next topic.
Rosy expressed to Corri that I was hard to read. I forgot what else but i think it was related to Rosy not knowing how I feel about her. I don't know what to say really. The fucked up thing is I care about her and have grown to maybe even love her, as a friend. I worry she wants more but I don't understand, at all, how she can ever think we would be more. I have given her so many reasons why just in different context. Off the top of my head, here are some reasons, not only why it would it never work, but why she is poison.
-she is a drug addict. She even steals her mom's pills and snorts them.
-she is an alcoholic and isn't supposed to be drinking while living under her mom's roof. More on this later
-she hooks up with random strangers on craigslist. Even if she just is looking for someone to pick her up to get out of the house, she will fuck them. She says she isn't anymore for the sake of her and I but...
-i don't trust her.
-I hate that she is continuing to risk being kicked out. She has a good thing going and she is about to wind up with a fucked up life like mine except she is an addict and will no doubt fuck for drugs and a place to stay
-she knows it bugs me but she continues to drink in excess while hanging out with me
To sum it up she is an untrustworthy slutty addict and I have told her all this and how much it hurts me but she won't change, isn't willing to change, and, in a way, wants to destroy her life. Now how on earth could I ever possibly be with someone like that. It is hard enough just being her friend. And that is if I look past the shallow physical reasons that put me off.
So I guess I need to tell her this stuff again but in the context of her and I. A big part of me wants to just walk away before I get hurt. Which IS going to happen. I just care a lot about her and in some weird way I'm hoping she will change, if not for her, then for me. I sound like a girl who only dates broken guys that they want to fix. Anyway, this is probably a big reason why I just wanted to be by myself tonight.
Moving on. There is still hope of getting hired at Tuesday Morning. Rosy talked to her friend who is assistant manager too and she is supposedly going to push for me. I also have another lead at some place that takes apart electronics to collect valuable materials like gold and copper. I also need to go to the social security office and tell them I am officially homeless and hope I get more money as a result.
I don't have anything else to write except for the obvious. My life completely sucks. I'm frustrated. I'm tired. I'm scared. I'm very very angry. But most of all, I am very fucking lonely.