Well...
Life is sucking. A lot. At the momement I just want to crawl in a hole and die. Let's see... All of the people I like, are either dating or are untouchable. School? Sucks. The weather? Snow, freezing rain and sleet. No sign of it letting up anytime soon. And to top it all off? The cherry on my wonderfully crummy life? I have NEVER felt this alone before. I'm so very, very alone and I don't know how to fix it. I suck at making friends, I always have. And now? When I finally thought I was getting better at it? That maybe, just maybe, I could be sorta normal for once? No. No normal for me. Mom and I worked so hard... and everything went wrong like it always does. Why does it always go wrong? What did I do to deserve this? No one else I know has this problem. Everything always seems to go right for them. Do you know what they complain about? That they're getting a C in some class or another. Do you know what I complain about? The side affects on the meds I'm taking, my symtoms getting worse or how my mind is going wrong.
I love them all so much, I adore them. Mom is worried, because she knows what's true. That I'll do anything, anything at all, to spend time with other people. Anything, I have given up carring what it is. I'm just so tired of being alone. And do you know what the worst is? Seeing everyone around me so happy ALL the time. Kissing and hugging and making plans. I never have plans. Do you know why? Because no one wants to spend time with me. I'm the freak, the weirdo, the odd one out. And everytime I think I've found it? Someone I can be with, a friend? Someone I can tell things to? Something happens. Something ALWAYS HAPPENS! And I'm so tired of it. What does the world want me to do?
I've been listening to some of the songs from Suicide Club, which I normally do. But until recently they didn't make sense and neither did the movie. And now it does. If you don't love yourself, it's easy to commit suicide. You just don't care anymore. That's kinda how I am now. I've stopped caring about myself. I don't care at all. It seems all I can feel now is pain, and there's so much of it out there.
I can almost understand why they don't want me around. After all, I'm not their perfect little Christian playmate. I think diffrently, and I'm NOT like they are. But I've gotten to the point, where I'm so tired of fighting it. You're always told in school, not to give into peer pressure. And they teach you to deal with it. Say no to drugs, say no to smoking. Well I know I can do that. I HAVE done that. But where do they teach you to say "no" to the other types of peer pressure? The pressure to follow the same god, go to the same church, think the same? How am I supposed to fight that?
You know things are getting bad when your mother calls you a cynic and a skeptic. I'm 16. She's in her mid 40's. And she has more good things to say than I do. She still has hope and I don't anymore. I've stopped trusting just about everything. The governement, every church on the planet, most of the doctors, all of my friends. And who can you trust, if not then? But then, I've never trusted them. Look what happens when I tell them the truth about myself, they run away. Or do what Lexy did, and rip me to shreds. What I want to do, so badly, is to just withdraw. Go into my room and read books, forever. I mean, that's almost what I do know. I have almost no human contactm and it hurts. Something inside me is dieing, and it doesn't want to go, and I keep trying to save it, but whatever I try fails. Maybe it's time to give up. Maybe it's time to put aside the things I love, and go with the flow. Hang up my beliefs, everything I have ever stood for, and let them turn me into a cookie cutter person. Let them take away my imagination, turn me into a round peg, to fit into the round hole.
But I don't want to. Inside I'm trying to rebel against that... stupidity. But... It's hard to fight when you're the only one on your side of the war...
I love them all so much, I adore them. Mom is worried, because she knows what's true. That I'll do anything, anything at all, to spend time with other people. Anything, I have given up carring what it is. I'm just so tired of being alone. And do you know what the worst is? Seeing everyone around me so happy ALL the time. Kissing and hugging and making plans. I never have plans. Do you know why? Because no one wants to spend time with me. I'm the freak, the weirdo, the odd one out. And everytime I think I've found it? Someone I can be with, a friend? Someone I can tell things to? Something happens. Something ALWAYS HAPPENS! And I'm so tired of it. What does the world want me to do?
I've been listening to some of the songs from Suicide Club, which I normally do. But until recently they didn't make sense and neither did the movie. And now it does. If you don't love yourself, it's easy to commit suicide. You just don't care anymore. That's kinda how I am now. I've stopped caring about myself. I don't care at all. It seems all I can feel now is pain, and there's so much of it out there.
I can almost understand why they don't want me around. After all, I'm not their perfect little Christian playmate. I think diffrently, and I'm NOT like they are. But I've gotten to the point, where I'm so tired of fighting it. You're always told in school, not to give into peer pressure. And they teach you to deal with it. Say no to drugs, say no to smoking. Well I know I can do that. I HAVE done that. But where do they teach you to say "no" to the other types of peer pressure? The pressure to follow the same god, go to the same church, think the same? How am I supposed to fight that?
You know things are getting bad when your mother calls you a cynic and a skeptic. I'm 16. She's in her mid 40's. And she has more good things to say than I do. She still has hope and I don't anymore. I've stopped trusting just about everything. The governement, every church on the planet, most of the doctors, all of my friends. And who can you trust, if not then? But then, I've never trusted them. Look what happens when I tell them the truth about myself, they run away. Or do what Lexy did, and rip me to shreds. What I want to do, so badly, is to just withdraw. Go into my room and read books, forever. I mean, that's almost what I do know. I have almost no human contactm and it hurts. Something inside me is dieing, and it doesn't want to go, and I keep trying to save it, but whatever I try fails. Maybe it's time to give up. Maybe it's time to put aside the things I love, and go with the flow. Hang up my beliefs, everything I have ever stood for, and let them turn me into a cookie cutter person. Let them take away my imagination, turn me into a round peg, to fit into the round hole.
But I don't want to. Inside I'm trying to rebel against that... stupidity. But... It's hard to fight when you're the only one on your side of the war...