Blat! The epiphany!!!
I;m going crazy.. really, I am.. I think I'm losing it…
Being alone never had an effect on me.. never until now.. (good song that one.. by River Phoenix.. god or who ever is out there bless his soul)
Now my walls are zooming in on me.. now all I want is something to do..
And she says she means nothing to me.. so full of crap is actually starting to scare me. But I guess I deserve all this.. for mistreating her like I did.. shame to lose her.. she really is my life..
I need to change.. I cant keep pushing people away from me.. that's not fair to them.. or to me for that matter.. I'm a good person.. I really am, I just need to let people see that.. I need to be more.. how to put it.. umm accessible! That's the word.. I need to be more accessible! Anyone care to teach me how to do that?
… I didn’t think so…
So, I assume I have to give it a go on my own.. God, I don’t want to..
I'm not even sure I can do it alone.. but then again, it's my fault I have no one to fall on. See, the only one I had? She got fed up with my shit… not that I knew I was giving any..
I always thought my love was out there and obvious.. and it was. Just not to her..
I feel dumb. I feel dumb for mourning on our dean relationship. Somehow, even after yesterday-I cant see her sitting and thinking about it.. Not even the sixth of the tome I spend on it.. Spent on it over these months. She found other things.. I guess I should be happy for her.. Sadly, I think I am..
They say that if you love someone - I mean truly love someone, like I love her, you will let them go when time comes. And so I'm letting go...
So I am happy I guess.. that she's not paining.. and that she has so many people , so
many good friends.. it's time for her to really be happy.
Don’t get wrong - it's killing me inside not to be a part of her life. No , wait.. that's a lie.. no point for that here and now , giving the good relationship I have with you my little LJ- it's killing me not to be the part I used to be in her life.
But she's good now.. and that , unfortunately , is somewhat enough.
Being alone never had an effect on me.. never until now.. (good song that one.. by River Phoenix.. god or who ever is out there bless his soul)
Now my walls are zooming in on me.. now all I want is something to do..
And she says she means nothing to me.. so full of crap is actually starting to scare me. But I guess I deserve all this.. for mistreating her like I did.. shame to lose her.. she really is my life..
I need to change.. I cant keep pushing people away from me.. that's not fair to them.. or to me for that matter.. I'm a good person.. I really am, I just need to let people see that.. I need to be more.. how to put it.. umm accessible! That's the word.. I need to be more accessible! Anyone care to teach me how to do that?
… I didn’t think so…
So, I assume I have to give it a go on my own.. God, I don’t want to..
I'm not even sure I can do it alone.. but then again, it's my fault I have no one to fall on. See, the only one I had? She got fed up with my shit… not that I knew I was giving any..
I always thought my love was out there and obvious.. and it was. Just not to her..
I feel dumb. I feel dumb for mourning on our dean relationship. Somehow, even after yesterday-I cant see her sitting and thinking about it.. Not even the sixth of the tome I spend on it.. Spent on it over these months. She found other things.. I guess I should be happy for her.. Sadly, I think I am..
They say that if you love someone - I mean truly love someone, like I love her, you will let them go when time comes. And so I'm letting go...
So I am happy I guess.. that she's not paining.. and that she has so many people , so
many good friends.. it's time for her to really be happy.
Don’t get wrong - it's killing me inside not to be a part of her life. No , wait.. that's a lie.. no point for that here and now , giving the good relationship I have with you my little LJ- it's killing me not to be the part I used to be in her life.
But she's good now.. and that , unfortunately , is somewhat enough.