Dilemmas, dilemmas...

Jul 15, 2006 00:44

bleh. So I went to Ft. Collins to visit Chris... and I loved it up there. everything was so perfect. I cried a lot (a lot of crying for me is actually crying instead of just tearing up) when I had to leave... I made a coupla friends and everything.

I came back in time to start this job at Lowe's, because they said they'd have me start training on the 13th... well, I called on the 13th and they told me they didn't have a schedule for me or anything, but they would make one... so i called again today and spoke with the lady who I guess is in charge of all that... and she told me that they had hired too many people, were on a hiring freeze, and weren't going to train me. if I was still interested in the job in 60 days, I should call them. But they hired me as a seasonal, and 60 days is in september... when all the seasonals are let go. so I have no job. I'm still gonna call again and see if I could talk with the guy that hired me... but I don't think it's any good, because Sisco, who works there too, talked with someone about it already and they said it was pretty much pointless, from what I got out of it...

I thought that after a two-week vacation in Ft. Collins, it would be nice coming back to Aurora. I really really missed Kim, and the band practices and all. But coming back, nothing's changed. there's still the drama, and I don't know what I'm going to do about the whole Sisco situation... there is still incredible tension in the band, because of the whole fucking Sisco thing and my wanting to leave... not to mention, in my absence rumors have been growing like weeds. Apparently the band all thought I was moving up to Ft. Collins, like running away and living with Chris and all, and all this shit... and as cool as the practice was on Wednesday, and how aweseome it was playing with a rummer, it was so weird for me. I felt like instead of being welcomed back as they keys and vox like I originally was, I had been accepted as a guest.

I suppose some of this is my fault. It was a sudden vacation; I had only been planning it for a week before I left, and I didn't really tell anyone outside of Sisco and Kim what was going on. I think Chris had more understanding than the other "outsiders" or whatever, but I didn't let anyone know blatantly what was happening. Especially Jes. I suppose I assumed that since a couple of people knew the deal, they'd tell the others, but that didn't happen... my fault for assuming... and I feel really bad for Jes. I did this, this is my mess, and I sent her a message today asking if she wanted to get coffee so we could talk and iron some of this out... I don't know.

Just being back here where I spent the last 10 years has sucked. Nothing's changed. Maybe it's because I only now know 3 people in Ft. Collins as opposed to the countless crowds I know in Aurora. less people = less drama. I want a new start anyway. If I could get a fresh start, knowing what I screwed up here, things might be ok.

Really though, right now I'm wishing I never came back to Aurora in the first place. If I had heard any of the shit about Lowe's and what not before I came back, I probably wouldn't have.

Part of me is saying it's worth giving this fucking town another shot, you know, try and work things out with everyone, but seeing all the shit in the last 4 months or so and seeing the effect my short absence has had on the band... I know most of it is irreversable. I can try. I want to try. But I don;t know...

They way the band was talking about the practices they had when I was gone, it sounded like if I left for good, the band would fall apart. That's a lot of responsibilty anyway. I don't want to band to fall apart. I love this band. Even if I'm not in it, I want it to keep going. But if I stayed, I don't know how it would work either.

Like I said, I'm gonna give it a shot.

But I really don't like being here.

I really don't know what to do.
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