(no subject)
It's been a really raw open week. I honestly kind of felt like I was on my own when it came to dealing with my gender dysphoria and being bisexual and the shame I live with dealing with it all in secret. I honestly thought my mom was embarrassed about me and wanted to "cure" me.
So Wednesday night on the way to the class we take at church we started talking. I tried to just remain calm. Thankfully she was really nice about everything and asked questions trying to understand where I am standing on both issues and how I feel. We even talked about Laura Jane Grace who is my transgender idol. (I tweeted later that night that Laura gave my mom some hope and peace of mind and Laura favorited it. It made me smile.)
We eventually went inside to class and got situated. I was calm about it and felt like it was a good talk. But then our teachers asked for someone to volunteer to be the pretend counselee. My mom kept looking at me and finally I caved and said I would do it. So without really thinking about it I just dumped out that I had homosexual feelings and gender dysphoria and I was tired of living in shame about it. I expected either I was going to get booted from our church for being a heathen sinner or I was going to finally get some help. Thankfully it was the latter. We ended up spending the whole class talking homosexuality and how it's so hard as christians to deal with it, because we have the feelings and we have loved ones who are gay and for most of us we don't get what the big deal is. Except for the part where God put it in the bible that it's wrong. Eventually one of our teachers who is someone I really admire said, "For you this is just like your drug addiction...it's still there, it always will be, but you make a choice not to use. You have to make a choice not to act on your feelings." And that's really it for me. I've committed to be with my husband, so having sex with anyone else isn't an option. But my teacher also told me to stop living in shame, because I'm doing nothing wrong. After the class he came over and kissed my hand and told me how much he loved me and respected me for being so brave to talk about that in front of everyone. Thankfully what is said in class stays in class, but others have shared some heavy stuff too so I didn't feel like I was getting thrown under the bus.
And I actually do feel a bit better about it. Like just being able to say it to people publicly sort of got it off my back. I'm still going to get counseling for my gender dysphoria and see what we can do about that. I just want to be happier in this body and hopefully we can find some happy medium with that.
But I posted a poster about transgender people on my facebook page yesterday and my mom responded with, "It's been such an emotional week for you, I couldn't be prouder to be your mom." Yeah I cried. I wish everyone who was trans or queer got that kind of support. Ariel and I were watching Laura Jane Grace sing in videos as Laura and as Tom who she was when she identified as male and I told her that I was like that. That because I don't have a lot of female hormones I have a lot more male and I've always thought I was more of a boy then a girl, which is why I wear a lot of boy clothes. She was actually okay with it like it was no big deal. Thankfully.
But I had to deal with the stupid fucked up body issue tonight. I got a period. It's like the first one this year. I fucking hate them with the fire of a thousand suns. Way to remind me that I'm not really a guy. Not to mention the pain is fucking horrible. I didn't even have stuff in my bathroom since it had been so long so I had to yell to Ariel to get me some from her loo. She handed it to me and said, "Seriously, what the heck, dude?" I know kid talk about confusing as hell. All I can say is my hormone level has gone all wonky again, so it triggered one. I'm going to talk to the doc about going on T if I can to do away with periods completely. But then I'm sure I'll have to start shaving every day and other fun things, so I'll have to decide if it's worth it.
So Wednesday night on the way to the class we take at church we started talking. I tried to just remain calm. Thankfully she was really nice about everything and asked questions trying to understand where I am standing on both issues and how I feel. We even talked about Laura Jane Grace who is my transgender idol. (I tweeted later that night that Laura gave my mom some hope and peace of mind and Laura favorited it. It made me smile.)
We eventually went inside to class and got situated. I was calm about it and felt like it was a good talk. But then our teachers asked for someone to volunteer to be the pretend counselee. My mom kept looking at me and finally I caved and said I would do it. So without really thinking about it I just dumped out that I had homosexual feelings and gender dysphoria and I was tired of living in shame about it. I expected either I was going to get booted from our church for being a heathen sinner or I was going to finally get some help. Thankfully it was the latter. We ended up spending the whole class talking homosexuality and how it's so hard as christians to deal with it, because we have the feelings and we have loved ones who are gay and for most of us we don't get what the big deal is. Except for the part where God put it in the bible that it's wrong. Eventually one of our teachers who is someone I really admire said, "For you this is just like your drug addiction...it's still there, it always will be, but you make a choice not to use. You have to make a choice not to act on your feelings." And that's really it for me. I've committed to be with my husband, so having sex with anyone else isn't an option. But my teacher also told me to stop living in shame, because I'm doing nothing wrong. After the class he came over and kissed my hand and told me how much he loved me and respected me for being so brave to talk about that in front of everyone. Thankfully what is said in class stays in class, but others have shared some heavy stuff too so I didn't feel like I was getting thrown under the bus.
And I actually do feel a bit better about it. Like just being able to say it to people publicly sort of got it off my back. I'm still going to get counseling for my gender dysphoria and see what we can do about that. I just want to be happier in this body and hopefully we can find some happy medium with that.
But I posted a poster about transgender people on my facebook page yesterday and my mom responded with, "It's been such an emotional week for you, I couldn't be prouder to be your mom." Yeah I cried. I wish everyone who was trans or queer got that kind of support. Ariel and I were watching Laura Jane Grace sing in videos as Laura and as Tom who she was when she identified as male and I told her that I was like that. That because I don't have a lot of female hormones I have a lot more male and I've always thought I was more of a boy then a girl, which is why I wear a lot of boy clothes. She was actually okay with it like it was no big deal. Thankfully.
But I had to deal with the stupid fucked up body issue tonight. I got a period. It's like the first one this year. I fucking hate them with the fire of a thousand suns. Way to remind me that I'm not really a guy. Not to mention the pain is fucking horrible. I didn't even have stuff in my bathroom since it had been so long so I had to yell to Ariel to get me some from her loo. She handed it to me and said, "Seriously, what the heck, dude?" I know kid talk about confusing as hell. All I can say is my hormone level has gone all wonky again, so it triggered one. I'm going to talk to the doc about going on T if I can to do away with periods completely. But then I'm sure I'll have to start shaving every day and other fun things, so I'll have to decide if it's worth it.