(no subject)
Things haven't been going great for a while, but it finally feels like I'm just fucking it up big time. It's like this weird time where I feel like I'm in my head screaming I need help, but I can't get it out. The kids know something is wrong, because they are always asking if I took my meds and if I need anything. I see Ariel watching me out of the corner of my eye all the time. I feel like I'm saying sorry all the time. I feel like such a shit parent. I got up today and cleaned the bathrooms, cooked us a meal, cleaned the kitchen, and did some laundry. And it still didn't seem like enough. (I have a psych appointment on the 16th to talk to them about changing some things up. But if it gets really bad before then I'll call the emergency psych doc to go be seen. So don't worry I won't let shit get totally out of hand dangerous. )
It's 4am and I'm still sitting here with my mind racing wishing I could just go to sleep. I miss B. We hardly saw each other this weekend. He was here for like 36 hours, but he never even slept with me. Sometimes that's all I'm literally holding on to, that I'll get one night to sleep with him and feel safe for a few hours. Having him there to hold me and rub my head while he's telling me it's going to be okay makes things okay for a few minutes.
We were supposed to have a date yesterday. But of course that didn't happen, because I was drugged up and sleeping all day. I told him I can't even remember the last time we had sex, were intimate in some way, hell even just kissing doesn't happen. It makes me sad, because I miss it. I am still very attracted to him, but my body being a sick fucking piece of shit that doesn't work most of the time makes it hard. Today when he came in to the bathroom when I was cleaning he leaned up against my ass and bumped my hips with his crotch and said, "Hi..." it made me almost cry. I smell like dirty toilets and thats when you decide to come and say something. I finished what I was doing and he left to go to the store. I just hate feeling so far apart. He isn't a talker, so he's never going to come out and say he misses what we had. Or that he thinks about it. Hell I'm thankful he says I love you. And that's only if we're alone. He wont' even say it in front of the kids. He always refers to me as "your mom", never his wife or loved one. In private he calls me his girlfriend or boyfriend sometimes. But again only in private. Sometimes I just wish he could come out and say that it's all fucked up, but at least we're still together. Some sort of feeling. It just sucks feeling so utterly alone when you love someone and you know they love you, but they are so inside themselves that they never share it with you.
It's 4am and I'm still sitting here with my mind racing wishing I could just go to sleep. I miss B. We hardly saw each other this weekend. He was here for like 36 hours, but he never even slept with me. Sometimes that's all I'm literally holding on to, that I'll get one night to sleep with him and feel safe for a few hours. Having him there to hold me and rub my head while he's telling me it's going to be okay makes things okay for a few minutes.
We were supposed to have a date yesterday. But of course that didn't happen, because I was drugged up and sleeping all day. I told him I can't even remember the last time we had sex, were intimate in some way, hell even just kissing doesn't happen. It makes me sad, because I miss it. I am still very attracted to him, but my body being a sick fucking piece of shit that doesn't work most of the time makes it hard. Today when he came in to the bathroom when I was cleaning he leaned up against my ass and bumped my hips with his crotch and said, "Hi..." it made me almost cry. I smell like dirty toilets and thats when you decide to come and say something. I finished what I was doing and he left to go to the store. I just hate feeling so far apart. He isn't a talker, so he's never going to come out and say he misses what we had. Or that he thinks about it. Hell I'm thankful he says I love you. And that's only if we're alone. He wont' even say it in front of the kids. He always refers to me as "your mom", never his wife or loved one. In private he calls me his girlfriend or boyfriend sometimes. But again only in private. Sometimes I just wish he could come out and say that it's all fucked up, but at least we're still together. Some sort of feeling. It just sucks feeling so utterly alone when you love someone and you know they love you, but they are so inside themselves that they never share it with you.