(no subject)
Tonight I was putting together a cart and a bin caddy that spins around that B had gotten me at a sale today, when my phone beeped. It was my friend sending a text that said, "I think we should talk." I really thought about not answering. But when the same situation happened to some mutual friends of ours and one of them threw away a decade long friendship it pissed me off so bad that I swore I would never do that to a friend. So I answered that I didn't have much to say. She asked me to get on IM so we didn't have to have a long conversation with tiny phone keys, so I said fine.
I was surprised when she apologized. I tried to just listen for a while and let her say her peace. I still had this smug I did nothing wrong feeling. But after a while the more she said the more I realized that I shouldn't be such a smug asshole, because i contributed to some of the problems. It was a really big wake up call to the way I treated her. Not that her behavior was okay, but I could see where some of it came from and how I contributed to it by totally over stepping boundaries as well for a while. So I apologized and said I could see how I was to blame and I take full credit for the things I have done and see how that was desctructive and was probably really upsetting to her. She had some really wise words for why she thought I did what I di, pretty much calling me out on the carpet about my bad marriage. I was like woah what dude! We're not talking about this.
Then I started crying and finally admitted how unhappy I was and that it really was all about feeling so stressed out that my marriage was not doing well. But again B isn't all to blame. I'm a large part of the problem. It all goes back to the same stuff. I don't know how to let people love me. So instead of just doing the usual oh it will get better, let's ignore it, and hope it goes away bullshit, I texted B that we needed to seriously talk. He sent me a note back that said we could do that and he thought it was a good idea. I don't know how to fix us. But if we're not even talking nothing is going to get fixed. And with him at work having a long conversation wasn't doable. But at least I can go to bed knowing he's open to talking and working on things. I miss him so much and I have for a while. I just felt so broken and fucked up. I don't know how not be so broken. But I'm trying.
I don't know if our life and marriage will ever be normal. But my mom said just let people in already and let them love you. So Im aiming for that. My aunt and uncle lead very separate lives, but have figured out how to be happy together. My mom said even her parents were a lot like B and I and they made it work till my grandfather passed away. So I'm hopeful. It's just so hard for me, because I hate feeling so vulenrable. I hate feeling like I am relying on other people. I'm always waiting for them to fuck it up and hurt me. I know part of it is having stupid PTSD. But I don't know how to get past it.
But for starters my friend and I have agreed if either of us is on drugs we won't talk to the other person, so to minimize the stupid things being said. I'm also relying a lot more on myself now. I'm cleaning up the house a bit and getting my life in better order as much as I can on my own. I think it's healthier for us to not be so intertwined. And she thinks so as well. Hopefully a better healthy balance will help us to be better people and better friends. I told her I can't forget some of the stuff she said to me, because it was so hurtful. BUT I'm not one to throw away a long time friendship if someone can apologize, admit they are wrong, and take steps to try to change. I'm chalking it up to a hard learned lesson and it's made me learn a lot about myself and my relationships with people. One of them is boy am I a smug bastard when I think I'm right. LOL Working on being less smug commences now. LOL
I was surprised when she apologized. I tried to just listen for a while and let her say her peace. I still had this smug I did nothing wrong feeling. But after a while the more she said the more I realized that I shouldn't be such a smug asshole, because i contributed to some of the problems. It was a really big wake up call to the way I treated her. Not that her behavior was okay, but I could see where some of it came from and how I contributed to it by totally over stepping boundaries as well for a while. So I apologized and said I could see how I was to blame and I take full credit for the things I have done and see how that was desctructive and was probably really upsetting to her. She had some really wise words for why she thought I did what I di, pretty much calling me out on the carpet about my bad marriage. I was like woah what dude! We're not talking about this.
Then I started crying and finally admitted how unhappy I was and that it really was all about feeling so stressed out that my marriage was not doing well. But again B isn't all to blame. I'm a large part of the problem. It all goes back to the same stuff. I don't know how to let people love me. So instead of just doing the usual oh it will get better, let's ignore it, and hope it goes away bullshit, I texted B that we needed to seriously talk. He sent me a note back that said we could do that and he thought it was a good idea. I don't know how to fix us. But if we're not even talking nothing is going to get fixed. And with him at work having a long conversation wasn't doable. But at least I can go to bed knowing he's open to talking and working on things. I miss him so much and I have for a while. I just felt so broken and fucked up. I don't know how not be so broken. But I'm trying.
I don't know if our life and marriage will ever be normal. But my mom said just let people in already and let them love you. So Im aiming for that. My aunt and uncle lead very separate lives, but have figured out how to be happy together. My mom said even her parents were a lot like B and I and they made it work till my grandfather passed away. So I'm hopeful. It's just so hard for me, because I hate feeling so vulenrable. I hate feeling like I am relying on other people. I'm always waiting for them to fuck it up and hurt me. I know part of it is having stupid PTSD. But I don't know how to get past it.
But for starters my friend and I have agreed if either of us is on drugs we won't talk to the other person, so to minimize the stupid things being said. I'm also relying a lot more on myself now. I'm cleaning up the house a bit and getting my life in better order as much as I can on my own. I think it's healthier for us to not be so intertwined. And she thinks so as well. Hopefully a better healthy balance will help us to be better people and better friends. I told her I can't forget some of the stuff she said to me, because it was so hurtful. BUT I'm not one to throw away a long time friendship if someone can apologize, admit they are wrong, and take steps to try to change. I'm chalking it up to a hard learned lesson and it's made me learn a lot about myself and my relationships with people. One of them is boy am I a smug bastard when I think I'm right. LOL Working on being less smug commences now. LOL