Wounds Reopened
Hey you,
I guess a couple months turned into almost another year. It's been a busy one to be sure. One full of trials, pain, triumph, growth and wanderings. Where to start?
I didn't match for internship... again. It took me a long time to admit it, but the fact that I didn't match a second time really crushed me. I was so sure that this year was going to be my year, and then nothing happened. I was hurt and angry and afraid. So I did what any (in)sane person would do... I ran off to Europe and walked 400 miles. In truth, the Camino de Santiago was meant to be a vacation. One last journey and a graduation present to myself, much as Italy was for undergrad. However, after I didn't match I felt like I needed to get out of the world for a spell. It worked. My Camino was... amazing, in so many ways. I made so many friends and experienced so many things that it'd fill up an entire book. For the first time in a LONG time, I felt like I was "home." I felt so connected to the people around me, and I felt so much more myself. The end result was probably the first time since I was a teenager that I wasn't in some way, shape or form depressed. I'd say that streak has lasted for a good 6 months, though I fear it's coming to a close.
There have been plenty of challenges and hurdles since. I came back to be placed in charge of my own group at work. It was something I was fearing while I was on the Camino, but I had thought I had come to find peace about it. The truth was, I still wasn't entirely ready for it. My confidence just wasn't high enough. It didn't help that I was immediately given 3 very difficult cases. When the group collapsed, I was more than happy to rejoin the rest of the team on the primary MEND track. However, I quickly retreated from any real responsibility and generally burned myself out by taking on extra groups around the building. It wasn't until two of my co-therapists left (in August) that I was forced to snap myself out of it.
To be honest, I think part of me feared that not getting an internship was somehow indicative of my clinical skills, and the rest of me felt that my failure to successfully run my own group only proved this belief. Actually, I've never really felt confident in my abilities... in anything. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I tried to sabotage myself. Anyways, Deepti (my co-therapist and friend) and Daniel (my boss and mentor) sat me down and told me that I had been disconnected from patients in the room since I got back from my Camino, but they also told me that I'm a great therapist when I'm connected. It forced me to re-evaluate some of the beliefs I had about myself (namely that I wasn't capable of being as empathic as I need to be). There was way more soul-searching involved, but the long and short of it was that I once again "found myself." I am now almost entirely responsible for the teen group and have to try to teach the program to two other students that are assisting me. It's strange though, I really don't doubt myself or my abilities now. It's a nice feeling.
Now that we're approaching internship application time again, I've cut my hours way back, from 30 to roughly 18 per week. It's hard to say how I feel about internship this year. The easiest way to describe it would be to say that I'm apathetic, but it'd probably be more accurate to say I'm resentful. I hate this fucking process, so much. Deepti convinced me to rewrite my essays, which was a huge pain and I hated doing it, but it was probably necessary. I have no idea where to apply this year though. College Counseling hasn't panned out for me the last couple years, but none of my hospital sites interviewed me last year. So where the hell does that leave me? Applying to more of the same sites again and hoping whatever BS reasoning the used to rule me out last year won't happen again? I spent hours last weekend looking through 150 sites, only to find 15 that seemed acceptable at first glance. Then I met with my Director of Clinical Training (academic supervisor, basically) who just looked over the list and gave me an anxious face. "These are all very competitive sites." No shit? Well, as you did absolutely nothing to help me get an internship the last two years, I don't know that I give a fuck about your anxiety this year... Sigh. Like I said, resentful. I'm still getting my stuff done, it's just going slower than I'd like, and it's painfully obvious how avoidant and self-sabotaging I've been lately.
On the friendship/relationship side... Well, let's be honest. That's why I am here. My roomie, Eddy, and I have been getting along great. I don't think we could have been a better match (especially after my last one). However, almost all my other friends have left. Jameson moved to Oklahoma in August to start internship and Desiree is unreliable and she goes back and forth with her ED. That means that while I feel happier, I have very few people to spend my time with. So it's quickly becoming painfully lonely. My love life has been equally empty. I met a couple of very interesting and beautiful women while on my Camino, and even though nothing happened with either it was nice to feel some companionship for a change. Since then, my prospects have been few and far between. A few messages here and there on OKCupid which never turn into anything. As always, Anna has floated in and out of my head over the last year. It's getting close to 3 years now since I've seen her. 3 years. Wow. Sigh. Nothing's changed though. I still haven't spoken to her in a good year and 1/2... I still love her more than I can ever express. In general I've been fine with it. Sometimes I miss her like crazy, sometimes I think of her and feel so strong and sure of a future together. I thought of her a lot during my Camino. I even created a video blog of my journeys addressed to her, as well as having my Camino commemorated in her name (i.e. having them write her name on my certificate of completion). Neither of those she knows about, or likely will ever know about. Who knows though. With her and I, I never know. All in all, I was doing well until earlier today. I saw pictures from Michael's wedding on Facebook. Michael was a friend of hers in High School, and he and I kept in contact through most of my undergrad (he'd call me when he was struggling.) Anyways, I saw pictures and thought "Oh, that's cute. I'm glad he finally found someone... and she's cute." So when I saw a picture of the bridal party I clicked on it without thinking... Sure enough, there was Anna standing to his left, dressed very sharply in a tux/suit.
She looked... beautiful. So beautiful. I got the same burning/butterfly feeling in my chest I always get when I see her. And then I cursed aloud knowing I wasn't going to sleep well tonight. Sure enough, it's 4AM and my mind is abuzz. Gods, but I miss her... And worst of all, I still feel like there's nothing for me to do but sit here. I have no idea if she and Aubrey are still together, though I have no reason to believe they're not. Either way, she looked happy in the photo and I couldn't help but wish that I was the cause of that happiness. Instead I am trapped here, wanting to scream my feelings for her to the world. Vainly wanting some grand gesture to win her back and to show her how I feel. But nothing's changed. I still feel that it's not my place to ruin that happiness or reopen old wounds by reaching out to her. All I have is my hope, and since there is no one around to share that hope with, I'm on here.
I will move past this feeling and continue to move on with my life. I have experienced so much this year on my own, and so much planned for the next year. I am not holding back on life like I once used to... but I'm ready to start sharing these experiencing with Her. I'm ready to be done with all the fears and insecurities. But I guess until She's ready to reach out, I'll just have to continue to persevere. I will remain strong. I just don't feel very strong right now.
I guess a couple months turned into almost another year. It's been a busy one to be sure. One full of trials, pain, triumph, growth and wanderings. Where to start?
I didn't match for internship... again. It took me a long time to admit it, but the fact that I didn't match a second time really crushed me. I was so sure that this year was going to be my year, and then nothing happened. I was hurt and angry and afraid. So I did what any (in)sane person would do... I ran off to Europe and walked 400 miles. In truth, the Camino de Santiago was meant to be a vacation. One last journey and a graduation present to myself, much as Italy was for undergrad. However, after I didn't match I felt like I needed to get out of the world for a spell. It worked. My Camino was... amazing, in so many ways. I made so many friends and experienced so many things that it'd fill up an entire book. For the first time in a LONG time, I felt like I was "home." I felt so connected to the people around me, and I felt so much more myself. The end result was probably the first time since I was a teenager that I wasn't in some way, shape or form depressed. I'd say that streak has lasted for a good 6 months, though I fear it's coming to a close.
There have been plenty of challenges and hurdles since. I came back to be placed in charge of my own group at work. It was something I was fearing while I was on the Camino, but I had thought I had come to find peace about it. The truth was, I still wasn't entirely ready for it. My confidence just wasn't high enough. It didn't help that I was immediately given 3 very difficult cases. When the group collapsed, I was more than happy to rejoin the rest of the team on the primary MEND track. However, I quickly retreated from any real responsibility and generally burned myself out by taking on extra groups around the building. It wasn't until two of my co-therapists left (in August) that I was forced to snap myself out of it.
To be honest, I think part of me feared that not getting an internship was somehow indicative of my clinical skills, and the rest of me felt that my failure to successfully run my own group only proved this belief. Actually, I've never really felt confident in my abilities... in anything. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I tried to sabotage myself. Anyways, Deepti (my co-therapist and friend) and Daniel (my boss and mentor) sat me down and told me that I had been disconnected from patients in the room since I got back from my Camino, but they also told me that I'm a great therapist when I'm connected. It forced me to re-evaluate some of the beliefs I had about myself (namely that I wasn't capable of being as empathic as I need to be). There was way more soul-searching involved, but the long and short of it was that I once again "found myself." I am now almost entirely responsible for the teen group and have to try to teach the program to two other students that are assisting me. It's strange though, I really don't doubt myself or my abilities now. It's a nice feeling.
Now that we're approaching internship application time again, I've cut my hours way back, from 30 to roughly 18 per week. It's hard to say how I feel about internship this year. The easiest way to describe it would be to say that I'm apathetic, but it'd probably be more accurate to say I'm resentful. I hate this fucking process, so much. Deepti convinced me to rewrite my essays, which was a huge pain and I hated doing it, but it was probably necessary. I have no idea where to apply this year though. College Counseling hasn't panned out for me the last couple years, but none of my hospital sites interviewed me last year. So where the hell does that leave me? Applying to more of the same sites again and hoping whatever BS reasoning the used to rule me out last year won't happen again? I spent hours last weekend looking through 150 sites, only to find 15 that seemed acceptable at first glance. Then I met with my Director of Clinical Training (academic supervisor, basically) who just looked over the list and gave me an anxious face. "These are all very competitive sites." No shit? Well, as you did absolutely nothing to help me get an internship the last two years, I don't know that I give a fuck about your anxiety this year... Sigh. Like I said, resentful. I'm still getting my stuff done, it's just going slower than I'd like, and it's painfully obvious how avoidant and self-sabotaging I've been lately.
On the friendship/relationship side... Well, let's be honest. That's why I am here. My roomie, Eddy, and I have been getting along great. I don't think we could have been a better match (especially after my last one). However, almost all my other friends have left. Jameson moved to Oklahoma in August to start internship and Desiree is unreliable and she goes back and forth with her ED. That means that while I feel happier, I have very few people to spend my time with. So it's quickly becoming painfully lonely. My love life has been equally empty. I met a couple of very interesting and beautiful women while on my Camino, and even though nothing happened with either it was nice to feel some companionship for a change. Since then, my prospects have been few and far between. A few messages here and there on OKCupid which never turn into anything. As always, Anna has floated in and out of my head over the last year. It's getting close to 3 years now since I've seen her. 3 years. Wow. Sigh. Nothing's changed though. I still haven't spoken to her in a good year and 1/2... I still love her more than I can ever express. In general I've been fine with it. Sometimes I miss her like crazy, sometimes I think of her and feel so strong and sure of a future together. I thought of her a lot during my Camino. I even created a video blog of my journeys addressed to her, as well as having my Camino commemorated in her name (i.e. having them write her name on my certificate of completion). Neither of those she knows about, or likely will ever know about. Who knows though. With her and I, I never know. All in all, I was doing well until earlier today. I saw pictures from Michael's wedding on Facebook. Michael was a friend of hers in High School, and he and I kept in contact through most of my undergrad (he'd call me when he was struggling.) Anyways, I saw pictures and thought "Oh, that's cute. I'm glad he finally found someone... and she's cute." So when I saw a picture of the bridal party I clicked on it without thinking... Sure enough, there was Anna standing to his left, dressed very sharply in a tux/suit.
She looked... beautiful. So beautiful. I got the same burning/butterfly feeling in my chest I always get when I see her. And then I cursed aloud knowing I wasn't going to sleep well tonight. Sure enough, it's 4AM and my mind is abuzz. Gods, but I miss her... And worst of all, I still feel like there's nothing for me to do but sit here. I have no idea if she and Aubrey are still together, though I have no reason to believe they're not. Either way, she looked happy in the photo and I couldn't help but wish that I was the cause of that happiness. Instead I am trapped here, wanting to scream my feelings for her to the world. Vainly wanting some grand gesture to win her back and to show her how I feel. But nothing's changed. I still feel that it's not my place to ruin that happiness or reopen old wounds by reaching out to her. All I have is my hope, and since there is no one around to share that hope with, I'm on here.
I will move past this feeling and continue to move on with my life. I have experienced so much this year on my own, and so much planned for the next year. I am not holding back on life like I once used to... but I'm ready to start sharing these experiencing with Her. I'm ready to be done with all the fears and insecurities. But I guess until She's ready to reach out, I'll just have to continue to persevere. I will remain strong. I just don't feel very strong right now.