A quite awful place, the waiting place.
Hey you,
Long time no chat... write... vent... whatever. It's been another 5 months. Another 5 months of ups and downs. Days spent feeling like I'm kind of the world and nights spent wishing it would all just end. It's strange how things have gone. I feel stronger and more confident at work than I ever had. In some ways, Deepti leaving for internship before me has been a huge blessing, as it has basically left me in charge of everything. For months, I was terrified and overwhelmed by that burden, but with so many kids and so many students it's really been up to me to step up and take control. I still stumble around... a lot. But I understand that is part of the process, and I spend less time beating myself up about it now. The result is that I feel comfortable leading the group and often times see myself stepping in while Daniel is processing instead of immediately retreating when he joins the group. In fact, I probably find his presence more distracting than anything. It's a bit of a change for me.
To add to the amusement, I get to see the students hang on his every word, much as I used to. Of course, Daniel has spent less and less time in the room of late, so I've had to pick up that responsibility as well. One of our students, Mitch, reminds me a great deal of myself 2-3 years ago; completely unsure of himself and constantly doubting his natural instincts. I have, in some ways, tried to mentor him and spare him many of the struggles I had early on. I have no doubt he'll make a good therapist one day; like me, he'll just have to realize that for himself.
So yeah, work has been going well. We're up to about 15 kids in the room right now, with a spread from age 8-18. It makes for a great deal of chaos, and with up to 5 therapists in the room it can be a challenge to keep everything flowing. Not to mention the fact that our paperwork is starting to get sloppy. I only cringe to think how it'd be without me around. That's not so much to toot my own horn, as it is to say that I'm proud of the fact that I (in general) have been doing well to keep everything from flying apart. As I look back on my life, I realize that has kind of always been the role I've taken on at work and in friendships.
Speaking of friendships, mine are kind of getting ridiculous. Jameson moved away 8 months ago, and I think I've spoken to her on only two brief occasions. I suppose that's really as much my fault as hers. I have only called her a couple of times, but there is a part of me that feels like I should expect more of an effort from someone I consider my best friend. Desiree is in much the same boat. She's been struggling again, so I saw her on Saturday for the first time in... 6 months? give or take. The truth is, while I socialize with my coworkers all the time, I really don't have anyone to hang out with outside of work. Except my roommate. Late night tv-show marathons with Eddy have definitely been a saving grace for my sanity, but he's recently gotten himself a girlfriend, so I'm not sure how much I'll be seeing him from now on. In general I haven't thought of myself as missing out on too much; however, I think the weekend upon weekend spent at home has really strained me emotionally. My weeks seem almost entirely routine, and my time off isn't much better.
I tried to mix things up a bit in December by planning a vacation with Dorothy; much like the one we planned last January before her then-boyfriend decided to sabotage it by "going insane." Amusingly enough, her new boyfriend responded much the same way. He was COMPLETELY insecure the entire time she was gone, and she did nothing but reinforce it by replying to his constant texts and phone calls. I tried it intervene early on, but by day 3 it was clear that it was a dysfunctional pattern than Dorothy (at some unconscious level) felt comfortable with. Since she got back I haven't heard a peep, and I've only seen her online a couple of times. I can only guess she decided to give in, once she got back, and agree to stop talking to me. I should feel hurt, but mostly I'm just annoyed that she continues to put up with the cycle so soon after getting rid of the last a**hole.
So yeah, as much as it was nice to get away from everything for a week, the drama really didn't help me relax. It likewise hasn't helped with my need for companionship. Not in the relationship-sense, but simply in having someone to talk to and confide in. Of course, that being said, I certainly wouldn't mind the distraction of a relationship. Truth be told, I still feel like I'm in that weird between place that I've been in for the last 3 years. I want a new relationship, in fact I have ads up on Match and OkCupid, but I don't know how serious I could be given the uncertainty of my future. I still have yet to match for internship. And despite applying to 30 sites this year, I was only offered one interview at a site that I didn't like (and didn't seem to want me.) I find out for sure this Friday, but I'm 98% sure that I'll be applying in Phase 2 again this year, which means I'm not likely to find an internship for next year. That has created all sorts of feelings (which I get to in a minute,) but most of all it leaves me feeling like anything I start will end before I know it. Which really just leaves me with the option of a "casual" relationship (i.e. friends with benefits,) which has never really sat well with my conscience.
And so, I'm left with a strong desire for companionship and no healthy way to fulfill it. I suppose the only blessing in all of this, is that I find myself thinking of Anna less than I have before. That's not to say the thoughts have been less powerful. With Valentine's Day on Friday, I found myself thinking about how she would have spent it. She and Aubrey (I assume) have been together quite a while now, and so I naturally thought of the cliché marriage proposal on Valentine's Day. That's of course assuming it hasn't already happened. Needless to say, the thought was both distracting and distressing, and even now my chest clenches up when I think about it. That being said, I tend to think of her less now adays, and the thoughts are less of a perseveration and more of the way someone would think of a long lost love or a deceased spouse. I think about how much I'd want to share personal triumphs with her. I think about how her face would look when she was thinking dirty/mischievous thoughts. I think about how much I wish she could see the person I've become, given how few people know me from before. However, unlike before, the thoughts simply come into my head and then float away. Probably because I've stopped fighting them off. It's amazing what a difference acceptance makes.
That of course is not to say that my love life is not without drama. Well... for the most part it has been, but more recently fate has decided it's getting bored and needs to spice things up. This resulted in an interesting series of events on Saturday. How best to describe this... So on Monday or Tuesday of this week Tasha (a coworker in a different program) came into Daniel's office in order to pitch a charity event she wanted to participate in (and drag us all along for "team building".) Of all things, it was a mile-long race in underwear in West L.A. Now, normally I would be the last person to volunteer to go running around in public in my underwear. But the first thought that popped into my head was that if it was going to be an undie run, that meant Tasha would be in her underwear too. I know, I know, typical guy, but that was my motive and I'll admit it. Now, I'll admit I've had a bit of a crush on Tasha since we first sat in the waiting room before our interviews at the BHI 2 years ago. Around the office we'd kind of flirt in the witty-banter way that I tend to interact with most of my coworkers (including those I am not flirting with/have no interest in because most of my coworkers are over the age of 40.) For most of that time, she had been seeing a pretty steady boyfriend. Additionally, she was friends with Deepti (who would never let me live it down if she knew I had a crush on one of her friends.) So anyways, in general I saw her as off-limits, and I assumed her glances and banter was just meant to be playful. Of course, as luck would have it, I find out this weekend that she's been single a while now. Of course, as luck would also have it, I would find out this bit of information at a club while she (and the rest of my coworkers) are getting drunk. Now for those who don't know me, if there's anything that makes me more uncomfortable than being around a bunch of drunk people (and coworkers no less,) it's being in a club/bar. To make a long story short-ish, I played wallflower most of the time. While I flirted with her a bit, when it came to dancing I stubbornly refused (as I almost always have.) I suppose this probably didn't help my case, as Mitch (our student) is more than at home in a club. So the end result was that as she drank more she flirted more with Mitch (to the point that he's convinced she's into him.) Now, I've never been one to get very jealous, so as they started flirting more I simply took a step back and let them do their thing. However, the whole situation left me feeling more confused. Was she interested in me? Is she more interested in Mitch (who is very different in personality)? Or was one or both simply the alcohol? *Shrugs* I can't really say. All I know is the whole day left me thinking about her for the rest of the weekend.
I'm still not entirely sure how I'll deal with it all next week. I'll most likely just sit back and see how the cards fall. I have no desire to get involved in a love triangle at work, and if I match to my internship on Friday (I promise I'm getting there) it kind of makes the whole argument moot. I was just taken a little off-guard by how strong my feelings are as a result of it all. Part of me thinks it's just a mix between my need for companionship (as mentioned above) and my tendency to fall hard and fast for crushes. That would be the most logical explanation. But for someone who still loves and ex he hasn't spoken to in two years, I guess my heart has never acted in a logical fashion.
Yay drama! And to Fate I say, "Are you not entertained!" So anyways, internship... yeah. This whole process is f*cked up. So last year I went through my crisis after not matching for a second year, ran off to Spain and "found myself." Now truth be told, it was an amazing experience, and I don't regret Spain even if I had to go through all that cr*p to get there. So when I started the internship process this year I was a little more apathetic and thought "I have more than enough hours and experience, it will happen when it happens." So I applied to 30 sites thinking I was: A, an overachiever; and B, absolutely for sure going to get an internship this year. As in years past, that feeling was apparently way off. Instead I watched as the rejection letters flooded in the second week of December (while I was on vacation with Dorothy.) Of the 30 I applied to, I got all of 1 interview, which went horribly. The end result is a feeling that the WORST case scenario is matching on Friday. People remind me that I can do anything for a year, and I agree that the site would force me out of my comfort zone and likely force me to grow in areas I wouldn't expect. However, I also am not sure that it's even remotely fair that I end up at a site that I hate after 2 years of all this cr*p. Needless to say, this has meant that the last 2 months have been a rollercoaster of emotions. In that time I've felt completely proud and confident in my ability as a therapist, and completely and utterly helpless in the internship process. I mean, I have twice as many hours as most people, a treatment manual in the works and a powerpoint presentation at a national conference. The only thing that would make me more perfect would be if I had my doctoral project finished. Could that seriously be the only factor they are using?! I have over 2000 f*cking hours!!
So yeah. Dealing with the alternating highs and lows has not been fun. Especially since I have (of course) been dealing with them all internally. I've tried to let Daniel and my coworkers in a little more, but they are a poor substitute for close friends, and they are completely useless when in comes to issues like Tasha. That being said, my perseverance in spite of everything surprises even me. I'm coping so much better with everything than I would have even a year ago, and I suppose it is that victory that I have to take heart in. I'm just tried of being in this place, and I'm ready to move forward...
Even if I have no idea what moving forward would look life at this point.
Long time no chat... write... vent... whatever. It's been another 5 months. Another 5 months of ups and downs. Days spent feeling like I'm kind of the world and nights spent wishing it would all just end. It's strange how things have gone. I feel stronger and more confident at work than I ever had. In some ways, Deepti leaving for internship before me has been a huge blessing, as it has basically left me in charge of everything. For months, I was terrified and overwhelmed by that burden, but with so many kids and so many students it's really been up to me to step up and take control. I still stumble around... a lot. But I understand that is part of the process, and I spend less time beating myself up about it now. The result is that I feel comfortable leading the group and often times see myself stepping in while Daniel is processing instead of immediately retreating when he joins the group. In fact, I probably find his presence more distracting than anything. It's a bit of a change for me.
To add to the amusement, I get to see the students hang on his every word, much as I used to. Of course, Daniel has spent less and less time in the room of late, so I've had to pick up that responsibility as well. One of our students, Mitch, reminds me a great deal of myself 2-3 years ago; completely unsure of himself and constantly doubting his natural instincts. I have, in some ways, tried to mentor him and spare him many of the struggles I had early on. I have no doubt he'll make a good therapist one day; like me, he'll just have to realize that for himself.
So yeah, work has been going well. We're up to about 15 kids in the room right now, with a spread from age 8-18. It makes for a great deal of chaos, and with up to 5 therapists in the room it can be a challenge to keep everything flowing. Not to mention the fact that our paperwork is starting to get sloppy. I only cringe to think how it'd be without me around. That's not so much to toot my own horn, as it is to say that I'm proud of the fact that I (in general) have been doing well to keep everything from flying apart. As I look back on my life, I realize that has kind of always been the role I've taken on at work and in friendships.
Speaking of friendships, mine are kind of getting ridiculous. Jameson moved away 8 months ago, and I think I've spoken to her on only two brief occasions. I suppose that's really as much my fault as hers. I have only called her a couple of times, but there is a part of me that feels like I should expect more of an effort from someone I consider my best friend. Desiree is in much the same boat. She's been struggling again, so I saw her on Saturday for the first time in... 6 months? give or take. The truth is, while I socialize with my coworkers all the time, I really don't have anyone to hang out with outside of work. Except my roommate. Late night tv-show marathons with Eddy have definitely been a saving grace for my sanity, but he's recently gotten himself a girlfriend, so I'm not sure how much I'll be seeing him from now on. In general I haven't thought of myself as missing out on too much; however, I think the weekend upon weekend spent at home has really strained me emotionally. My weeks seem almost entirely routine, and my time off isn't much better.
I tried to mix things up a bit in December by planning a vacation with Dorothy; much like the one we planned last January before her then-boyfriend decided to sabotage it by "going insane." Amusingly enough, her new boyfriend responded much the same way. He was COMPLETELY insecure the entire time she was gone, and she did nothing but reinforce it by replying to his constant texts and phone calls. I tried it intervene early on, but by day 3 it was clear that it was a dysfunctional pattern than Dorothy (at some unconscious level) felt comfortable with. Since she got back I haven't heard a peep, and I've only seen her online a couple of times. I can only guess she decided to give in, once she got back, and agree to stop talking to me. I should feel hurt, but mostly I'm just annoyed that she continues to put up with the cycle so soon after getting rid of the last a**hole.
So yeah, as much as it was nice to get away from everything for a week, the drama really didn't help me relax. It likewise hasn't helped with my need for companionship. Not in the relationship-sense, but simply in having someone to talk to and confide in. Of course, that being said, I certainly wouldn't mind the distraction of a relationship. Truth be told, I still feel like I'm in that weird between place that I've been in for the last 3 years. I want a new relationship, in fact I have ads up on Match and OkCupid, but I don't know how serious I could be given the uncertainty of my future. I still have yet to match for internship. And despite applying to 30 sites this year, I was only offered one interview at a site that I didn't like (and didn't seem to want me.) I find out for sure this Friday, but I'm 98% sure that I'll be applying in Phase 2 again this year, which means I'm not likely to find an internship for next year. That has created all sorts of feelings (which I get to in a minute,) but most of all it leaves me feeling like anything I start will end before I know it. Which really just leaves me with the option of a "casual" relationship (i.e. friends with benefits,) which has never really sat well with my conscience.
And so, I'm left with a strong desire for companionship and no healthy way to fulfill it. I suppose the only blessing in all of this, is that I find myself thinking of Anna less than I have before. That's not to say the thoughts have been less powerful. With Valentine's Day on Friday, I found myself thinking about how she would have spent it. She and Aubrey (I assume) have been together quite a while now, and so I naturally thought of the cliché marriage proposal on Valentine's Day. That's of course assuming it hasn't already happened. Needless to say, the thought was both distracting and distressing, and even now my chest clenches up when I think about it. That being said, I tend to think of her less now adays, and the thoughts are less of a perseveration and more of the way someone would think of a long lost love or a deceased spouse. I think about how much I'd want to share personal triumphs with her. I think about how her face would look when she was thinking dirty/mischievous thoughts. I think about how much I wish she could see the person I've become, given how few people know me from before. However, unlike before, the thoughts simply come into my head and then float away. Probably because I've stopped fighting them off. It's amazing what a difference acceptance makes.
That of course is not to say that my love life is not without drama. Well... for the most part it has been, but more recently fate has decided it's getting bored and needs to spice things up. This resulted in an interesting series of events on Saturday. How best to describe this... So on Monday or Tuesday of this week Tasha (a coworker in a different program) came into Daniel's office in order to pitch a charity event she wanted to participate in (and drag us all along for "team building".) Of all things, it was a mile-long race in underwear in West L.A. Now, normally I would be the last person to volunteer to go running around in public in my underwear. But the first thought that popped into my head was that if it was going to be an undie run, that meant Tasha would be in her underwear too. I know, I know, typical guy, but that was my motive and I'll admit it. Now, I'll admit I've had a bit of a crush on Tasha since we first sat in the waiting room before our interviews at the BHI 2 years ago. Around the office we'd kind of flirt in the witty-banter way that I tend to interact with most of my coworkers (including those I am not flirting with/have no interest in because most of my coworkers are over the age of 40.) For most of that time, she had been seeing a pretty steady boyfriend. Additionally, she was friends with Deepti (who would never let me live it down if she knew I had a crush on one of her friends.) So anyways, in general I saw her as off-limits, and I assumed her glances and banter was just meant to be playful. Of course, as luck would have it, I find out this weekend that she's been single a while now. Of course, as luck would also have it, I would find out this bit of information at a club while she (and the rest of my coworkers) are getting drunk. Now for those who don't know me, if there's anything that makes me more uncomfortable than being around a bunch of drunk people (and coworkers no less,) it's being in a club/bar. To make a long story short-ish, I played wallflower most of the time. While I flirted with her a bit, when it came to dancing I stubbornly refused (as I almost always have.) I suppose this probably didn't help my case, as Mitch (our student) is more than at home in a club. So the end result was that as she drank more she flirted more with Mitch (to the point that he's convinced she's into him.) Now, I've never been one to get very jealous, so as they started flirting more I simply took a step back and let them do their thing. However, the whole situation left me feeling more confused. Was she interested in me? Is she more interested in Mitch (who is very different in personality)? Or was one or both simply the alcohol? *Shrugs* I can't really say. All I know is the whole day left me thinking about her for the rest of the weekend.
I'm still not entirely sure how I'll deal with it all next week. I'll most likely just sit back and see how the cards fall. I have no desire to get involved in a love triangle at work, and if I match to my internship on Friday (I promise I'm getting there) it kind of makes the whole argument moot. I was just taken a little off-guard by how strong my feelings are as a result of it all. Part of me thinks it's just a mix between my need for companionship (as mentioned above) and my tendency to fall hard and fast for crushes. That would be the most logical explanation. But for someone who still loves and ex he hasn't spoken to in two years, I guess my heart has never acted in a logical fashion.
Yay drama! And to Fate I say, "Are you not entertained!" So anyways, internship... yeah. This whole process is f*cked up. So last year I went through my crisis after not matching for a second year, ran off to Spain and "found myself." Now truth be told, it was an amazing experience, and I don't regret Spain even if I had to go through all that cr*p to get there. So when I started the internship process this year I was a little more apathetic and thought "I have more than enough hours and experience, it will happen when it happens." So I applied to 30 sites thinking I was: A, an overachiever; and B, absolutely for sure going to get an internship this year. As in years past, that feeling was apparently way off. Instead I watched as the rejection letters flooded in the second week of December (while I was on vacation with Dorothy.) Of the 30 I applied to, I got all of 1 interview, which went horribly. The end result is a feeling that the WORST case scenario is matching on Friday. People remind me that I can do anything for a year, and I agree that the site would force me out of my comfort zone and likely force me to grow in areas I wouldn't expect. However, I also am not sure that it's even remotely fair that I end up at a site that I hate after 2 years of all this cr*p. Needless to say, this has meant that the last 2 months have been a rollercoaster of emotions. In that time I've felt completely proud and confident in my ability as a therapist, and completely and utterly helpless in the internship process. I mean, I have twice as many hours as most people, a treatment manual in the works and a powerpoint presentation at a national conference. The only thing that would make me more perfect would be if I had my doctoral project finished. Could that seriously be the only factor they are using?! I have over 2000 f*cking hours!!
So yeah. Dealing with the alternating highs and lows has not been fun. Especially since I have (of course) been dealing with them all internally. I've tried to let Daniel and my coworkers in a little more, but they are a poor substitute for close friends, and they are completely useless when in comes to issues like Tasha. That being said, my perseverance in spite of everything surprises even me. I'm coping so much better with everything than I would have even a year ago, and I suppose it is that victory that I have to take heart in. I'm just tried of being in this place, and I'm ready to move forward...
Even if I have no idea what moving forward would look life at this point.