Ooofta
Hey journal. Long time no talk.
I've been doing relatively well since our last session. It's odd, but until I read my last entry just now, I couldn't remember the last time I felt depressed. August, huh? That's impressive. I'd like to think that's a sign that I'm getting better, but it may just be a sign of how busy I've been.
Work is going well. I'm in charge of the child's group. It feels overwhelming at time, especially since I'm really the only one in the room. But I think I've managed fairly well. They're also throwing me into the adolescent partial and child IOP groups as they need help. I miss working with teens. Before long, though, we're going to start our pilot study. That means Deepti and Daniel will be starting their own groups and I'll be given the normal MEND teen track. I am at the same time excited and anxious. It'll be nice to be back with that population, my population. But it'll also mean I'm responsible for 10 teens with limited support. I feel like a liscenced professional already and it kind of scares me...
I just hope it doesn't scare my internship sites too. It's that time of year again. I'm sitting around anxiously waiting to see if I'll get interviews. So far I've gotten 1 interview and 5 or 6 rejections. We'll see how the other 12-13 sites go. Part of me is looking forward to interviews just to have an excuse to get out of work for a bit. It'll likely be my last opportunity before I leave for my Camino. I did mention in the last entry that I plan to walk the Camino de Santiago in May or June. Right? 500 miles through France and Spain. It should be pretty sweet. I really need to get on my doctoral project in the mean time though...
So many things on my mind. No wonder why my depression is flaring up. I was doing fine until today. Well, until this weekend. I had little spats of depression in the mornings, but today it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I just felt this wave of hopelessness come over me. Of course, that feeling has been accompanied by a deluge of thoughts about Her...
I don't know why it always comes back to Anna. I haven't heard anything from her since February. I think the conversation was traumatic enough for her to keep her from "relapsing" into talking to me again. I suppose I should be thankful for that. The fact of the matter is that I'd never turn down an opportunity to talk to her. Gods, but I miss her. I'm not sure if it's just the depression or the season or the stress I'm under now, or what. I'd say that my thoughts about her, generally, have still been pretty nice ones. I'll see things that remind me of her, or think about how she'd react to something I say or do... They always make me smile.
Today though, it's all been the usual "I miss Anna!" and "We;ll never be together again!" You know, the wonderful thoughts that will inevitably keep me up late at night feeling miserable and lonely. I know it'll pass in time. It's crazy to think I haven't seen her in 2 years or talked to her in 10 months and she still has this effect on me. It makes me wonder where that line lies between love and obsession. I let her go, and I have been good about not giving in and contacting her . So can it really be obsession? I suppose the distinction is moot at this point. As I was thinking on the walk home from the store tonight, one of 3 things will happen (it always does).
1. I am miserable for a while and then my depression lifts and then I'm fine.
2. She'll find herself missing me, and she'll contact me. (I suppose this would be the universe being ironic)
3. Some other girl will suddenly come out of nowhere and start hanging out with me (Tasha is pretty cute =P)
I suppose I'd be fine with any of the 3. Which is good, as those are always my 3 options =P Sometimes I wonder, though, (and I may have voiced this before) if there isn't a chicken and the egg effect with Anna. Is she simply the lightning rod for all my depressed thought? Or is the wound of losing her just so deep that it comes out as depression every few months, when some unconscious process drudges it up.
Of course, I still wonder how she and I will play out in the long run. There's a definite chance that IF she and Aubrey don't work out, we'll see another chapter of her in my life. That seems to be what my gut instinct tells me... but when it comes to Anna, my guts tend to be guilty of wishful thinking. For now, it seems like the only other option is to walk around with the half-closed wound, never really resolved, and just hope that "the" girl is able to distract me enough that I don't think about it. I'd say the odds are pretty good for either option, really. Strangely, "moving on" just doesn't seem like a viable option any more. Too much time has gone with too little change in feelings for me to believe that's likely to happen.
Is it wrong that part of me is still excited about the idea of re-getting to know Anna, if we had another chance? I wonder how much she's changed and how much she hasn't. I wonder what new interests she's taken up. *blush* I wonder what new hobbies she and I would find together. There's a part of my mind that thinks of her and goes "Hmmm, swing dancing? With Anna? Yes please!" Heh. I can't think of anyone else that would bring up such a thought...
I like thoughts like those... they make me happy. Actually, they make me feel mischevious =P Is it bad that I actually gain strength from such thoughts? Is that a sign of obsession or something more?
She is my weakness. But she's also my strength. I don't know how I should feel about that. I'm just glad I gave up feeling guilty because of it. They are thoughts and feelings. They are my reality. I guess that's really all I can say for sure.
Anyways, I'm becoming way too philisophical and I agreed to pull a 12 hour day tomorrow (ugh), so I should get to sleep. Thanks for listening. Talk to you in a few more months =P
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