College
Some weekends are just better spent alone.....
This weekend my roomate went home, as she often does because she only lives an hour away, my suitemate Lauren went to Georgia with her friend Gena, my other suitemate Rachel went to ETSU...I stayed all by myself. Feeling pitifull is pretty easy to do when you're by yourself. This has been quite often lately, actually since about three weeks after school started for me at UT. College has been a lot of things I thought it would be, and a lot of things I thought it wouldn't. Of course, I expected things to be that way, just not exactly THIS way, the way they are now. I'm not sure if being alone causes you to think and reflect too much or allows you to think and reflect as much as you should, but having time to realize and evaluate your life can be a scary thing.
When I came to UT I thought I was going to make friends fast and get super involved with all the cool activities the school had to offer. Parties and boys, friends and random trips places were what I thought would fill most of my time. What I've found is that I (A) despise going to parties (B) still can't attract any boys (C) don't like people as much as I thought I did...and (D) don't have any money to do random things or friends to do random things with. I would consider myself fairly outgoing and personable, but I think I've come to the realization that I don't want a lot of random friends. Going out and drinking ect. with people and talking about absolutely nothing has no appeal whatsoever. Interesting conversations and connecting with like-minded, caring, and interesting people is what I'm looking for. Maybe this is why I don't have any friends really. Perhaps I'm being too selective or picky about my friends. I really don't know, but what I do know is that even though I don't want superficial relationships with people I can't help feeling jealous when I see scantily dressed girls giggling with frat boys trailing behind them pass by. Ughhhh.
Figuring out what I want to do with my life is another thing I thought would just magically happen. Even after hearing from people this doesn't really happen, I knew I was different. After all, I love so many things that something was bound to present itself in the form of a well-composed letter in my school mailbox, adressing all concerns I had in little bullet point answers. Now all that has happened is an escalated level of apprehention, stress, and prayer (even though it truthfully comforts me only slightly). How do I translate the things I love into a career and means by which to support myself, or even closer at hand, a school curriculum for the next four or so years. Photography is my first love, along with helping others emotionally and with other needs and mission trips. I just don't know what to do. Perhaps I'll transfer next year to WKU(known for photojournalism) or Lenoir-Rhyne (a private Lutheran college).
So therefore, this weekend consisted of: Friday night at the library for six hours getting organized, studying for a Biology exam in two weeks, and drinking way too many cokes. Saturday night sketching and then going to hang out with "friends" only to have one of the drunk guys strattle me and try to make out with me and take my pants off(dumbass). Today consisted of cleaning my room, washing my clothes a second time(the first I forgot to dry them and then they smelled), and receiving a suprise visit from my sister who lives in Georgia and happened to be bringing her students in town for a field trip. I also got dressed up to go to church this evening (in my new black shirt from Old Navy) with a boy that I hopelessly adore that doesn't notice me. He picked me up, and I kept reminding myself that I was trying to fool myself into thinking that I am "over" him as he recounted a weekend of camping with a group including a girl I remember him telling me he asked out last week. Church was so packed there was nowhere for us to sit, so we left and got dinner at a Greek food place. I got a stomach ache later tonight, but I'm not sure if it's from the gyro or from thinking about why he likes that other girl and not me.
I'm finding it more and more impossible not to think about how I'm not in a relationship right now. My roommate's boyfriend is constantly over, church sermons are about relationships, RUF lectures are about dating, and my friend just got married. Not wanting a relationship, someone to care about and who cares about me, is necoming increasingly difficult...and another thing...
Does having this overwhelming feeling you're supposed to be with someone and constantly writing about them and thinking about them make a person obsessive? Or does it just mean that you have such a clear picture and understanding of the beauty of a person and a love for that person's whole being that no one else understands? I truly believe the second has to be true, or more, I want it to be the truth others see. Very few guys have ever caught my attention, and it's so undescribably heart-wrenching to be friends with and not noticed by, that guy. Ohh the life of a young woman.ughhh#2.
One good thing that happened this weekend: I noticed my brother and I are becoming friends now.(he's 16) I sent him an email telling him how much I hated college now and he replied back (which was the first suprise) and he wrote me literally a page and a half of encouragement and advice. Now when I come home he comes to me and gives me a hug and tells me how much he's missed me. Before I left, he NEVER did that. Distance must be the answer to being closer. Being without him has made me remember how much we've had to rely on eachother growing up. Now that we're older and can deal and undertand our parents issues mre clearly, we can vent and bond over it. He even sent me a birthday card which really cheered up a really lonely birthday.
Anyways, I have to wake up and go to PT in two hours. I feel better now that I've vented so much. Thanks to my little brother for the advice...
This weekend my roomate went home, as she often does because she only lives an hour away, my suitemate Lauren went to Georgia with her friend Gena, my other suitemate Rachel went to ETSU...I stayed all by myself. Feeling pitifull is pretty easy to do when you're by yourself. This has been quite often lately, actually since about three weeks after school started for me at UT. College has been a lot of things I thought it would be, and a lot of things I thought it wouldn't. Of course, I expected things to be that way, just not exactly THIS way, the way they are now. I'm not sure if being alone causes you to think and reflect too much or allows you to think and reflect as much as you should, but having time to realize and evaluate your life can be a scary thing.
When I came to UT I thought I was going to make friends fast and get super involved with all the cool activities the school had to offer. Parties and boys, friends and random trips places were what I thought would fill most of my time. What I've found is that I (A) despise going to parties (B) still can't attract any boys (C) don't like people as much as I thought I did...and (D) don't have any money to do random things or friends to do random things with. I would consider myself fairly outgoing and personable, but I think I've come to the realization that I don't want a lot of random friends. Going out and drinking ect. with people and talking about absolutely nothing has no appeal whatsoever. Interesting conversations and connecting with like-minded, caring, and interesting people is what I'm looking for. Maybe this is why I don't have any friends really. Perhaps I'm being too selective or picky about my friends. I really don't know, but what I do know is that even though I don't want superficial relationships with people I can't help feeling jealous when I see scantily dressed girls giggling with frat boys trailing behind them pass by. Ughhhh.
Figuring out what I want to do with my life is another thing I thought would just magically happen. Even after hearing from people this doesn't really happen, I knew I was different. After all, I love so many things that something was bound to present itself in the form of a well-composed letter in my school mailbox, adressing all concerns I had in little bullet point answers. Now all that has happened is an escalated level of apprehention, stress, and prayer (even though it truthfully comforts me only slightly). How do I translate the things I love into a career and means by which to support myself, or even closer at hand, a school curriculum for the next four or so years. Photography is my first love, along with helping others emotionally and with other needs and mission trips. I just don't know what to do. Perhaps I'll transfer next year to WKU(known for photojournalism) or Lenoir-Rhyne (a private Lutheran college).
So therefore, this weekend consisted of: Friday night at the library for six hours getting organized, studying for a Biology exam in two weeks, and drinking way too many cokes. Saturday night sketching and then going to hang out with "friends" only to have one of the drunk guys strattle me and try to make out with me and take my pants off(dumbass). Today consisted of cleaning my room, washing my clothes a second time(the first I forgot to dry them and then they smelled), and receiving a suprise visit from my sister who lives in Georgia and happened to be bringing her students in town for a field trip. I also got dressed up to go to church this evening (in my new black shirt from Old Navy) with a boy that I hopelessly adore that doesn't notice me. He picked me up, and I kept reminding myself that I was trying to fool myself into thinking that I am "over" him as he recounted a weekend of camping with a group including a girl I remember him telling me he asked out last week. Church was so packed there was nowhere for us to sit, so we left and got dinner at a Greek food place. I got a stomach ache later tonight, but I'm not sure if it's from the gyro or from thinking about why he likes that other girl and not me.
I'm finding it more and more impossible not to think about how I'm not in a relationship right now. My roommate's boyfriend is constantly over, church sermons are about relationships, RUF lectures are about dating, and my friend just got married. Not wanting a relationship, someone to care about and who cares about me, is necoming increasingly difficult...and another thing...
Does having this overwhelming feeling you're supposed to be with someone and constantly writing about them and thinking about them make a person obsessive? Or does it just mean that you have such a clear picture and understanding of the beauty of a person and a love for that person's whole being that no one else understands? I truly believe the second has to be true, or more, I want it to be the truth others see. Very few guys have ever caught my attention, and it's so undescribably heart-wrenching to be friends with and not noticed by, that guy. Ohh the life of a young woman.ughhh#2.
One good thing that happened this weekend: I noticed my brother and I are becoming friends now.(he's 16) I sent him an email telling him how much I hated college now and he replied back (which was the first suprise) and he wrote me literally a page and a half of encouragement and advice. Now when I come home he comes to me and gives me a hug and tells me how much he's missed me. Before I left, he NEVER did that. Distance must be the answer to being closer. Being without him has made me remember how much we've had to rely on eachother growing up. Now that we're older and can deal and undertand our parents issues mre clearly, we can vent and bond over it. He even sent me a birthday card which really cheered up a really lonely birthday.
Anyways, I have to wake up and go to PT in two hours. I feel better now that I've vented so much. Thanks to my little brother for the advice...