Late Night Pain
You know, I wish I could bear good news and be some happy person and shit, but I can't. I had one of the worst nights last night.
After finally getting off the computer at like 5 or so, I went into my room and decided to make a sappy love mix titled "Late Night Pain" (The title came from Sheep - thanks Lauren!). I was just in the mood to sit around and well, sit around. Well, in about 10 minutes or so, I made this mix:
LATE NIGHT PAIN
"Karma" by Alicia Keys
"Like Toy Soldiers" by Eminem
"Can't Let U Go" by Fabolous
"Mr. Brightside" by The Killers
"My Boo" by Usher and Alicia Keys
"The Red" by Chevelle
"U Should've Known Better" by Monica
"Addicted" by Simple Plan
"Crazy" by K-Ci and JoJo
"Here Without You" by 3 Doors Down
"On Fire" by Switchfoot (Not sure if that's the title ofit, but it's the 1st song on their CD)
"Over and Over" by Nelly and Tim McGraw
"45" by Shinedown
"If I Ain't Got U" by Alicia Keys
"Look What You've Done" by Jet
"Everytime" by Britney Spears
"Anthem of Our Dying Day" by Story of the Year
"U Got It Bad" by Usher
"Burn" by Usher
Yeah, i was orignially gonna point out the ones that made me cry my eyes out, but that would be a waste - because they all did. I haven't cried like that in a long time - I can't even remember the last time I did. I must've been like 5 years old and crying about some damn doll I couldn't have or something. It hurt so much - I can't even describe it. Everything just kept rushing at me with every word being sang - every voice preaching a song's true meaning. I was told once by him that it's not good to carry stories to music, cause then everytime that you hear them, that's what you think of. Well, I can't help it - I wish I could. Because there always seems to be more sad and miserable stories I hold to songs more than the good times that I should. It sucks like crazy. I finally fell asleep at 6:45 in the morning (I almost saw the sun rise, but I fell asleep before it really came up). I woke up at about 10:30 this morning. It was the weridest feeling to wake up and find the dried spots of tears all over your pillow. It made me cry even more, because it shouldn't be that way - it shouldn't. I should be happy, but everything right now is so messed up. I don't know where to start with it all and I keep thinking that everything is going to end up for the worst, and now I'm starting to believe that that's the truth now too. Gosh, it hurts so much...why can't one thing - just one thing - go my way? It drives me crazy. I give so much to people - I do everything I can to make other people's suns shine bright and never be tormented by some gloomy rain cloud out to get them. When the hell is someone gonna do that for me? I have spent so much of my time and my life making him happy...why can't he see that? Why can't he see this great, wonderful, kick-ass chick right in front of him, who loves him for EVERYTHING about him - the good and the bad - and for everything, not just for somethings that she only knows about. She doesn't know him like I do. She know's the guy that she wants to see - the guy that he only let's her see a little of. Me, I know him for him. I've been there, and he can be the biggest ass in the entire world - NO JOKE - but can be the biggest sweetheart with a simple hug and just plainly being there to listen. You know, when no one was there for him - when everyone else was too damn focused on their own fuckin problems - I was there. I spent about 7 hours of my night to sit on the phone with him and keep him company, reminding him constantly that I am ALWAYS THERE FOR HIM. I didn't hang up until I knew that he wanted to. Because I was there for him, and I always have been. So why the hell would he throw that away? WHY? I have done no wrong to him - none. All I've done is love him and be there for him...and in the end I am still absolutely nothing to him...it's not fair - and it shouldn't be this way...it just plainly shouldn't...
I asked Lauren for some advice last night...I read over thes entries that I have posted, and realized a lot of them had to do with him. SO I asked her if I should show them to him...she said that if I wanted him to know how i really feel and I wanted to show him what I am fighting for that I should. Well, here it is - decision time - and once I leave here I'm gonna call him and tell him to read this. Because Lauren's right - I do want those things.
So, I don't know if this is a waste of space or anything, but I've taken so many chance already - what's another? Tyler, if you're reading this right now, first of all, thanks. Have to say that I was hesitate to know if you would. This is everything - everything that you really don't hear from me because I keep trying to be a good girl and not let you see the real me and everything that's going on right now. I'm really unhappy - something you probably didn't know until now (I tend to be a pretty good actress). And a lot of it has to do with you (granted, remember that it isn't all you either - my family and all is a big part...). I'm so afraid of losing you. I know that we keep trying to be just friends - and strictly friends - but it never works. I care about you so much - and maybe now you'll see that a little bit clearly. I just don't want to lose you - and I don't think you want to lose me. You always seem a little more happier when you're with me...it could just be me, but I don't honestly think so...I've been there for you through thick and thin - remember that - and there have been so many times that I wanted to just give up on you -I even tried to, remember? But I didn't. Because I promised you that I would always be there for you when everyone else has their backs turned towards you. And you know me...I don't break promises, and I have never broken that one either - because I love you so much.
Well, hopefully that's not a waste of space - I pray to some God that it isn't. Well, it's now or never...knowing my luck I'll get hid voice mail...I'm nervous...but I know it has to be done...he needs to see this.
Luv, Chrissy
PS It's like 12:38 right now, and I was looking over this...and since you (that being Tyler) are sitting around talking about Christmas lights with your mom and I'm just chillin' here, I remembered something that I should have said before: If you can't talk to me about this (which I'm pretty sure you can't, seeing you couldn't talk about my boat-note or the voice mail I left for you) then leave a comment or something...it's basically a note, and I really need you to talk to me about this...please - I'm being really nice now...please... :-)
After finally getting off the computer at like 5 or so, I went into my room and decided to make a sappy love mix titled "Late Night Pain" (The title came from Sheep - thanks Lauren!). I was just in the mood to sit around and well, sit around. Well, in about 10 minutes or so, I made this mix:
LATE NIGHT PAIN
"Karma" by Alicia Keys
"Like Toy Soldiers" by Eminem
"Can't Let U Go" by Fabolous
"Mr. Brightside" by The Killers
"My Boo" by Usher and Alicia Keys
"The Red" by Chevelle
"U Should've Known Better" by Monica
"Addicted" by Simple Plan
"Crazy" by K-Ci and JoJo
"Here Without You" by 3 Doors Down
"On Fire" by Switchfoot (Not sure if that's the title ofit, but it's the 1st song on their CD)
"Over and Over" by Nelly and Tim McGraw
"45" by Shinedown
"If I Ain't Got U" by Alicia Keys
"Look What You've Done" by Jet
"Everytime" by Britney Spears
"Anthem of Our Dying Day" by Story of the Year
"U Got It Bad" by Usher
"Burn" by Usher
Yeah, i was orignially gonna point out the ones that made me cry my eyes out, but that would be a waste - because they all did. I haven't cried like that in a long time - I can't even remember the last time I did. I must've been like 5 years old and crying about some damn doll I couldn't have or something. It hurt so much - I can't even describe it. Everything just kept rushing at me with every word being sang - every voice preaching a song's true meaning. I was told once by him that it's not good to carry stories to music, cause then everytime that you hear them, that's what you think of. Well, I can't help it - I wish I could. Because there always seems to be more sad and miserable stories I hold to songs more than the good times that I should. It sucks like crazy. I finally fell asleep at 6:45 in the morning (I almost saw the sun rise, but I fell asleep before it really came up). I woke up at about 10:30 this morning. It was the weridest feeling to wake up and find the dried spots of tears all over your pillow. It made me cry even more, because it shouldn't be that way - it shouldn't. I should be happy, but everything right now is so messed up. I don't know where to start with it all and I keep thinking that everything is going to end up for the worst, and now I'm starting to believe that that's the truth now too. Gosh, it hurts so much...why can't one thing - just one thing - go my way? It drives me crazy. I give so much to people - I do everything I can to make other people's suns shine bright and never be tormented by some gloomy rain cloud out to get them. When the hell is someone gonna do that for me? I have spent so much of my time and my life making him happy...why can't he see that? Why can't he see this great, wonderful, kick-ass chick right in front of him, who loves him for EVERYTHING about him - the good and the bad - and for everything, not just for somethings that she only knows about. She doesn't know him like I do. She know's the guy that she wants to see - the guy that he only let's her see a little of. Me, I know him for him. I've been there, and he can be the biggest ass in the entire world - NO JOKE - but can be the biggest sweetheart with a simple hug and just plainly being there to listen. You know, when no one was there for him - when everyone else was too damn focused on their own fuckin problems - I was there. I spent about 7 hours of my night to sit on the phone with him and keep him company, reminding him constantly that I am ALWAYS THERE FOR HIM. I didn't hang up until I knew that he wanted to. Because I was there for him, and I always have been. So why the hell would he throw that away? WHY? I have done no wrong to him - none. All I've done is love him and be there for him...and in the end I am still absolutely nothing to him...it's not fair - and it shouldn't be this way...it just plainly shouldn't...
I asked Lauren for some advice last night...I read over thes entries that I have posted, and realized a lot of them had to do with him. SO I asked her if I should show them to him...she said that if I wanted him to know how i really feel and I wanted to show him what I am fighting for that I should. Well, here it is - decision time - and once I leave here I'm gonna call him and tell him to read this. Because Lauren's right - I do want those things.
So, I don't know if this is a waste of space or anything, but I've taken so many chance already - what's another? Tyler, if you're reading this right now, first of all, thanks. Have to say that I was hesitate to know if you would. This is everything - everything that you really don't hear from me because I keep trying to be a good girl and not let you see the real me and everything that's going on right now. I'm really unhappy - something you probably didn't know until now (I tend to be a pretty good actress). And a lot of it has to do with you (granted, remember that it isn't all you either - my family and all is a big part...). I'm so afraid of losing you. I know that we keep trying to be just friends - and strictly friends - but it never works. I care about you so much - and maybe now you'll see that a little bit clearly. I just don't want to lose you - and I don't think you want to lose me. You always seem a little more happier when you're with me...it could just be me, but I don't honestly think so...I've been there for you through thick and thin - remember that - and there have been so many times that I wanted to just give up on you -I even tried to, remember? But I didn't. Because I promised you that I would always be there for you when everyone else has their backs turned towards you. And you know me...I don't break promises, and I have never broken that one either - because I love you so much.
Well, hopefully that's not a waste of space - I pray to some God that it isn't. Well, it's now or never...knowing my luck I'll get hid voice mail...I'm nervous...but I know it has to be done...he needs to see this.
Luv, Chrissy
PS It's like 12:38 right now, and I was looking over this...and since you (that being Tyler) are sitting around talking about Christmas lights with your mom and I'm just chillin' here, I remembered something that I should have said before: If you can't talk to me about this (which I'm pretty sure you can't, seeing you couldn't talk about my boat-note or the voice mail I left for you) then leave a comment or something...it's basically a note, and I really need you to talk to me about this...please - I'm being really nice now...please... :-)