i want to be terribly honest, with myself and with you
i still feel like shit. im exhausted. i have a fever. i over slept my alarm and should be in school right now. im a fuckup. i havent decided if im going to go to school late or at all. i have to work tonight too. i might just say fuck it, see if i can fudge my drs note to include today, and just start fresh on tuesday.
the whole house is sick. i think part of it, for me at least, was the party on saturday and then going to the city for flaming lips on sunday wore me down.
i would like to at least get some cleaning done if i dont go to school. so at least i feel like i got something done today.
so heres my guilt complex with school. that even though im legitimately sick, i still feel like i should be there. like im using the excuse of being sick not to go. this comes from the fact that i got in trouble last time i was there for attendance reasons. back when i only sorta cared whether or not i got through. now i definitely care, im committed, but i hate the fact that i got sick so soon after i started, i dont want to give a bad impression. i dont want them to think im still the fuck up i was. i guess really worrying about it now wont do anything but waste my energy. the best thing i can do is not make this a habit at all, try my best to take care of myself so i dont get sick often, and when i go back, work my ass off and not be absent unless completely needed and prove myself to them.
i think i freak myself out and wear myself down which this kind of shit cause its this constant race of what i should be doing and what i need to do. i have so little time and energy to myself anymore that i keep making these lists of things i need to do and then dont get them done. i feel like im constantly talking myself through life right now so that i dont feel like im stifled and drowning. im so forgetful, that even writing this shit down isnt helping right now. maybe i need to make more of an effort? try not to get everything done in one day and thus overload myself? i dont even know right now. ha, you see all this rambling? this is exactly what im talking about. or maybe its just the fever.
i guess it would help to if i didnt waste my time on things like livejournal. and on that note, im out.
the whole house is sick. i think part of it, for me at least, was the party on saturday and then going to the city for flaming lips on sunday wore me down.
i would like to at least get some cleaning done if i dont go to school. so at least i feel like i got something done today.
so heres my guilt complex with school. that even though im legitimately sick, i still feel like i should be there. like im using the excuse of being sick not to go. this comes from the fact that i got in trouble last time i was there for attendance reasons. back when i only sorta cared whether or not i got through. now i definitely care, im committed, but i hate the fact that i got sick so soon after i started, i dont want to give a bad impression. i dont want them to think im still the fuck up i was. i guess really worrying about it now wont do anything but waste my energy. the best thing i can do is not make this a habit at all, try my best to take care of myself so i dont get sick often, and when i go back, work my ass off and not be absent unless completely needed and prove myself to them.
i think i freak myself out and wear myself down which this kind of shit cause its this constant race of what i should be doing and what i need to do. i have so little time and energy to myself anymore that i keep making these lists of things i need to do and then dont get them done. i feel like im constantly talking myself through life right now so that i dont feel like im stifled and drowning. im so forgetful, that even writing this shit down isnt helping right now. maybe i need to make more of an effort? try not to get everything done in one day and thus overload myself? i dont even know right now. ha, you see all this rambling? this is exactly what im talking about. or maybe its just the fever.
i guess it would help to if i didnt waste my time on things like livejournal. and on that note, im out.